Family and Friends Forum

Please in need of help... husband has gone to prison

Blue82

Member since
January 2020

7 posts

Posted Fri January 15, 2021 10:54pmReport post

I am writing this through tears as I reach out to anyone who has been through similar.
In July 2018 we were awoken by the "knock" and my world fell apart. I have two children which were 10 and 11 at the time we were devasted and when my husband was taken away, and the police sat me down and told me exactly what was going on. I just couldn't believe it! Anyone that actually knows me and my husband knows we are soul mates and were meant to be together. I was relieved when he came back, but he told me he was released under investigation and had to move out to his mothers straight away.
I packed his things in floods of tears and social services came to assess me and advised supervised visits. I stood by my husband as he was remorseful and I wanted to help him. We maintained a new unique relationship and had family time together, it became the new normal for us all. My children were happy.
Rumours went round out town and the important people in my family supported us but I lost some others.

It took 2 1/2 years from arrest to my husband being sentenced to 18 months in prison which was yesterday. It has not hit the papers yet but everyone knows, as my evil brother has posted it all over social media and was even in court laughing and shouting as they put my husband in the van to go to prison. I have been called a bad mother for standing by my husband and have been called scum and worse than the offender.

I am still in my home town and now scared for mine and my children's safety. And the pain so bad I am scared and miss my husband so much. I do not condone anything he has done, it sickens me, but I love him so much he is a gentle kind man. Unfortunately people do not understand that.
Please if there is anyone who is going through anything similar is there any hope? I don't feel I can get through this but I must for my children.X

lee1969

Member since
June 2019

1180 posts

Posted Sat January 16, 2021 12:48amReport post

Hi hun I'm so so sorry for what you are going through. What was he found guilty of? Or did he plead to avoid the trial? There are a few ladies here that have dealt with their partners/ sons etc going to prison and it's extremely traumatic at first and takes time to settle down so I'm sure they can advise you.

You can contact the police about the fb comments by your brother as he has put you and the children at risk ( I have known others that have done that) and in most areas the police will make a visit to them that usually helps and gets things removed but it will depend on the police force I would think. Try to see your gp because you need help now and it's all confidential and they can help . On monday ring the helpline because you need someone to listen and help you get through this trauma. Keep coming here and chat with others as that helps immensely xx also if you feel that low ring the samaritans as they are brilliant and wont judge you in any way. Mine was very public and I now have security cameras up and that deters and we have become old news xx

Blue82

Member since
January 2020

7 posts

Posted Sat January 16, 2021 3:15pmReport post

Hi Lee hope you are well.

thank you so much for your reply it means so much. My husband was charged with possession and making of 23 indecent images, 169 prohibited images and encouraging someone to play a porno when a child was in the same room. He openly admitted from day 1 to the images, but the other charge dated back to 2007 when he didn't even own the devices, but he was told to plead guilty because the outcome of a trial would probably be worse.

I have contacted the police as you advised and I am seeing them tomorrow. On Monday I am speaking to the helpline. I have contacted my GP and have an appointment for next week, I am on antidepressants anyway so they are helping a little. I have moments I feel I can't do this anymore but I have to carry on for my children. I'm not going to shop or anything at the moment I'm just trying to take it a day at a time.
Can I ask about your experience?

Best wishes x

lee1969

Member since
June 2019

1180 posts

Posted Sat January 16, 2021 3:43pmReport post

Post deleted by user


Edited Sun January 17, 2021 10:53am

Kate890

Member since
December 2019

8 posts

Posted Sat January 16, 2021 10:48pmReport post

Hi Blue82,

I read your post and felt I had to reply. My child's dad was found guilty of iioc, about the same amount as in your case. He served 1 year in jail as a result as part of his sentence.

I remember the early days of when he was first sentenced and I couldn't believe he was sent to prison. He was told not to expect jail time so when he was, it came as quite a shock to everyone.

I'm not sure whereabouts in the UK you are but it likely works similar. They are issued with a pin after 24 hours usually of being there and then they can add telephone numbers which they can call. Have you heard from him since he's been in?

You'll probably be really worried about him in there and how he will cope as I know this is what I thought about in the early days. I didnt stop worrying however it definitely gets easier.

Best wishes,

Blue82

Member since
January 2020

7 posts

Posted Sun January 17, 2021 9:56amReport post

Hi Kate

thank you for your reply.
we were also told a suspended sentence was the very likely outcome, so it came as a shock to us too. Can I ask what was your husbands sentence? I've been told mine will probably spend 9 months inside out of his 18 months.

I and very worried about him, he was a total mess on the outside never mind being in prison. He was getting help outside, so I worry that he'll lose that now he's in custody. I have spoken to him on the phone which was nice. Thank you for saying it will get easier, that is comforting to know. How have things been since his release?
best wishes Xx

Kate890

Member since
December 2019

8 posts

Posted Sun January 17, 2021 12:47pmReport post

He was sentenced to 2 years so he served half of that. He was also given indefinite SOR. He plead not guilty which is why is sentence is likely alot more than was expected.

Things have been OK since his release, I havent really seen him but I've spoken on the phone. Think he's just adjusting on being out. He is still on licence at the moment which is the most restricting part when theyre released as its weekly visits. Your husband will be assigned a social worker upon his release and then they will work with him for the duration of what is his sentence and he'll have licence conditions that he'll need to abide by in that time. Theyre quite standard but there's ones that are added in such as Internet access etc. I wish there was support for families especially ones that don't know how the prison system works but I was told due to his crime then the support isn't quite the same. I really wish I had that support in the beginning as its so frightening.

Is he coming back to live with you when he gets released? Do you have any children?

I remember thinking when he was sentenced how would he survive in there but he said it was fine once he adjusted to how things work in there. Things do get easier once they've been in a while but obviously the worry is alot less now.

Kate x

Blue82

Member since
January 2020

7 posts

Posted Tue January 19, 2021 1:13amReport post

Hi Kate! Hope you are keeping well.
Thank you for sharing that info with me. Two years is a harsh sentence for his offence. I can understand why that was a shock. Can I ask, was you child's father allowed to speak on the telephone to your daughter whilst in prison?

I am not having my husband live with us on release. We haven't lived together for nearly 3 years now because I felt it was safer for us, as I have 2 boys, but he's had contact with us frequently and we've enjoyed time together as a family on a regular basis, supervised by me of course.

Today unfortunately SS called because they had received a report I was letting their father see them unsupervised! This is because of my haters not agreeing with what I was doing and thinking my husband is a monster! I've already been hounded on social media as well which I have reported to the police.
After a long conversation with SS they said they would be taking no further action. I'm still worried what will come next? Paranoid almost. When will we have a chance to just get over all that's happened. ????

I spoke to my husband on the telephone today and he seemed very well, he says he feels so guilty about everything, but especially that he is locked up away from all the drama we are having to endure here outside.
I am so grateful for you lovely people on here, I really don't know how I would cope with no one to speak to.

best wishes xx

Confused.com

Member since
December 2019

48 posts

Posted Wed January 20, 2021 9:03pmReport post

Hi Blue,

I just wanted to reach out as sadly I find myself in the same situation. My husband recieved a custodial sentence which we didn't expect but have to respect the jury decision (even though they don't hear all the information to make an informed decision).

My world was turned upside down on the day of the knock, but this has now destroyed my world. The lack of support for partners and families throughout this entire process is just criminal.



I now fear for the future, for both our futures, and I have supported my husband this far but don't think I will be able to continue despite how much I love and care for him. We don't have children but wanted to start our family soon, now I fear if we were to have children they would suffer judgement for actions they were not involved in. There seems to be little information or advice on how families can go forward or even remain together. It just feels like society don't want people with these convictions to ever have a normal life again or become rehabilitated. If as family members you try to support them, you automatically face judgement and are practically shunned from society. Not many people want to hear the other side of these stories, which often include childhood trauma and poor mental health, not seeking help in time and trying manage on their own.

It's just such a sad situation, completely out of my control and I just feel torn and heart broken. I love my husband and still intend to support him but I think our relationship may have to go back to friendship. The prospect of further trauma, implications with my career, future family life and relationships in general with friends and family being strained just feels a lot to have challenged when I haven't been involved in any of the decision or choices that led us here today. We are here today as a result of a porn addiction, so it's safe to say I think I will forever hate porn. As it has literally ruined lives.

If anyone reading this does have experience of a loved one in prison, I would love to hear how life is like on release? It just feels never ending! I want to be positive for my husband but the future just looks so bleak.

Whatwhywhenhow?

Member since
October 2020

25 posts

Posted Fri January 22, 2021 11:26pmReport post

Confused.com just reading your reply honestly feels like you've written my story.

My husband recently had received a custodial sentence, and it unfortunatly reached local news. I did receive very kind and supportive messages, but I don't know if it's me but I feel that most messages come with the presumption I have already left the relationship (I might be reading into it to much but that's how I felt)

I am still supporting my husband but like you we had plans on starting a family this year and I just can't see how we can pick things up again once he's out. How can we go forward knowing it won't be how we planned it. Society just can't get their head around rehabilitation with this type of offence which is so sad.

I am totally heart broken and devastated by the situation and how it's had a huge impact on my own family.

I know this isn't advice but I wanted to say I know how you feel and just wish we could have a chat over a coffee!



Sending lots of virtual hugs xxx

lee1969

Member since
June 2019

1180 posts

Posted Fri January 22, 2021 11:53pmReport post

Hi ladies I'm not in that position as we already have children but I have known a few ladies that have gone on to have children and it was really hard( more due to ss than any other authority) but they achieved it. Only you can decide on whether you want to stay or leave but I wanted to let you know it can be done but it can be a battle and only you know if you can take on that battle. I will say that you can lose alot on this journey but you can also gain so much xx sending big hugs xx

Confused.com

Member since
December 2019

48 posts

Posted Sat January 23, 2021 10:07amReport post

What,when,where,how.... you are completely right when saying you think people are being kind because they assume you've left. I just don't have it in me to correct them. I spent a year trying to explain these offences and inform people, but because of the custodial sentence I think people just now think I'm barking mad if I say anything that sounds like I'm defending him. The media published our story which just made me feel even worse, inaccurate but people take it as factual even though there's no context. I don't know about you but I just feel so alone, I don't feel like I can relate to anybody and I just want this nightmare over. Do you mind me asking how old you are? I'm 30 and this is not where I imagined my life at this point. I'm just desperate to start a family and it just feels I'm grieving so much. It's like you said how can we plan a future when the future we thought we had will never be the same again. I don't want to spend my first years of parenthood with restrictions and further judgements. In fact I'm terrified if we did have children then they would also be exposed to the same judgement as me. I just don't even know how I will be even to move forward as my husband is the man I love. I just wish society would leave me be, it doesn't impact them who I choose to support. I just can't really see a way out of this nightmare at the moment. Lee thanks for your response to, I am so pleased you've managed to have a family life. Your so strong.

Blue82

Member since
January 2020

7 posts

Posted Sat January 23, 2021 12:34pmReport post

Hi there ladies!



What a horrible situation we are all in ???? I have battled to explain to people that this offence is not just black and white. I found some friends and family members can understand why some people get caught up in the dark part of the internet. My husband was depressed he suffered abuse at work and he was afraid of leaving and not having money to support us. He became very lonely at work and spent several hours a day doing nothing. So he Joined a chat app called KIK and chatted to people on there. He then got sent pictures and the dark spiral of behaviour started. He never searched for anything, he offended on the messager.

Most people do not understand, and I've had rumours go round with untrue details added in the their story's. Although the people that love me and my children do understand and that's the most important thing.

As for SS they have to make sure the children are safe and you as a mum are taking precautions. I have only had a positive experience with them, even when someone reported me for letting my Husband have unsupervised contact!! ???? You do have to be so strong, but I am determined to make sure my children are getting a relationship and support form their dad because they need it.
I found my strength has grown and grown now. So take time to make decisions and don't rush into anything to quickly was advice given to me.

It's what feels right for you in your circumstances. I'm 38 with 2 boys married for 17 years.

Sending big hugs and strength to all xx

Whatwhywhenhow?

Member since
October 2020

25 posts

Posted Sat January 23, 2021 1:41pmReport post

Thank you Lee and Blue82 for your supportive words really appreciate it.

Confused.com I turned 31 last month so know where you're coming from. I've even had a few people say you're still young to have a family! Don't you find also everyone our age it pregnant- every announcement feels like a kick in the stomach.
A custodial sentence I feel does make it worse. The press are one sided and society has no idea about these offences.

Like you I can't imagine having children with the restrictions, being forced to live by myself and bringing children into the world already judged about.

And there was me looking forward to my 30s!Thinking of you lots. X

Confused.com

Member since
December 2019

48 posts

Posted Sat January 23, 2021 6:18pmReport post

Whatwhywhenhow, I really wish we could meet over a cuppa or bottle of wine! Or just somehow connect properly! Knowing I'm not the only person does somehow relieve it a little. We've been married less than 2 years and it's another thing that plays on my mind as our vows were true. I do still want to support him and will continue to no matter what I just wish it didn't have such a direct impact on me! Yes lots of people keep saying to me I'm still young to start a family and I can move forward and find someone new etc but that doesn't help when the person I was building my future with is currently not available for the foreseeable apart from the short call and odd visit. We've known eachother since we were teenagers and I never imagined anyone else in my life! I just hate having to say goodbye to the amazing life we were building! We both have good jobs and were building a secure stable life for a family! It just totally sucks and I wish more than anything he could of just reached out and asked for help before our lives got flushed down the toilet. A custodial sentence just feels like it makes everything worse, as that brings another layer of stigma and judgement! How are you finding being on your own? Covid is just making everything feel worse xxx

Whatwhywhenhow?

Member since
October 2020

25 posts

Posted Sat January 23, 2021 9:28pmReport post

Confused.com

I think we would easily get through a bottle of wine each! Don't know if there is any way to connect better. Has anyone asked the LFF to allow an exchange of email addresses on request?

We got married 18months ago, like you had secure jobs, we weren't even furloughed in COVID! Agree, I wish my husband just bloody thought about what he was doing, he's very remorseful but unfortunatly that doesn't get us out of this mess.

I've currently got my support bubble staying with me but I'll soon be by myself- I think I feel I'll be ok but who knows. How are you coping? I just want to see more friends as well.



xxxx

lee1969

Member since
June 2019

1180 posts

Posted Sat January 23, 2021 9:35pmReport post

Ladies go back in the forum ( it's still on here somwwhere)as we did have a way of connecting but lff banned it from being spoken about on here anymore which is a real shame as there are many of us in touch off the forum and it has been a life saver and a truly wonderful support xx

Blue82

Member since
January 2020

7 posts

Posted Sat January 23, 2021 10:07pmReport post

Hi Ladies!

im so so sorry for this situation we are all in. It's just a living nightmare. I think we probably all could clear a wine cellar together right now. You lovely ladies without children I cannot imagine how it must feel not knowing what direction to take at this moment in time. I often get really angry at my husband for putting us through this...He really didn't think about the the damage this causes. I have gone over and over in my head should I stay with him or move on. It would be easier in the long run to move on, but my heart says otherwise and so do my children they love their dad unconditionally. I'm thinking of you ladies and sending hugs. whatever directions we take we will be ok, we are strong.
blue xxx

dino2828

Member since
January 2021

4 posts

Posted Sun January 24, 2021 4:39pmReport post

To Whatwhywhenhow? even if he is remorsful that does not change the fact his actions has on you and having kids

I think you would just have to think what do you want in life? Would you be happier to start afresh, with him in prision you would be by yourself anyway and have a bit of time to see what it is like. Someone close to me has commited this horrible crime but not yet had the court case. The fact he has gone to prison means it is so severe, don't let his actions affect your life so much if you did really want to have kids it would stop this. (Try to think of you as an 80 yr old looking back on your life - what would you think of your actions?)

.....it is your choice at the end of the day. I am less supportive of the person I know, as I am someone who is more on the grounds of someone commiting this crime, something is not wired right in their head - there is no excuse. It is them. Yes they could get courses and treatment, but the hurt has been done. Implications for the future must be thought through. Hey if you wanted to you can be a single mum with a donor by yourself!

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

294 posts

Posted Mon January 25, 2021 8:13amReport post

Hello everyone, just reading through all these posts, the ones who are only just starting out in their married lives really pulled at my heart strings. I'm so sorry it has happened for you, it's such a devasting time isn't it. It's all too easy for people to say " oh you'll get over him, meet someone else etc etc" but you love them! Simple as that really and if you love them and want to spend the rest of your life with them then you have to fight for happiness. At the end of the day if you decide to stay with your husbands and partners it literally doesn't effect anyone else does it! Like yes they have a narrow minded opinion but it doesn't effect their life what you do! Really really true friends will support you and listen. Even if they don't agree with you supporting your husband it still wouldn't effect their life so they might aswell be a supportive friend, sorry rambling!. My situation is very early days, the knock was about 3 weeks ago. My husband said to me he's addicted to porn and it's lead him down a dark path of iioc. He told me he's never been in chat rooms, shared anything or made contact with anyone. The police have his phone and laptop and my husband will plead guilty when the time comes, first bail answering on the 4th feb He is so so remorseful and very upset for what he's done. We've had a whole life together, a very happy family life. 18 year old daughter and son nearly 16 and me and my husband coming upto the big 50!

Zack

Member since
July 2019

33 posts

Posted Thu January 28, 2021 8:26amReport post

I'm sorry to hear this, my partner was given a prison sentence when we were expecting suspended. So I understand your shock. It's been a few years now, we moved, he changed his name and he is now working. So things can get better. Most people were actually supportive, but not all. The ones who want to listen will, but not everyone does. You could try talking to your brother, I'd assume that any publicity of their fathers actions will impact them. So if your brothers attitude is really about protecting children, then he should try to minimise any publicity. As much as your partner needs to take responsibility for the harm he may have caused, so does your brother. If you're parents are around maybe they could also talk to him, and try to get him to remove whatever posts he has posted