Family and Friends Forum

In Denial

LizzeLou

Member since
January 2021

18 posts

Posted Sat January 16, 2021 10:59amReport post

Hi everyone

I have had some amazing support on this forum and fantastic advice but I am just wondering if there is anyone on here with partners who are denying the charges? My husband has not been charged yet and we are still in the very early stages of waiting for the result of the investigation. He vehemently denies it and says his phone was hacked. This could be true but I am struggling to find any information to help him prove this. However, there is no charge yet so maybe it will all get resolved. But I am looking for advice from anyone in a similar situation on how to deal with my unanswered questions and still support him at the same time. He is not living at home at the moment. Thanks

Imploding

Member since
November 2020

39 posts

Posted Sat January 16, 2021 12:59pmReport post

My ex partner told me it wasn't him. He wouldn't, how could I think it!? If they'd found stuff He'd been hacked because he would never. Until the police were able to tell me it came from my IP address as 2am and he said " I'll have to be quick my gf will wake up" and showed me that he'd sent a video of my daughter asleep. Those two people don't correlate still, the one I knew him to be and the one who did this. I've struggled with not knowing the answers. I haven't spoken to him since I found these details out because I now know I couldn't trust his response anyway.

I think the only way you can survive it together is if they are totally transparent and rebuild the trust that's been lost. Ask him to allow his socilictor to give you disclosure and then make your mind up based on evidence and reason.



These people are so used to hiding what they do in my experience. I realise this probably isn't the answer you're looking for and I don't mean to sound brutal. It's horrid to be part of this. I also had to learn to accept that I won't get all the answers. I'm not ok with it still but it doesn't consume every waking minute anymore, just lots ha sending so much love

Edited Sat January 16, 2021 12:59pm

LizzeLou

Member since
January 2021

18 posts

Posted Sat January 16, 2021 7:31pmReport post

Thanks for your honesty. I really dont know what I want to hear to be honest, its all so confusing. The police say our IP address was used for the conversation so it is very tricky to understand how that could have happened. He is just so self absorbed right now, he wants to be part of the family life but when he comes round he is so wrapped up in himself and I find myself feeling very uptight and wishing he would just leave. I feel terrible for doubting him but why doesnt he fight more instead of being so sad and sorry for himself. Limbo seems the safest place to be at the moment because if he is charged then the real stuff starts to happen and thats quite terrifying. If not charged I'm not sure I will ever 100% believe him.

Yazznan

Member since
July 2020

186 posts

Posted Sat January 16, 2021 11:54pmReport post

Hi lizzie

My ex partner denied it all. He was very convincing. He was a kind and caring partner so when the police came it didn't make any sense. It was only when he fed me his 'story' and in the aftermath of the shock of the knock subsiding I started to ask questions and he got extremely angry and threatening. He wouldn't talk about it. So I requested a disclosure and all I can say is what he told me wasn't the truth. I left as soon as I found out.

Unless he is willing to take accountability and admit he has an addiction you will never get any further. Its been the hardest time in my life finding out what he did. I could never of stayed. The police cannot tell you much until charges are made. I hope you get the answers you need so you can start to move forward.



Yazz

Tabs

Member since
November 2019

275 posts

Posted Sun January 17, 2021 11:28amReport post

Hi LizzieLou,
I have read on here of cases that result in 'no further action', hopefully some of those people may still read the forum, but I do think it is unlikely. I would imagine you'd want to forget the whole awful experience and never look back. Look back on all old posts. I found it useful to get a more balanced view.

It is very hard, I know, to try and unravel everything particularly when you live apart. But we have to have hope. And I truly hope that there is a good outcome for you.
Sadly, I now have no faith in the police. So recommend a good solicitor, just in case he needs to fight for the truth. I do think pressure is applied to get people to plead guilty, as the threat of prison is too much.

I am not a fool. My husband has hurt me greatly, as he was messing around with other women behind my back, which was only disclosed some time after he was arrested. But, Physiological evaluation and therapy confirm no attraction to children, a porn addiction, and depression. This all needed and still needs addressing. But he is not the monster portrayed on social media.



Everyone's stories differ, but we all have the trauma of the knock in common. You need to focus on helping you first, above him. You need to heal, or at least start to. It is a truly painful experience.

Xxx

LizzeLou

Member since
January 2021

18 posts

Posted Mon January 18, 2021 12:29pmReport post

Thanks everyone. The Solicitor recommended by a solicitor friend was actually from the same firm as the duty solicitor so it seems he has a good team on his case, not that we know if there is a case at this stage. I have become increasingly obssessed with it all since lock down. Because of his access restrictions, I have issues with childcare so my work have given me the time off to home school. Really kind of them, but work took my mind of things and now I am sending myself insane. I should leave it all behind until I know more. Thanks for the advice though, I took a look through some of the older posts and got some ideas just in case he is charged.

Yellowhouse

Member since
December 2020

72 posts

Posted Wed January 27, 2021 4:28pmReport post

How do you 'request a disclosure' please? The police are bound by data protection presumably? So would this be from a solicitor? Would your partner/ex need to agree to this? Thank you

Edited Wed January 27, 2021 4:28pm

lee1969

Member since
June 2019

1180 posts

Posted Wed January 27, 2021 5:11pmReport post

Disclosure is done via the solicitor and can only be done with permission by the person arrested. The police normally only give the very bare minimum of info as it can impede the investigation.

Yellowhouse

Member since
December 2020

72 posts

Posted Wed January 27, 2021 5:36pmReport post

Thank you, I thought that was the case, so just wondered how the person posting in this thread managed to get that if her partner/ex was being difficult/lying. Mine had just said no, because apparently I know everything (do not believe this for a second). I'm desperate to find out exactly what has happened...

lee1969

Member since
June 2019

1180 posts

Posted Wed January 27, 2021 6:16pmReport post

Hi if you mean yazz she asked for disclosure via the police with Claire's law which is to do with domestic abuse not anything sexual that is Sarah's law and you have to put a good case forward to have the disclosure. But I will say that if your partner is refusing full disclosure that is a big red flag if they have been completely honest then there is no reason for refusing full disclosure. The way alot of ladies look at it if we know everything then we cant have any more shocks because as we all know that knock is immense so any more shocks are devastating. Also if it is still in the investigation stage the solicitor will not have any info apart from the interview. Disclosure is more for after the charging stage. Sorry I cant be more positive but this is the one time they should be honest because you will find out the truth eventually and that is more devastating than knowing it quickly and preparing yourself and making big decisions regarding your relationship and your family xx

Yellowhouse

Member since
December 2020

72 posts

Posted Wed January 27, 2021 6:36pmReport post

Thank you, that's really helpful. He is already out of my life (before this happened), but we have kids, and that's where I feel I need this info. Children's Services have said (verbally) that in their opinion he should never have unsupervised access. At the moment he isn't seeing them at all--but they do want to see him. He's talking about being risk assessed (apparently his solicitor suggested this). I just feel so in the dark and only know what he has told me (which may or may not be the full truth)

lee1969

Member since
June 2019

1180 posts

Posted Wed January 27, 2021 8:07pmReport post

It's more complicated when separated to get information but I will say that ss can request full disclosure from the police regarding the arrest and what led to it and then they can disclose to you that is one way to get round it( my sw disclosed to me but it took 6 months to get it and my husband had been charged). Have you reached out to the investigating officer? That would be the other option but they are very sparse with info xx

Yellowhouse

Member since
December 2020

72 posts

Posted Wed January 27, 2021 9:24pmReport post

Thank you for your helpful message. SS have seen the offences and didn't disclose to me. They did ask me what I knew though and indicated what I said was accurate in terms of the offences (I'm just missing lots of bits of info I would like to know).



The investigating officer said she can't tell me anything, I have spoken to her a few times and she seems lovely, just, her hands are tied so to speak. I guess it's just a waiting game. I just hate the not knowing.

Yazznan

Member since
July 2020

186 posts

Posted Wed January 27, 2021 9:59pmReport post

Hi Yellowhouse

My ex partner gave me his version of events after the knock, and I asked the police what he was being accused of and because there was an ongoing investigation they were unable to tell me anything. I was shook. In a haze for months. When I finally I started to question things he became very passive aggressive towards me manipulating me into believing I was in the wrong for even questioning him. He would shout at me in my face and have me in tears. He was a vile human being. I was broken hearted and ontop of trying to come to terms with what had happened he told me I needed to get a grip! He was charged several months later.

After he was charged I asked him to leave. I sensed he was lying to me but I needed proof. I contacted the police again as I had fear for my safety. He again showed aggression towards me. It was then I was given my Claires law disclosure. That was my closure.

I can only say from my experience here if he's refusing to be fully responsible for his actions and own it all, give you any details you ask for that's a massive red flag.

Men and this crime are experts at hiding this.

Many are remorseful and will work with their partners on a journey of rehabilitation. In his case he wanted to keep this side of him secret and bury it.

I hope you get the clarity you deserve to move forward.



Yazznan X

Yellowhouse

Member since
December 2020

72 posts

Posted Thu January 28, 2021 12:41pmReport post

Thank you so much, it really means a lot to me that you have taken the time to respond to me. I feel very alone and confused in all of this. The anxiety of not knowing what has happened and what is going to happen, is just immense. And of just not knowing whether what I know is the whole truth, or just the partial truth. It really is the most traumatic thing to go through. I want answers, and the only person who can give me those, refuses to. And it's someone who supposedly loved us, so that hurts even more...

majestictopaz15

Member since
December 2019

311 posts

Posted Thu January 28, 2021 1:20pmReport post

In hindsight I wish I could have asked for some disclosure since it wasn't until the sentencing hearing that I heard the about the worst iiocs found...

My partner has been as honest as he could, that is what I believe, but he didn't disclose the worst as such. Tbh I didnt want to know the exact details, just something broad e.g. the categories. He told me it was a full range of the categories across multiple age ranges. For me at the time was enough to guage the magnitude of his actions. But I was not prepared or warned that in court they would delve in deeper and I can still hear the statement in my head.

My partner claims that he could not remember all the iiocs, some he never opened and tbh there was a lot. He did admit that he blanked and desensitized himself to the point he wasn't really aware of the range of abuse he contributed to be providing a demand. Maybe he was lying, I like to think he didn't mean to hold back. But the evidence speaks for itself. My point is that some offenders may not really know the magnitude of the evidence that will be found against them.

At the end of the day it will all be laid out in court so it is only right that offenders respect the request for disclosure. I wish I knew more on the scale of his offending before court.

Yazznan

Member since
July 2020

186 posts

Posted Thu January 28, 2021 1:22pmReport post

I totally understand how you feel. You don't need to thank me, I was glad to have others message me on here when I was at my lowest. I haven't told a soul about this since it happened. Iv been trapped in my own head and its not an easy thing to process at all especially if they can't be truthful or cooperate with you. I couldn't get past the fright of it all. At first I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt then as time went on I questioned him. I deserved to be answered. He put me in this shitty situation that was the least he should of done. But he continued to lie and be abusive. That's when I put an end to it. I didn't want to be associated with him.the way he reacted told me he wasn't being truthful. I'm fortunate I don't have children with this man and it was a no brainer for me to leave. He was many red flags and had he been open and honest maybe I could of worked with him. But the trust is well and truly gone. And I think of my mental health and how this has took its toll on me. All I can say here is I'm a bit further down the line than you and I don't have children, but you deserve the absolute best. Someone that can lie and hide this then refuse to even answer your questions which you totally are in your right to ask for is seriously dangerous. He's putting you and your family at risk here and it's so selfish. I feel so angry for you because iv been there. I truly hope you have support and reach out to your gp, I have attended councilling for a few months now and it's really helped get my head together when iv been absolutely at breaking point. Take each day as it comes, and be kind to yourself your doing your absolute best.



X

Yellowhouse

Member since
December 2020

72 posts

Posted Fri January 29, 2021 1:31amReport post

I am so sorry you have both been through this, too, and thankful for your insights, your honesty and your support. It's just an awful situation to find yourself in, and so isolating. I have told a few close friends, I had to, because I needed support. I worry about it 'getting out' though, because of my children... but it could well make the local news at some point anyway :(.


Magestictopaz15, I'm sorry to read of your experience, it must have been incredibly distressing to hear the detail in court :(. I fear similar may happen in my situation--it's so anxiety-provoking :(.

I am unable to share too much detail for fear of him (or his family etc.) seeing, but I think the offences are quite serious (and involve communications, grooming, etc). Children's Services have seen info from the Police, and they seemed pretty horrified :(.

The trust is definitely gone and I know there is no way back... but I'm so sad about it. I can't help but look back at years and years of happy photographs and wonder why/how/when, could this have been prevented, what could I have done differently... etc.

I have been to my GP, but haven't found them very helpful (was it the GP who referred you for counselling, Yazznan? Or did you have to arrange this privately please?). They have offered medication, which I'm considering (for anxiety).

The thing I'm struggling with most, is work. It's so hard to focus on anything after this, as I'm just so worried and on edge all the time...

Thank you again for your replies and for sharing your experiences, it does mean a lot and, whilst I am so sad you have been through this horrible experience too (nobody should have to go through this :(), sharing it with me has made me feel much less alone.



Thank you xx

Yazznan

Member since
July 2020

186 posts

Posted Fri January 29, 2021 11:05amReport post

I self referred to NHS talking therapies, it started off with cbt to help with the anxiety which was amazing to be honest it helped me to control my worries and calm down. Then the therapist referred me to a councillor again under the nhs. They were amazing I had an assessment where I had to explain what had happened and they came back to me with a treatment plan.

I think I was just glad to tell someone because Id held it in all this time x

Yellowhouse

Member since
December 2020

72 posts

Posted Fri January 29, 2021 6:36pmReport post

Thank you, and I'm so pleased you were able to access that support, and that it helped. I can't believe you kept it all to yourself--that must have been so, so hard for you. I initially wanted to do the same, because of the kids mainly. But I just couldn't. Talking is how I cope and process things. So I guess I'm really lucky as I have had people to talk to, but then, I do risk it getting out as a result of having shared (but my feeling is that it will anyway, as could see the media picking it up).

I'm going to speak to the GP again and see what they can offer me xx