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My ex partner told me it wasn't him. He wouldn't, how could I think it!? If they'd found stuff He'd been hacked because he would never. Until the police were able to tell me it came from my IP address as 2am and he said " I'll have to be quick my gf will wake up" and showed me that he'd sent a video of my daughter asleep. Those two people don't correlate still, the one I knew him to be and the one who did this. I've struggled with not knowing the answers. I haven't spoken to him since I found these details out because I now know I couldn't trust his response anyway.

I think the only way you can survive it together is if they are totally transparent and rebuild the trust that's been lost. Ask him to allow his socilictor to give you disclosure and then make your mind up based on evidence and reason.



These people are so used to hiding what they do in my experience. I realise this probably isn't the answer you're looking for and I don't mean to sound brutal. It's horrid to be part of this. I also had to learn to accept that I won't get all the answers. I'm not ok with it still but it doesn't consume every waking minute anymore, just lots ha sending so much love

Hi lizzie

My ex partner denied it all. He was very convincing. He was a kind and caring partner so when the police came it didn't make any sense. It was only when he fed me his 'story' and in the aftermath of the shock of the knock subsiding I started to ask questions and he got extremely angry and threatening. He wouldn't talk about it. So I requested a disclosure and all I can say is what he told me wasn't the truth. I left as soon as I found out.

Unless he is willing to take accountability and admit he has an addiction you will never get any further. Its been the hardest time in my life finding out what he did. I could never of stayed. The police cannot tell you much until charges are made. I hope you get the answers you need so you can start to move forward.



Yazz

Hi LizzieLou,
I have read on here of cases that result in 'no further action', hopefully some of those people may still read the forum, but I do think it is unlikely. I would imagine you'd want to forget the whole awful experience and never look back. Look back on all old posts. I found it useful to get a more balanced view.

It is very hard, I know, to try and unravel everything particularly when you live apart. But we have to have hope. And I truly hope that there is a good outcome for you.
Sadly, I now have no faith in the police. So recommend a good solicitor, just in case he needs to fight for the truth. I do think pressure is applied to get people to plead guilty, as the threat of prison is too much.

I am not a fool. My husband has hurt me greatly, as he was messing around with other women behind my back, which was only disclosed some time after he was arrested. But, Physiological evaluation and therapy confirm no attraction to children, a porn addiction, and depression. This all needed and still needs addressing. But he is not the monster portrayed on social media.



Everyone's stories differ, but we all have the trauma of the knock in common. You need to focus on helping you first, above him. You need to heal, or at least start to. It is a truly painful experience.

Xxx

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Hi Yellowhouse

My ex partner gave me his version of events after the knock, and I asked the police what he was being accused of and because there was an ongoing investigation they were unable to tell me anything. I was shook. In a haze for months. When I finally I started to question things he became very passive aggressive towards me manipulating me into believing I was in the wrong for even questioning him. He would shout at me in my face and have me in tears. He was a vile human being. I was broken hearted and ontop of trying to come to terms with what had happened he told me I needed to get a grip! He was charged several months later.

After he was charged I asked him to leave. I sensed he was lying to me but I needed proof. I contacted the police again as I had fear for my safety. He again showed aggression towards me. It was then I was given my Claires law disclosure. That was my closure.

I can only say from my experience here if he's refusing to be fully responsible for his actions and own it all, give you any details you ask for that's a massive red flag.

Men and this crime are experts at hiding this.

Many are remorseful and will work with their partners on a journey of rehabilitation. In his case he wanted to keep this side of him secret and bury it.

I hope you get the clarity you deserve to move forward.



Yazznan X

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In hindsight I wish I could have asked for some disclosure since it wasn't until the sentencing hearing that I heard the about the worst iiocs found...

My partner has been as honest as he could, that is what I believe, but he didn't disclose the worst as such. Tbh I didnt want to know the exact details, just something broad e.g. the categories. He told me it was a full range of the categories across multiple age ranges. For me at the time was enough to guage the magnitude of his actions. But I was not prepared or warned that in court they would delve in deeper and I can still hear the statement in my head.

My partner claims that he could not remember all the iiocs, some he never opened and tbh there was a lot. He did admit that he blanked and desensitized himself to the point he wasn't really aware of the range of abuse he contributed to be providing a demand. Maybe he was lying, I like to think he didn't mean to hold back. But the evidence speaks for itself. My point is that some offenders may not really know the magnitude of the evidence that will be found against them.

At the end of the day it will all be laid out in court so it is only right that offenders respect the request for disclosure. I wish I knew more on the scale of his offending before court.

I totally understand how you feel. You don't need to thank me, I was glad to have others message me on here when I was at my lowest. I haven't told a soul about this since it happened. Iv been trapped in my own head and its not an easy thing to process at all especially if they can't be truthful or cooperate with you. I couldn't get past the fright of it all. At first I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt then as time went on I questioned him. I deserved to be answered. He put me in this shitty situation that was the least he should of done. But he continued to lie and be abusive. That's when I put an end to it. I didn't want to be associated with him.the way he reacted told me he wasn't being truthful. I'm fortunate I don't have children with this man and it was a no brainer for me to leave. He was many red flags and had he been open and honest maybe I could of worked with him. But the trust is well and truly gone. And I think of my mental health and how this has took its toll on me. All I can say here is I'm a bit further down the line than you and I don't have children, but you deserve the absolute best. Someone that can lie and hide this then refuse to even answer your questions which you totally are in your right to ask for is seriously dangerous. He's putting you and your family at risk here and it's so selfish. I feel so angry for you because iv been there. I truly hope you have support and reach out to your gp, I have attended councilling for a few months now and it's really helped get my head together when iv been absolutely at breaking point. Take each day as it comes, and be kind to yourself your doing your absolute best.



X

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I self referred to NHS talking therapies, it started off with cbt to help with the anxiety which was amazing to be honest it helped me to control my worries and calm down. Then the therapist referred me to a councillor again under the nhs. They were amazing I had an assessment where I had to explain what had happened and they came back to me with a treatment plan.

I think I was just glad to tell someone because Id held it in all this time x

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