Therapy advice
Notifications OFF
Hi everyone, just looking for advice/ reccomendations for therapy for my husband. It's been two weeks now since the knock. The police took his phone and laptop but he was released on bail. My husband told me he's addicted to porn since a young age and it's taken him down a very dark path ( looking at and saving iioc), I didn't know any of this till after the knock and he poured it out to me . He's incredibly remorseful, deeply upset that he's ruined my life and there's been a lot of tears. I'm 100% in support of him. I hate what he's done to us and don't condone it at all but I understand it's much deeper than that and I want to rebuild our shattered lives. In the last two weeks I've researched so much! Read articles etc etc. I've been referred to counselling for the impact of this by my doctor. My husband has too, he rang the doctor and told him everything. I just wanted to know what specialist counselling everyone would advice or is doing?. I've looked at Inform plus, safe lives, safer living, stop so. My head is in a spin!. He has an assessment next week with the one the doctor referred him to, should I see how that goes first?
Hi Louise
Same situation my hubby found himself in 2 years ago. We found the NHS didn't offer the kind of therapy he needed so went private. Luckily we found one locally registered with StopSo, so had extensive experience with all of this. He continued to go once a week until sentencing, this helped him immensely, he still goes now, just once a month just to talk if nothing else. He is 7 months post sentence (3 year community order, 5 years SHPO) and will continue until he is offered the horizon course he needs to attend. He has been "clean" for over 2 years now, it's been a rough 2 years, I never knew if we would make it through but here we are.
Same situation my hubby found himself in 2 years ago. We found the NHS didn't offer the kind of therapy he needed so went private. Luckily we found one locally registered with StopSo, so had extensive experience with all of this. He continued to go once a week until sentencing, this helped him immensely, he still goes now, just once a month just to talk if nothing else. He is 7 months post sentence (3 year community order, 5 years SHPO) and will continue until he is offered the horizon course he needs to attend. He has been "clean" for over 2 years now, it's been a rough 2 years, I never knew if we would make it through but here we are.
E, thank you so much. My husband had actually had a reply from stopso counsellor, he's got an assesment next week. So your husband found the stopso counselling good?, did you have to pay for it?. It's so good to read about someone coming through this horrible time. The trouble he has at the moment is he works full time so counselling needs to be evenings or weekends. My head is in such a spin at the moment!
E, what's the horizon course? Is that something the probation organise?
Unfortunately yes we had to pay, however it was and still is the best money spent. It would have been months before seeing someone through his gp. They did offer counseling but at the times they stated and not with someone experienced in this. It has fitted well around his job (which he kept thank god) And has helped him in so many ways, especially in the beginning to be able to talk to someone openly, someone who actually wants to help these men. The course we have been told is to understand how, why, etc in a group setting so he will probably go over what he has with his therapist but it's part of the order so has to be done. It's though probation as part of his sentance.
This forum is amazing, you will find a lot of support and information from hundreds of us all going through this shitty time in our lives. Some stay with their partners, some leave, everyone has their own stories and outcomes. You will have some rough times ahead at each part of the process, but just take each step as it comes. It takes so long before sentencing but time flys and if he can get ahead on the therapy side of things before then, that'll help him though it all. Make sure you look after yourself xx
Ps, you will find private therapist work into the evenings. My hubby has been at 9pm before!
E, thank you so much. I'm really struggling today. It's the far reaching impact of this crime isn't it that devastes families. One day I'm like " yes we can get through this as a family and I'm positive" but then like today I'm thinking how the hell do I get through to the other side and what he's done has ruined my life. I love him and we've been together over 25 years, my daughter is 18 and son nearly 16, we've had a very happy life ( the usual ups and downs but who doesn't!). Up until 2 weeks ago we were making plans for 2021, it's a big birthday year for us both and we were planning a getaway. That's all up in the air now!. I will get my husband to reply to stopso, sounds like a good one and like you say he can do it in the evenings
Thank you Lee, yeah I'm gonna get my husband on it tonight. I referred him but gave my phone number so I need to reply giving my husbands details. I know all this therapy will help him. Will the courts look at it too? I'm trying to do all the things to help him with mitigating circumstances. He's so broken I fear he will give up and I don't want to loose him
Thank you Lee, yeah I'm gonna get my husband on it tonight. I referred him but gave my phone number so I need to reply giving my husbands details. I know all this therapy will help him. Will the courts look at it too? I'm trying to do all the things to help him with mitigating circumstances. He's so broken I fear he will give up and I don't want to loose him
E, also if you don't mind me asking how is community order working for you guys?. Does your husband fit it round his job?. I'm really hoping if that's the sentence my husband gets he can keep his job. His boss is very understanding and it's only a small company. I'm worried if he gets an shpo as I have no clue what restrictions he'll get. I'm guessing internet usage as he's downloaded iioc but dunno. I mean if he goes to prison that's our life shattered totally but I'm hoping he won't. He's never ever been in trouble, got lots of mitigating advantages so I'm clinging to hope on that one!
Post deleted by user
The inform course for offenders by Lucy faithful was really good for my partner. It isn't free but can arrange installments. Took him a year to gather the money tbh. He did go to sex addicts anonymous but wasn't too suited to his issues. He needed more focus on looking into why he was seeking attention from people by pretending to be a teenage girl...
With community service, my partner had a full time job so was offered a Sunday shift. It takes longer to clear the hours but it should not impact work. He was able to fit probation meetings in later hours after work. And it was recommended that he could have had a week off to catch up on the community hours.
With community service, my partner had a full time job so was offered a Sunday shift. It takes longer to clear the hours but it should not impact work. He was able to fit probation meetings in later hours after work. And it was recommended that he could have had a week off to catch up on the community hours.
That sounds good the inform plus course, I've looked at that. Didn't know you could pay in instalements so that's really good!. If he gets a community order sentence ( I'm hoping that over prison) I think actually if he took like 2 weeks holiday off work he could get a good chunk of the community pay pack completed. My main massive fear today ( I have a new one every day) is the financial impact if he lost his job. I'm trying to put in plans for the " just in case" you know get funds in place that sort of thing. If I don't do practical stuff I will literally fall apart. I will not loose my home or life because of the crime he's done! Like how is that ever fair! I'm 100% in support of him and love him and want our life back, this is just horrible isn't it
Hey Louise
My hubby has 3 year community order of which he has to complete 35 days rehabilitation, and do the course, he doesn't need to to community service. His SHPO is all internet based, he has regular visits to probation but all this is worked round his hours, sometimes he takes half day if he wasn't able to make the time before. Sometimes it's just a phone call at an agreed time. Police visits by the offender manager can be daunting but once a relationship is formed it gets easier and providing all is well is less often. We saved like mad right up until court date, not only to pay for the solicitor but just in case he lost his job. Sentencing is different for everyone, it really does depend on the judge. But..... you have a long way to go before worrrying about that just yet. You will drive yourself crazy with worry, that's what this does to us, but it takes so long, in a way it's a blessing as it will give you time to process one thing before the next thing happens. Right now, just concentrate on getting him into therapy, and looking after your own well-being.
My hubby has 3 year community order of which he has to complete 35 days rehabilitation, and do the course, he doesn't need to to community service. His SHPO is all internet based, he has regular visits to probation but all this is worked round his hours, sometimes he takes half day if he wasn't able to make the time before. Sometimes it's just a phone call at an agreed time. Police visits by the offender manager can be daunting but once a relationship is formed it gets easier and providing all is well is less often. We saved like mad right up until court date, not only to pay for the solicitor but just in case he lost his job. Sentencing is different for everyone, it really does depend on the judge. But..... you have a long way to go before worrrying about that just yet. You will drive yourself crazy with worry, that's what this does to us, but it takes so long, in a way it's a blessing as it will give you time to process one thing before the next thing happens. Right now, just concentrate on getting him into therapy, and looking after your own well-being.
Hi, both my husband and I have StopSO therapists. Husband more frequently than me. It has helped him so much. Me, fortunately I don't have many issues, other than the trauma of this experience, so I don't need it so much, but find it helpful to talk to a complete stranger, who understands the 'crime' and knows about the justice system, and who knows of other wives in a similar position, and offenders too. It gives me some balance.
Husband and I are separated, have been since vigilante sting, and I can't see us getting back together whatever the outcome, but I want the best for him. It's money well spent as has identified a lot of stuff that he needs to deal with. Mostly family stuff from his childhood, emotional neglect and abuse, which continued into adulthood and he never addressed.X
Husband and I are separated, have been since vigilante sting, and I can't see us getting back together whatever the outcome, but I want the best for him. It's money well spent as has identified a lot of stuff that he needs to deal with. Mostly family stuff from his childhood, emotional neglect and abuse, which continued into adulthood and he never addressed.X
For anyone looking for therapy before court you may find that options are limited. A lot of counsellors seem very reluctant to work with someone at this stage possibly because they don't want to be called into a court case.
Stop So and the LFF inform course are the exception, and have clearly realised that there is a need to help people while they are still in limbo.
If you are looking for counselling for yourself you might still find Stop So more appropriate as they have experience of these issues and the impact it can have on the whole family.
Stop So and the LFF inform course are the exception, and have clearly realised that there is a need to help people while they are still in limbo.
If you are looking for counselling for yourself you might still find Stop So more appropriate as they have experience of these issues and the impact it can have on the whole family.
mjl73, my hubby's therapist gave a report to his solicitor, it was so brutally honest, which I believed helped in the end. I would absolutely recommend it as it not only gives them someone to open up to and start to figure out how they get in this mess, but it gives them face to face support through the whole process and beyond. After the knock my condition that I would stay was that he took responsibility for what he did and got professional help with his addiction to porn.
Oh I complete agree that counselling should be considered ahead of going to court, especially based on the amount of time between initial arrest / questioning and it going to court. However, it's some counsellors that don't want to get involved, I know it's something that people have complained about in the past, but that shouldn't put people off trying and the likes of Stop Co will definitely take people while they are in limbo