Feeling sorry for myself moan
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On a bit of a downer today after a comment from a well meaning colleague. Had a good cry when I got home.
The p word was mentioned and it brought the realisation that this is what he is going to be referred to now, not the fun loving man who everyone liked and I fell for 8 years ago. I wanted to say he’s not one of those not the man I knew but I know people see it as black and white.
It’s a year this week since he was arrested and remanded in prison (left without saying goodbye I called it) for talking to online and arranging to meet a police decoy. I don’t think there’s been a day since when i I haven’t thought about it and the why question (don’t think he knows himself) it does get slightly better with time n then wham it comes flooding back. The paranoia that people are gossiping about me behind my back and that I no longer fit in, single, no kids, I can no longer join in the usual everyday conversations, even moaning about other half etc. Also Valentine's Day is coming up .... already received a card from him inside. Sometimes wish I could start afresh somewhere else where no one knows me and about it and don’t look at me differently probably feeling sorry for me. Or better still wish I could wave a magic wand to make it all go back to how it used to.
Sorry for the feeling sorry for myself moan hope everyones ok x
The p word was mentioned and it brought the realisation that this is what he is going to be referred to now, not the fun loving man who everyone liked and I fell for 8 years ago. I wanted to say he’s not one of those not the man I knew but I know people see it as black and white.
It’s a year this week since he was arrested and remanded in prison (left without saying goodbye I called it) for talking to online and arranging to meet a police decoy. I don’t think there’s been a day since when i I haven’t thought about it and the why question (don’t think he knows himself) it does get slightly better with time n then wham it comes flooding back. The paranoia that people are gossiping about me behind my back and that I no longer fit in, single, no kids, I can no longer join in the usual everyday conversations, even moaning about other half etc. Also Valentine's Day is coming up .... already received a card from him inside. Sometimes wish I could start afresh somewhere else where no one knows me and about it and don’t look at me differently probably feeling sorry for me. Or better still wish I could wave a magic wand to make it all go back to how it used to.
Sorry for the feeling sorry for myself moan hope everyones ok x
Hi Flossy
I absolutely hate the "p" word, everybody is so quick to use it but many are just ignorant. My story is different to yours, h/b was convicted of downloading iioc never in my wildest dreams did i ever see it coming. Our journey has been kept quiet, nobody nos and i want it to stay that way as im sure he wiuld be branded that. Not the person that he actually is and the person that needs help everyday to fight the porn addiction.
I always think back to what i was told as a child, if you haven't got anything nice to say than say nothing.
You are not defined by your partner you are a good person and you have done nothing wrong!!
Self love, chocolate and wine and what will be will be.
Have a good weekend
Mata x
I absolutely hate the "p" word, everybody is so quick to use it but many are just ignorant. My story is different to yours, h/b was convicted of downloading iioc never in my wildest dreams did i ever see it coming. Our journey has been kept quiet, nobody nos and i want it to stay that way as im sure he wiuld be branded that. Not the person that he actually is and the person that needs help everyday to fight the porn addiction.
I always think back to what i was told as a child, if you haven't got anything nice to say than say nothing.
You are not defined by your partner you are a good person and you have done nothing wrong!!
Self love, chocolate and wine and what will be will be.
Have a good weekend
Mata x
I'm 7 weeks in and I admit this was my innital fear he would be branded that and me a wife of one. It sickens me it really does. Obviously it's very raw and I can't imagine it not feeling this way. He is under investigation for possession of iioc. My social worker revealed this was download and upload. The word upload I went crazy over. I don't know why. I don't enjoy my life right now but I get by. I was literally the most happy and content person who every day said I am so lucky and counted my every blessing in life. Now this.
Flossy I just wanted to say I've read your post and I can totally relate. I feel so lost at the moment and don't feel I fit or belong anywhere. Like you said single, no children and can't join in on conversations. All my closest friends are getting pregnant, something we hoped for this year but my life is so far away from where I thought it would be. It hurts and it's raw. Again like you people in my life who mean well still use the 'p' word and I hate it as that's not how I view or define him. I view him as somebody with mental health issues as a result of adverse childhood advents leading to porn addiction, depression and anxiety. The world just feels such a lonely place right now especially when nobody in your inner circle can see your perspective. Why would they I guess, they haven't been forced to understand a crime that flips your world upside down!
sending big hugs, we can feel lost and alone together! The storm eventually has to end I keep reminding myself! Xxx
sending big hugs, we can feel lost and alone together! The storm eventually has to end I keep reminding myself! Xxx
Hi all thanks for your replies and kind words. Like I said it’s been a year tomorrow since the knock, he was arrested and remanded in prison the next day, some days it seems like only yesterday, I suppose certain things bring back all the trauma of the knock, and the hurt and devastation to your life that follows. It can be one little comment from someone or I see someone who we both knew and who knows about him and whoosh back there feeling like I wish the ground would swallow me up so I don't have to face them.
I think some people think I should have moved on and in some ways I have I moved back home after it’d hit the media, but I can’t face looking for someone else or tell you the truth I don’t think I want to, I thought I’d found the one, we did a lot together and they’re my memories.
I still talk to him on the phone and he says he wants to explain properly face to face when he’s released (should be end of this year) I don’t think he’s evil but god knows why he did it, booze partly to blame and maybe depression.
There seems to be a lot of men going down the wrong path of chatting to decoys or viewing images surely not all of them can be the awful P word...
I don’t really try to explain anymore to people I don’t want to sound like I’m defending him, they can’t understand until they’re in our situations can they and then it can be a very lonely place to be in.
Mata like the wine and chocolate idea x
Saphire it’s still early days it gets slightly better when you know the outcome, take
care x
Confused.com do u know if your staying with him? x
Big hugs everyone xx
I think some people think I should have moved on and in some ways I have I moved back home after it’d hit the media, but I can’t face looking for someone else or tell you the truth I don’t think I want to, I thought I’d found the one, we did a lot together and they’re my memories.
I still talk to him on the phone and he says he wants to explain properly face to face when he’s released (should be end of this year) I don’t think he’s evil but god knows why he did it, booze partly to blame and maybe depression.
There seems to be a lot of men going down the wrong path of chatting to decoys or viewing images surely not all of them can be the awful P word...
I don’t really try to explain anymore to people I don’t want to sound like I’m defending him, they can’t understand until they’re in our situations can they and then it can be a very lonely place to be in.
Mata like the wine and chocolate idea x
Saphire it’s still early days it gets slightly better when you know the outcome, take
care x
Confused.com do u know if your staying with him? x
Big hugs everyone xx
I really don't know flossy, I would like to say yes as I don't want to give up on my marriage as I do love him and understand how this happened. We have fought hard for our relationship up to this point and I guess continue to do so with the new challenges a prison sentence brings. The prison sentence we really didn't expect, and it means he is away for a couple of years. I just feel so torn. Now that I fully understand what happened In his childhood I find I'm really protective over him, he is such a good man at heart and deserves to have that chance at a happy family life. I'm just so mad that he never spoke out he was struggling but that is typical male mental health... they don't acknowledge anything is wrong until it becomes problematic. I'm angry he did this to our relationship. Up until the knock on the door, our relationship was lovely. The wait for the trial actually brought us closer together as we had to address everything and talk better. The other sad reality is it just feels like society won't allow us to have a happy family future life and forget the past. I'm tired of fighting society at the moment but maybe that will change if I get to rest and recover. I just really am so torn, I miss my husband and don't really want to give up on a relationship when everything else was good. Who knows what the future holds, like you said I'm not fully convinced I will get over him and allow myself to open up to another person. I just can't imagine it, but I guess I wouldn't as he's been in my life so long.
what do you see happening with you? Xxx
what do you see happening with you? Xxx
I’m torn too, I also worry about what people think too. I suppose we weren’t married, so I really I could make a fresh start but at the moment I don’t really want the whole meeting new people (which u can’t anyway with Covid) and starting a new relationship thing I probably still love him. Also there's the trust thing how could I trust him again or trust anyone else!! I want to give him the chance to explain properly, and I’m going to read the police report of what happened so I can decide for myself, he says I’ll be surprised whatever that means! I do know there was a secret drink problem at the time and his mum having dementia which affected him but some people would say not an excuse though! Same here when I arrived home to the knock I was oblivious, i never saw it coming at the time. It’s the society thing that would bother me too if your seen out with them, people judging u etc. I never really wanted children, but i think some people do have children while on sor but I gather it’s hard work with social services but I suppose u could ask his probation near realise about that they might be able to advise more.
xx
xx