Desperate for help with family and partner
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This is my first post on this forum.
The current situation has been going on for around 8 months.
My current partner (who I've known for years but only started seeing at the beginning of last year) has just finished an 8 month sentence for breach of lisence by dating a woman with access to a child.
It came completely out of the blue for me, I had no idea about the court cases or anything at all. I've never had to deal with anything prison related before in the slightest, let alone something this serious, and coming from a family where criminal records just don't exist, I didn't tell anyone.
Child services ended up contacting my family about a month ago as I have a younger sister. I don't live with my family and they've never liked my partner anyway so he's never met any of them and never will. My parents have taken the information the worst way they possibly could. Our relationship is borderline non existent at this point and I'm not sure if it'll ever get better.
My partner has been very open and honest since things happened and told me everything, I've known him long enough to trust when he says it was a big mistake and he just wants to move on and put things behind him because the bad things he did isn't who he is. For context my partner is ex military of 13 years and was suffering severely with depression and ptsd when the original offenses occurred. No and excuse, but an exploration.
My question is - has anyone here experienced something similar and been able to save their relationships?
Am I part of the problem by accepting my partners mistakes and trusting that he truly is ashamed of it all?
Does anyone here believe that people who do things like this can be helped and change for the better?
Apologies for the long first post. I'm a bit desperate for help. Thanks.
The current situation has been going on for around 8 months.
My current partner (who I've known for years but only started seeing at the beginning of last year) has just finished an 8 month sentence for breach of lisence by dating a woman with access to a child.
It came completely out of the blue for me, I had no idea about the court cases or anything at all. I've never had to deal with anything prison related before in the slightest, let alone something this serious, and coming from a family where criminal records just don't exist, I didn't tell anyone.
Child services ended up contacting my family about a month ago as I have a younger sister. I don't live with my family and they've never liked my partner anyway so he's never met any of them and never will. My parents have taken the information the worst way they possibly could. Our relationship is borderline non existent at this point and I'm not sure if it'll ever get better.
My partner has been very open and honest since things happened and told me everything, I've known him long enough to trust when he says it was a big mistake and he just wants to move on and put things behind him because the bad things he did isn't who he is. For context my partner is ex military of 13 years and was suffering severely with depression and ptsd when the original offenses occurred. No and excuse, but an exploration.
My question is - has anyone here experienced something similar and been able to save their relationships?
Am I part of the problem by accepting my partners mistakes and trusting that he truly is ashamed of it all?
Does anyone here believe that people who do things like this can be helped and change for the better?
Apologies for the long first post. I'm a bit desperate for help. Thanks.
Hi
I do believe they can change but they have to want to..they have to want to help themselves is what I'm trying to say..showing remorse for what has happened is the first step.
My husband is a broken man.sorry beyond belief for what has happened and wishes it never had but has accepted that it has and now we have to deal with it all.
Hes a good person as I'm sure your partner is..
My husband has made a stupid stupid mistake and one he'll have to live with for the rest of his life.he told me that he'd been suffering with depression for a long time before this happened, he just didn't say anything and kept it to himself.how I wish he hadn't now.
The hardest part of all of this is trying to convince SS that I can protect our daughter should he be allowed home.It feels as though nothing will be good enough.our nightmare is now going into its 2nd Yr.
Its all a mess and I have days where I have days when I just want to hide away.
Do u feel like that at all?
I dnt feel I'm coping very well,I just pretend to everyone that I am..I feel so alone, do u?
My husband is currently living 5miles away from us at my dad's
Where is your partner and do u see him?
SS asked me why do I want him to come home??
Hes my husband ,I love him hes our daughter's dad and she loves and misses him and we want to support him through this
How are you coping? Do u have any support because I dnt really.im on my own at the moment dealing with it all xx
I do believe they can change but they have to want to..they have to want to help themselves is what I'm trying to say..showing remorse for what has happened is the first step.
My husband is a broken man.sorry beyond belief for what has happened and wishes it never had but has accepted that it has and now we have to deal with it all.
Hes a good person as I'm sure your partner is..
My husband has made a stupid stupid mistake and one he'll have to live with for the rest of his life.he told me that he'd been suffering with depression for a long time before this happened, he just didn't say anything and kept it to himself.how I wish he hadn't now.
The hardest part of all of this is trying to convince SS that I can protect our daughter should he be allowed home.It feels as though nothing will be good enough.our nightmare is now going into its 2nd Yr.
Its all a mess and I have days where I have days when I just want to hide away.
Do u feel like that at all?
I dnt feel I'm coping very well,I just pretend to everyone that I am..I feel so alone, do u?
My husband is currently living 5miles away from us at my dad's
Where is your partner and do u see him?
SS asked me why do I want him to come home??
Hes my husband ,I love him hes our daughter's dad and she loves and misses him and we want to support him through this
How are you coping? Do u have any support because I dnt really.im on my own at the moment dealing with it all xx
To both ladies I was reading ur post and ur both so right that it's very a lonely and people dont understand and ss are a world of their own,, but ur both right our men have made mistakes and done what they have done,, yes we know it and we will live with it to with them and the only way we can change things is by trying to help our partners friends, even family members,, I was always brought up to be kind, caring, and non judgement. Now we are now been told to walk away well that's not at all right,, u have to do what's right for ur self's and ur unit, always be kind to urself and take it hour by hour, then day by day there is hope on the other side just don't rush it and feel them emotions,, ask ur gp for help look thro the post on here reach out there are lot of great ladies on here also have a look at stopso and shout to,,, big hugs and we are all here xxx
I've just been reading your stories and my husband has now been living away for 3 years.
Similar to your stories, he is extremely remorseful for the problems he has caused, he has had counselling, CBT and he completed the 1:1 stop it now course. He was clinically depressed - no it's not an excuse but I believe he is extremely remorseful and he is no longer the person he once was. He is like the guy I used to know, rather than how he changed due to the depression.
Personally, what I would like to happen is for him to return to the family home and for us to co-parent. Due to the severity of the depression, over time, my feelings have changed towards him but I believe we can make things work as friends.
SS, of course, need to review our case again, it was closed but to now look at unsupervised access but it's a painful process.
It's interesting to read the number of people who say their partners were severely depressed at the time.
Similar to your stories, he is extremely remorseful for the problems he has caused, he has had counselling, CBT and he completed the 1:1 stop it now course. He was clinically depressed - no it's not an excuse but I believe he is extremely remorseful and he is no longer the person he once was. He is like the guy I used to know, rather than how he changed due to the depression.
Personally, what I would like to happen is for him to return to the family home and for us to co-parent. Due to the severity of the depression, over time, my feelings have changed towards him but I believe we can make things work as friends.
SS, of course, need to review our case again, it was closed but to now look at unsupervised access but it's a painful process.
It's interesting to read the number of people who say their partners were severely depressed at the time.
Sorry for taking so long to reply to my original post.
Yoy have no idea how thankful I am that I'm not in this position alone and there are other people that feel the same way as I do. I've spent so long thinking I'm stupid and just very good at making terrible decisions.
Situation here has only gotten worse.
My family are fully involved with the situation now. My mother is in constant contact with cps as my sister is 16. Despite the fact my partner and family have never met there are a lot of assumptions going around about how I'm being treated and what my partners intentions are.
For reference, I'm 24 and my partner is 41.
I've been told that I'm being abused and groomed by my mother (which are the conversations she's having with cps about me) and as far as everyone else is concerned, he's a massive risk to both myself and everyone else.
Personally I've found this nothing but degrading and offensive so far.
My partner is very supportive and loving towards me, supports me getting my own place to live alone, is incredibly grateful I've stuck around this long with him and like the other posts above, is BEYOND remorseful and ashamed of what he's done. He wants nothing more than to move on and do better for himself. But it seems like his parole officer and the rest of the world are against him and won't even consider that he means it.
Im not sure how much more I can take. Its one thing after another and its really affecting my family. I love him to death but really struggling.
I wish I had someone to support and help me instead of taking every opportunity to tell me I'm wrong.
Yoy have no idea how thankful I am that I'm not in this position alone and there are other people that feel the same way as I do. I've spent so long thinking I'm stupid and just very good at making terrible decisions.
Situation here has only gotten worse.
My family are fully involved with the situation now. My mother is in constant contact with cps as my sister is 16. Despite the fact my partner and family have never met there are a lot of assumptions going around about how I'm being treated and what my partners intentions are.
For reference, I'm 24 and my partner is 41.
I've been told that I'm being abused and groomed by my mother (which are the conversations she's having with cps about me) and as far as everyone else is concerned, he's a massive risk to both myself and everyone else.
Personally I've found this nothing but degrading and offensive so far.
My partner is very supportive and loving towards me, supports me getting my own place to live alone, is incredibly grateful I've stuck around this long with him and like the other posts above, is BEYOND remorseful and ashamed of what he's done. He wants nothing more than to move on and do better for himself. But it seems like his parole officer and the rest of the world are against him and won't even consider that he means it.
Im not sure how much more I can take. Its one thing after another and its really affecting my family. I love him to death but really struggling.
I wish I had someone to support and help me instead of taking every opportunity to tell me I'm wrong.
MGM I'm really sorry to hear your going through. This may not be what you wish to hear but the point you made about everyone is against him even parole and the fact you never knew about the case are red flags to me. I think you should do a Claire's Law check and Sarah's Law check to find out his police background. And don't tell him you are doing these checks you are under no obligation too. See what that it comes back with. I know you wish to trust him and see the best in him but on the flip side you stated you had no idea about the case, this is a concern so I can understand why your family feel upset they are probably very worried there could be more your partner hasn't told you. Doing the checks will also give you peace of mind and a chance to make a fully informed decision based on facts.
And if there is nothing there then great. I'm worried for you as you said he is ex military but yet parole are against him. This doesnt make sense usually authorities would respect someone ex military? I hope you can see what I'm saying I really hope for your sake their isnt anything extra and all this is just a blip. If anything this whole process has taught me is that we never ever fully know a person deep down.
Hi I fully understand where you are coming from, I struggle every day that I lived with a man that was more interested in images of little girls than me but I kept forgiving him