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It's nearly 5 in the morning and I haven't slept tonight. My mind is very full and I feel horrible. It's only been about 6 weeks since the knock. My husband hasn't been charged yet and he's had his bail extended. The last 6 weeks have been unbearably horrific. He has told me on the day of the knock he's addicted to porn and went down a very dark path and looked at iioc and saved them on his laptop. He is incredibly remorseful and upset, in the first week he wanted to end his life, he felt it would be easier for me. We had a very happy life, usual ups and downs that come with being married over 25 years but our life has been good. Our daughter is 18 and our son nearly 16, they are typical sociable teenagers and we have so many happy family memories that's why this is so hard. I've gone through every emotion possible these last few weeks and I've armed myself with enough knowledge to write a book but now I feel stuck.I go from fully supporting my husband and feeling positive and wanting to build our life back, to feeling resentful that he's ruined our life and memories. I love him dearly but this is so hard.I understand why he's done it and the process of the addiction but I just can't get it out of my head him physically looking at iioc and not being strong enough to overcome the urge, like to know that one day the police will arrest him. Once this is all over and whatever the outcome how do I get 25 years worth of love and intimacy back?. Sorry totally rambling, that's what an overactive brain does at night eh
My brain is like this all day and night. Lately I have had disrupted sleep which is better than the no sleep at all I was getting I was running on empty. But now I dream vivid crazy dreams. I really want to trust my husband is being honest with me but its so hard to. I want to believe what he is saying so much he keeps saying I've lost everything I've got nothing to lose now by not being honest. But still I can't take his word for it. We've been together such a long time, years before getting married and having the kids. I'm so lost without him here. I hope you manage to have a more peaceful day and night tonight.
Louise and Saphire, the advice i would give to you both is this. You can't just fall out of love, no matter what. But you have to think of yourself and your children. The future will never be the same. You need to remain friends and supportive of your partner, only if you want to. Noone should judge your actions. If you feel you can work this out you need to be clear. This is an addiction, you will find he will reoffend. We really believed it wouldn't happen again, so remorseful, went on the courses, did everything we asked. He started a new life, still with partner of 15years. Had a child, life was great for 6 years and then the knock on the door, now he is on remand, partner still with him as she knows he is mentally ill, suffering with autism, but a brilliant dad, only supervised access now. I couldn't cope with this as I feel it's too selfish, I'm his mum, I would rather her walk away and have a better life ????. But I understand how much she loves him ?. I love him too, but hate what he's done to his family
There is no easy answer, I feel your pain, our lives have been turned upside down for 2 years now. The whole family in turmoil. I can't remember when I slept properly ???? Don't think I ever will, but I will fight to get these images, and websites shut down. Can't believe they haven't been already. Doesn't solve everything, but it's a start. Don't forget you aren't alone, sending big hugs to you both xx