Family and Friends Forum

Hi

My husband was arrested Nov 2019 for being in possession of iioc.

Quite a few thousand were found.hubby been consistent in his story and how it all happened. Downloaded the dreaded kik app to chat to people..

He swears it was one image he was sent..swears he never went looking for these images said he never downloaded them but because it was from our IP address he downloaded kik,it looks like he's downloaded the images..

Fast forward to last week,magistrates court and solicitor telling him at most suspended sentence, sor and probation.also he's due to appear in crown court for actual sentencing.

Ss today telling me solicitor shouldn't be telling husband it's only a suspended semtenc( bearing in mind she's an extremely experienced solicitor in this type of case) and after all the work ive done and the things I've put in place , ss say he might not ever be able to come home until our daughter is 18.

Its a living nightmare.ive chosen to stand by him because hes a good person who's made a stupid stupid mistake and one he'll have to live with for the rest of his life.

I feel your pain i really do.we can't bear to think of the worst happening xx

Lee's words have been a tower of strength in the days that have been dark and depressing.

Take note of any advice she gives x

My biggest fear was that people would judge me for standing by him ( there's very few who know) but u still feel that maybe they're secretly judging u .

Hes a good person who's made a stupid stupid mistake..

My other fear is him being sent away and not being allowed home..

I need to slow down and try not to overthink but it's so hard and there's days when I wish I would wake up and its all been a bad dream..

If there's a god ,he'll see us through it

Lee

No need for thanks..your words and advice have been a great source of comfort and ive taken lots on board.

I know its not my fault that this has happened, but I feel that if hes not allowed home,then that's my fault because it means in my eyes,that no matter what I've done so far and will continue to do, isn't good enough for ss

And if what ive done isn't enough then I dnt know what is..

Xx

I know lee it's not my fault but a little part of me feels as though it is because I feel I haven't done enough to prove to SS that I can keep our daughter safe.

ive cooperated fully with them in everything they've asked me to do.

it's going into 2yrs since he actually lived at home..he was allowed to have contact here at home last year until the 2nd arrest.

now its contact in the community for now and even in this awful weather we're having, we have to sit outside and eat in it aswell..that's so unfair on our daughter and SS don't seem to care for want of a better word..

if they won't allow him home, then at least let contact be in the home until such a time when he is allowed to return home ..I thought the needs of the child were the most important? Surely sitting out in the freezing cold eating isn't meeting anyone's needs least of all our daughter's xx

And at the moment he's on what I believe is 'unconditional bail'

Annie I find your situation absolutely disgusting! How is it right for the children! From all your posts I've read you've done EVERYTHING!. What more do they want?! Do SS actually want you to say " yes my husband will do something to my daughter"?! I mean the more I read about them I feel ultimately they are on a power trip. I just think if you've done all the things they want how can they not back down! And you have unconditional bail!. This is what I don't understand the police and SS seem to be on opposite wavelengths. The police have all the expertise and they've decided he is low risk hence the unconditional bail so if the SS have the exact same info as the police about what he's done how can they think the complete opposite?!. In a lot of families situations on here I don't think they have the best interests of children, I really don't. I've said it before there has been highly publicised cases of SS missing brutal child abuse when all the signs are there! How can they be so inconsistent with the procedures!

Annie, my children are older, 18 and 16 so my situation is different, your kids are young aren't they? But like I've said you've done everything. God you must be at your wits end eh. I've just had a meltdown this morning. Not coping very well, isn't helped when my daughter doesn't get up in time for college call first thing this morning. I just wish they could be back in school and college, they've turned into slobs. I've had enough of lockdown, of the news, and of cold stupid winter!

Louise yes my daughter is only 11.she'll be 12 in April..Thank you for saying that you feel I've done everything right and I don't know what else I'm meant to do..I've done the lot

family safety plan

security camera

secured internet access

changed PIN numbers/passwords

done the seen and heard programme( which when SS visited yesterday said they'd never heard of)

completed a level one in child protection and safeguarding and I'm now in the middle of a level two in child protection

my daughter loves her dad, but she is really fed up of being out in the cold when we meet him..we've even sat in the pouring rain with him eating..how does that not account for some sort of neglect etc?
Weve all been frozen stiff and yet still we have to do it..SW is coming this afternoon to see our daughter and I'm telling her this can't go on being out in the freezing weather..it's just not fair and I'll tell her I can't do anymore than I'm doing to prove she'll be safe if she allows him to come home..I feel at the moment I'm banging my head against a brick wall with SS.

feels like there's no trust with them. I know all to well how all this looks, how serious it is, I don't think think for a second that it's acceptable and not for a minute have I ever tried to justify it..since their visit yesterday I've done nothing but cry and I've barely eaten because I feel physically drained trying to think of what else I'm meant to do.

my daughter hasn't been able to see her dad outside for nearly 2 weeks as it is because she had to self isolate due to her being in contact with someone at school who tested positive.

shes said to me many times in the last few weeks " no offence to dad, but I'm fed up of being out in the cold"

breaks my heart xx

Also Louise I've told them time and time again I know the signs of sexual abuse and I'm tired of telling them that my daughter has never ever shown any of the signs and I pray to god that she never would but that if she did I'm fully aware of who I need to go to and what I need to do.

ive no reason to suspect that my husband has ever done anything to her and I've no reason to suspect he would and SS were told yesterday that god forbid a situation arose then he'd be gone without a seconds thought.

no one else has any concerns regarding her, not locala, not even school , they never have and they've even told SS this..SW has even said she's no concerns regarding her care and welfare on my part..so what else do they actually want from me xx

My daughter is on a child in need plan at the moment..both myself and husband have had assessments done and I'm guessing they both fall under the 'single family assessment'?



I speak to my daughter all the time about safety when she's online and she's fully aware of what is wrong and what is right because from her being old enough to understand, we've spoken to her about it and she's assured me that nothing has ever occurred when she's been online and if it were to arise, she knows what she needs to do.

she doesn't have any social media apart from WhatsApp and tik tok and this is monitored regularly and SS are aware of this.

so it's a waiting game and a long one at that ..I'm trying my very best and so is hubby but is hard it really ..thank you for your advice and support lee, it really does mean a lot xx

Annie, I do think you should tell your SW how it's not working you meeting out in the cold. You may be able to come up with a compromise?. You really have done everything you can love to show them so I would ask them what they are going to do now?. I mean it can't all be one sided. They are supposed to be working with you, after all they are called " children's services" so in their words have the best interests of children. I mean they may very well say no contact at all as the situation isn't working with you out in the cold and as you've seen on here they have no set way of working!. I think after your meeting today make sure you document everything. Also ask how they are going to be proactive, ask for timescales etc. You've done a lot of really good work and you've done everything they've asked so they have to cooperate and do some work themselves, big hugs love. I can't begin to imagine how stressful it is for all you lovely ladies with young children I really can't xx

Annie I just wanted to post to say I have a similar situation with contact as contact is out in the community. This is because he is on bail for possession of iioc no charges yet and as said police won't give further info that will help them. So we meet in the absolute freezing cold weather and drag it out for as long as I can with a 3 year old and 6 year old. But they soon get cold and fed up and its just not kind to keep them out so the contact is not a great situation. We have discussed it with our sw and she said she won't think of changing the rules unless the police give her the results of the forensics. God knows when that will be. So we keep trying to make this work, I have a warm house with open spaces where all can be seen, I have followed everything they've said so far and they agree i am very protective but they will not change the rules. Its so frustrating.

Louise and sapphire SW has said that by the time our next CIN meeting is on the 5th of March everything should be concluded then.

But that is still a long time away and the weather is awful at the moment..Sapphire I feel your pain especially as your children are younger than my daughter, but it's still not great and I wish SW would see that..

I need to speak to her when she comes this afternoon and tell her it's getting ridiculous out in the cold and it's not fair on our daughter..Ive supervised in the home before , is it different this time because he's been charged and due to be sentenced? I don't know..The way I supervised before is exactly how I'd be supervising now , I just don't see the difference and why they're taking their time and y they won't budge on contact inside..SW said it was because they needed to complete work with me which they've done that now..I've bent over backwards to do everything I can possibly do and I can't do much more.

im fed up of it all .

thank u for your kind words x

I think I got lucky with my SW, he said whatever my husband has, or hasn't done, he should have a relationship with his children (11 and 9). The assessment from SW and police said that no harm had come to them. He is allowed supervised visits, when I followed up what was meant by this no one replied so I let him come to the house. The girls wouldn't go if it was outside, they would refuse. It is supervised, he doesnt let himself in and leaves without me saying anything, feels more normal for the girls. I dont see why you couldnt do the same. I had a friend who stood up to SS and stayed firm throughout, refusing to make her husband leave, they pushed her but eventually gave in and just visited her weekly to try to wear her down, eventually he was found not guilty,

I don't think my husband is going to walk away from this sentencing Scott free..highly doubtful that he will and in his defence he's accepted what's happened and is cooperating fully..

SW is coming this afternoon to see our daughter and I'm mentioning everything about being outside and how it's not fair and if I was able to supervise last year in the home, why can't I do the same now..

ive gone through it time and time again until my head feels like it's about to burst about how I'd supervise and it just seems to go in one ear and straight out the other side with SS.Surely they can't think it's right and fair having to be out in the cold xx

Lee as always thanks for pointing in the direction of support and I'll try the family rights group. I just feel for my children their contact is poor they deserve better quality contact than this. I hope that the others on here having difficulty with their sw can find some way of moving forward and getting the changes you need. I feel like if I'm such a protective parent then why can't I supervise my own house and my own children. I don't see how 2 young kids benefit from awkward contact it bitterly cold conditions. I have thought of stopping the contact due to the weather but I have just cut it short instead.

Lee that's so so sad for your child. When this whole situation comes down to protecting children why are the children of those accused of these crimes not protected and treated better.

Hubby due a visit next week from the 2 social workers who visited me this week..think its something about a risk assessment and if he can come home.

Any advice about what he can expect and any advice about what he can do or say as he's very nervous and doesn't want to say the wrong thing that may prevent him being allowed home.

Any help on this one will be greatly appreciated xx

I'd get him to write a list of all the things he has done to address the offending. It's hard to remember everything in pressured situations like this. Ensure he doesn't minimise anything.

He should also acknowledge any triggers for his behaviour and how he would address these in the future e.g. dip in mental health - contact go.

Who are the people in your life that can offer support, if needed?

Ask them to be open and what they would expect. What does he need to do to get home and how can ss support this? E.g. courses etc

Good luck x

Hi Sarah

Hes engaging with probation

Hes going on a course that probation have organised for him

They also want him to see a Councillor or therapist and he's going to do that aswell

Hes also a gym freak and has found that working out has helped massively with his mental health but obviously at the moment gyms are closed.

But he'll engage with that again as soon as they reopen.hes also an amateur DJ and loves making music and IAPTS encouraged him to keep doing that also as a form of therapy.

IAPTS encouraged him to also tell me if he felt his mental health dipping to get me to ring them.

Its such a massive strain to try and do the right thing by SS

Is there anything else he can do ?

Xx