The Knock
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I didn’t get “the knock”. On 14th January, two plain clothes detectives were coming up the back lane as I left to pick up my sister’s dog for his walk, (she had surgery on her achilles tendon in November). I walked up the street, looking back to see them enter my back gate. I walked back down and into my back yard, looked through the window and saw one of them with my partner in the dining room. I knocked on the window and my back door opened to a stranger standing there. He asked if I lived in the property then told me they were here to arrest my partner for a “computer incident” and that he’d be released some time later that day. He gave me his number, took mine and said he’d keep me updated. I headed off to my sister’s house in a daze. When I got there and told her what was happening, I said, “I’ve seen this on TV. A computer incident and they won’t tell me anything. I know what this is”. When I said what I thought, we were both, “No way, not in a million years”. Then I said, “What am I doing here? I need to be back down there”.
As I walked back into my house, I heard the detective tell my partner he was arresting him for the sharing of indecent images of minors, and I crashed. As much as I suspected that from what I’d seen on TV, the reality was too much. The detective who had spoken to me at the back door, sat me down and explained that they needed to search the property for devices. I went back to my sisters to wait. And that’s what we did all day – waited. We returned to my house just as the search was being completed, then waited. It was one of the longest days of my life.
At 6pm, my partner returned home. He told us that he’d uploaded 3 images to Twitter. Two were erotic drawings he’d done, (he’s very artistic), and 1 was a cartoon of Bart and Lisa Simpson, depicting them having sex. He told us that his licence would probably be suspended, (he was a taxi driver), and that Social Services would be contacting his 12 year old daughter’s mother. I told him that I’d already been in touch with her earlier that day as I didn’t want her having the same shock that I’d had. He cried. We got angry at the injustice of it as where was the victim in this? Can an image in a drawing be classed as a victim? That just didn’t seem right.
The following day we discussed speaking to his parents regarding financial support as he couldn’t go to work. He said he felt he’d be judged by them so didn’t want to tell them just yet. I agreed. I felt at the time that I wanted to protect him from this awful mistake that had been made by the police. It felt so unfair.
Around 2pm that day, his daughters mother rang me. She told me that Social Services had been in touch with her. She asked what he’d told me then said he was a liar as they’d told her that the police had already found an icloud account with 12000 images ranging from babies to geriatrics. Social Services told her not to tell me anything, but she thought I had the right to know who I was living with. Shocked, I told her I’d call her back.
He was asleep on the settee, so I went to my sisters and rang James, the detective whose number I had. He told me that all he could say was that he was arrested for a Category C image. I asked if it was a drawing and he said it was a photograph. I came off the phone in a daze. My sister wanted to know what was going on. She suffers from complex PTSD mainly regarding trust. When I told her, she was massively triggered. Trying to keep her calm, helped to keep me calm and decide what to do.
I rang his parents. I told them what had happened and what I now knew. They were devastated. I then told them that I would be asking him to leave and could he stay at their house. They agreed in the short term. My brother then arrived and he and my sister decided that they would go to my house and tell him he needed to leave. If I’d gone at that time, I know I would have done physical harm to him as I was so angry. My sister asked him if he had anything he wanted to say to me and he said he’d been sent a link, but he hadn’t viewed the images, “for a while”. Well, whoop whoop to that! No denial, no apology, just gone.
I know now from conversations with his parents and the mother of his child that a lot of what he told me were lies. Tales of his upbringing, stories of his past relationships, lots of deceit and manipulation. I believe him to be a sociopath.
But I’m lucky. Lucky that I was only 18 months into the relationship. Lucky that I didn’t have children with him. Lucky that it was my house we lived in. Lucky that I have a supportive family. Having read other peoples experiences on here, I realise that this could have been a lot worse.
However, I’m devastated that I’ve lost my relationship with his daughter. Social Services gave her mother no support and advised that as she’s 12 she has the emotional capacity to be told the truth. My sister is a systemic practitioner in psychotherapy and has worked with children’s services in the past. After speaking to her mother it was agreed that we would go to their house and that my sister would speak to his daughter in a way that would not psychologically damage her as she wanted to know what her father had done. This was all arranged, then the morning we were to go, I got a text from her mother saying that she’d changed her mind, she’d decide when to tell her daughter the truth, if ever, and that she was cutting off contact with me. I understand how hard it must be, but his daughter wanted to know the truth. I have text her saying that if she ever wants to contact me in the future, I’ll be here and that I love her. I doubt I’ll hear from her.
To all the women on here, stay strong, love yourself and believe that your happiness and self worth is more important than sacrificing yourself for any man. They leave devastation in their wake and we’re the ones that have to pick up the pieces.
As I walked back into my house, I heard the detective tell my partner he was arresting him for the sharing of indecent images of minors, and I crashed. As much as I suspected that from what I’d seen on TV, the reality was too much. The detective who had spoken to me at the back door, sat me down and explained that they needed to search the property for devices. I went back to my sisters to wait. And that’s what we did all day – waited. We returned to my house just as the search was being completed, then waited. It was one of the longest days of my life.
At 6pm, my partner returned home. He told us that he’d uploaded 3 images to Twitter. Two were erotic drawings he’d done, (he’s very artistic), and 1 was a cartoon of Bart and Lisa Simpson, depicting them having sex. He told us that his licence would probably be suspended, (he was a taxi driver), and that Social Services would be contacting his 12 year old daughter’s mother. I told him that I’d already been in touch with her earlier that day as I didn’t want her having the same shock that I’d had. He cried. We got angry at the injustice of it as where was the victim in this? Can an image in a drawing be classed as a victim? That just didn’t seem right.
The following day we discussed speaking to his parents regarding financial support as he couldn’t go to work. He said he felt he’d be judged by them so didn’t want to tell them just yet. I agreed. I felt at the time that I wanted to protect him from this awful mistake that had been made by the police. It felt so unfair.
Around 2pm that day, his daughters mother rang me. She told me that Social Services had been in touch with her. She asked what he’d told me then said he was a liar as they’d told her that the police had already found an icloud account with 12000 images ranging from babies to geriatrics. Social Services told her not to tell me anything, but she thought I had the right to know who I was living with. Shocked, I told her I’d call her back.
He was asleep on the settee, so I went to my sisters and rang James, the detective whose number I had. He told me that all he could say was that he was arrested for a Category C image. I asked if it was a drawing and he said it was a photograph. I came off the phone in a daze. My sister wanted to know what was going on. She suffers from complex PTSD mainly regarding trust. When I told her, she was massively triggered. Trying to keep her calm, helped to keep me calm and decide what to do.
I rang his parents. I told them what had happened and what I now knew. They were devastated. I then told them that I would be asking him to leave and could he stay at their house. They agreed in the short term. My brother then arrived and he and my sister decided that they would go to my house and tell him he needed to leave. If I’d gone at that time, I know I would have done physical harm to him as I was so angry. My sister asked him if he had anything he wanted to say to me and he said he’d been sent a link, but he hadn’t viewed the images, “for a while”. Well, whoop whoop to that! No denial, no apology, just gone.
I know now from conversations with his parents and the mother of his child that a lot of what he told me were lies. Tales of his upbringing, stories of his past relationships, lots of deceit and manipulation. I believe him to be a sociopath.
But I’m lucky. Lucky that I was only 18 months into the relationship. Lucky that I didn’t have children with him. Lucky that it was my house we lived in. Lucky that I have a supportive family. Having read other peoples experiences on here, I realise that this could have been a lot worse.
However, I’m devastated that I’ve lost my relationship with his daughter. Social Services gave her mother no support and advised that as she’s 12 she has the emotional capacity to be told the truth. My sister is a systemic practitioner in psychotherapy and has worked with children’s services in the past. After speaking to her mother it was agreed that we would go to their house and that my sister would speak to his daughter in a way that would not psychologically damage her as she wanted to know what her father had done. This was all arranged, then the morning we were to go, I got a text from her mother saying that she’d changed her mind, she’d decide when to tell her daughter the truth, if ever, and that she was cutting off contact with me. I understand how hard it must be, but his daughter wanted to know the truth. I have text her saying that if she ever wants to contact me in the future, I’ll be here and that I love her. I doubt I’ll hear from her.
To all the women on here, stay strong, love yourself and believe that your happiness and self worth is more important than sacrificing yourself for any man. They leave devastation in their wake and we’re the ones that have to pick up the pieces.
Hi Charlie
Wow what a story. Its so similar to mine I could of wrote it along side you. Firstly big hugs I'm sorry you've found yourself here.
Our situation is so similar it's untrue. I'm so very grateful it's my own house too, no kids but feel gutted for his child who was involved in our relationship at weekends.
They are the victims in this. I feel so very sad for the mum too having to explain why dad can no longer have you over the weekend or visit. It's the price they have to pay unfortunately.
It's a grief now we're both in, when the shock subsides it's the grief of the loss of the relationship. The hopes and dreams we once shared are no longer there. It's the horror of did I even know this person? Ultimately I didn't know my partner. He kept this very well hidden for years. Iv come to realise you never fully know anyone at all.
Take each day day by day, and be kind to yourself. Your not at fault and you have done your best trying to help mum and daughter. Maybe in time that can still happen. It's still very raw. That shows how kind and selfless you are trying to put their needs first.
I thought about reaching out to mum and child also but I don't think it will be helpful as it's so raw for them also.
I'm also dealing with it being all over the press. Everyone I know have found out and it's set me back to the day the police knocked. For months it's kept me up at night will it hit the media and it did. Everywhere. No amount of worrying changed that.
Everyone has been lovely and supportive. Noone knew a thing. I spoke to noone throughout the investigation. I'm glad you have your family around you as this is the lonliest journey to be on.
You will move on from this with the right support. You have your own house and you sound like your a strong independent woman. Like I am. We will come through the other side.
Thank you for sharing your story x
Wow what a story. Its so similar to mine I could of wrote it along side you. Firstly big hugs I'm sorry you've found yourself here.
Our situation is so similar it's untrue. I'm so very grateful it's my own house too, no kids but feel gutted for his child who was involved in our relationship at weekends.
They are the victims in this. I feel so very sad for the mum too having to explain why dad can no longer have you over the weekend or visit. It's the price they have to pay unfortunately.
It's a grief now we're both in, when the shock subsides it's the grief of the loss of the relationship. The hopes and dreams we once shared are no longer there. It's the horror of did I even know this person? Ultimately I didn't know my partner. He kept this very well hidden for years. Iv come to realise you never fully know anyone at all.
Take each day day by day, and be kind to yourself. Your not at fault and you have done your best trying to help mum and daughter. Maybe in time that can still happen. It's still very raw. That shows how kind and selfless you are trying to put their needs first.
I thought about reaching out to mum and child also but I don't think it will be helpful as it's so raw for them also.
I'm also dealing with it being all over the press. Everyone I know have found out and it's set me back to the day the police knocked. For months it's kept me up at night will it hit the media and it did. Everywhere. No amount of worrying changed that.
Everyone has been lovely and supportive. Noone knew a thing. I spoke to noone throughout the investigation. I'm glad you have your family around you as this is the lonliest journey to be on.
You will move on from this with the right support. You have your own house and you sound like your a strong independent woman. Like I am. We will come through the other side.
Thank you for sharing your story x
Hi Charlie55. Like you I split up with my husband of 10 years. He totally denied everything and would not discuss it at all. I also found out that everything he had told me about his previous 2 marriages was lies.
The knock devasted me, but if it had not happened I would not of found out about his past. He had to share my laptop for emails when his was seized by the police. When he moved in with me he did not tell me he had loads of debts. I found out over the years about them. Each time he looked me in the eye and lied about them and blaming them on everyone but himself. He promised me when we got married not to get any more debts. 9 weeks after the knock I opened my laptop and saw several emails of people chasing him for money and told him he had to move out.
I would have supported him if he had been honest and shown some sort of remorse. The images were cat A. I now discover that he just lies and lies. I can not be with someone I do not trust. Like you I own my house so he had to move out. He thinks he is the victim because he had to leave.
At first I blamed myself. How could I live with someone for 10 years and not realise all the lies. Family and friends have been amazing. The thing that upsets me is his family and friends have all said they knew he was a liar, but thought he had changed. I think you have made the right decision and lucky to be able to make a clean break. I also admire the women on here that stuck by their men, but notice that most of their partners have faced up to having a problem and are willing to do anything to put things right.
The knock devasted me, but if it had not happened I would not of found out about his past. He had to share my laptop for emails when his was seized by the police. When he moved in with me he did not tell me he had loads of debts. I found out over the years about them. Each time he looked me in the eye and lied about them and blaming them on everyone but himself. He promised me when we got married not to get any more debts. 9 weeks after the knock I opened my laptop and saw several emails of people chasing him for money and told him he had to move out.
I would have supported him if he had been honest and shown some sort of remorse. The images were cat A. I now discover that he just lies and lies. I can not be with someone I do not trust. Like you I own my house so he had to move out. He thinks he is the victim because he had to leave.
At first I blamed myself. How could I live with someone for 10 years and not realise all the lies. Family and friends have been amazing. The thing that upsets me is his family and friends have all said they knew he was a liar, but thought he had changed. I think you have made the right decision and lucky to be able to make a clean break. I also admire the women on here that stuck by their men, but notice that most of their partners have faced up to having a problem and are willing to do anything to put things right.
To Yazznan and In Limbo
Thank you for your kind words. I know I am not alone in my experience.
One thing I must state though, and I forgot to say this in my original post:
I am not a victim of this. I'm a casualty. The only victims are the children who are abused in order for these men to fulfill their desires. Reading through some of the stories on here, especially from women who have chosen to stay with their partners, I feel that these children are sometimes forgotten.
As for it being easier to stay, I understand that, as letting go of an attachment is never easy. But if you're a mother, surely you would want to protect your children above anything else. And yes, lots of these men are seeking help. However, it was their choice to access images which they knew were illegal. If you had that urge, why not seek help prior to causing the devestation to your families lives, whilst adding to the demand for these images, which then results in more child abuse?
Good luck to you both and I hope life is kind to you xx
Thank you for your kind words. I know I am not alone in my experience.
One thing I must state though, and I forgot to say this in my original post:
I am not a victim of this. I'm a casualty. The only victims are the children who are abused in order for these men to fulfill their desires. Reading through some of the stories on here, especially from women who have chosen to stay with their partners, I feel that these children are sometimes forgotten.
As for it being easier to stay, I understand that, as letting go of an attachment is never easy. But if you're a mother, surely you would want to protect your children above anything else. And yes, lots of these men are seeking help. However, it was their choice to access images which they knew were illegal. If you had that urge, why not seek help prior to causing the devestation to your families lives, whilst adding to the demand for these images, which then results in more child abuse?
Good luck to you both and I hope life is kind to you xx
Can I please ask how you know that women who stay are 'weak'... Did you take the time to walk in those shoes? Woman who stayed don't judge you for leaving so please don't judge those who stay when you have NO IDEA what they went through as you left
There is a range of people on this forum. All here to get support, see they are not alone, and gain an understanding of what to expect and use the forum to have a voice. Please refrain from passing judgement relating to those who use this forum.
I can understand why you have your opinion on women who stay, but it is hurtful to see in this space. There are many reasons why people stay, lives are so complex. These types of offending is not black and white. I recommend reading the 'understanding why' forum section for resources on learning more about these types of offences. Getting an understanding doesn't mean it condones this behaviour or excuses it.
I can understand why you have your opinion on women who stay, but it is hurtful to see in this space. There are many reasons why people stay, lives are so complex. These types of offending is not black and white. I recommend reading the 'understanding why' forum section for resources on learning more about these types of offences. Getting an understanding doesn't mean it condones this behaviour or excuses it.
Hello,
We'd like to address some of the concerns that have been raised regarding this thread. It is really positive to see the support and encouragement you all provide each other across the forum and it is inspiring to read. For the most part, you all support and advise one another without passing comment on the choices you each have to make, and with which you are all wrestling in your own way. One purpose of the forum is for individuals to access support and advice from their peers in a safe and non-judgmental environment, and we are very keen for this to continue. With that in mind, as ever, please be sensitive in the way in which you express your views and respectful of the choices others make. If you have any more concerns that you wish to discuss please do not hesitate to contact us.
Take care,
We'd like to address some of the concerns that have been raised regarding this thread. It is really positive to see the support and encouragement you all provide each other across the forum and it is inspiring to read. For the most part, you all support and advise one another without passing comment on the choices you each have to make, and with which you are all wrestling in your own way. One purpose of the forum is for individuals to access support and advice from their peers in a safe and non-judgmental environment, and we are very keen for this to continue. With that in mind, as ever, please be sensitive in the way in which you express your views and respectful of the choices others make. If you have any more concerns that you wish to discuss please do not hesitate to contact us.
Take care,
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And yellowhouse your post says it all as does yazz and in limbo. Each journey is completely different but we all end up on the same path as we all experience the same emotions and feelings and that's why we want to be somewhere that we dont feel judged. But that post ( which has been edited) was absolutely not needed here. Everyone here has enough to deal with without more judgement. And also we want to feel safe here without feeling attacked for choices we make.
Nobody is weak in this journey whether they stay or leave. It takes utter strength to pick up the pieces and continue life in the limbo of all of this nightmare. You will learn things about yourself you didn't know before. I certainly have! It takes strength to weigh things up and leave the relationship and rebuild a life on your own after the trauma. It takes strength to find forgiveness towards a loved one and to stand by them in rehabilitation. There are no winners in any of this. We are all doing our best in the shitty circumstances we have found ourselves. There is no right or wrong and like someone above said before every situation is different and complex!
Hi All
i don't post much on this site but I'm so outraged at the above judgmental comment that I couldn't not post a reply. I am a mother of a communication offender. I have chosen to stick with my son. Does this make me weak? !!!!!!! Was I meant to forget that I had a son and get on with my life? What everyone on this site is going through is bad enough without such unhelpful judgments. Fortunately this whole process has toughened me up so I can brush off ignorant comments like that but for others just starting the journey it is not so easy. I know this from experience just like most other people do. I'm speechless that someone could come here for support and post such a judgement post possibly knowing it has the potential to make some people's hurt much worse than it is. Rant over. Take care x
i don't post much on this site but I'm so outraged at the above judgmental comment that I couldn't not post a reply. I am a mother of a communication offender. I have chosen to stick with my son. Does this make me weak? !!!!!!! Was I meant to forget that I had a son and get on with my life? What everyone on this site is going through is bad enough without such unhelpful judgments. Fortunately this whole process has toughened me up so I can brush off ignorant comments like that but for others just starting the journey it is not so easy. I know this from experience just like most other people do. I'm speechless that someone could come here for support and post such a judgement post possibly knowing it has the potential to make some people's hurt much worse than it is. Rant over. Take care x
I've read through all this post and that one judgmental comment has truly upset me. As the supportive women in here have said this is an incredibly horrendous journey we are all trying to navigate and I've found great comfort, reassurance and guidance from some amazingly strong women on here. I'm only about 6 weeks into this nightmare and my world at the beginning was blown apart. I love my husband dearly and I'll be supporting him through all this. I don't condone what he's done, but I'm learning about why and that's from the kind non judgemental support on here that I'll be forever grateful for. It's certainly not a weakness to want to build my life back and support my husband, I have been married nearly 30 years, happily married, and have two kids, 18 and 16. I know it will be a very rough road to get our happy family back but we are both stronger together and that's all that matters to me and my kids
We are all in this same harrowing nightmare. Please be kind to each other. It is the worst feeling for all of us. Our lives have changed forever, and whether we stay and support or move on, we all have our reasons. I understand someone moving forward from a relationship, when a partner continues to be in denial, it is awful and deceitful for the partner. They have a right to be angry and walk away. We shouldn't judge them or their emotions. They have been living a lie in their relationship. It's hard for them to understand anyone else's situation. We have all been through anger, hurt, upset, heartbroken. As a mum and grandmother of an offender of iioc, our lives have changed. I have experience of a daughter in law, struggling with this and if she walks away, I would support her and her children. My family have turned their backs, and the neighbours continue to want me evicted. I can't judge anyone, but my son is my son and I will always support him to get the help he needs
I too felt I had to post a response to that post. My partner has strayed - online images, and I certainly do not condone what he has done. However, I have gained some understanding and having been with my partner for 15 years have experienced nothing else from him but positiveness, both towards myself and too others around us, family, friends neighbours etc. He would do anything for anybody, and has always had the approach that the only way is forward and as long as lessons are learnt from mistakes then this has to be the correct approach. He is so remorseful about his actions and has been actively seeking help since the knock. For instance, my elderly uncle has been suffering health issues of late, and my partner has been there for him every step of the way (without being asked). During a phone call this morning, my uncle stated that "please tell P that he is wonderful, kind and caring. Dont let him go!" I dont think this would denote some monster do you?
I was interrupted during my previous post by a phone call, and therefore sent it before I had finished. I wanted to point out that I have thought several times about walking away from my relationship, what I would say to people about the reasons why we had split and that it would be an end to this awful situation. Then I considered the fact that for 15 years I have experienced wonderful times with my partner, we get really well, he has been honest and upfront since the knock and did I really want to throw this all away? We all make our own decisions about which path we follow, as all of our circumstances vary and it dosent denote whether we are weak or not, we do what is right for us as individuals and our families.
I don't think anyone in this position we find ourselves in can be described as weak whether you stay or leave. I am undecided right now and I'll make my mind up in my own time and my decision will be right for me. My decision will take an enormous amount of strength either way. As one thing I know it takes a huge amount of strength to get up each day. It takes a huge amount of strength to be a mother. To go to work. And I know every person who has experienced this will have had some very dark days. But it is strength that keeps everyone on here going on this journey not weakness. I could leave my husband today and finish it today, will it make my tomorrow easier - no it won't because this nightmare continues. One thing you will not find on here is weakness, just incredible strength in a variety of situations.
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Andrea please don't think your weak for walking away. Your really not.
Those men who commit the crime are the weak ones! It takes the upmost strength to pick up your whole life, and start it again, plus carry on with out lives ie jobs, household stuff, families and process such a shocking crime.
That takes real strength. Never under estimate yourself! You've got through to this day and you should hold your head up high for that.
Xxx
Those men who commit the crime are the weak ones! It takes the upmost strength to pick up your whole life, and start it again, plus carry on with out lives ie jobs, household stuff, families and process such a shocking crime.
That takes real strength. Never under estimate yourself! You've got through to this day and you should hold your head up high for that.
Xxx
No one is weak on this journey and each journey is unique to that one person. The original post has been edited but it was a direct judgement on women who stay and it was reported and should of bern removed for the sake of women who are new to the journey and now feel unsure about using the forum. Us that have been here for a while have tougher skin but the new ones that are coming here daily dont need to see any judgement just support and advice. Those first few weeks, as I'm sure all of us can remember, are unbearable and coming here felt like a safe place where you could say how you truly feel and all the conflicting emotions can get poured out without judgement!! The children are never forgotten( I am a survivor of this crime) but this forum is about support and advice for family and friends of offenders and how we can travel this journey feeling less alone. This crime will never go away especially whilst the internet is not monitored and the big companies e.g social media, google etc do nothing to rectify the issue. It's not going away and it's getting worse xx