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A bit of advice needed.

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Distraught

Member since
July 2020

11 posts

Posted Thu February 11, 2021 10:39pmReport post

Hi all,

I haven't posted on here for a long time, just looking for some advice. The knock came in July 2020 and my (now ex) partner admitted straight away what he had done. I was 36 weeks pregnant and my world imploded.

We separated and now he has a weekly supervised visit with our 5 month old. However he's demanding more time with her and complains that I don't send him pictures of her or updates. I've told him all he has to do is ask if he wants pictures (SS said fully clothed pictures that I take and send are fine). He's not remorseful at all and doesn't think that because of what he's done he poses a risk to our daughter. I don't think he deserves any more time with her as he shows very little interest in her, any advice on how to handle the situation would be really welcome. SS have left me to deal with it as they've said my protectiveness of her means i understand the risks posed.

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

469 posts

Posted Fri February 12, 2021 8:16amReport post

Hi love, firstly how are you? You say he's your ex?, are you getting support from other family?. Dealing with this even though he's your ex must be exhausting on you and you have a baby! That alone is exhausting eh. Firstly he sounds like he's piling on the pressure and you aren't happy about that?. I'm sorry but if he wants to be more involved in your daughters life I do feel he needs to address what he's done. If he's not remorseful then he needs to question why!. Is he saying he's not guilty?. If you don't feel comfortable with the situation and he wants more access to his daughter I'd talk with the SW. Do you have a good relationship with your SW?, if you do ask them for advice. Also I think when you've said " he doesn't show any interest" really would make me think he needs to work on his own problems and question himself if he actually wants a relationship with his daughter in the future. I'm sorry but it sounds like he doesn't care?. Take care love

Edited Fri February 12, 2021 8:21am

majestictopaz15

Member since
December 2019

371 posts

Posted Fri February 12, 2021 1:22pmReport post

You are being reasonable as it is by allowing some sort of contact, and he should be very grateful for that. My partner hasn't seen his kids for years and has to go through family courts to get visitation rights.

I think if you lay down the boundaries you are comfortable with and state that (e.g. no photos, supervised once a week etc) and maybe agree a time to reassess the boundaries. Such as outcome of investigation, when he has done courses for rehabilitation etc. Even tho SS have closed the case it should not mean they are not approachable and they should be able to help.

If your ex continues to be difficult he is entitled to try through family courts, you don't need to mention this to him but as a possible heads up.

Distraught

Member since
July 2020

11 posts

Posted Fri February 12, 2021 5:39pmReport post

Thanks for your replies ladies. Dealing with him is exhausting. I've a little help from my family but being in a pandemic makes it difficult. I'm getting counselling to help but I'm just so angry at him all the time. Yes he's my ex as there is nothing left of the person I thought I knew, he's turned into a completely different person.
He will text twice a week to ask how she is and that's it. He's not doing any of the courses but is having private therapy. My SW said that he's refused to work with them and when I've repeated the SS guidance his response has been that he doesn't care what they say. My SW has been pretty hands off and she's left me to deal with him as she said I've got good instincts. Doesn't mean I don't need their help though!

i think I've been more than reasonable but he thinks I'm not. I feel like I'm being pressured into doing what he wants but the fact he's not showing any remorse makes me uncomfortable. He's admitted to everything but he acts like he's not guilty! I feel like I'm going round in circles. I didn't know about the family court thing, thanks for the suggestion.

Edited Fri February 12, 2021 5:41pm