Struggling ( had enough)
Notifications OFF
Really struggling right now..feels like it's never going to end, sick of being judged and questioned and any ideas and plans just feel like they're not enough and being shot down.
Cant take it anymore
Cant take it anymore
Post deleted by user
Annie, I'm relatively new to this horrendous situation we are all in and reading pretty much all the forum posts I can't believe the unbearable pressure the innocent partners face?!. If you stay and support your partner or decide to leave there is ultimately the very damaging stress, anxiety, constant worry about the outcome, isolation ( I've only told my brother on my side of our family), the worry of the sentencing and if it gets in the papers, the financial worry. Ontop of all that you are trying to keep your family running as normal, I have two teenagers and come September one will leave school and start college and the other will embark on the higher level of a college course. I have the constant fear of if when my partner gets sentenced it all getting in the papers and social media and the backlash for me and the kids. It's too much isn't it. I'm 100% supporting my husband so theres all that stress too. I have broken down a lot and even though no one knows outside our family I've started to feel paranoid when I'm out, I know that's irrational but I think we live and breathe it everyday it really takes its toll
Hi sad&worried hi Louise
Ive chosen to stand by ny husband..hes not a bad person,for whatever reason this has happened,hes made a stupid stupid mistake that will be with him for the rest of his life.Ive done everything I've been asked to do by social services,ive cooperated fully,put a family safety plan in place,done a couple of child Protection course's and completed the seen and heard programme( which to my surprise, social workers said they'd never heard of) bought and ready to install,and indoor security camera to cover us at night ( ss are asking do we realise the impact the camera could have on our daughters privacy!! It's for that exact reason I've bought the camera to ensure her privacy and safety should he be allowed home)
Theyve assessed him aswell and asked him some incredibly personal questions which left him feeling close to tears.
Still no closer in deciding if he can return home.After all of the above, it doesn't feel enough or they'll let him home..hes been given unconditional bail which I believe means he's low risk.hes cooperating with probation, they're sending him on a course and for counselling.
Ss just like to dig and dig and dig..We both know that the life we'll have from now on will be different but SS talk to us like we're idiots..our daughter is almost 12 and even she knows things will be different but all she wants is her dad to be home.The stress of it all has driven me to the edge and I cant take it anymore..
Its stressful for you guys aswell and I feel your pain..dreading him going to crown court next week and what the outcome of that will be.weve kept this awful mess to ourselves and only my side of the family knows as my husband feels he cannot trust his side of the family.SS saying what if people find out like when your talking to your neighbours?? Why would we even discuss what's happened with our neighbours? We are very private and keep ourselves to ourselves, just pass the time of day with people.
How much more are any of us meant to be put through
Xxx
Ive chosen to stand by ny husband..hes not a bad person,for whatever reason this has happened,hes made a stupid stupid mistake that will be with him for the rest of his life.Ive done everything I've been asked to do by social services,ive cooperated fully,put a family safety plan in place,done a couple of child Protection course's and completed the seen and heard programme( which to my surprise, social workers said they'd never heard of) bought and ready to install,and indoor security camera to cover us at night ( ss are asking do we realise the impact the camera could have on our daughters privacy!! It's for that exact reason I've bought the camera to ensure her privacy and safety should he be allowed home)
Theyve assessed him aswell and asked him some incredibly personal questions which left him feeling close to tears.
Still no closer in deciding if he can return home.After all of the above, it doesn't feel enough or they'll let him home..hes been given unconditional bail which I believe means he's low risk.hes cooperating with probation, they're sending him on a course and for counselling.
Ss just like to dig and dig and dig..We both know that the life we'll have from now on will be different but SS talk to us like we're idiots..our daughter is almost 12 and even she knows things will be different but all she wants is her dad to be home.The stress of it all has driven me to the edge and I cant take it anymore..
Its stressful for you guys aswell and I feel your pain..dreading him going to crown court next week and what the outcome of that will be.weve kept this awful mess to ourselves and only my side of the family knows as my husband feels he cannot trust his side of the family.SS saying what if people find out like when your talking to your neighbours?? Why would we even discuss what's happened with our neighbours? We are very private and keep ourselves to ourselves, just pass the time of day with people.
How much more are any of us meant to be put through
Xxx
Good morning ladies,
I'm sorry to see that you are all struggling but as a wife, who has supported my husband, I can honestly say that there is light at the end of this very long tunnel!!
My husband's offence happened 3 years ago, I experienced the judgement, loneliness and isolation. He was removed from our family home but after about a year and a half he was allowed to come home. It did come out in the media but hardly anyone contacted us and we have been pretty much left alone. Ss were an absolute pain in the rear end what with their constant accusations and judgement but I stuck with it,did everything they told me to do (apart from leaving him) and ticked all of their boxes. They made me feel like I was the only one who had ever supported their other half.
What I'm trying to say is that you are not alone! We are very strong woman and mothers, and no matter what may come our way,we can get through this!
Xx
I'm sorry to see that you are all struggling but as a wife, who has supported my husband, I can honestly say that there is light at the end of this very long tunnel!!
My husband's offence happened 3 years ago, I experienced the judgement, loneliness and isolation. He was removed from our family home but after about a year and a half he was allowed to come home. It did come out in the media but hardly anyone contacted us and we have been pretty much left alone. Ss were an absolute pain in the rear end what with their constant accusations and judgement but I stuck with it,did everything they told me to do (apart from leaving him) and ticked all of their boxes. They made me feel like I was the only one who had ever supported their other half.
What I'm trying to say is that you are not alone! We are very strong woman and mothers, and no matter what may come our way,we can get through this!
Xx
Annie I am exactly the same as you, I'm fully supporting my husband, I love him so to me it's that simple. We've been together nearly 30 years and up till his we had a happy solid family. Our children our 18 and 16. I don't condone what he's done and I hate this, it's a bomb on our family and I have days where I really really struggle to be strong. On those days I give in. I chill, rest, watch telly ( I got Amazon prime on trial and have watched Downton Abbey from the start!). I have done so much reaserch over the six weeks since the knock and I have gained so much knowledge and support from the lovely ladies on here. I've had a lot on insight into porn addition and I'm understanding why my husband went down this dark dark path.
I feel your stress and pain that you have with SS. Nothing it seems you are doing is proving to them is it?. You must be so desperate and frustrated love. Honestly you are so strong dealing with them. I feel I have it pretty easy at the moment. I'm just waiting on them finishing her first assesment and pretty much told me she'll close our case. To be honest if she didn't I'd be questioning her and taking it further and fighting them. My son is 16 and my daughter 18. I think it must be very hard for Mothers with young children I really do. You are judged on everything and you are the innocent party! There's no consistency across the country is there and I think that's needed. When I first came on here a research paper was recommended to me by Belinda Winder, I found it very very good have you read it? It's about the impact of everything on the partners of offenders. I emailed Belinda at the beginning and then she asked me to take part in another research paper based on the impact on partners on the day of " the knock"
I feel your stress and pain that you have with SS. Nothing it seems you are doing is proving to them is it?. You must be so desperate and frustrated love. Honestly you are so strong dealing with them. I feel I have it pretty easy at the moment. I'm just waiting on them finishing her first assesment and pretty much told me she'll close our case. To be honest if she didn't I'd be questioning her and taking it further and fighting them. My son is 16 and my daughter 18. I think it must be very hard for Mothers with young children I really do. You are judged on everything and you are the innocent party! There's no consistency across the country is there and I think that's needed. When I first came on here a research paper was recommended to me by Belinda Winder, I found it very very good have you read it? It's about the impact of everything on the partners of offenders. I emailed Belinda at the beginning and then she asked me to take part in another research paper based on the impact on partners on the day of " the knock"
Annie you say you've put in all your safety procedures etc, are you on a plan from the SS? Like child in need?. If you've done everything have they confirmed when they will make their final decisions? Or are they waiting for the outcome of court. I've read on here a few times that a child in need plan is voluntary so you could address this with your SW?. You really have done everything you can love! I can't see you doing anything more do they have to be proactive and discuss why they still wouldn't think your husband can't come home?. It's yours and your families life at the end of the day and you need to move forward. They can't force you to split up from your husband, how is that in the best interest of a child who loves their Dad? That will never ever make sense to me in all this.
Annie has your husband already been charged? You say about probation in your post? If not do they get involved before charging and the courts?. If not surely SS only have minimal info from the police before charges and court sentences anyway. Honestly love I think I would keep pushing and pushing the SW for a decision xx
Annie has your husband already been charged? You say about probation in your post? If not do they get involved before charging and the courts?. If not surely SS only have minimal info from the police before charges and court sentences anyway. Honestly love I think I would keep pushing and pushing the SW for a decision xx
Louise hi
Yes he's been charged for being in possession of iioc.hes due in crown court next week for sentencing.I truly believe that SW is waiting for the outcome..I believe she told my husband that a decision will be made by the end of the month.
We have been on a CIN plan since last September.No concerns about my daughter from school,local health authority,or from SW and SS.
Sw has told me they can see that I can protect her and keep her safe.
They Did a risk assessment on hubby yesterday.
Probation rang him after he had been to magistrates court.Theyve done a report over the phone which is now being sent to crown court. Unconditional bail also.
Its pulling us one way then the other.Im so worn out with it all xx
Yes he's been charged for being in possession of iioc.hes due in crown court next week for sentencing.I truly believe that SW is waiting for the outcome..I believe she told my husband that a decision will be made by the end of the month.
We have been on a CIN plan since last September.No concerns about my daughter from school,local health authority,or from SW and SS.
Sw has told me they can see that I can protect her and keep her safe.
They Did a risk assessment on hubby yesterday.
Probation rang him after he had been to magistrates court.Theyve done a report over the phone which is now being sent to crown court. Unconditional bail also.
Its pulling us one way then the other.Im so worn out with it all xx
SW said she needs to be confident that I can keep our daughter safe should the outcome be that they want to close the case and shes said she can see that I can do this xx
Oh Annie, I really feel your stress I really do. Our situation is the same except we are very early in this all. My husband very very remorseful. He's told me he's also downloaded iioc, he's told me everything, porn addiction and he's so upset what he's done. We are on extended three month bail. He has to go back sometime in April to see what happens next so very much in limbo. The oic rang me when they extended the bail, told us to get on with life ( easier said than done!) as these things can take a very long time!.
Post deleted by user
I'm sickened as to how SS can twist things Louise when they're asking you questions like they did when they were asking hubby things yesterday like does he ever m.......te and when he said yes occasionally,oh well your wife doesn't know that because she told us u didn't.. what I actually said was when they asked me if I'd ever woken up and found him doing it next to me I said no but I never at any point said he didn't do it just that I'd never had any reason to believe that he did..and in all fairness, tell me a man who doesn't relief himself, after all its natural is it not?
Have u ever told your wife you've done that? Well no he said and they asked y not? Because I dnt want to hurt her and her thinking she's not enough for me..why are they allowed to twist things? Are they just looking for a reaction and trying to trip u up? But yet u feel that you can't say anything to defend what they're asking and the answers u give for fear of them twisting that..
Ill say my piece when they've come to whatever decision they're going to come to xx
Have u ever told your wife you've done that? Well no he said and they asked y not? Because I dnt want to hurt her and her thinking she's not enough for me..why are they allowed to twist things? Are they just looking for a reaction and trying to trip u up? But yet u feel that you can't say anything to defend what they're asking and the answers u give for fear of them twisting that..
Ill say my piece when they've come to whatever decision they're going to come to xx
And SS implying that he may go to prison when they don't actually know that ,no one knows yet .yes he's been told a suspended sentence and that may well be what he gets ,but until the actual day , no one can say so why is it OK for them to assume the worst??
And this really got my back up, SW said if our daughter wasn't showing her dad affection then she'd be worried but in the next breath she turned round and said if she showed him 2 much affection then it wasn't good..how can you tell a child not to hug their father and not to do it 2 much
I'd like to know if it would do any damage should I request a visit with SW to go over a few of the things that hubby was asked yesterday I dnt like the way things were twisted
Annie what a terrible situation!. I'd be annoyed about her approach and questions to be honest. I actually don't find them very professional so yes if it was me I'd be requesting to speak to her manager. You can keep it very professional yourself and say you need clarification on a few things and tell them beforehand you will be taking notes. I certainly don't understand the relevance of your husband hugging or not hugging your daughter!. If she had her suspicions on his intentions towards your daughter then I feel the questioning should be more professional, she seems to be imparting her personal views. Keep strong love xx
Kirsty, I just saw your reply. Thank you so much for that. It's helped me and I'm sure Annie to see someone who's come through all this horrid time. It just messes with my head how conflicting it all is. SS in my mind are supposed to be there to support the children. But it just feels like all the procedures they want you to put in place are to protect their own backs! At the end of the day we could all throw our husbands/ partners out, have no contact, the children instantly loose their Father and the ss close down their involment! Job done, box ticked! But as we all know we don't want that do we. I love my husband, simple, he loves his children and me simple!. We had a fantastic family life before this bomb landed on us so how do SS think we can suddenly turn off nearly 30 years of a happy family life?!? We can't!
Morning Louise
Sw I believe will be getting in touch shortly to discuss the assessment..believe you me,id love to go above her head and speak to the manager but at this crucial stage I'm scared that it'll do more harm but that said, when SW does get back to us,I will be speaking to her regarding some of the things that were asked..
For instance I bought an indoor security camera so if hubby was allowed home,then it would cover us when I'm asleep.I asked SW if the camera was acceptable and she agreed that it was because she was concerned about how id keep my daughter safe during the night.So then when SW and her colleague went to visit hubby the other day, the other social worker mentioned camera to my hubby and she turned round and said that if it was her getting filmed she'd not like it so how did we expect our daughter to feel?
The purpose of the camera isn't to film our daughter, it's to keep her safe and it isn't even going in her bedroom so how can that be classed as filming her? I told the SW who's been dealing with our case that the camera would be on a shelf outside on a wall opposite the landing so it covered all of the upstairs.i even showed her where it would go.why would i want to film my daughter? And that's what I dnt appreciate being implied by the other one who said it..They are so two faced sometimes it riles me and your made to feel as though you can't say anything because you fear it'll make things worse..
Our SW's colleague seemed to think the camera would be on all day.it wouldn't be,our daughter would be at school for a start and then hubby in bed during the day as he works nights ,he'd only actually be here sleeping 1/2 nights..just feels your damned if you do and dambed if u dnt.Nothing ever seems good enough xx
Sw I believe will be getting in touch shortly to discuss the assessment..believe you me,id love to go above her head and speak to the manager but at this crucial stage I'm scared that it'll do more harm but that said, when SW does get back to us,I will be speaking to her regarding some of the things that were asked..
For instance I bought an indoor security camera so if hubby was allowed home,then it would cover us when I'm asleep.I asked SW if the camera was acceptable and she agreed that it was because she was concerned about how id keep my daughter safe during the night.So then when SW and her colleague went to visit hubby the other day, the other social worker mentioned camera to my hubby and she turned round and said that if it was her getting filmed she'd not like it so how did we expect our daughter to feel?
The purpose of the camera isn't to film our daughter, it's to keep her safe and it isn't even going in her bedroom so how can that be classed as filming her? I told the SW who's been dealing with our case that the camera would be on a shelf outside on a wall opposite the landing so it covered all of the upstairs.i even showed her where it would go.why would i want to film my daughter? And that's what I dnt appreciate being implied by the other one who said it..They are so two faced sometimes it riles me and your made to feel as though you can't say anything because you fear it'll make things worse..
Our SW's colleague seemed to think the camera would be on all day.it wouldn't be,our daughter would be at school for a start and then hubby in bed during the day as he works nights ,he'd only actually be here sleeping 1/2 nights..just feels your damned if you do and dambed if u dnt.Nothing ever seems good enough xx
Where can I find this article by belinda winder?
Not sure where to look
X
Not sure where to look
X
Thanks Lee x
I may come across a bit dumb now but I've found her on twitter but how do I email her from there ?
Great thanks x