Family and Friends Forum

Hi,

I saw your story and just had to reply! My dad was charged with communication, it was an awful time! I found out I was pregnant a month after he had been charged.



Try not to feel like your pregnancy is tainted, I always told my myself pregnancy was the light at the end of this awful tunnel! Which at the time I felt like you also as I was terrified of the unknown! Your little baby will bring joy to whatever happens at the end of the tunnel for both you and your family, that's what my little girl has done! ofcourse you will remember the events that have happened in your pregnancy, but that will make you a stronger person coming out of the other side! I had social services involved towards the end of mine so my dad could have contact, along with gestational diabetes and I caught covid, and I remember thinking how awful it was and how much I just wanted to enjoy being pregnant, but now she's here I barely remember them anxious, sleepless nights as all of my focus is on her, and I see how happy she makes us all!

Do your best to try and relax, I know now the anxiety isn't good for the baby, whether that's through investing all of your time preparing for the baby, or taking up pregnancy yoga, walking or anything! I really did find this forum so much help towards the end of my pregnancy, as I realised there are so many people out there in the same situation and none of them are bad people, and they've all come out the other side stronger, as I'm sure you will to even though it doesn't feel like it now xx

BS, yep it's so easy for men to go down that path unfortunately! My dad was also very remorseful and honest with us, I've never seen anyone carry so much guilt in my life! I think you know deep down when someone is genuinely sorry and deserves forgiveness and help as well!
Lockdown isn't easy to take your mind of things as well! my mum used to do jigsaws on her breaks, and make cakes and things to keep her mind busy as I think she struggled more then she let on! I was a carer so I've worked straight through it all- which I also regretted as I was exhausted by the end so it maybe isn't a bad thing that you give yourself time to rest as your mind and body will be exhausted from growing a mini human and being so anxious! Plus come later pregnancy not only will you most likely be thinking about the case but your natural pregnancy body clock will wake you up from 4! That's when I used to come on here and read advice and stories.

social services will have to be involved if he is being charged (not sure if they do from now? Might be worth asking your midwife? But then they also might be obliged to tell social services if you mention it, and you want him to have contact, it can be a rough road but you just have to be prepared for what they want it hear! That's where this forum came in useful for me; if you scroll through plenty of threads there's loads of advice! What I basically got from it is that you have to be prepared to admit your dad is a risk and that you'll protect your child and cut off contact if you suspect anything is happening. We managed to get supervised contact quite easy, we are now going through a risk assessment so that my mum can have supervised contact alongside my dad instead of me so that I can have childcare, and also so baby can have over night stays with them- we're not likely to get the over night stays just yet but I thought I would test my luck whilst I had a nice social worker! It is worth starting it sooner rather than later, so that your dad can see baby when it's born! As I was one day away from baby coming and me not being able to introduce her to my dad before I'd signed off on all the paperwork!


I'm very lucky in the sense that my employers are amazing, I told them straight away as I knew that the area i lived in it would make the papers, and I work in the community and just wasn't sure what sort of reaction people would have! They supported me the whole way through, didn't judge me once for standing by him- in fact they stood by him as well and once all the other carers found out supported us all as well ask how he is doing on the regular! obviously telling people is entirely up to you, I found telling people straight away before they read the paper helped me get the right true story across before the papers put there spin on it. Im not saying that anything like that would happen to your family and it make the papers, but my dad pleaded guilty straight away due to a breakdown and being suicidal so ours all happened so fast for that reason!
make sure you have a trusting support group around you, if you think someone won't react well to it then don't mention it to that person unless you have to, now is a critical time to be around people who are kind and supportive! It is such a rocky road ahead of you, and it's scary and full of unknowns but just take each day as it comes, there'll be good and bad, it's good and bad days with pregnancy alone never mind having the case on top!xx

Honestly the pedo word is thrown around so easy, you know deep down this isn't the case and as long as you and your family believe that, then that is what matters! I see my dad with her and he is the best grandad, he's the first one to greet us at the door to collect our stuff in, he was the first one to make her smile (very jealous of that one lol), and like you say I never look at him and think he would hurt her and I know that him being a grandad was worth fighting for! There was a moment after I'd had her and I FaceTimed my mum and dad straight away and they were both in tears on the phone looking at her and I knew that she was bringing back the fight and joy in the family that we all needed! And like you Felt like my pregnancy was almost a burden because social services were upsetting us and my dad, I think My boyfriend said he'd never seen my cry so much towards the end but I know now i didn't need to be as worried as what I was! you will feel like that again soon, it's still early days. I'm just a stubborn woman who doesn't want society's beliefs to get the better of me! How is your boyfriend with it all? Is he supportive? Social services sounds scarier then what it is, you just have to have the right balance of going along with what you say, but also not letting them take to long and dont let them make you do things you don't feel comfortable with. If you start it now it'll be an assessment before babys born, and it will have to be done before they arrive so it'll be quicker then when baby has arrived.

my dad was communication with an undercover police officer, he was under the influence of drink at the time we think, he got 18 months suspended sentence; 160 hours community service and a sexual prevention order for 10 years, it all depends on the judge on the day so for example the case before dad on that day got sent to prison but dad didn't, and then we saw a man in the paper who had reoffended on a sexual offence and he only got 5 years order as he didn't get one for his first offence, you can do character references that can help, and it's good that your dad is remorseful, if you prove that he is already getting help this can help as well. But like o say nothing is quite set in stone on what he might get!

I hope all of this makes sense! Juggling a 2 month old who is convinced she's 5 months and would like to sit up by herself now! lol

Hi,

I hope all is well in both of your lives. I came across this post on the forum from a while ago but found it kind of resonated with my situation. My fiancé's dad had knock a couple of years ago. His suspended sentence has now ended but he will remain on the register for 10 years. We are looking to start a family but I'm not sure how things will play out if I get pregnant? We would want our child to have access to his grandad but I understand what this looks like will depend on what his restrictions are. At what stage will SS get involved? Will this be something I have to tell my midwife or will fiancé's dad have to tell police and then that will involve SS? None of my side of family know and I would really like to keep it that way. I especially do not want my parents to know as it would be very distressing for them. Is it possible to keep this from my family if SS get involved?

Hi unsure

It will be the SHPO that will define the restrictions with contact to children. Many offenders have a clause that says no contact with under 16s without parents AND social services permission. Social services may place restrictions like no unsupervised contact bit as your FIL has passed their suspended sentence that night be in their favour. I would say it is possible a relationship could happen, but definitely ask what their restrictions are first.

Also he should have a police liason who manages him. I believe they should be told too and they might be the ones to reach out to SS, but might be best you or your FIL go to SS first