Feeling scared
Notifications OFF
I'm relatively new, only about 6 or 7 weeks since the knock. My husband was arrested and bail extended for downloading iioc. He's incredibly remorseful, upset. Everything. We have gone through so much these last few weeks and I'm 100% supporting him. I've done a huge amount of research about porn addiction and I was understanding why he's done this. I don't condone what he's done but we were working through this horrendous time. Anyway the day of the knock he told his Mum. She's had issues with alcohol all her life and they had an ok relationship but she's caused a lot of drama and heartache through her life. We hadn't told anyone else of his arrest ( I confined in my brother, we are very close and he's a huge support, won't be telling my Mum. I have a great relationship just can't tell her). Anyway husbands Mum decided his Dad " had a right to know"!!! They divorced when husband was tiny. My husband was telling his Father when we were ready ( they have a close relationship and we wanted it to be the right time to tell him and from my husband) . Now other family members know on my husbands step mums side!. I feel very scared, trapped and very very anxious. I'm a mess, I now don't want to leave the house. We were coping but now I feel like day one again. They panicked and thought it would be in the paper??!!. My husband explained it could take months and months till it got to court and even then it may not be in the paper. Also we had taken steps to minimise this. So basically no one needed to know. I have all the thoughts through my head of people finding out, not knowing the details and thinking the worst. They won't know how my husband has got addicted to porn, the dark path he's taken and the things we are doing to help him. All they will think is the " P" word. I'm so scared, I feel betrayed as we told his Mum to not tell anyone. I know my husband has done a terrible thing but we were dealing with it privately. I feel it's all out of my control and I haven't done anything wrong but I feel I'll be judged now as I'm supporting him. I'm so worried I just want to hide
Thank you so much Lee. His Dad and step Mum know. Then his step Mum panicked and was worried so told both her daughters. She was really really sorry and 100% promised me it will go no further, she promised me her daughters won't discuss it with anyone but I have that fear. You know the fear that you can't control other people can you. No one needed to know, it potentially could be months or longer before it even gets to court. I'm so so mad with his Mum for telling his Dad. Yes he had a right to know but we were preparing for this, we aren't blimmin naive teenagers fgs! I'm nearly 50!. Im mad with my husbands step mum for also not getting details off me before discussing with her own daughters. I mean why would she need to tell them?!. I haven't told my Mum. Not because I think she will judge or not support me, far from it. I just didn't want anyone to know. Also my step Mums fear of it getting public is unfounded. She isn't married to my father in law. The likelihood of if it did get in the papers wouldnt connect her or her side of the family to my husband. I'm just so distraught. I was dealing with it all, I was coping and getting stronger. Helping my husband abs he was taking positive action to help himself. He's going round to his Dads tonight to beg his step mum to really emphasise the daughters musnt talk to anyone. She was very very sorry to me last night on the phone, I was a mess and she's seen her actions were in haste but my god what a stupid thing to do!!. I'm so paranoid now to go out. I feel like the day it happened and I was doing well
Sorry I should add I say my husband but we aren't married! Sorry I just find it easier to say husband does that make sense. My kids have his second name but I don't. I'm going to get the kids to change their second names on social media, something daft like teenagers do so it doesn't draw attention. My husband has deleted all social media and I've changed my settings to all just me. I'm totally hidden on there and I will deactivate it soon. Thank you so much for helping me Lee. I feel horrible today xx
Louise I came off social media for that same reason..ive deactivated it aswell..havent been on it for a long time and don't care if I never go near it again..
We've also kept it close to our chest and told no one except those that need to know and those are the ones we truly trust.been nearly 2 years now and we've kept it to ourselves and those that know have done the same because the way I see it, its our business and no one else's and that's the way it'll always be.we tell no one anything, keep ourselves to ourselves.
Not being funny,but its not something that any of us want to broadcast is it ?
We've also kept it close to our chest and told no one except those that need to know and those are the ones we truly trust.been nearly 2 years now and we've kept it to ourselves and those that know have done the same because the way I see it, its our business and no one else's and that's the way it'll always be.we tell no one anything, keep ourselves to ourselves.
Not being funny,but its not something that any of us want to broadcast is it ?
I was screaming and shouting at his Mum the other day as she started the ball rolling by telling his Dad!I told her I never want her in mine or my husbands life now. I then said if she told my mum because she may think " it's for the best too" I will cut all ties with her and my children. I know that's very harsh but I'm that mad at what she's done ( she was drunk, she's an alcoholic). I know it's incredibly hard for her too as it's her son, but I've managed to keep it all contained. Yes I've told my brother but that was my choice through careful consideration and I trust my brother with my life. I only have my Mum and brother. my Dad died a few years ago, all this is bringing back my grief too, I miss my Dad terribly and I know I could of told him and get his support, I can tell my Mum one day just when I choose like I chose to get my brothers support because we are close and he is 100% supportive and wants to look after me, even if he's my younger brother eh!. I'm going to filter through my friends and photos on Facebook. The privacy is set to " only me" anyway so no one can see anything but I'll get the kids to do the same. God this is horrible just horrible. I can't stop crying today and it's not even 9am!. My Mum thankfully isn't on any social media. In fact she's such a technophobe she doesn't haven't internet or an iPhone or any smart phone actually! Maybe a godsend right now
Hi Louise
What an absolute betrayal. Some people thrive off gossip without a second thought to what the damage could be to you and your husband. I'm really sorry that's happened to you.
Not that I condone this behaviour because I dispise it but at least it's out now there won't be any shocks just in case it hits the media. But I hope to God for your sake it doesn't.
Iv recently come to the end of this journey and i found out people I worked with were gossiping about me. He was splashed all over the Internet and papers something I prayed every night for not to happen. I was broken hearted and ashamed.
I confronted the bloody lot of them and told them all to have a bit of consideration for my feelings when you decide to discuss this amongst yourselves put yourselves in my shoes I didn't tell a soul throughout the whole journey. I told them I wasn't prepared to discuss it. The people I love and trust now know and that was my choice at the end to talk about it.
I really don't blame you for cutting them off. They don't deserve to know you. You don't want that type of person in your life.
Really hope your okay. You've needed that like a hole in the head haven't you love? One thing about this journey your skin gets thicker and you will become stronger. I promise you that x
What an absolute betrayal. Some people thrive off gossip without a second thought to what the damage could be to you and your husband. I'm really sorry that's happened to you.
Not that I condone this behaviour because I dispise it but at least it's out now there won't be any shocks just in case it hits the media. But I hope to God for your sake it doesn't.
Iv recently come to the end of this journey and i found out people I worked with were gossiping about me. He was splashed all over the Internet and papers something I prayed every night for not to happen. I was broken hearted and ashamed.
I confronted the bloody lot of them and told them all to have a bit of consideration for my feelings when you decide to discuss this amongst yourselves put yourselves in my shoes I didn't tell a soul throughout the whole journey. I told them I wasn't prepared to discuss it. The people I love and trust now know and that was my choice at the end to talk about it.
I really don't blame you for cutting them off. They don't deserve to know you. You don't want that type of person in your life.
Really hope your okay. You've needed that like a hole in the head haven't you love? One thing about this journey your skin gets thicker and you will become stronger. I promise you that x
Yazznan thank you so much for your lovely support. I've just got back from a big ramble across the fields with my dog. It's very windy here but it did calm my mind. Like you say people thrive on gossip and this is what I feared from the very day it happened. If I had no children right now I would sell my house and move away with my husband. I know if more people find out they will think I'm mad staying with him. The thing is I love him, he's my soulmate and I can't change that overnight and I don't want to,but people will judge me won't they. I'm so scared of that right now. People won't know the details of how he got into this horrendous sitution they will just decide he's a monster and by me supporting him and wanting my life back I'm somehow accepting what he's done is right?. I'm not I'm really not ( I know you all understand). I live in a fairly big town but it's one where everyone knows everyone, one of those towns where everyone loves a drama and a gossip. The sort of town you see on Facebook with groups like This is.... and people jump on stories like sheep and the usual " hang em" or " bring back the death penalty for them" when they post stories about sex offenders. I think over the next few days I'm going to retreat and take care of me. I feel so horrible and tired. I will potter in my house and carry on doing my lounge ( decorated ages ago and I'm creating a gallery wall!, I love art it's one of my passions!). I have another week on furlough next week so I'm relieved actually. I haven't got the energy to work. God it's such a mess
Louise this is horrible. I'm so sorry this has happened as you have been so strong and determined and I've admired how you have been handling this situation. Its a huge worry when people find out but I hope that over the coming days some damage control can be done by your husband to keep it to those who now know and you can start to feel better again.
Can I ask what have you done to help limit media attention and potential links to your husband? I'm trying to think of what steps I can take myself. Should he change his name? And when?
Stay strong you've been a real fighter so far don't let thoughtless people bring you down x
Can I ask what have you done to help limit media attention and potential links to your husband? I'm trying to think of what steps I can take myself. Should he change his name? And when?
Stay strong you've been a real fighter so far don't let thoughtless people bring you down x
Saphire love, thank you so much. Right here goes! So far my husband has deleted all his social media accounts, Facebook, Instagram, what's app ( think that's connected to Facebook?). I've gone through all my Facebook privacy settings and changed them to " only me" so basically no one sees if I post anything. I've started to limit my time on there and I'll deactivate it when I'm ready. I've gone through all my photo albums and changed them to " only me" settings and I'm going to filter through my friends. Deleting non friend friends ( you know the sort, kind of people you meet through life but don't really know or connect with). My friends list is also private and I've changed it so no one can tag me in anything. Basically I've made myself invisible on there now but I will deactivate soon. I just don't want to draw attention all at once if that makes sense. I'll be getting my kids to deactivate Facebook too and right now get them to change their settings and names ( something daft and cool like teenagers do!) again not to draw attention. The thing with my kids is they use Snapchat and Instagram more and tik tok. Closer to the time my husband ends up in court I've seen someone post on here they stayed in a hotel the day before the plea hearing and that was the address used, not sure if you can do that I dunno. We will also hide in a toilet in the court to avoid any potential reporters but I think you said Lee somewhere the police can still send a mugshot of our partners to the press, but if your partner deletes all social media it will be harder for press to get a photo, my husband put hardly anything on Facebook before he deleted it and I'll filter my photos. We aren't actually married just easier to say my husband! So our names are different. Hope that helps love. I'm going to have a few days rest from it all and start up again with the support for my husband next week. He's working through them modules and I want to help him. This situation with his family needs containing as they need to see if it spreads they could cause real danger to me,my husband and my children and how is that " in the best interest" as my stupid mother in law said was her reason to tell my husbands dad in the first place!. He's spoke to her today ( she's had a drink, not helping the situation eh!) and she says why isn't he facing his actions??! I'm like wtf! I think being arrested pretty much is facing his actions! And him being remorseful and doing things to address it is facing just that! I'm so angry with her. We've decided like Lee advised to now not tell anyone any developments. It's been proved that my worries at the start are true. People love a drama, gossip in situations like this make it a lot lot worse and he's not even been charged yet!
Ill say this Louise if the police send a mugshot of my hubby out ill be looking into some legal advice if they do that..why as u say would they need to? How does it benefit anybody? Do they not realise if thats what they do that there are those with families and children?
I hope ours doesn't hit the media and we've been assured it won't because I know whats happened with my hubby is serious, but its not big time media news..compared to some, hes a nobody so why would it benefit for it to be put in the media..we've spoken several times to our solicitor about it getting out and shes adamant because of covid , no one but no one will be allowed in .doesnt help when SS plant it in your mind that it will get out
I hope ours doesn't hit the media and we've been assured it won't because I know whats happened with my hubby is serious, but its not big time media news..compared to some, hes a nobody so why would it benefit for it to be put in the media..we've spoken several times to our solicitor about it getting out and shes adamant because of covid , no one but no one will be allowed in .doesnt help when SS plant it in your mind that it will get out
Lee thank you so much, I really want you to know when I see you've sent me a reply I feel much better so thank you. You are a great support to so many women on here, you all are. Lee I can well imagine people sending you messages!, people love the drama don't they, do you have friends that stuck by you?.I do think right now the social media deleting is the best approach. I think starting now is best as like you say it can be a long time before getting to court and when the time comes no one will notice I'm not on social media. My phone number changed recently and hardly anyone knows it, only very immediate family and work colleagues but that's manageable. I know the police have a photo of my husband. One of the police left a file open on my table on the day of the knock and I saw his photo. It looked like one from his driving licence. I'm going to sit now and watch Downton Abbey ( my boring hobby!) I feel exhausted today but I always feel calmer when I talk to you ladies on here
Hi ladies
I understand I went the other way in moment of the knock on the door and trauma I rang everyone I know screaming and crying telling them everything my partner first was facing grooming charges and then changed and as times gone by its now independent messages and I wish I had been calmer and maybe not reach out to who I have cause then people are like no smoke without fire and I get that the c4 document has then cause people I know to be like well he sent the messages he wants that I don't know how u can forgive cause I would not. I got to a point now that I just think well u don't know what u would do in my shoes cause I was the liked of person that would say I am gone and would not listen to him,, all the horrible things people say but that's cause of fear of the unknown,, lack of understanding and factors that can lead someone here,, big hugs to all xxx
Protection for child from abuse starts with understand why they have got to where they are,, not just putting a label on them and leaving them to this is not the answer and not to make familys or partners feel bad for wanting for help the individual change x x
I understand I went the other way in moment of the knock on the door and trauma I rang everyone I know screaming and crying telling them everything my partner first was facing grooming charges and then changed and as times gone by its now independent messages and I wish I had been calmer and maybe not reach out to who I have cause then people are like no smoke without fire and I get that the c4 document has then cause people I know to be like well he sent the messages he wants that I don't know how u can forgive cause I would not. I got to a point now that I just think well u don't know what u would do in my shoes cause I was the liked of person that would say I am gone and would not listen to him,, all the horrible things people say but that's cause of fear of the unknown,, lack of understanding and factors that can lead someone here,, big hugs to all xxx
Protection for child from abuse starts with understand why they have got to where they are,, not just putting a label on them and leaving them to this is not the answer and not to make familys or partners feel bad for wanting for help the individual change x x
Hi ladies,
My husband's offence was 3 years ago and can honestly say I felt exactly the same.
My husband's mum decided to go and tell all of our families so I completely understand the feeling of betrayal.... My husband's brother in law also went and put it on Facebook after he had had an argument with his wife (my husband's sister) My own sister even tried to hurt me by sending the news article to my friends on Facebook!! As you can gather, we don't talk to any of them. My mum and middle sister have both supported us which is a bonus.
So many people can be toxic when they don't understand and that is partly the problem. Too many people are ready to jump on you for supporting the people we love but not actually taking the time to understand and listen to how they got to where they are!!!
I get so frustrated with the 'p' finding people!! Reading people's perceptions of this crime/mental illness is just so wrong! As I said to the ''man" who assessed me with regards to if I can protect my children, someone doesn't just wake up in the morning and murder someone, so many things would have led up to this point!
With regards to social media, both my husband and I didn't deactivate our accounts. We just stepped back a bit whilst things were being investigated and sentenced. People eventually become bored and will soon find something else to gossip about.
Keep strong ladies,
There is light at the end of this tunnel xx
My husband's offence was 3 years ago and can honestly say I felt exactly the same.
My husband's mum decided to go and tell all of our families so I completely understand the feeling of betrayal.... My husband's brother in law also went and put it on Facebook after he had had an argument with his wife (my husband's sister) My own sister even tried to hurt me by sending the news article to my friends on Facebook!! As you can gather, we don't talk to any of them. My mum and middle sister have both supported us which is a bonus.
So many people can be toxic when they don't understand and that is partly the problem. Too many people are ready to jump on you for supporting the people we love but not actually taking the time to understand and listen to how they got to where they are!!!
I get so frustrated with the 'p' finding people!! Reading people's perceptions of this crime/mental illness is just so wrong! As I said to the ''man" who assessed me with regards to if I can protect my children, someone doesn't just wake up in the morning and murder someone, so many things would have led up to this point!
With regards to social media, both my husband and I didn't deactivate our accounts. We just stepped back a bit whilst things were being investigated and sentenced. People eventually become bored and will soon find something else to gossip about.
Keep strong ladies,
There is light at the end of this tunnel xx
I don't want to lose my social media at the moment as its one of my only escapes on an evening to aimlessly scroll and catch up on life of those I can't see due to lockdown. I will make my albums private if he gets charged and he will delete all of his. I will ask my family who know which is basically my mum to remove photos of us from her social media. He has Facebook which he rarely used but I tagged us in loads of photos so they show up on his page. He doesn't use any other social media platform. I think we might take a risk on the booking a hotel the night before, his current address already isn't my address anyway but I think he would like to continue living there if he needed to as he has settled and the other people he shares with are friendly. But he might have to consider temporarily moving to his own place in case negative attention is brought to the address he is at now. Doesn't seem fair on those he's sharing with. His name on his birth certificate is different from the name he is known as, he has a different first name. So I might push for him to ask for it all to be done in his birth certificate name and hope they don't mention his name he currently uses. Then he could change his name for his own protection I guess. Changing my name - I'll just revert back to my name before marriage. I am not going to rush to change the kids names. The thing is everyone knows us we've been together for so long so to me changing a name changes what your write on paper everyone will know who he is and who I am and who our kids are as our circles are huge locally. We both have links to family and friends in several parts of the UK too. One of my friends shares regularly those vigilante groups and I very vocal I dread her finding out incase she puts my address up. But at the moment only my mum and dad know, no one else.
Louise I really feel for you. This is the scary bit and people are so stupid and careless they just can't see beyond their opinions and have some empathy for you or your children. I really hope it is contained and you get back on track with that incredible strength you've shown so far.
Lee would asking the police not to share a picture have any weight? Would they listen? The investigating officer seems to be reasonable with me although gives minimal information to me but he seems to be nice could I appeal to him and say my job, my house my safety is at risk of they shared a mugshot and go with the best disguise we can throw together and hide in the loo approach at the courts?
Louise I really feel for you. This is the scary bit and people are so stupid and careless they just can't see beyond their opinions and have some empathy for you or your children. I really hope it is contained and you get back on track with that incredible strength you've shown so far.
Lee would asking the police not to share a picture have any weight? Would they listen? The investigating officer seems to be reasonable with me although gives minimal information to me but he seems to be nice could I appeal to him and say my job, my house my safety is at risk of they shared a mugshot and go with the best disguise we can throw together and hide in the loo approach at the courts?
Thank you Lee. I will leave my social media for now. We can talk about the name change. He is a lodger at a retired married couples house, they posted a room to rent and he took it. So there's no one in a risky age category. Obviously if they were informed post court case they may wish for him to move on so maybe he would need to have something in place already - but then the next place would be informed too wouldn't they? He's using this accommodation because he can't afford his own place to house shares are realistically going to be his only option I think. He doesn't work with children or in a job that brings him into any contact with any children - what are the chances of him losing his job? He's keeping the roof over our heads at the moment. I know I'm doing exactly what you said not to do and thinking and thinking it's so hard to stop.
Thanks Lee. I will ask him to check his contract if he can find it he has been working there for many many years now so I don't even know if he will remember where it is. But I'm sure he can get a copy of it.
I know I need to wait until there's some charges made and then I need to think about most of these things. I remember on the day it happened I assumed one of the female officers would be staying as like a family support person. When they said they had finished and would be leaving I couldn't believe it, a leaflet and a ring someone you trust as advice and they're gone and your world is upside down. I am grateful to see people like me on here. Its good to know I'm not on my own and the only one. I think I'll take a break from posting for the weekend.
I know I need to wait until there's some charges made and then I need to think about most of these things. I remember on the day it happened I assumed one of the female officers would be staying as like a family support person. When they said they had finished and would be leaving I couldn't believe it, a leaflet and a ring someone you trust as advice and they're gone and your world is upside down. I am grateful to see people like me on here. Its good to know I'm not on my own and the only one. I think I'll take a break from posting for the weekend.
Saphire, Lee is right, we are at the start of this horrendous journey and if I hadn't had all this drama with family finding out I was actually ok. I'd calmed down a bit and started to feel positive. We've decided not to speak to my husbands Mum while she's in an alcoholic episode ( it's just not worth it and things escalate even more). As for his Dad he said he wishes he'd told him straightaway and it would of been between just him and my husband ( hindsight a wonderful thing eh!). Things have calmed down again here and it's a weekend of chores today and big dog walk tomorrow, husbands off all weekend so that's good. His job is full time and totally safe. His boss knows what's happened and is supporting him and will write a reference. The only risk is if it got public after sentencing and if effected his business ( very small company) but we will have to cross that bridge at the time. My husband lives here so our situation is a bit different and I do feel for all you women juggling if your partners aren't home. Like Lee says the forum is brilliant and all consuming so I'm gonna try and just hide my phone or actually turn it off for the weekend! Could be quite liberating actually! Xx