Dealing with the aftermath
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11 weeks 3 day since to knock where my life changed forever.
My partner woke me up to tell me the police were in the house due to IIOC. My partner of 15yrs sat there and said nothing whilst myself and 18yr old daughter defended him convinced it was a terrible mistake. It was not until that evening that he confessed to downloading images and videos- knowing that the video that alerted the police was younger which he said he deleted immediately when he realised. He stated he had looked at teens and pre teens - no contact or chat rooms.
There was a terrible atmosphere in the house the next couple days, but I felt with support it was worth tring to save the relationship - address the addiction. At that point he told me he had been spying on my daughter. He could of told me on the thursday. I asked him to leave, which he did and then he took his own life in a very violent way.
My post is that I still keep reliving those days before he died. I am unable to look at myself in the mirror- am so greatful its winter where I can wear jeans and jumpers - dread the summer of shorts etc. The thought of going to a beach....... there are images everywhere which are a constant reminder of what he has done. Anxiety at a high, confidence at a low. Feel unable to support my daughter. Feel like I have lost him several times over. I am no longer happy ( another loss for my daughter).
In a long winded way how do you deal with day to day living and images that surround us, how do you like yourself ( I feel he wadnt interested in the 55 yr old me). The punishment for his crimes goes on - he opted out!
I have counselling, call support lines. I bounce all over the place, disgusted by him, angry, lost, bereft, why??? How do you live with this-?
My partner woke me up to tell me the police were in the house due to IIOC. My partner of 15yrs sat there and said nothing whilst myself and 18yr old daughter defended him convinced it was a terrible mistake. It was not until that evening that he confessed to downloading images and videos- knowing that the video that alerted the police was younger which he said he deleted immediately when he realised. He stated he had looked at teens and pre teens - no contact or chat rooms.
There was a terrible atmosphere in the house the next couple days, but I felt with support it was worth tring to save the relationship - address the addiction. At that point he told me he had been spying on my daughter. He could of told me on the thursday. I asked him to leave, which he did and then he took his own life in a very violent way.
My post is that I still keep reliving those days before he died. I am unable to look at myself in the mirror- am so greatful its winter where I can wear jeans and jumpers - dread the summer of shorts etc. The thought of going to a beach....... there are images everywhere which are a constant reminder of what he has done. Anxiety at a high, confidence at a low. Feel unable to support my daughter. Feel like I have lost him several times over. I am no longer happy ( another loss for my daughter).
In a long winded way how do you deal with day to day living and images that surround us, how do you like yourself ( I feel he wadnt interested in the 55 yr old me). The punishment for his crimes goes on - he opted out!
I have counselling, call support lines. I bounce all over the place, disgusted by him, angry, lost, bereft, why??? How do you live with this-?
Hi Fiona
I don't have any words that will make what you've been through better but I didn't want to read and run. I am the mother of an offender who communicated with someone underage so very different from your situation. I know what I've been through from my sons arrest to him going to prison to him coming home soon. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with but I honestly feel it's nothing compared to your post I've just read.
All I can say is it's not your fault. Your ex made bad choices and has paid a high price for his actions. He chose to spy on your daughter for reasons known only to him. It's so very sad that you and your daughter are now left to pick up the pieces after his passing. I cannot imagine for one minute the hurt, devastation, frustration, confusion, sadness and anger you are going through.
There is another lady on here who's partner admitted to spying on her daughter. I hope she sees your post and gives you a reply as she will know to a big degree how your feeling. In the meantime, please remember that none of this is you or your daughters fault. Sadly the fault lies with your ex. I hope he at least gave you some indication as to what led him down the route he decided to take.
im sure you will get more replies from ladies more experienced than me. Please keep using the forum for support as it really does help . Take care for now x
I don't have any words that will make what you've been through better but I didn't want to read and run. I am the mother of an offender who communicated with someone underage so very different from your situation. I know what I've been through from my sons arrest to him going to prison to him coming home soon. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with but I honestly feel it's nothing compared to your post I've just read.
All I can say is it's not your fault. Your ex made bad choices and has paid a high price for his actions. He chose to spy on your daughter for reasons known only to him. It's so very sad that you and your daughter are now left to pick up the pieces after his passing. I cannot imagine for one minute the hurt, devastation, frustration, confusion, sadness and anger you are going through.
There is another lady on here who's partner admitted to spying on her daughter. I hope she sees your post and gives you a reply as she will know to a big degree how your feeling. In the meantime, please remember that none of this is you or your daughters fault. Sadly the fault lies with your ex. I hope he at least gave you some indication as to what led him down the route he decided to take.
im sure you will get more replies from ladies more experienced than me. Please keep using the forum for support as it really does help . Take care for now x
Hello.
Firstly I must echo what has already been written - none of this was your fault and you certainly don't deserve to be in this horrendous position. My circumstances are different from yours so I can't speak from exact experience, however, perhaps speaking to your GP would be a good step, if you haven't already. It's very, very easy in these situations for partners/family members to suffer from poor mental health. Going through so many emotions on a daily basis is exhausting and you want to avoid a breakdown. I felt sick when I had to explain my situation to my Doctor but whatever is said is confidential and I was given anti depressants to go along with my counselling.
There is no easy answer here about moving on and learning to live with what happened. It is possible though. Hang in there with your daughter and get as much help as you need.
Sending you love and hope.
May-Baby
Firstly I must echo what has already been written - none of this was your fault and you certainly don't deserve to be in this horrendous position. My circumstances are different from yours so I can't speak from exact experience, however, perhaps speaking to your GP would be a good step, if you haven't already. It's very, very easy in these situations for partners/family members to suffer from poor mental health. Going through so many emotions on a daily basis is exhausting and you want to avoid a breakdown. I felt sick when I had to explain my situation to my Doctor but whatever is said is confidential and I was given anti depressants to go along with my counselling.
There is no easy answer here about moving on and learning to live with what happened. It is possible though. Hang in there with your daughter and get as much help as you need.
Sending you love and hope.
May-Baby