I stayed with my partner after he looked at child porn
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It's 20 years since then and I've struggled to handle the guilt and shame that I stayed with him even though he lied and I tried to help him. I left him after two years and he was assessed via the courts with regards to seeing the children.
I'm just starting therapy to address how this has affected me over the years, including developing intrusive thoughts that I was a paedophile and wanted to abuse my children.
I always wanted to speak to another woman who has been in a similar situation and how they handled the guilt, shame and confusion.
I hope someone can relate.
I'm just starting therapy to address how this has affected me over the years, including developing intrusive thoughts that I was a paedophile and wanted to abuse my children.
I always wanted to speak to another woman who has been in a similar situation and how they handled the guilt, shame and confusion.
I hope someone can relate.
Please can someone say something. Maybe my heading is wrong, I don't know, but after the anxiety of posting and no-one answering I feel awful and still alone.
Hi Susan. you are not alone. I have been on this forum for about 4 weeks. At first i did not get any replies. I think the first post takes a while as it has to be checked. After that they appear straight away. Trouble is they are then further down the feed and not everyone sees them.
The knock came for me 10 months ago and blew my world apart. I thought I had a good, happy, loving marriage, but it turns out I was wrong. I tried to save my marriage but we split up 12 weeks later as I was so angry with the way he had blown our world apart and would not take any responsibility for it. Does anyone really know anyone? It turns out most of what he told me over the 10 years we were together was lie after lie.
I am glad i did not throw him out on the day it happened or I would have felt guilty and always wondered if I had done the right thing.
You on the other hand feel guilty for supporting him in the beginning. We can not do anything to change decisions we made in the past, but we can put it behind us and look forward to the future. You did what you thought was right at the time.
Its seems to me most people on this forum have decided to stay with their partners and work things out. I admire them for doing that. Most will be glad they did, but some may regret it later on like you do.
If only we all had crystal balls and could look into the future.
take care
The knock came for me 10 months ago and blew my world apart. I thought I had a good, happy, loving marriage, but it turns out I was wrong. I tried to save my marriage but we split up 12 weeks later as I was so angry with the way he had blown our world apart and would not take any responsibility for it. Does anyone really know anyone? It turns out most of what he told me over the 10 years we were together was lie after lie.
I am glad i did not throw him out on the day it happened or I would have felt guilty and always wondered if I had done the right thing.
You on the other hand feel guilty for supporting him in the beginning. We can not do anything to change decisions we made in the past, but we can put it behind us and look forward to the future. You did what you thought was right at the time.
Its seems to me most people on this forum have decided to stay with their partners and work things out. I admire them for doing that. Most will be glad they did, but some may regret it later on like you do.
If only we all had crystal balls and could look into the future.
take care
Hi Susan,
I am sorry you didn't get a reply straight away.
I admire your courage in speaking about intrusive thoughts as I'm sure many would find it hard to verbalise that. I think it's great you are seeking therapy with all of this and I really hope they can help you work through everything. I am only two weeks in to all of this but am also seeking therapy too.
I don't think you should regret what you did. You made the bravest decision to stay with him and then another brave decision in leaving him. Don't ever question yourself over that, as you did nothing wrong and what was tight for you at the time. As someone on the helpline said to me, it just shows what a compassionate and loving person you are that you tried your best to stick by his side and still think of him in all of this, even after what happened.
And please don't think you are a bad person either as you are not defined by the actions of the person you loved. You did the best you could in an awful situation and I imagine the thoughts you have had since are a very common reaction too.
I hope you are ok xx
I am sorry you didn't get a reply straight away.
I admire your courage in speaking about intrusive thoughts as I'm sure many would find it hard to verbalise that. I think it's great you are seeking therapy with all of this and I really hope they can help you work through everything. I am only two weeks in to all of this but am also seeking therapy too.
I don't think you should regret what you did. You made the bravest decision to stay with him and then another brave decision in leaving him. Don't ever question yourself over that, as you did nothing wrong and what was tight for you at the time. As someone on the helpline said to me, it just shows what a compassionate and loving person you are that you tried your best to stick by his side and still think of him in all of this, even after what happened.
And please don't think you are a bad person either as you are not defined by the actions of the person you loved. You did the best you could in an awful situation and I imagine the thoughts you have had since are a very common reaction too.
I hope you are ok xx
Hi Susan,
My auntie went through a similar situation. She found iioc on my ex uncle' s computer. I was an older teen when this was revealed to me so I don't have the full details of how my auntie dealt with it. All I know is she made him seek help and he promised he would change.
A year or two later she found out he went back to offending and broke it off with him. I dont know whether she ever reported him. The sad reality is I think she felt like she couldn't. She worked with children including safeguarding, I havent asked her but I suspect she feels guilty that she didn't spot she had an offender in the house.
My auntie thought she was doing the right thing by staying by his side at first. She has good faith in rehabilitation services and believes all addictions can be conquered- but the person needs to want it and work on it. Unfortunately my ex uncle just blamed his past and family issues, rather than taking full accountability.
My auntie went through a similar situation. She found iioc on my ex uncle' s computer. I was an older teen when this was revealed to me so I don't have the full details of how my auntie dealt with it. All I know is she made him seek help and he promised he would change.
A year or two later she found out he went back to offending and broke it off with him. I dont know whether she ever reported him. The sad reality is I think she felt like she couldn't. She worked with children including safeguarding, I havent asked her but I suspect she feels guilty that she didn't spot she had an offender in the house.
My auntie thought she was doing the right thing by staying by his side at first. She has good faith in rehabilitation services and believes all addictions can be conquered- but the person needs to want it and work on it. Unfortunately my ex uncle just blamed his past and family issues, rather than taking full accountability.
Hi Susan,
I feel we are all in the same situation just very small differences between each journey, for me mine is very new having only been 2 days since the knock and it’s a whirlwind of emotions and not sure what is coming.
It’s so sad to see that you are still feeling the guilt after so long but like other people have said you are so brave for speaking out and seeking therapy as this must be so incredible hard for you to be dealing with them thoughts! There is no right or wrong way to feel about everything.
There seems to be a lot of good support on this page so definitely keep coming back.
Hope your doing okay since you posted.
I feel we are all in the same situation just very small differences between each journey, for me mine is very new having only been 2 days since the knock and it’s a whirlwind of emotions and not sure what is coming.
It’s so sad to see that you are still feeling the guilt after so long but like other people have said you are so brave for speaking out and seeking therapy as this must be so incredible hard for you to be dealing with them thoughts! There is no right or wrong way to feel about everything.
There seems to be a lot of good support on this page so definitely keep coming back.
Hope your doing okay since you posted.
hi susan I am 4 years into this my ex has served his sentence(9 months custodial)from the start he has taken full responsibility for his actions and is full of remorse he has sought help and seems to be on the right path now .I totally get where your coming from my happy little life in pieces the guilt shame memories still haven't left me mainly because people won't let me forget I have changed jobs 4 times in 4 years because people found out which started to make me anxious I know I have done nothing wrong but always feel I have .I had to leave my home /job lost my 2 friends I am most definitely not the same person I used to be I feel like I'm always on my guard and that gives people the wrong impression of me.I really believe this will be with me forever as much as I want it to go away I know longer listen to people who tell me to get over it because this was my life my security my dreams x
Thank you so much for responding....I definitely feel better to be heard by people who understand however horrible that is that we've actually experienced this and yes I do feel like my dreams were ruined and need to move on from that. The guilt I feel is all over the place. Guilt for staying. Guilt for contacting the police eventually and me feeling like I ruined his life!!!! Guilt and shame that I'm holding a secret from my children about their dad and myself....what would they think of me....not just what would they think of him. Not knowing what to do in the future when they have children....I feel they should know but don't want to shatter their lives either. After he was risk assessed and admitted to looking at worse things that what I'd caught him looking he was ultimately deemed as low risk and allowed to see them...(he also admitted if I hadn't of stopped him he doesn't know how far he would have gone)....this was very gradual but when it came to them sleeping over at his house I was a nervous wreck! I have tried to be friendly with him and we've let him into our house because we wanted the children to feel comfortable but I have so many questions and all these horrible feeling s of guilt and shame. Im really hoping therapy is going to help. It is through Stop So. As the last person said it has affected me at work and my imagination runs wild with....what do people think of me? do they know? have rumours been twisted? It is a heavy weight that I wish I didn't have to carry. People don't understand, so I am glad to have finally found people who do understand. I wish this had never happened ????
Hi Susan,
I have also had intrusive thoughts and nightmares about these type of images, following finding images of young girls on my boyfriends phone. I have nobody to talk to about it, I had a therapist who I spoke to but I am not able to speak to her anymore and I don't have the energy to tell another therapist.
I am still friends with him, he has told his parents, has had help and showed remorse. I just feel so angry that people around me prioritised him being looked after and I'm the one that has been left with my mental health destroyed.
I have also had intrusive thoughts and nightmares about these type of images, following finding images of young girls on my boyfriends phone. I have nobody to talk to about it, I had a therapist who I spoke to but I am not able to speak to her anymore and I don't have the energy to tell another therapist.
I am still friends with him, he has told his parents, has had help and showed remorse. I just feel so angry that people around me prioritised him being looked after and I'm the one that has been left with my mental health destroyed.
Absolutely. I think people thought I should just get over it! No-one understands the trauma that comes from it. I feel my memories of my children are so tarnished by the actual crime and then my intrusive thoughts. Learning to accept 'it is what it is' has been hard and I only think that's possible now I've found this group and have started therapy with a person who has knowledge of this crime. Previous therapy didn't really work. I found someone through stop so who LFF recommended if you felt able enough to take that step when you're ready.
hi Susan I've been with my partner just over 3 years for something he done before we met (months before) when I found out about it I asked and he lied about it all saying they were everyday pics of his then partners niece and nephew.he had multiple devices and I've now only weeks aha I found out he was looking at this stuff just after he split with his then wife which was at the point when I met him over 10 years..my life has been ripped apart I had to walk away from a job I'd waited years for I've lost 1 if my son's and 2 grandkids and if I'm honest I'm starting to resent him for it and I think the reason I stick with him is because I've no1 else..no family no friends no nothing..im now at the stage I'm making excuses not to see him(we don't live together) but then I feel guilty because he is so very good to me and cares for me . sometimes I think to myself I don't want to hurt him by walking away but look what has happened to me..no1 in my street talks to me I hate living here..something I didn't put on my original post was something he had said to me when we were being intimate was (god this hard to say) he said he wished I was 12 or 13..why the f**k can't I walk away from him..my life is in peaces and I've no1 I can talk to I sometimes think if I wasn't here I wouldn't feel like this anymore..he is a gentleman but if he was doing this all those years ago then I'm guessing he didn't do it due to depression like he said..its just so lonely and someone to spend time with is better than no1..i don't know if anyone will understand this or not
Hi DD, has your partner done work to address his behaviour regarding iioc? It really concerns me that he has admitted to wish you were a child in an intimate setting. Not all People who offend are outwardly horrible people in general. For me the fact my partner is very remorseful and has done all the rehabilitation available to him has made the decision to stay easier, otherwise I would have walked away instantly.
You shouldn't be feeling that you must settle because you don't believe there is anyone else for you. I can't tell you what to think or to stay or go. But it might be worth reflecting on whether your partner has changed his behaviour to never offend again.
You shouldn't be feeling that you must settle because you don't believe there is anyone else for you. I can't tell you what to think or to stay or go. But it might be worth reflecting on whether your partner has changed his behaviour to never offend again.
he has done coarse work he onky came off the register at end off January.. what he said sticks in my head but also the fact he had been looking at it for 10years before he was caught but at first told me only a year. he said it was due to depression but I've se3n pics if him all smiley ect taken during the times he was doing this and didn't strike me as being down and depressed if I'm honest I just don't want to hurt anyone but I've lost everything because of this and I mean everything.i don't think he would offend again but u do know when he had house visit it was like he was telling them what they wanted to hear..god I don't know anything anymore tbh I wish when I found out about it all I'd walked away instead of believing his lies and tried to help him
Depression is complex and doesn't always mean that someone is outwardly miserable. My partner went through a lot of stress during the time of his offending and developed an unhealthy relationship with porn and online chat rooms. Was treated for depression but didn't get the full help because he didn't admit to his offending at the time.
Offenders can intially lie about the seriousness of their offending as self preservation or genuine denial. I recommend ringing the lff helpline to discuss and they might be able to recommend how to look for therapy for yourself and maybe couple councilling. You are the only person who can set your boundaries and limitations, and these can chnage over time or as you you gain more information on your partner. Please do not think because you stood by him from the start means you have to do so indefinitely.
Offenders can intially lie about the seriousness of their offending as self preservation or genuine denial. I recommend ringing the lff helpline to discuss and they might be able to recommend how to look for therapy for yourself and maybe couple councilling. You are the only person who can set your boundaries and limitations, and these can chnage over time or as you you gain more information on your partner. Please do not think because you stood by him from the start means you have to do so indefinitely.
thankyou xx