No contact. Ever.
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My daughter’s father was arrested in July, investigation is still ongoing but he’s admitted to buying and watching child pornography. The images found were cat.A. He’s had no contact, this is backed up by a report from SS.
He’s now requesting supervised access. I’ve refused, this is in line with SS assessment, but I don’t want him anywhere near our child. Ever.
It looks like most mothers allow supervised access, is this because you think it’s right or because you’ve been forced to? I’m scared a court will force access. I don’t think this is in our child’s best interests.
I’m new to this. I need advise. There’s so little support.
He’s now requesting supervised access. I’ve refused, this is in line with SS assessment, but I don’t want him anywhere near our child. Ever.
It looks like most mothers allow supervised access, is this because you think it’s right or because you’ve been forced to? I’m scared a court will force access. I don’t think this is in our child’s best interests.
I’m new to this. I need advise. There’s so little support.
Thank you for your reply.
He was buying and using videos of girls; we have a daughter. I just can’t stomach the thought of him being anywhere near her.
Right now, she only knows he is ill and has made some bad choices which mean he’s not allowed to see her; I talk to her about him in the best possible light; I don’t want her to know what her father is, for her sake. She’s only 6.
Realising how little control I have over her future is scary. I want to move away, relocate to where all my family live but I can’t do this without his consent - or a court order. I feel completely trapped in the darkness he’s created. I hate that our child will grow up with the knowledge of the darkness of her father. How could he do this to her?
He was buying and using videos of girls; we have a daughter. I just can’t stomach the thought of him being anywhere near her.
Right now, she only knows he is ill and has made some bad choices which mean he’s not allowed to see her; I talk to her about him in the best possible light; I don’t want her to know what her father is, for her sake. She’s only 6.
Realising how little control I have over her future is scary. I want to move away, relocate to where all my family live but I can’t do this without his consent - or a court order. I feel completely trapped in the darkness he’s created. I hate that our child will grow up with the knowledge of the darkness of her father. How could he do this to her?
Wolfmama, I am so sorry you are here with us all =(
I allow my Husband supervised access as my children need their Dad in their lives. To suddenly rip them away from him would cause no end of distress for 2 of them (both have ASD and are already struggling as they were here when the police came) - my husband was having online chats with other men and I am sure they will find some pictures too but he says he didn't buy or ask for pictures they were sent as part of a group chat. Not that that isn't just as bad but for me, until the investigation has been completed who knows what they will or will not find. The children are getting used to the reduced contact time and if he does go to prison then I will cross that bridge when we come to it. I suppose I am blocking it all out as much as possible until I know 100% what has happened.
I totally get where you are coming from with not wanting your Daughter to have contact but having taken the time to speak to the helpline I understand much more now about why he did it and that actually some men (I think they quoted like 80% of men) aren't actually sexually attracted to children, it's the 20% that are and I truly believe my husband is in the 80% who has a sex and porn addiction.
Go with your gut my love, if you don't want him to have access then you are in control here not him.
I allow my Husband supervised access as my children need their Dad in their lives. To suddenly rip them away from him would cause no end of distress for 2 of them (both have ASD and are already struggling as they were here when the police came) - my husband was having online chats with other men and I am sure they will find some pictures too but he says he didn't buy or ask for pictures they were sent as part of a group chat. Not that that isn't just as bad but for me, until the investigation has been completed who knows what they will or will not find. The children are getting used to the reduced contact time and if he does go to prison then I will cross that bridge when we come to it. I suppose I am blocking it all out as much as possible until I know 100% what has happened.
I totally get where you are coming from with not wanting your Daughter to have contact but having taken the time to speak to the helpline I understand much more now about why he did it and that actually some men (I think they quoted like 80% of men) aren't actually sexually attracted to children, it's the 20% that are and I truly believe my husband is in the 80% who has a sex and porn addiction.
Go with your gut my love, if you don't want him to have access then you are in control here not him.
Wolfmama its such a hard decision, and with your daughter being 6 it must be harder. My daughter is 21 months old and was 11 months when we got the knock so im lucky shes so young as she has no understanding of what has happened.
Initally i really wanted to keep their relationship as i hated the idea of her not having her dad in her life but as i got information about what he had been viewing (cat a baby videos!) I changed my mind and never want him to see her again.
I did allow him to see her under strict social services supervision before he was sentenced but i did it for my needs. I knew i was going to divorce him when i could (we hadnt been married a year when the knock came) and wanted to keep things friendly so that he would sign the papers without much complaint.
When he was sentenced tho i put my foot down and told him i wasnt happy for her to go into a prison its not suitable. He agreed but on the belief hell see her when he gets out.
Hes due to be released in may and im dreading it. I dont want him to see her at all and if i do allow it there will be strict rules enforced. Im hoping that there will be no contact and that he wont ask to see her but i know thats unlikely. So ive looked up contact centres in our area tht provide supervised visitation. I wont be bringing it up with him but if he asks to see her ill then tel him this is how itll be and that hell have to cover the charges.
Itll likely cause an argument with us but her safety is the main thing. And as soon as she says she doesnt want to see him (when shes old enough to) then itll be stopped.
Its a really difficult thing to decide and theres no right answer. My solictor told me yesterday she would hate to be in my shoes making this decision as there so much to consider
Initally i really wanted to keep their relationship as i hated the idea of her not having her dad in her life but as i got information about what he had been viewing (cat a baby videos!) I changed my mind and never want him to see her again.
I did allow him to see her under strict social services supervision before he was sentenced but i did it for my needs. I knew i was going to divorce him when i could (we hadnt been married a year when the knock came) and wanted to keep things friendly so that he would sign the papers without much complaint.
When he was sentenced tho i put my foot down and told him i wasnt happy for her to go into a prison its not suitable. He agreed but on the belief hell see her when he gets out.
Hes due to be released in may and im dreading it. I dont want him to see her at all and if i do allow it there will be strict rules enforced. Im hoping that there will be no contact and that he wont ask to see her but i know thats unlikely. So ive looked up contact centres in our area tht provide supervised visitation. I wont be bringing it up with him but if he asks to see her ill then tel him this is how itll be and that hell have to cover the charges.
Itll likely cause an argument with us but her safety is the main thing. And as soon as she says she doesnt want to see him (when shes old enough to) then itll be stopped.
Its a really difficult thing to decide and theres no right answer. My solictor told me yesterday she would hate to be in my shoes making this decision as there so much to consider
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Hi Wolfmama. Not got any real insight I’m afraid, but just wanted to say it is different for everyone as all of our circumstances are similar but also different. I’m sure whatever you do will be right x
Neither. I allowed access because it was what my children aged 12,14,18 and 19, wanted.
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I was going to comment on this but noticed it's a really old post so comments now are probably not relevant.