What now - Stay in their life or go?
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Hi,
Sorry I never got to read your post. Hope you're ok x
Sorry I never got to read your post. Hope you're ok x
Thanks for replying still. I deleted the original post as my mind is just a complete jumble so I don't know if anything I'm saying is coherent or makes sense.
I was also struggling with the courage to explain everything that has happened and didn't know where to start / was worried about the implications if any one of his family or my family saw it.
Basically there's lots of things I'm worried about and I'm finding it hard to understand or process what happened.
The main thing is how you can decide between whether to stick by your partner, break things off and come back later when they have sort the help they needed or just move on with your life.
It's so hard when they're the love of your life and I've literally never seen any dark side of him apart from what he has been through and sometimes a struggle with mental health. All I want is for everything to be ok, but how will I ever know it could ever be the same again?
Would we be able to live the life we dreamed of if he does get charged?
For context it was me that discovered the images about a week and a half ago and then a close family member reported him a few days later.
Seeing what I saw has also really affected me, which is why I have broken things off for now. But he has nowhere else to live so we are still in a tiny flat together.
I think I'm in some state of shock right now. But am seeking a therapist, so maybe that will help and give me the headspace to make the right decision in terms of our relationship?
Anyway, like I said, I'm not sure any of thiakes any sense but any advice would be so much appreciated xx
I was also struggling with the courage to explain everything that has happened and didn't know where to start / was worried about the implications if any one of his family or my family saw it.
Basically there's lots of things I'm worried about and I'm finding it hard to understand or process what happened.
The main thing is how you can decide between whether to stick by your partner, break things off and come back later when they have sort the help they needed or just move on with your life.
It's so hard when they're the love of your life and I've literally never seen any dark side of him apart from what he has been through and sometimes a struggle with mental health. All I want is for everything to be ok, but how will I ever know it could ever be the same again?
Would we be able to live the life we dreamed of if he does get charged?
For context it was me that discovered the images about a week and a half ago and then a close family member reported him a few days later.
Seeing what I saw has also really affected me, which is why I have broken things off for now. But he has nowhere else to live so we are still in a tiny flat together.
I think I'm in some state of shock right now. But am seeking a therapist, so maybe that will help and give me the headspace to make the right decision in terms of our relationship?
Anyway, like I said, I'm not sure any of thiakes any sense but any advice would be so much appreciated xx
Thank-you lee. I have seen how supportive you have been to many other on this forum and it really does mean soich to know you are not alone, but is also heartbreaking to know so many have to go through this.
It's opened my life up to a world that was always just something you heard of here and there in a newspaper or from afar so it's hard to come to terms with it suddenly being there and a massive part of your life.
I am in my late twenties and no kids or marriage so there's at least that. It's stuff we hoped for in the future but obviously I'm not sure yet whether that is the future I would have with him or it would be someone else now. I can't have children so not actually sure if I could adopt in a situation like that or they'd not allow IVF, I don't really know.
But yes you're right , I think it would be best to really focus on myself and getting the help I need before making any kind of decision.
He really has been so so honest, to the point of talking about things that maybe I wouldn't want to hear. I know that is something that many others like him would find hard so I do appreciate that a lot.
It's opened my life up to a world that was always just something you heard of here and there in a newspaper or from afar so it's hard to come to terms with it suddenly being there and a massive part of your life.
I am in my late twenties and no kids or marriage so there's at least that. It's stuff we hoped for in the future but obviously I'm not sure yet whether that is the future I would have with him or it would be someone else now. I can't have children so not actually sure if I could adopt in a situation like that or they'd not allow IVF, I don't really know.
But yes you're right , I think it would be best to really focus on myself and getting the help I need before making any kind of decision.
He really has been so so honest, to the point of talking about things that maybe I wouldn't want to hear. I know that is something that many others like him would find hard so I do appreciate that a lot.
Hi SarahMel2, I'm so sorry to find yourself in this position. Lee1969 always gives great advice. Have a look back at posts and find the one regarding doing an on line trauma course, I wish I'd found that course in the early days. Take it hour by hour until you're able to take it day by day. Don't rush to make any decisions, you need time to process it all. A therapist is a great idea too. It's so good to be able to talk about it all to someone who understands. I would suggest getting a therapist that specialises in this area, as they came help explain outcomes etc. I would suggest you contact StopSO for recommendations. I went through them and they recommended one local to me. And most importantly, none of this is your fault. You have done nothing wrong, he needs to address his own behaviour and you need time to heal. Take care xx
Hi Tabs,
Thank-you. It is always helpful to hear about what different support I can seek and look out for.
It's weird when sometimes you think you're ok and then just suddenly it hits you all over again , just a thought or a trigger and then it's not ok anymore.
You're right , I am really trying not to panic and look too far ahead into the future but sometimes it's hard not to - you just think about every scenario , every way you life is going to change.
But yes I guess it's just figuring out how to process it all at your own pace and in your own time, and giving yourself space to do that.
Thank-you. It is always helpful to hear about what different support I can seek and look out for.
It's weird when sometimes you think you're ok and then just suddenly it hits you all over again , just a thought or a trigger and then it's not ok anymore.
You're right , I am really trying not to panic and look too far ahead into the future but sometimes it's hard not to - you just think about every scenario , every way you life is going to change.
But yes I guess it's just figuring out how to process it all at your own pace and in your own time, and giving yourself space to do that.
What I think we all go through is grief. But worse. We are grieving the loss of the life we had and the man we loved, but without the outpouring of love and support from our communities. We are also dealing with a massive trauma on top of that. We had no idea of what our men were up to. They keep this addiction of theirs very secret. Our lives are upended. All our plans gone. So it takes lots of self care. I'm 19 months in and still not there, but I try. As you said you forget for a moment and then it hits. As time goes on, it takes less time to recover, but I for one have bad days where the tears aren't far away. As many people on this forum will confirm, you do get through it, you have to. And decisions can be made when the time is right. But for now, you just need to survive, and breathe. xx
Tabs - Yes you're right , it really is like that and the fact there is such a limited number of people that know what has happened (and I imagine in some cases none at all) makes it so very difficult. One minute you're a happy couple and people say how perfect you are together then suddenly without explanation that's it and it's over.
I am sorry that it is still effecting you in such a way but I hope this forum has helped in some way to give you the support that others may not be able to give you. Are you still with your partner after everything and if so do you feel they are able to offer you support in how you're feeling?
I completely understand the tears behind the eyes. Only two weeks in but it's just this feeling that at any point it could all pour out and I'm terrified of when it does. I'm very self aware that my reaction right now isn't normal but then again what would be a normal reaction? I guess everything that has happened previously in your life can contribute to that and there is no one fits all as to how to react to all of this. We all have our different ways of coping with it.
Lee - yes I think it is important not all communication is cut off. Initially I was told by the police we wouldn't be able to have any contact after he was arrested, due to me being a witness, and it absolutely broke my heart. I felt I'd never get the answers I'm so desperate for. Luckily though after ringing them they told me that wasn't the case after all as they realise that many couples need to speak to each other for various reasons after stuff like this has happened.
Yes I really need to remember not to rush things as I don't want to look back and have any regrets in the decisions I made.
Thanks again for everyone's support xxx
I am sorry that it is still effecting you in such a way but I hope this forum has helped in some way to give you the support that others may not be able to give you. Are you still with your partner after everything and if so do you feel they are able to offer you support in how you're feeling?
I completely understand the tears behind the eyes. Only two weeks in but it's just this feeling that at any point it could all pour out and I'm terrified of when it does. I'm very self aware that my reaction right now isn't normal but then again what would be a normal reaction? I guess everything that has happened previously in your life can contribute to that and there is no one fits all as to how to react to all of this. We all have our different ways of coping with it.
Lee - yes I think it is important not all communication is cut off. Initially I was told by the police we wouldn't be able to have any contact after he was arrested, due to me being a witness, and it absolutely broke my heart. I felt I'd never get the answers I'm so desperate for. Luckily though after ringing them they told me that wasn't the case after all as they realise that many couples need to speak to each other for various reasons after stuff like this has happened.
Yes I really need to remember not to rush things as I don't want to look back and have any regrets in the decisions I made.
Thanks again for everyone's support xxx
SarahMel2, we have been separated since the arrest. As it was a vigilante case, and I live in a small community, it was safer for both of us. With covid too it's meant we have not really been able to properly meet up and talk. However, we text and talk on the phone to sort things out like finances etc. He is a broken man, and is having intense therapy. I feel I owe it to our marriage to at least keep communicating. I can't see us having a future together, but I know some couples do make it work. As you say there are no two couples the same, and past experiences/traumas come into it too. I've had therapy and was fortunate to have had no adverse childhood experiences, whereas he had many, he needs to address those and find who he is.
it's all very complicated! A world I didn't want to be part of, but here I am. There are many more than we know, probably living close by......this is an escalating crime. I hope you feel a little more settled today...it really helps to talk on here and get it all off your chest. Keep on posting, someone is always there to answer...x
it's all very complicated! A world I didn't want to be part of, but here I am. There are many more than we know, probably living close by......this is an escalating crime. I hope you feel a little more settled today...it really helps to talk on here and get it all off your chest. Keep on posting, someone is always there to answer...x
Hi, I am sorry you find yourself in this situation and to see the images yourself must be difficult. I just wanted to say I'm a couple of months in I really have struggled and I've had help from my gp. I am not making any decisions yet on whether I stand by my husband or not we talk because we have kids and we see each other on contact days. He truly is my soul mate but I don't know if I can see him the same again or accept his actions yet I need to know the evidence of the investigation first. I guess for you it's a hit different as youve seen the images yourself so you already have an idea what he's done and what the images involve which might help you to understand if it's something you can process and deal with over time and move on from or if its something beyond your limits. Obviously the reasons why the men do this are important too and him getting help and being honest helps. Don't make big decisions talk it over and don't rush. Don't punish yourself either. Speak to a gp and use this page as much as you can there's very experienced and supportive people way ahead in their journeys. We are in this together you are not alone x
I know where you are coming from. The way you describe your relationship, everyone saying you're the perfect couple, never having seen this side to him etc, this describes how I feel with my husband too. I didn't discover the images myself but feel that he has been honest with me since the arrest and as though I am gradually coming to terms with it. We are still together, but it is 16 months on from the day he was arrested and released under investigation and we've not heard anything since. So it really is a waiting game. I don't know if I'll feel differently once he gets charged. For now I've stuck by my partner but as you say, it does have a big impact on the things you'll be able to do in the future, whether or not to have a family etc. Such a tricky decision. I've always tried to do what feels right for me at the time, and he knows that there is a chance that at some point I might change my mind. I've been open with my close family so have them for support but not with friends as nearly all our friends we have in common.
Thanks everyone for their replies and sharing your different experiences. It is good to hear all different sides of everything. Today I went back to the flat after staying at a friend's and it's so hard. I just don't really know how to be around him. He is trying to give me space but there's only so much we can do in a tiny flat.
I'm sorry tabs that your situation involved vigilantes, I can't imagine how painful that must have been for you. It is so kind of you to keep that communication with him going even if you can't be together anymore. My partner definitely similarly has a lot of things that happened in the past which he will need to work through but as do I , so hopefully even if we can't take this journey together it will help us both in the long run for different reasons.
Sapphire - I hope that your husband can find the courage to speak to you about what exactly you can expect to find out from the investigation as I know that could really help in processing it all. I've asked a lot of difficult questions but there are certain ones I have avoided as he is being incredibly honest and I think maybe there are some answers I would not be ready to hear, so I guess it depends on how much you feel you would want to know.
It definitely was difficult to actually see what he had been looking at but I guess at least it forces the situation of him needing to be completely honest in explaining what I saw. Obviously there are some questions he can't answer until he has gone to therapy and those answers may take a long time to figure out and come to terms with.
BusyLizzie - it seems so overwhelming a thought to think that people are having to deal with this for so long, with no conclusion. I hope that one way or another you can find there is some evolvement in the case, whether it is closed or whatever. I imagine the limbo makes it difficult for everyone involved and I feel it would be hard to begin to rebuild relationships without knowing the conclusion of the investigation first. It is good to hear that you and your partner have managed to work through all of this together though and it really does give me hope.
To know this forum is here full of other people at different stages of similar experiences really does offer some comfort even if it is in such sad circumstances.
I'm sorry tabs that your situation involved vigilantes, I can't imagine how painful that must have been for you. It is so kind of you to keep that communication with him going even if you can't be together anymore. My partner definitely similarly has a lot of things that happened in the past which he will need to work through but as do I , so hopefully even if we can't take this journey together it will help us both in the long run for different reasons.
Sapphire - I hope that your husband can find the courage to speak to you about what exactly you can expect to find out from the investigation as I know that could really help in processing it all. I've asked a lot of difficult questions but there are certain ones I have avoided as he is being incredibly honest and I think maybe there are some answers I would not be ready to hear, so I guess it depends on how much you feel you would want to know.
It definitely was difficult to actually see what he had been looking at but I guess at least it forces the situation of him needing to be completely honest in explaining what I saw. Obviously there are some questions he can't answer until he has gone to therapy and those answers may take a long time to figure out and come to terms with.
BusyLizzie - it seems so overwhelming a thought to think that people are having to deal with this for so long, with no conclusion. I hope that one way or another you can find there is some evolvement in the case, whether it is closed or whatever. I imagine the limbo makes it difficult for everyone involved and I feel it would be hard to begin to rebuild relationships without knowing the conclusion of the investigation first. It is good to hear that you and your partner have managed to work through all of this together though and it really does give me hope.
To know this forum is here full of other people at different stages of similar experiences really does offer some comfort even if it is in such sad circumstances.
So it's been just over two weeks now since I found out and I'm still so confused as to what to do. I feel like there's so many different things to think about that I don't know how to make a clear decision on what to do.
There's what's best for me, what will make me happy, what's best for him (as it's impossible not to think of that too) , what's best for us but then what my family and friends will think, that know, if we ever did get back together. Then it's also all the future implications all of this could have.
I know only I can decide, but I was just wondering if anyone had an tips as to how to know you've done all you can to make an informed decision? Or maybe that's impossible when feelings are involved?
He is still living with me and it's making both of us so sad, as we still feel a lot for each other, but I've decided at least for now we shouldn't be together. However he is not in a position to be able to easily find his own place and is worried a flatshare would mean no privacy for all the phone call counselling etc. he is having at the moment.
He's been giving me a lot of space but also answering all my questions when I have them. But part of me wishes just now and then we could spend time together without all of this hanging over our heads or as the main topic of conversation.
Sorry a bit if a ramble, but it's so hard not to have all these constant thoughts and feelings whirling around my head all the time, so maybe just the process of writing them down here will help!
There's what's best for me, what will make me happy, what's best for him (as it's impossible not to think of that too) , what's best for us but then what my family and friends will think, that know, if we ever did get back together. Then it's also all the future implications all of this could have.
I know only I can decide, but I was just wondering if anyone had an tips as to how to know you've done all you can to make an informed decision? Or maybe that's impossible when feelings are involved?
He is still living with me and it's making both of us so sad, as we still feel a lot for each other, but I've decided at least for now we shouldn't be together. However he is not in a position to be able to easily find his own place and is worried a flatshare would mean no privacy for all the phone call counselling etc. he is having at the moment.
He's been giving me a lot of space but also answering all my questions when I have them. But part of me wishes just now and then we could spend time together without all of this hanging over our heads or as the main topic of conversation.
Sorry a bit if a ramble, but it's so hard not to have all these constant thoughts and feelings whirling around my head all the time, so maybe just the process of writing them down here will help!
I am also struggling with the confusion of what to do, for me it’s not knowing if he is being truthful with me or not, my best guess is not unfortunately. We’ve always been so open and honest together and it’s still early days for me so maybe he will come around soon but from experience I feel he will stick to what he says in that he has only viewed them on social media. It’s also frustrating me that we’re only on day 5 I think and he is just wanting to act normal around me and every time he try’s to be ‘cute’ and I don’t respond he is getting frustrated with that. I feel he is just completely blocking it out.
There is so much to think about, it will have such a huge impact either way. There is no right or wrong decision, it just comes down to how you think you could manage moving forward, what you want your life to look like in the future and if that would be possible with restrictions. I’m a little naive and clueless right now to what these could be but I know myself I love to travel and have wanted a family for so long that I’m not sure I could do that with him. But I’ve read so many posts on here of people who have stayed and already had children or go on to have them and they have managed with them restrictions as long as there is good support.
I feel like I have the same constant worries and there is just no way of getting rid of them, I haven’t told anyone around me. This forum is a helpful support system, and I find even just writing down your feelings will help x
There is so much to think about, it will have such a huge impact either way. There is no right or wrong decision, it just comes down to how you think you could manage moving forward, what you want your life to look like in the future and if that would be possible with restrictions. I’m a little naive and clueless right now to what these could be but I know myself I love to travel and have wanted a family for so long that I’m not sure I could do that with him. But I’ve read so many posts on here of people who have stayed and already had children or go on to have them and they have managed with them restrictions as long as there is good support.
I feel like I have the same constant worries and there is just no way of getting rid of them, I haven’t told anyone around me. This forum is a helpful support system, and I find even just writing down your feelings will help x
Yes I totally understand what you mean. It is difficult if they are not truly opening up. I feel he is being honest in my case, as he has said some stuff he knows that will be difficult for me to hear. He also went through some difficult trauma in his past which I can not help but take into account in how he got to this.
The problem is that I am still very aware he could be twisting the truth as we have also had struggles in our relationship with him having a drug addiction and the other day I saw he had been watching porn (adult) as there is still access to the internet on our TV, which he lied about again, not realising I had seen it in the history. This made me wonder if he is in a pattern of lying he cannot get out of as I have seen this in my own father too.
I really think trust is the biggest factor as if your partner expects everything to be normal and ok and is acting that way around you, he needs to be open and honest as he could potentially be asking you to give up so much for him and it's the least you should get back in return.
I think those are the exact dreams and hopes I have worried about too, as all of us that have discovered this who had not yet lived the life together we dreamed of will find it hard to accept the change this will bring to those dreams.
I wanted to travel as well and had always been waiting to do it with him, but now I wonder if it is worth just going by myself and giving that time and discovery to myself too. Family is more complicated for me anyway so I wasn't always sure it would be what I wanted but I understand your concerns there too. It is hopeful to see how people have made it work though and I've seen stuff on other forums that has reaffirmed this hope.
I hope you are ok - I am only a week or so ahead of you so I know how hard it is , especially in the first few days. We will get through this though, as it's so clear to see how many amazing strong people there are on this forum that have done just that xx
The problem is that I am still very aware he could be twisting the truth as we have also had struggles in our relationship with him having a drug addiction and the other day I saw he had been watching porn (adult) as there is still access to the internet on our TV, which he lied about again, not realising I had seen it in the history. This made me wonder if he is in a pattern of lying he cannot get out of as I have seen this in my own father too.
I really think trust is the biggest factor as if your partner expects everything to be normal and ok and is acting that way around you, he needs to be open and honest as he could potentially be asking you to give up so much for him and it's the least you should get back in return.
I think those are the exact dreams and hopes I have worried about too, as all of us that have discovered this who had not yet lived the life together we dreamed of will find it hard to accept the change this will bring to those dreams.
I wanted to travel as well and had always been waiting to do it with him, but now I wonder if it is worth just going by myself and giving that time and discovery to myself too. Family is more complicated for me anyway so I wasn't always sure it would be what I wanted but I understand your concerns there too. It is hopeful to see how people have made it work though and I've seen stuff on other forums that has reaffirmed this hope.
I hope you are ok - I am only a week or so ahead of you so I know how hard it is , especially in the first few days. We will get through this though, as it's so clear to see how many amazing strong people there are on this forum that have done just that xx
I hope for you too he is being honest, if there is a pattern of lying you are concerned about that could be something he could work on in therapy too. I think it’s so helpful that you have decided on therapy also, as that should really help for a space to clear your mind. There will be many different factors which each person goes through in life which may lead them to access these things and maybe how they come from this shows the person they do want to be.
I feel there is definitely an element of grieving the relationship you had and you aspired to have that we will go through if that decision is to leave. Travel is something which can bring amazing things to people, especially when feeling lost. I know people who have come out of relationships and went off on their own now have amazing lives and some have met people they would never have thought of meeting.
Thank you, I hope you do okay too, we will get through this will the support of everyone here xx
I feel there is definitely an element of grieving the relationship you had and you aspired to have that we will go through if that decision is to leave. Travel is something which can bring amazing things to people, especially when feeling lost. I know people who have come out of relationships and went off on their own now have amazing lives and some have met people they would never have thought of meeting.
Thank you, I hope you do okay too, we will get through this will the support of everyone here xx
Just wnated to say you're not alone. I don't feel in a position to give advice as I've been a total mess over my own situation and still really confused. But I'm sure you've had lots of good advice from those further into this Journey than I am. Just know that finding this hard and confusing is a normal reaction, and that there are people here to support you, whatever happens xx
I am now out of the other side as far as my husband has now been sentenced. It was a suspended sentence so he is home with me.
The one thing I can say to all you lovely ladies that are confused about whether to stay or go is not to hurry any decisions. I have had the mind set that it is upto me when and if I leave and even now we are over the worst I still maintain a " I'm staying for now" mindset as I don't know what lies around the corner. I live for today and we work through our tomorrow's together.
I was the one who found and saw the iioc on my husband's phone and reported him to the police, I had no choice in the matter, it was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. Fast forward 22 months and here we are still working through this mess to get back on track and hopefully have a better future without porn in his life.
If your husbands are being open and honest and they are remorseful then in my experience give them all the support that you can. It's a very long lonely journey for all parties involved.
I just wanted to say it is possible to stay, I know others through the other side who have successfully moved forward together. I also understand that for some ladies their husbands are not honest and open and this is no basis for a continued relationship.
sending love to all of you and hope you find peace in the final decisions you take, but remember don't rush those decisions this is a long process and no hurry. Xxxx
The one thing I can say to all you lovely ladies that are confused about whether to stay or go is not to hurry any decisions. I have had the mind set that it is upto me when and if I leave and even now we are over the worst I still maintain a " I'm staying for now" mindset as I don't know what lies around the corner. I live for today and we work through our tomorrow's together.
I was the one who found and saw the iioc on my husband's phone and reported him to the police, I had no choice in the matter, it was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. Fast forward 22 months and here we are still working through this mess to get back on track and hopefully have a better future without porn in his life.
If your husbands are being open and honest and they are remorseful then in my experience give them all the support that you can. It's a very long lonely journey for all parties involved.
I just wanted to say it is possible to stay, I know others through the other side who have successfully moved forward together. I also understand that for some ladies their husbands are not honest and open and this is no basis for a continued relationship.
sending love to all of you and hope you find peace in the final decisions you take, but remember don't rush those decisions this is a long process and no hurry. Xxxx
Yeh it is all very confusing isn't it? But I do think the best advice everyone keeps on giving is that it's ok not to make any sure and final decisions on anything yet. I'm also hoping to sign up for the inform course as maybe that can help make things clearer too.
Thanks so much Dottie - right now with where my head is at, it's so important for me to know there are people out there who have made it work.
Can I ask if you lived together the entire time all this was going on, or did you take some time apart? Right now, even though it's the less convenient option, I am thinking the latter is going to be best for us, just as if I did make the choice to be together again in the end, I think I would have to wait until he is charged and it goes to court (currently under investigation) to feel like there is proper closure in everything. Plus if want to know we had both taken the time to get help for our own issues (him more than me) before being together.
The implications of choosing to be together on my family relationships with those that know, is a big worry too. I just hope whatever I decide they will support me, but I'm not so sure all of them will. I don't know if other people have had to work through that kind of issue with their loved ones?
Thanks so much Dottie - right now with where my head is at, it's so important for me to know there are people out there who have made it work.
Can I ask if you lived together the entire time all this was going on, or did you take some time apart? Right now, even though it's the less convenient option, I am thinking the latter is going to be best for us, just as if I did make the choice to be together again in the end, I think I would have to wait until he is charged and it goes to court (currently under investigation) to feel like there is proper closure in everything. Plus if want to know we had both taken the time to get help for our own issues (him more than me) before being together.
The implications of choosing to be together on my family relationships with those that know, is a big worry too. I just hope whatever I decide they will support me, but I'm not so sure all of them will. I don't know if other people have had to work through that kind of issue with their loved ones?