Advice please. Awaiting sentencing.
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I'm hoping for some advice on what I should be doing, and making sure he's doing ahead of sentencing.
I'm just trying to calm myself down after he told me he pleaded guilty to one charge, another was dropped. Both charges related to a conversation with decoy from vigilante group, and a sting from 4 different decoy groups and subsequent live streams.....advise was to plead guilty to get a reduced sentence as the risk of going to trial felt too great. After all there is no denying he went to meet.
Over a period of 4 months he disclosed that he has been chatting away on line to females, had pretty much been groomed himself, encouraged into risky sexual behaviour, with sex workers and then free sex with women wanting to meet random men....riskier than sex workers as it turns out. We're all pretty sure that he was being played by vigilantes.
He met women 6 times over the 6 months leading to vigilante sting. He was suffering from severe depression and soothing himself with his secret life and on line addictions.
As you can imagine I was heartbroken. We had been happily married for nearly 40 years, met and married young. Were each other's 'one and only' and I would have sworn on my life that he would never betray me. Sexually he wasn't able to perform in recent years, due to health issues, but I guess it was the risky behaviour that gave him the high. I thought it was just a different phase of our life and was ok with the lack of a sex life.
He swears he still loves me. Therapist and psychologist confirm that he sufferered at the hands of his family, emotionally, all his life. The risky behaviour started when he was bullied by his chairman, and undermined by him and his staff....he stupidly stuck it out with a sense of duty, I encouraged him to leave. He has now been sacked and signed away his shares etc whilst suffering severe stress and trauma.
He is working hard at unravelling things, and can see what he did to get him where he now is.
I am having therapy, reading, posting on forums and speaking to one person who is really helping me (you know who you are).
I really want to make sure that I am safe physically and financially. As our lives are so entwined I guess I need to make some financial separation, even if relationship wise I'm not ready for divorce yet...I owe it us both to at least meet and talk things through with a councillor. (We have only spent less than an hour in total together, over 3 occasions due to fear of vigilantes and my community, and the distance: he lives a 4 hour drive away now as he went as far away as he could).
Has anyone got any tips....things I should really do now, ahead of sentencing? Things after sentencing? I need to be prepared. I have spent so long in limbo, 18 months, that now it's year I'm almost in a daze again! I think I'm ok physically, as everyone knew at the time what happened, and know he moved out straight away. It was reported on Facebook, along with my movements! So hopefully I won't get any physical damage to my property, but his name is still attached to the property and utilities etc as we agreed to keep things as they are until we knew what the the future holds...now is the future...
many thanks xxxx
I'm just trying to calm myself down after he told me he pleaded guilty to one charge, another was dropped. Both charges related to a conversation with decoy from vigilante group, and a sting from 4 different decoy groups and subsequent live streams.....advise was to plead guilty to get a reduced sentence as the risk of going to trial felt too great. After all there is no denying he went to meet.
Over a period of 4 months he disclosed that he has been chatting away on line to females, had pretty much been groomed himself, encouraged into risky sexual behaviour, with sex workers and then free sex with women wanting to meet random men....riskier than sex workers as it turns out. We're all pretty sure that he was being played by vigilantes.
He met women 6 times over the 6 months leading to vigilante sting. He was suffering from severe depression and soothing himself with his secret life and on line addictions.
As you can imagine I was heartbroken. We had been happily married for nearly 40 years, met and married young. Were each other's 'one and only' and I would have sworn on my life that he would never betray me. Sexually he wasn't able to perform in recent years, due to health issues, but I guess it was the risky behaviour that gave him the high. I thought it was just a different phase of our life and was ok with the lack of a sex life.
He swears he still loves me. Therapist and psychologist confirm that he sufferered at the hands of his family, emotionally, all his life. The risky behaviour started when he was bullied by his chairman, and undermined by him and his staff....he stupidly stuck it out with a sense of duty, I encouraged him to leave. He has now been sacked and signed away his shares etc whilst suffering severe stress and trauma.
He is working hard at unravelling things, and can see what he did to get him where he now is.
I am having therapy, reading, posting on forums and speaking to one person who is really helping me (you know who you are).
I really want to make sure that I am safe physically and financially. As our lives are so entwined I guess I need to make some financial separation, even if relationship wise I'm not ready for divorce yet...I owe it us both to at least meet and talk things through with a councillor. (We have only spent less than an hour in total together, over 3 occasions due to fear of vigilantes and my community, and the distance: he lives a 4 hour drive away now as he went as far away as he could).
Has anyone got any tips....things I should really do now, ahead of sentencing? Things after sentencing? I need to be prepared. I have spent so long in limbo, 18 months, that now it's year I'm almost in a daze again! I think I'm ok physically, as everyone knew at the time what happened, and know he moved out straight away. It was reported on Facebook, along with my movements! So hopefully I won't get any physical damage to my property, but his name is still attached to the property and utilities etc as we agreed to keep things as they are until we knew what the the future holds...now is the future...
many thanks xxxx
So far: packing his stuff up ready to go into storage, writing to give notice to landlord in the event of prison, giving up his car, storage space purchased and DD set up, access and authority to deal with utilities on our home passed to me, account in my name for my bills, joint account mainatained for joint expenses eg house maintenance and for his private pension to be paid into.....
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Thank you Steli. I've renewed my car insurance, with me only. House insurance is the one I need to look at next...not sure how it works when I live here, but we co-own! One to sort...but I'm fearful of talking to insurer in case I invalidate the insurance! It's such a bloody mess! My husband had any credit in his name only, thankfully, and I had a card. But that wasn't good either!! Was advised by a friend early on to take out a card in my own name as I needed to get a credit score!!! So I've done that, and do my groceries through it and pay off in full.
The other thing I was advised to do was remove him from council tax as he was residing elsewhere and paying council tax on his rental. It all the little details isn't it that are hard to unravel! I just tried to change landline into my own name, but as I recently changed the product, as 'administrator', I can't do it without paying to get out of contract, even though I'm staying with them!!!!
xxx
The other thing I was advised to do was remove him from council tax as he was residing elsewhere and paying council tax on his rental. It all the little details isn't it that are hard to unravel! I just tried to change landline into my own name, but as I recently changed the product, as 'administrator', I can't do it without paying to get out of contract, even though I'm staying with them!!!!
xxx
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Do you know if police will contact me now he's on SOR, they know he's living away, but haven't spoken to me about our relationship! X
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Tabs,
I had the police call me after my husband registered on the SOR but only because he put my address down as a temporary. He explained to the police that he was getting a rented room so that if an address was given out at sentencing it wouldn't be mine but for the few days before he found a place he stayed with me hence the call from the police to check that I knew he was on the SOR and check if any under 18's lived here.
As far as house insurance going onto unlock for advice is a good idea as I'm not sure what the rules are if you are both on mortgage but one not living there. I have just had to renew ours and it's more than doubled. Another side effect of this offence. Xxx
I had the police call me after my husband registered on the SOR but only because he put my address down as a temporary. He explained to the police that he was getting a rented room so that if an address was given out at sentencing it wouldn't be mine but for the few days before he found a place he stayed with me hence the call from the police to check that I knew he was on the SOR and check if any under 18's lived here.
As far as house insurance going onto unlock for advice is a good idea as I'm not sure what the rules are if you are both on mortgage but one not living there. I have just had to renew ours and it's more than doubled. Another side effect of this offence. Xxx
Thank you Lee and Dottie. Navigating this is horrible. It really is a life changing event for the individual and everyone around them. The ripple effect.....x