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Just found out and I feel lost

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AB23

Member since
March 2021

12 posts

Posted Mon March 1, 2021 10:07pmReport post

Police have been to the house and explained my partner had been viewing iioc, they have seized his phone and PC for further evidence. My partner feels shook and disgusted and so guilty (so he should), he explained that he has had an addiction to porn for many years and ended up down a deep dark hole inwhich he had seen these images. After many years of a relationship and soon to be married I am shocked, feel sick to my stomach and actually quite angry at him. I also have no idea what to think, I love him so so much, I want a family next year but have no idea how things would work? I don't really know what I'm looking for, has anyone been in the same situation? Did they get charged for viewing the images and how long did you have to wait to find out anything, they said the phone may take around 4 weeks but also mentioned an interview? I feel like I didn't take anything in while they were here. I feel like it's going to be a long couple of months waiting around, he promises that they won't find anything on the devices but it's still the fact hes viewed them and I don't know how many he has witnessed. I don't want to tell any of my family right now as I feel like they would judge him straight away and that would be it (I feel like that should be my response too but I'm so lost) but I feel as though I need to talk about it to someone. Does it make me a bad person to stay with him after this? I kind of judge him too but also I have been so close to him for the best part of 10 years I genuinely can't believe it's him, so much disbelief but I know this wouldn't have come to this if it wasn't serious. My mind is going crazy.

mjl73

Member since
August 2019

240 posts

Posted Tue March 2, 2021 9:48pmReport post

Hi there, sorry that you have joined the club that none of us wanted to join.

This is very early days for you and I'm sure the shock is still very real. You'll probably find yourself going through a whole range of emotions over the next few weeks.

If there is someone you feel you can confide in, having someone to talk to really does help. You can also try the LFF helpline, but it can be hard to get through.

You'll find a mix of people on here, some have stayed with their partners others have chosen to leave. Others have less choice as it's their son or father who offended. For those that stayed, full disclosure, remorse, honesty and a desire to get whatever help they need has often been key. Ultimately you have to make that decision for yourself, and it's not a decision you have to make immediately. Some people take several months to decide one way or the other.

Edited Tue March 2, 2021 9:48pm

AB23

Member since
March 2021

12 posts

Posted Tue March 2, 2021 10:32pmReport post

Hi, thank you for replying, after reading through many posts everyone seems so supportive and it helps knowing I’m not alone.

It is all still so early and I can’t seem to get my head around it, Which I guess is understandable. I’m already going through a pretty hard time after loosing my grandad days ago so both emotions going through my mind is very difficult to deal with.

I feel like I will ring the support line at some point, I just don’t know if I’d be able to get the words out right now.

I just don’t know how I will ever be able to feel normal around him again but I guess like you say these decisions can take a while to figure out.
Thanks again!

Edited Tue March 2, 2021 10:33pm

mjl73

Member since
August 2019

240 posts

Posted Wed March 3, 2021 8:03amReport post

Sorry to hear you lost your granddad recently.

I don't think many people know what to say when they call the helpline for the first time, but they are used to that. So definitely don't let that put you off.

I'm pretty sure everyone who has stayed at some point in time has had doubts about if they should have done so, if that means they don't condone what their partner has done, if they are going to be judged by others for staying. I've also seen those who have chosen to leave question if they should have stayed. Whichever way you decide it's a difficult choice, especially if you have been in the relationship for a long time.

if you stay and he's convicted, life will not be normal as you currently know it. It can be a new normal, for sure, but there will be restrictions for him that in turn pretty much become restrictions for you. For example, you won't be able to go to the US together. You do need to think about yourself in this and also decide if you want that new life with what that brings, especially if you are wanting to have children.

Keep coming back here, even if it's just to remind yourself that you aren't alone.

AB23

Member since
March 2021

12 posts

Posted Wed March 3, 2021 8:39pmReport post

Thank you, I have tried ringing the police back as they said to contact them if I needed some support so fingers crossed they ring me tomorrow. He is all I have known for 7 years but I know I’m quite lucky in having a relationship that long and being only 23.
Either way is going to be a struggle and I feel only time will tell how things will work out, thank you for the support.

AB23

Member since
March 2021

12 posts

Posted Thu March 4, 2021 9:53amReport post

They rang back this morning, I remained very cautious of what I said but there were just a few questions I needed answered.
They've said that if no images are found on the devices then that would be it and would be the end of the investigation. Has anyone experienced this? As much as that would be great having no charges, I'm still going to have to live with the fact he's still seen these images?

Sashadill

Member since
July 2020

43 posts

Posted Fri March 5, 2021 12:35pmReport post

AB23, i just wanted to say hi and say i remember being exactly where you are in July last year. Sorry you've had to join this page too :(

I distinctly remember the main police officer stand in our home and take away my partners laptop, and say if nothing is found, it'll be case closed and all forgotten about. i hoped that would happen but i knew it wouldn't. They found images in my partners deleted items and today he as been to magistrates court.

I don't really know if it gets easier but somedays i feel better than others. It'll be good if you can get your partner talking to you so you can understand whats gone on and get through it together if you decide to stay x

Edited Fri March 5, 2021 12:37pm

Mylo50

Member since
March 2021

4 posts

Posted Fri March 5, 2021 2:02pmReport post

Found out yesterday husband arrested but unable to find out exactly what for he is in court this afternoon so have to ring later feeling completely lost and dont know which way to turn he has mental health issues and will not let police give me any information so worried as he has tried to self harm before and not sure what is going to happen after court appearance

AB23

Member since
March 2021

12 posts

Posted Fri March 5, 2021 6:00pmReport post

Lee and Sashadill, thank you so much for the support, I never thought I’d have to access a page like this in my life but it has brought some sort of comfort.

Tbh I didn’t even think of how they found his address and that they could do that through the IP, I know they can track where someone signed up from that too. I’m really struggling to have hope as he promises there is nothing on the devices and it was just what he had seen on the site but I have so much doubt, does anyone know if they can class possession as a photo he had liked on the site? As I feel that’s where it’s probably heading. I can’t forget when the officer came to tell me why they were here and I was saying it wasn’t him he said ‘it was him who uploaded it’ but then when we were sat waiting while they were carrying out the search he said well hopefully we find nothing and then with my partner only saying he viewed them it’s left me so confused. Then again on the phone yesterday the officer never mentioned an upload and was reassuring that it could be nothing. I’d rather know than be falsely reassured about something this serious?

I know it’s completely different to everyone and some people might not have them or some people may still, but when did the physical feelings start to wear off? Or did they never, I want to write these posts and have the support but I shake when I’m writing what he’s done and have felt physically sick since I found out.

I think it’s frustrating more knowing the high possibility he could be lying to me still, but he did a crime investigation course at uni so he knows exactly how it works and how they can access anything and everything.

Saphire

Member since
January 2021

144 posts

Posted Fri March 5, 2021 8:04pmReport post

I'm just over 2 months in and my husband was arrested for possession of iioc. He hasn't been charged. When the police were here I asked them if there was a mistake and they said highly unlikely due to ip address and other information they had linked to my husband. They knew it was him and not me they needed to talk to. My husband has opened up to what he says he has viewed and possibly been sent and shared. The word upload has been used too. But again when on the phone to the officer in charge he has also said if nothing is found that would be best case scenario. However I feel that this just words said because until they charge him they have to sort of treat him as innocent. I've had a few conversations with this officer and he gives little away. I wouldn't really try to read into what they are saying until you have the results of the investigation. In those early weeks I absolutely tormented myself with what ifs. I repeated and replayed every single word the police said what my partner said what expression people had when I asked questions and really over analysed it all. Yet here I am with no more knowledge than I had before apart from the discussion my husband has had with me. Your partner will be the only one who has the answers right now. There's a lot of support on here you are in the right place x

AB23

Member since
March 2021

12 posts

Posted Fri March 5, 2021 11:10pmReport post

Mylo50, sorry to hear you’ve also had to deal with this recently. How did court go? Not that it can make the situation any better/worse but maybe make you understand a little more about what happened. Are you still currently living with your husband? Try to ensure he has numbers such as this helpline or the crisis team if needed? Just so that he can disclose how he is feeling right now.

Saphire, yeah that sounds pretty much like my mind right now just going over every little thing which was said, and exactly right they didn’t say much on the phone at all. I hate living with uncertainty but I guess that’s going to have to be the new norm for a while, thank you though!

Lee, yeahh so my partners side of the story was that he has been using tumblr for porn, and he would just scroll through images and if you like them they go on your profile or something so he thinks he’s liked some (he didn’t specify how many) which have been iioc. My concern is the fact he has admitted he has seen them and continued to then like the photo knowing it’s wrong and continue using the site? He is saying that he hasn’t uploaded anything on there or saved any photos from there, but obviously I don’t know if that’s truthful and it doesn’t seem like it is right now, only time is going to tell I guess. From your explanation, even if he has ‘liked’ a photo then it would be on his profile so sharing it with others that view his profile maybe? I have no idea how tumblr works that would be helpful. Like I say it’s just gonna be waiting until the investigation finds it out because I’m not getting anything else right now from him. I am trying to focus on my own MH for now xx

Mylo50

Member since
March 2021

4 posts

Posted Sat March 6, 2021 9:49amReport post

Because of his mental health issues he wont speak to me In court there was no plea entered so he has not been formally charged with anything yet we just have to wait until his crown court appearance which could be a few weeks I still dont know what he has been charged with as he wont give his permission for the police to tell me although I have not heard anything from them since Thursday evening his solicitor rang his mother yesterday evening to say he had been held in custody due to his health issues until he goes to court thank God I had already been and told his parents as they are elderly I feel as I am in limbo as people are asking about him and I dont know what to say

Saphire

Member since
January 2021

144 posts

Posted Sat March 6, 2021 9:53amReport post

If you are finding it hard to switch off I found my gp was a great help. Many people like to use the helpline I've not used it yet but this forum is a good help for me too. It's early days and you might find that he opens up more or he might stick with what he is saying and then it's a case of waiting to see what the evidence shows. If he has a solicitor you can ask for disclosure so everything is disclosed to you nothing can remain secret then. He could be telling the truth or he could be in self preservation mode trying to keep some details back to save himself. But he will realise at some point everything will be found and there isn't any point to keeping it back. I hope he is being honest. But I know the feeling of doubt I hope my husbands being truthful with me he is very remorseful and having counselling already. Upload definitely means share / distribution from I've found which in our case is forwarding / sharing images received with people some of which were adult some of which sound like a more questionable age.

AB23

Member since
March 2021

12 posts

Posted Sat March 6, 2021 12:50pmReport post

What sort of thing did you mention to your GP? I’m almost feeling lucky to have had the past 2 weeks off work and not having that to think about although they have been the worst 2 weeks of my life, loosing my grandad and then this, but I’m due back on Wednesday so now that is stressing me out as-well as preparing myself for my grandads funeral on Friday which I am then feeling guilty about because I feel I haven’t gave him enough thought because I’ve had this to deal with too. If that makes any sense. I don’t feel like I can have time off as the ward is already struggling with staffing but I know it’s not my fault, I’m actually also starting a new job in 3 weeks time which is taking on a lot more responsibility so I don’t want to be on the sick for the last weeks of this job and don’t want to start my new job this way but I know I’m going to have to.

He hasn’t done anything legal yet, they have just come and took away the devices and that’s it. He hasn’t looked for support, apart from day 1 he hasn’t even seemed bothered by it which is also frustrating me. He keeps trying to be his normal self and is getting frustrated when I don’t reciprocate ‘being cute’ as cringey as that sounds. Self preservation mode sounds quite accurate I think.

My head is all over the place.

Melanie

Member since
March 2021

2 posts

Posted Sat March 6, 2021 4:38pmReport post

Hi you need to take care of yourself now as hard as that may seem, from what you say he doesn't seem that remorseful which he should do. I was married for fifteen years and kept turning a blind eye to his behaviour and ended up affecting my health. Everybody can make a mistake and be forgiven if they show true remorse but I don't honestly believe that such strong urges like this can just go away. Do the right thing and take care of yourself first . I wish you all the best hun

whoisthisman?

Member since
March 2021

4 posts

Posted Mon March 8, 2021 7:35amReport post

Hi,

Like you, I have only just really discovered that my husband of 20 years has done the same thing. He hasn't attracted the police yet but I fear it is only a matter of time.

He suffers with depression and anxiety which he refuses to get help with. His mood swings have made my life impossible. He coped by turning to internet porn, he found a very young woman online and started living a double fantasy life online. That went on for 2 years before I discovered his activities. She was in to the Dominant Daddy/ Little Girl scene and was clearly happy to do as she was told and put up with him 'chatting up' other young girls on the many forums he was visiting.

After 20 years of marriage I feel as though I've never really known him. He is 2 separate people it seems and I really don't like the other guy he became online.

Please think carefully, your time is so very precious. I am devastated that I wasted 20 years of my life on my husband before I found out.

Take care of yourself.

Y.

AB23

Member since
March 2021

12 posts

Posted Tue March 9, 2021 5:55pmReport post

Hi, thanks for replying and your support.
we had another chat last night and although he is sticking with that they won't find anything he did express his feelings about it and how he wants to stop watching porn excessively and he can't believe it came to this. I am trying to put myself first, I am usually quite good at this working in MH myself but I am struggling with not being able to have a proper conversation with someone about it. I know the helpline is there so I should probably use it but I'm just nervous.
I'm just so stuck in this limbo, and I know people have waited so long but these 8 days have felt like a lifetime. The thoughts are just everywhere, everytime my phone rings, every knock at the door, everytime I drive into my street I feel like the van will just be sitting there.

Bav

Member since
February 2020

27 posts

Posted Tue March 9, 2021 8:53pmReport post

I'm 13/14 months in and same thing, images linked to IP address, devices taken etc I'm in my 20s too and was completely lost. This forum has helped me a lot, along with private counselling. I struggled with anxiety, door knocks, paranoia and feel like I have completely lost myself in all this.

Now waiting for plea hearing at Magistrates Court. From first knock to 'voluntary interview' we waited 3 months and it wasn't until then we found out what it was all about. Take each day at a time the reality is you won't find out what's on them devices if anything for a while.

I still have sleepless nights now especially with the worry of the media etc but it does get easier, you won't forget about it but you'll learn to cope with it. You'll have bad days but will have good days too. It does somehow get easier and this forum is so supportive and informative.

Lolamoo73

Member since
November 2020

32 posts

Posted Tue March 9, 2021 9:58pmReport post

hey, I don't comment often but I'm also in my early twenties and been with my partner the same amount of time, so I can understand how you're feeling. Our journey began 5 months ago and all we know is the police are looking at his devices as they needed him to sign something relating to one of the devices. He's admitted to me that there are IIOC on there and he accessed in the reverse way to most people on this group. He started watching it to 'escape' from a traumatic childhood when he was 13 and only watched legal porn when he was older and more attracted to older people, if that makes sense. So he just watched people of his age group at the time and he accessed it through 'Omegle'. I'm torn because he's being completely honest and remorseful, doing the LFF courses which has helped him realise why his porn addiction started at a young age. He's also the most caring person and treats me so well and respects any decision I make, but I also can't help but be somewhat selfish and want a 'normal' life without the stigma and worry about my future profession. We also own a house together which makes everything that bit more complicated! I guess for me it's just a waiting game to see the outcome of what's on the devices and also the sentencing. Hope you're doing okay, if you have a friend you completely trust that you can confide too, it will make you feel far less lonely in the journey. I chose my best friend who's a councillor and she's been amazing throughout.

Edited Tue March 9, 2021 10:02pm

AB23

Member since
March 2021

12 posts

Posted Tue March 9, 2021 10:15pmReport post

Thank yous so much for your kind words.

Today has been quite a hard day but I think that’s just due to the thought of work tomorrow and wether or not I can cope, luckily I have a best friend there (she doesn’t know) but it’s some comfort. It’s so helpful to read your stories and know people have been in the same position, it’s given me so much more knowledge about something I was quite naive about, the officer said the times for the devices was about 4/5weeks at the moment but since reading the forum, I’ve set myself up that that was completely untrue. Was the voluntary interview the first time he had spoken to police about it?

I also feel selfish in that I want a normal life too, which I think is so acceptable as we didn’t ask for any of this, I would always help him through it but I know I wouldn’t be able to continue with restrictions if that’s what it comes too.

Bav

Member since
February 2020

27 posts

Posted Wed March 10, 2021 7:14amReport post

It's normal to have bad days, I dreaded going back to work too but work will be your saviour it will be the place where you can feel normal again and be yourself. I didn't feel myself at home due to the police search and tried to be out as much as possible.

Yes my partner heard nothing off the police until they phoned him and invited him for a voluntary interview. At this point I knew they'd definitely found something as they wouldn't interview someone without any evidence.

Throughout all of this I've told myself I won't live under restrictions and have my life ruined. Now my partner is in court and has been told to plead not guilty so its difficult as I don't want to throw away my very long relationship if he does get found not guilty. Although we do now live apart.