Family and Friends Forum

All I can say is the addiction to alcohol does have victims. My husband who committed this offence was bought up by a man who was an alcoholic. At the age of 5 he saw a man face down in the road he thought had died. As he got closer he realised it was his dad. That is just a snap shot of the types of trauma caused by an alcoholic. His mother took a knife out to him when he became violent which was also witnessed by my husband. There are many many horrible instances on a daily basis he witnessed. He started looking at porn at 7. It was his self soothing for the life revolving around him.

children and other family members are pulled apart by alcoholism. No addiction is good. All I would say is there are reasons why people become addicted and sometimes you need to hear the story and work through things.



The decision is hard in these cases and once made is not necessarily set in stone. Sounds like you need more time to work things out. Talk to him, if he is open and honest then you will be better informed for what you decide in the end.



wish you all the best in working it out. Xx

Yellow house, I agree that this is all very confusing. That is why I felt it was best for me to really take my time to try and understand him and how he got to where is he now. Things sadly are not black or white, and I refuse to believe that I don't know the man I have been with for well over 30 years. If I do, that means that I am flawed, I am not. He is a fundamentally kind and caring person who carried a huge burden and self soothed in the worst possible way. The problem was he hid his feelings, and his outlet was on line chat and sex. He did a timeline and it was clear to see what life events escalated his behaviour and how his childhood shaped his beliefs and behaviours. It's very complicated! He is so more than this. He has therapy, as do I. I have also read as much as I can on the subject. I think o now understand. I also believe in compassion and rehabilitation. Always have. However, that is not to say I will choose to spend the rest of my life with him, as for me it's about trust.
We all have the right to choose to stay with our partners, or leave. Everyone is different. But I do NOT believe that these men have done down this path willingly. Why would they throw away their whole lives? They need to be understood and listened to. If we don't do that and learn from their experiences we are basically allowing our children and grandchildren to follow the same patterns.
I appreciate we are all entitled to our views, but the best advice we can all give ourselves and new people to this site, is to take our time to fully understand and explore. Don't take one side of coin only as 'truth'. The programme you watched was for entertainment NOT education. Police are there to enforce the law not to understand why people offend. I have a relation who was a detective in sex offenders unit, they were shocked at my husbands arrest and are now, for the first time, thinking of the other side of the story.
I hope you find the answers you are looking for. Until you fully understand and come to an informed decision I don't believe you will find peace in yourself. And that is of major importance to your mental and physical health. I'm not there yet, but am continuing to learn.

Any addiction wether it be Alcohol or Gambling etc has victims those closest to the addicts suffer it can and does cause those around the addict to suffer from mental health problems

My partner grow up with an alcoholic mother and a father who because of his mother's addiction was both verbally and physically abusive he seen his parents physically beating each other up on more then one occasion as an adult he witnessed his mother throwing up blood in the kitchen sink one Christmas because of her nearly 30years addiction and a whole host of other things that's affected him massively growing up and well into adulthood his addictive behaviour was in part learnt by growing up a parent with alcohol addiction and an uncle with a gambling addiction

I wasn't an addicted to alcohol but was only one step away I use to use it as a crutch when things got too stressful and I couldn't cope because I hadn't dealt with a mental physical and sexual abusive relationship I was in my early 20s the way I was when I drank too much affected everyone close to me

The police are not perfect they still make mistakes even though unlike the vigilante groups they are monitored things can still go very wrong very quickly there is never just one side to anything ever

It's a hard decision to make wether to say or go and what's right for one isn't always right for another

I've been with my partner nearly 16 years and I do know him I know the quite gentle person that would do anything for anyone the person who stood by me when I was at my worst because of abusing drink and my mental health he was there to help pick the peices up and to help me put myself back together his offending I never seen coming but it doesn't not define him and doesn't mean I don't know the person I love

Yes at the beginning I questioned whether I knew him or not but I never once questioned wether he would hurt my children because despite his offending I know he wouldn't nothing is black and white even with these types of offences it's not black and white

I hope you can find some peace to move on in whichever direction is best for you

I wanted to say that I understand your feelings. I'm undecided on what I am doing in the future I'm concentrating on today and tomorrow and trying not to think beyond that - it's so difficult and I really get caught up in thoughts of what's, how's and of course why. My husband hasn't been charged yet and he swears he is giving me his truth and I can't accept it until I hear from the police what evidence if any that they fine. It kills me that i can't accept his word and I really want to and he really seems genuine but I can't I think I am protecting myself from the hurt I'd have to endure if I believe him and then it's proved he is lying. I watched that programme too, episode one I couldn't look at the TV I felt ashamed looking at it and physically sick throughout. But I wanted to watch it for an insight. The one thing I could see is that for many of the men on there they were not like my husband they were a threat and I do not consider my husband a threat I consider him to be an absolute idiot who has turned our World upside down because he wasn't coping very well with stress and past situations. I do struggle with the thoughts of what they will find, it scares the life out of me they will find something I cannot accept that pushes the boundaries of what I might be able to tolerate too far. I struggle with it being real abuse and real children in these images. I don't know if this is something I can forgive and let go. But I know I hope that what ever they find is at a level in which I could hopefully try to rebuild our lives. I do understand what you are saying as I'm sitting on this middle ground at the moment with admiration for both sides. Those that do leave it takes real strength to go it alone and turn your back on all you've known and your hopes and dreams and those that stay equally strong for sticking by the person you love. As long as you do what's right for you and you can find peace in your decision then that's all that matters

I agree with lee1969, if he is lying and not being honest and taking responsibility for his actions then I would have to leave.

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Steli

I am so sorry to read the horrendous experience you and your daughter have gone through.
I hope you are both able to move on and be happy again and that the experiences you both had will fade through time. Sending you love and strength. Xxx