Lost and confused, no one to talk to
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Hi. I'm not really sure where to start, I will try to put as much info in as possible so apologies for the long post but I need to get this off my chest.
I have, on many occasions caught my husband chatting to women online (I've checked 3 times, and caught him every time). The last time I checked was in 2017 when I caught him talking to a "16" year old girl (I'm not sure if she may have been younger, none of the conversations I read were sexual). I hit the roof, but possibly stupidly worked through it for the sake of my family (I am now 40, husband 48 and two teenage children). I haven't had the guts to check his phones since this due to fear of what I might find. I have always had a gut feeling he has still been online chatting and even voiced my fears that he may be engaging with minors. He assured me this wasn't the case.
last week the knock came at 3:30am. He was arrested and all electronic devices ceased. My two teenage children were witness to all of this, however they weren't totally sure of the charge. The police wouldn't tell me what the charge was but I knew.
After 12 hours of pure hell he was sent home. No charge or caution - just a warning. This has been explained by the police that brought him home so I know it's the truth. He had been talking to a child under the age of 13 in a sexual manor. No images were sent, and no intent to meet. I don't want to know the nature of the conversation.
I had been told I needed to keep an eye on my husband as he was suicidal, rightly or wrongly I was just so relieved to have him home, and I feel that he has got some real issues that he needs help with. The fact that I still love him and want to work through this is making me feel sick and question all my morals. We have been together for 23 years and I never imagined he could do something like this, it's like I'm living with two different men, but when things get tough, he's the one I need. I'm so conflicted.
I have even protected him to family who knew about the arrest, playing it down that he accidentally got caught talking to a minor, he realised and stopped straight away but had to be investigated. I just can't stand the thought of people judging him, but now I'm judging myself, what kind of person am I?
He is currently off work feeling very sorry for himself. I have so many worries. Is he sorry because he got caught or is he genuinely ashamed?
This seems like it has devolved - will it get worse? Will he do it again?
He is answering every question I ask and appears to be being totally honest with me now but who knows?
I am at absolute rock bottom and don't know where to turn. If anyone can offer any advice, suggestions of where I or we can get specialist councilling (willing to pay) anything anyone can recommend I would be so grateful, I just don't know where to go from here.
Thank you for taking the time to read this.
I have, on many occasions caught my husband chatting to women online (I've checked 3 times, and caught him every time). The last time I checked was in 2017 when I caught him talking to a "16" year old girl (I'm not sure if she may have been younger, none of the conversations I read were sexual). I hit the roof, but possibly stupidly worked through it for the sake of my family (I am now 40, husband 48 and two teenage children). I haven't had the guts to check his phones since this due to fear of what I might find. I have always had a gut feeling he has still been online chatting and even voiced my fears that he may be engaging with minors. He assured me this wasn't the case.
last week the knock came at 3:30am. He was arrested and all electronic devices ceased. My two teenage children were witness to all of this, however they weren't totally sure of the charge. The police wouldn't tell me what the charge was but I knew.
After 12 hours of pure hell he was sent home. No charge or caution - just a warning. This has been explained by the police that brought him home so I know it's the truth. He had been talking to a child under the age of 13 in a sexual manor. No images were sent, and no intent to meet. I don't want to know the nature of the conversation.
I had been told I needed to keep an eye on my husband as he was suicidal, rightly or wrongly I was just so relieved to have him home, and I feel that he has got some real issues that he needs help with. The fact that I still love him and want to work through this is making me feel sick and question all my morals. We have been together for 23 years and I never imagined he could do something like this, it's like I'm living with two different men, but when things get tough, he's the one I need. I'm so conflicted.
I have even protected him to family who knew about the arrest, playing it down that he accidentally got caught talking to a minor, he realised and stopped straight away but had to be investigated. I just can't stand the thought of people judging him, but now I'm judging myself, what kind of person am I?
He is currently off work feeling very sorry for himself. I have so many worries. Is he sorry because he got caught or is he genuinely ashamed?
This seems like it has devolved - will it get worse? Will he do it again?
He is answering every question I ask and appears to be being totally honest with me now but who knows?
I am at absolute rock bottom and don't know where to turn. If anyone can offer any advice, suggestions of where I or we can get specialist councilling (willing to pay) anything anyone can recommend I would be so grateful, I just don't know where to go from here.
Thank you for taking the time to read this.
Hey Highlyanxious it's a appropriate user name and I know exactly how you feel. I am not too good with advice but didn't want your post to get lost. You will find it here on the forum. I'm six months in since the knock and still haven't told any of my friends or family. I wouldn't recommend this isolation as I'm really struggling with this now. I'd recommend calling the helpline and talking to a sympathetic gp confide in a person you can trust . This forum has been my lifeline and there are some amazing women with great advice. Work has also been a saviour and so had lockdown. I've cut my husband adrift for abit . I know he is mentally unwell and on his knees with remorse but I didn't ask for this. I've been more than supportive and worrying about everyone and everything - him, kids, finances, reprisals, the future but I've been neglecting myself so please do try to think about yourself first and foremost / keep up your strength.
We all seem to be in the same boat here my love, the only differences between us may be how rough the sea is.
The common factor seems to be how we all, as wives / partners end up questioning our own morality if we choose to try to keep our families together.
I am currently at the stage where I have caught my husband viewing images / videos of pubescent girls. Thus far thank goodness there has been no police involvement. In a way I wish there had been? Now I feel as if the burden of responsibility for this lays on my shoulders, particularly if he hasn't listened to my warning that I will leave him and expose him to the police if I find any more of it but goes further with it anyway.
My husband suffers with what I believe to be low self esteem, hence the 'attraction' to teenage girls. That only 'explains' it, it doesn't however 'excuse' it. I called my husband out as a potential peadophile, he was horrified and denied it. I had to explain to him that this is what he will be labelled should he get caught by the authorities. Sometimes these guys get lost in these fantasies that the internet can provide. A place where they can become someone else? They forget their moral compasses and that all our internet activities are very closely monitored by the authorities.
My husband became addicted to internet porn several years ago. He said that there is so much stuff out there that he got carried deeper and deeper as he became more desensitized to the mainstream stuff. I mentioned this to my own counsellor and she agreed that this is a common reason so many guys end up in trouble.
You and Ihave given our partners a chance. That is the fair thing to do. It is up to him now whether to take that opportunity to sort himself out. I have told mine that I will also be watching his activities for a time and if I even suspect a repeat I am done and I will take my concern to the authorities myself.
Be kind, try to understand and help him to correct his behaviour but be strong enough to say goodbye if he repeats it.
Much love.
The common factor seems to be how we all, as wives / partners end up questioning our own morality if we choose to try to keep our families together.
I am currently at the stage where I have caught my husband viewing images / videos of pubescent girls. Thus far thank goodness there has been no police involvement. In a way I wish there had been? Now I feel as if the burden of responsibility for this lays on my shoulders, particularly if he hasn't listened to my warning that I will leave him and expose him to the police if I find any more of it but goes further with it anyway.
My husband suffers with what I believe to be low self esteem, hence the 'attraction' to teenage girls. That only 'explains' it, it doesn't however 'excuse' it. I called my husband out as a potential peadophile, he was horrified and denied it. I had to explain to him that this is what he will be labelled should he get caught by the authorities. Sometimes these guys get lost in these fantasies that the internet can provide. A place where they can become someone else? They forget their moral compasses and that all our internet activities are very closely monitored by the authorities.
My husband became addicted to internet porn several years ago. He said that there is so much stuff out there that he got carried deeper and deeper as he became more desensitized to the mainstream stuff. I mentioned this to my own counsellor and she agreed that this is a common reason so many guys end up in trouble.
You and Ihave given our partners a chance. That is the fair thing to do. It is up to him now whether to take that opportunity to sort himself out. I have told mine that I will also be watching his activities for a time and if I even suspect a repeat I am done and I will take my concern to the authorities myself.
Be kind, try to understand and help him to correct his behaviour but be strong enough to say goodbye if he repeats it.
Much love.
I just noticed another common denominator 'he's off work at the moment'. That's where the trouble started in my house. ????
Hi Highlyanxious, I'm so sorry that you're going through this. If you can, please please get him to go to a therapist, one recommended by StopSO as they need to be familiar with this area, and know the questions to ask, before he gets further into this.
I found out that my husband was chatting to and older teen, in 2013. I was devastated. There was no sex talk, instead it was an emotional conversation, to someone he had never met! He told her he loved her! I googled and found the label of this behaviour as an emotional affair. Our long and happy marriage nearly ended as a result of that. He promised me he'd stop, deleted his Facebook account. I asked him to go to therapy, but he said he didn't need to. He'd sorted it.
How I wish I had insisted on it! Fast forward to 2019 when he was stung by vigilantes and live streamed!!! He had had difficulty giving up his crutch of chat with strangers, so had carried on when he was stressed. Instead of talking of his feelings he self soothed with on line behaviour, which escalated! It was an addiction.
With therapy he now understands that he suffered emotional abuse and neglect as a child. He never learnt how to express his true emotions and communicate his feelings. He was taught to be quiet abs accept his lot without complaint. He has a toxic family and went through a lot of horrible situations and at the same time was being bullied by his boss. I was pushing him to sort it out, as he wouldn't allow me to deal with his family, he said he'd sort it his way...well he didn't and wouldn't, and went on line and escalated his chat. He has now been charged for a very sexual conversation and arranging to meet a 13 year old who was actually a decoy!!! There are many wicked people on line who prey on vulnerable people.......He needs to understand why he did what he did and learn how to not do it again.
I wish you all the luck. I really feel for you. I remember the heartbreak of 2013. But it was nothing compared to the devastation of 2019. So please don't let it happen to you!
Xx
I found out that my husband was chatting to and older teen, in 2013. I was devastated. There was no sex talk, instead it was an emotional conversation, to someone he had never met! He told her he loved her! I googled and found the label of this behaviour as an emotional affair. Our long and happy marriage nearly ended as a result of that. He promised me he'd stop, deleted his Facebook account. I asked him to go to therapy, but he said he didn't need to. He'd sorted it.
How I wish I had insisted on it! Fast forward to 2019 when he was stung by vigilantes and live streamed!!! He had had difficulty giving up his crutch of chat with strangers, so had carried on when he was stressed. Instead of talking of his feelings he self soothed with on line behaviour, which escalated! It was an addiction.
With therapy he now understands that he suffered emotional abuse and neglect as a child. He never learnt how to express his true emotions and communicate his feelings. He was taught to be quiet abs accept his lot without complaint. He has a toxic family and went through a lot of horrible situations and at the same time was being bullied by his boss. I was pushing him to sort it out, as he wouldn't allow me to deal with his family, he said he'd sort it his way...well he didn't and wouldn't, and went on line and escalated his chat. He has now been charged for a very sexual conversation and arranging to meet a 13 year old who was actually a decoy!!! There are many wicked people on line who prey on vulnerable people.......He needs to understand why he did what he did and learn how to not do it again.
I wish you all the luck. I really feel for you. I remember the heartbreak of 2013. But it was nothing compared to the devastation of 2019. So please don't let it happen to you!
Xx
Oh my goodness I'm sat here crying and overwhelmed by the replies and the support and understanding from the replies. You are all so very kind and can't imagine how much you have helped me feel like I am not alone in all of this!! Honestly from the bottom of my currently very heavy heart - thank you so much.
My emotions are all over the place. He dropped the bombshell today that HR called and insisted he tell them what the arrest was for. I now have the worry of him losing his job. Also my teenage children are refusing to go to school and I am pretty sure that the school will be on my back too in the near future. I'm just not sure how much more stress I can cope with. I'm still working (from home) but struggling with this too. I feel like my life has ended in one day and it's through nothing I could have controlled - maybe I am to blame for his actions I just don't know.
I just can't understand when they know that all of this may be a possibility why they do it? Do they not think about us at all?
Again you guys are fantastic and I think you may become my lifeline through all of this. Thank you again xx
My emotions are all over the place. He dropped the bombshell today that HR called and insisted he tell them what the arrest was for. I now have the worry of him losing his job. Also my teenage children are refusing to go to school and I am pretty sure that the school will be on my back too in the near future. I'm just not sure how much more stress I can cope with. I'm still working (from home) but struggling with this too. I feel like my life has ended in one day and it's through nothing I could have controlled - maybe I am to blame for his actions I just don't know.
I just can't understand when they know that all of this may be a possibility why they do it? Do they not think about us at all?
Again you guys are fantastic and I think you may become my lifeline through all of this. Thank you again xx
This is a great safe space to offload and share your worries, so keep coming back.
I really want to tell you that this is in no way your fault!!! I struggled with this, and had to have therapy to help me deal with the whole terrible situation. Our partners are adults and are responsible for their actions. They crossed the line. For them, I think, they don't see it as reality, and they are very good at hiding things. That's what addicts do very very well.
The helpline are great to talk to, when you can get through. I have cried and cried down the phone to them, they understand! Read through old posts, there are recommendations for reading, on line courses, and videos. I had to try to understand why he did what he did, which has helped me understand that it was nothing to do with me. xxx
I really want to tell you that this is in no way your fault!!! I struggled with this, and had to have therapy to help me deal with the whole terrible situation. Our partners are adults and are responsible for their actions. They crossed the line. For them, I think, they don't see it as reality, and they are very good at hiding things. That's what addicts do very very well.
The helpline are great to talk to, when you can get through. I have cried and cried down the phone to them, they understand! Read through old posts, there are recommendations for reading, on line courses, and videos. I had to try to understand why he did what he did, which has helped me understand that it was nothing to do with me. xxx
Also I want to say that we have all been in the early stages of this where we were overwhelmed, devastated and confused. We all found kind people on here who helped us, and continue to do so, so we do all try to support when we can. It is so important to communicate with people that truly do understand. It's a world that we knew nothing about until it hit us!x