Explaining to your children
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I had the knock on the door 2 years ago
my boy was 4 and see it all. I stopped
Contact and I am struggling to explain why
why he cant see his dad.
my boy was 4 and see it all. I stopped
Contact and I am struggling to explain why
why he cant see his dad.
Post deleted by user
Thank you. It is really hard especially when they are so young, and it’s their whole childhood that it is going to affect. X
My partner has not been charged, but my kids are on a child protection plan. I really don’t know what to say to them now the social worker will be coming every 2 weeks. My partner is still at home. I don’t want to scare them and my partner may not be charged (police currently don’t have evidence they can use) but then again he may be. Any ideas anyone?
Thank you for your help.
It’s so hard I have now said daddy broke the rules and it’s not safe.
my son replied what rules did he break I said that he will have to wait until he is older as he is too young to understand (7). His dad will be on the register until my son is 17.
They just ruin the kids lives and everyone around them.
It doesn’t help when they have been charged and sentenced and still deny what they have done.
Thats why I won’t let him see him. I am scared it could happen all over again.
xx
It’s so hard I have now said daddy broke the rules and it’s not safe.
my son replied what rules did he break I said that he will have to wait until he is older as he is too young to understand (7). His dad will be on the register until my son is 17.
They just ruin the kids lives and everyone around them.
It doesn’t help when they have been charged and sentenced and still deny what they have done.
Thats why I won’t let him see him. I am scared it could happen all over again.
xx
Post deleted by user
Hi jj and poster.
your perspectives are so enlightening,
my ex husband is still struggling to acknowledge that he did something wrong to the extent he will loose everything. I am reassured that mine is. It the only one who hasn’t used hitting rock bottom to really respond to the underlying issues.
For me not wanting to evaluate himself is a bigger deal than the police coming.
You all sound like your doing a wonderful job with your children. My daughter doesn’t understand but she knows I am being civil and will not speak negatively about my partner in front of her. Aside from the secret life and denial of his demons. He was a good father. He always had time to play with her and helped massively in her early years when I was working.
I will take her lead I. The future trying to answer questions with honesty but at a child centred level. She knows we are visited by the social worker as he works with children who can’t live with their daddy’s. I have told her daddy did something wrong that he is getting support with. ( well he should be)
she also knows we are not going to live together again even if daddy gets support as initially she was asking when he would come home.
i think I am being reasonable supporting contact twice a week for two hours each. This may actually reduce when he gets his life together and finds employment again,
My daughter social worker seems happy for me to take the lead on contact.
I do do think if he wanted more he would need to request it in a fair way. I am not going to up it just because he wants too.
your right that the offence makes it more difficult. As their needs to be a supervising adult. It’s a lot note complicated than a weekend father. Though a positive is I will always get to spend Christmas and birthdays with my daughter. It’s his loss that he can’t have her by himself over a weekend or even go on holidays with her. I can see in a way why he feels the situation is so unfair but I wasn’t participating in illegal activity on line.
All the best every one. So nice to know I am not alone.
your perspectives are so enlightening,
my ex husband is still struggling to acknowledge that he did something wrong to the extent he will loose everything. I am reassured that mine is. It the only one who hasn’t used hitting rock bottom to really respond to the underlying issues.
For me not wanting to evaluate himself is a bigger deal than the police coming.
You all sound like your doing a wonderful job with your children. My daughter doesn’t understand but she knows I am being civil and will not speak negatively about my partner in front of her. Aside from the secret life and denial of his demons. He was a good father. He always had time to play with her and helped massively in her early years when I was working.
I will take her lead I. The future trying to answer questions with honesty but at a child centred level. She knows we are visited by the social worker as he works with children who can’t live with their daddy’s. I have told her daddy did something wrong that he is getting support with. ( well he should be)
she also knows we are not going to live together again even if daddy gets support as initially she was asking when he would come home.
i think I am being reasonable supporting contact twice a week for two hours each. This may actually reduce when he gets his life together and finds employment again,
My daughter social worker seems happy for me to take the lead on contact.
I do do think if he wanted more he would need to request it in a fair way. I am not going to up it just because he wants too.
your right that the offence makes it more difficult. As their needs to be a supervising adult. It’s a lot note complicated than a weekend father. Though a positive is I will always get to spend Christmas and birthdays with my daughter. It’s his loss that he can’t have her by himself over a weekend or even go on holidays with her. I can see in a way why he feels the situation is so unfair but I wasn’t participating in illegal activity on line.
All the best every one. So nice to know I am not alone.
My social worker insisted I tell the children. I spoke to the helpline and was told not to if I didn't want to. They were 4 and 6 and my social worker was just downright awful. Thankfully she left and our new one was amazing.
With help from the helpline I simply said "daddy has done something naughty on the computer and got in trouble, now we have rules to follow" the rules were our protection plan, supervision and our legal order. They never asked what he done they just accepted that. I know the day will come where they will want to know more but not just yet.
Social work organised an advocate for my kids from Barnardos it may be worth asking about one?
With help from the helpline I simply said "daddy has done something naughty on the computer and got in trouble, now we have rules to follow" the rules were our protection plan, supervision and our legal order. They never asked what he done they just accepted that. I know the day will come where they will want to know more but not just yet.
Social work organised an advocate for my kids from Barnardos it may be worth asking about one?
To be able to meet up would be fabulous. To see there are in fact others. As much as we know there are it still doesn't feel like it at times does it?
We have been in good contact with Stop It Now and they advised us of the best places to move to, had we lived there originally the sentence wouldn't be as harsh. We live in an area where the guidelines are the most extreme. Any other area and it wouldn't be classed as newsworthy.
Children are amazing creatures, they just batter on with it. We hurt for them, my 10 year old still talks how dad wasnt around for her 7th birthday. He was in prison but as it was such a short time in prison it was decided they were told he was away working. Fortunately with his career he was often away for 24 hours at a time, it usually coincided with bedtime so they could go a week without seeing him.
We have been in good contact with Stop It Now and they advised us of the best places to move to, had we lived there originally the sentence wouldn't be as harsh. We live in an area where the guidelines are the most extreme. Any other area and it wouldn't be classed as newsworthy.
Children are amazing creatures, they just batter on with it. We hurt for them, my 10 year old still talks how dad wasnt around for her 7th birthday. He was in prison but as it was such a short time in prison it was decided they were told he was away working. Fortunately with his career he was often away for 24 hours at a time, it usually coincided with bedtime so they could go a week without seeing him.
Big Sigh what does the social worker say to your children when she visits them? Remind me how old they are?
Just a general observation. I realise that men will deny and minimise but please think about what you say when commenting about people must be guilty because the police have arrested them. Yes it’s probably likely but many men have had charges dropped or been found not guilty in court. Arrest doesn’t automatically presume guilt, that’s the dogma of ‘no smoke without fire’ brigade. A group of people who cause so much damage and adds to the confirmation bias that’s rife in both this type of crime and sex crimes generally. This is a very complicated area of law, not as simplistic as we are led to believe. I suggest you read Fit or Fitted up? by Faith Clifford. There is black and white yes but many, many shades of grey in between.
Some men are clearly guilty, some, despite the shadow of public disgust are not.
Just a general observation. I realise that men will deny and minimise but please think about what you say when commenting about people must be guilty because the police have arrested them. Yes it’s probably likely but many men have had charges dropped or been found not guilty in court. Arrest doesn’t automatically presume guilt, that’s the dogma of ‘no smoke without fire’ brigade. A group of people who cause so much damage and adds to the confirmation bias that’s rife in both this type of crime and sex crimes generally. This is a very complicated area of law, not as simplistic as we are led to believe. I suggest you read Fit or Fitted up? by Faith Clifford. There is black and white yes but many, many shades of grey in between.
Some men are clearly guilty, some, despite the shadow of public disgust are not.
Hi Jaded
the Sw thing is a joke at the moment - internal squabbling in CS means the right hand doesn’t know what the left hand is doing and they not keeping to their timescales or doing any of their actions. At the moment I am just saying to kids that SW just checking we are OK. There are a couple of reasons why the kids are accepting this but afraid I can’t put more detail in this forum in case it identifies me. I told last SW that I am not telling kids and she asked why not - I said that there is nothing to tell them at the moment - he hasn’t been charged, let alone found guilty so I asked her what there was to tell them. He is still at home, I am just not leaving him alone with kids spans they haven’t noticed at all. I have told CS that he takes them in community as I deem the risk to be extremely small. They seem to have accepted that. My eldest knows everything as he was there for search and is not far off being adult.
the Sw thing is a joke at the moment - internal squabbling in CS means the right hand doesn’t know what the left hand is doing and they not keeping to their timescales or doing any of their actions. At the moment I am just saying to kids that SW just checking we are OK. There are a couple of reasons why the kids are accepting this but afraid I can’t put more detail in this forum in case it identifies me. I told last SW that I am not telling kids and she asked why not - I said that there is nothing to tell them at the moment - he hasn’t been charged, let alone found guilty so I asked her what there was to tell them. He is still at home, I am just not leaving him alone with kids spans they haven’t noticed at all. I have told CS that he takes them in community as I deem the risk to be extremely small. They seem to have accepted that. My eldest knows everything as he was there for search and is not far off being adult.