When it's your Dad...
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"The Knock" happened 18 months ago although I didn't live with him at the time. We were all called immediately to one house so we could be told directly before it got to us by any other means.
He, of course, was full of tears, apologies, telling us it was one mistake and trying to hug us.
He maintained that it was minor and a one-off accident for the 12 months it took to get to court. Until we found out by other means what the charges were. He only then admitted to them once I insisted that if he didn't tell us we would attend court to find out.
He got a suspended sentence and community service but I can't help but feel that's unjust. I recall seeing a picture of this nature by accident on his computer over a decade ago - which will be long gone when the police investigated so will be unaware of just how long it's been going on. It happened so long ago I don't think I really knew what I was seeing and as I got older it got blurred from my memory.
Unfortunately there was also press coverage in at least 4 local papers, with pictures. We have an unusual surname and we've lived locally for a long time, I don't look very dissimilar from my dad. Although no one I know has mentioned seeing it.
Since he got sentenced I haven't felt any genuine remorse in my conversations with him, other than the lip service kind. He can turn on the tears and frequently acts a victim of hard done by.
That's the back story I guess... 6 months later, I'm just struggling to understand how I feel about it.
Some of the things playing on my mind recently:
We were going girls when I found the pictures of young girls, how does that mean he viewed us?
Why when he was looking at other young girls did he not have the thought process "how would I feel if that was my daughter?"
He doesn't seem to see wrong with what he did, only sorry he got caught.
He's acting like he's being victimised by our lack of contact with him and often sends messages to that effect or similar to make us feel guilty.
I've successful in my job and he will often complain how difficult it is to get work and to make ends meet, often making me feel guilty for not offering to help him with money.
If this was happening to anyone else, I would question why they would maintain contact with someone who had done it. But as he is my father I feel an obligation to try.
I feel guilty if I don't contact him but when I contact him he just makes me feel angry.
I just don't know how I really feel about it, whether I'm speaking to him out of sympathy and a feeling of obligation, whether I should try and be there.
I feel for everyone else also going through the recovery of this. We didn't ask or cause any of this but still have to deal with the fallout. It's a trying time. Still, almost 2 years later.
He, of course, was full of tears, apologies, telling us it was one mistake and trying to hug us.
He maintained that it was minor and a one-off accident for the 12 months it took to get to court. Until we found out by other means what the charges were. He only then admitted to them once I insisted that if he didn't tell us we would attend court to find out.
He got a suspended sentence and community service but I can't help but feel that's unjust. I recall seeing a picture of this nature by accident on his computer over a decade ago - which will be long gone when the police investigated so will be unaware of just how long it's been going on. It happened so long ago I don't think I really knew what I was seeing and as I got older it got blurred from my memory.
Unfortunately there was also press coverage in at least 4 local papers, with pictures. We have an unusual surname and we've lived locally for a long time, I don't look very dissimilar from my dad. Although no one I know has mentioned seeing it.
Since he got sentenced I haven't felt any genuine remorse in my conversations with him, other than the lip service kind. He can turn on the tears and frequently acts a victim of hard done by.
That's the back story I guess... 6 months later, I'm just struggling to understand how I feel about it.
Some of the things playing on my mind recently:
We were going girls when I found the pictures of young girls, how does that mean he viewed us?
Why when he was looking at other young girls did he not have the thought process "how would I feel if that was my daughter?"
He doesn't seem to see wrong with what he did, only sorry he got caught.
He's acting like he's being victimised by our lack of contact with him and often sends messages to that effect or similar to make us feel guilty.
I've successful in my job and he will often complain how difficult it is to get work and to make ends meet, often making me feel guilty for not offering to help him with money.
If this was happening to anyone else, I would question why they would maintain contact with someone who had done it. But as he is my father I feel an obligation to try.
I feel guilty if I don't contact him but when I contact him he just makes me feel angry.
I just don't know how I really feel about it, whether I'm speaking to him out of sympathy and a feeling of obligation, whether I should try and be there.
I feel for everyone else also going through the recovery of this. We didn't ask or cause any of this but still have to deal with the fallout. It's a trying time. Still, almost 2 years later.
Hi Lozzy
I really feel for you, you must feel terribly letdown.
I do think some men don't have that remorse or see what they have done is wrong, I know my husband is definitely one of them.
You just need to stick with your gut instinct and do what you feel comfortable with.
Make sure you look after yourself, he's an adult and can sort himself out, he needs to take responsibility
Stay strong
Xx
I really feel for you, you must feel terribly letdown.
I do think some men don't have that remorse or see what they have done is wrong, I know my husband is definitely one of them.
You just need to stick with your gut instinct and do what you feel comfortable with.
Make sure you look after yourself, he's an adult and can sort himself out, he needs to take responsibility
Stay strong
Xx
Thanks so much Tracey and Poster.
I was having a particularly difficult moment when I wrote my post and actually venting was unexpectedly cathartic.
As adult daughters, myself and my siblings have found it difficult to comprehend, so I have no doubts it must be difficult for younger children. I hope yours are doing okay Poster.
The information the police have given you helps in a small way. Maybe that's something a counsellor will be able to help explore with me in more detail. I definitely want to consider having some counselling.
I find it comforting yet terrifying that there are so many people on this forum that have experienced this though!
I really appreciate both your replies! And I really think it is a recovery process. We will be okay in the end, we just might need a bit of time and help to get there!
xx
I was having a particularly difficult moment when I wrote my post and actually venting was unexpectedly cathartic.
As adult daughters, myself and my siblings have found it difficult to comprehend, so I have no doubts it must be difficult for younger children. I hope yours are doing okay Poster.
The information the police have given you helps in a small way. Maybe that's something a counsellor will be able to help explore with me in more detail. I definitely want to consider having some counselling.
I find it comforting yet terrifying that there are so many people on this forum that have experienced this though!
I really appreciate both your replies! And I really think it is a recovery process. We will be okay in the end, we just might need a bit of time and help to get there!
xx