***Advice for NEW members on surviving those early days***
Notifications OFF
Hi, I presume that you've now found yourself in the place where nobody wants to be, as do we.
Your partner / family member has been arrested for an online sexual offence against children, you are probably feeling like a bomb has been dropped on your life... Your whole world has been shattered.
We have all been there!
This post is to enable those of us who are further into this traumatic journey to share advice and guidance on how to get through each day and what to expect.
9 months after my husband's arrest / the knock, these are my tips...
1. Be kind to yourself. Your whole world has been shattered.. Its OK to feel however you do.... You will be an emotional roller coaster for a good while.
2. Seek support - from the forum, lff helpline, family and friends if you can, your gp and if possible counselling. I had a 24 hour helpline I could use through work. It was a godsend.
3. Don't allow others to tell you how to feel.
You may hear the P word banded about willy nilly... Thats not always the case... Don't make assumptions...
This offence is very complex. Society is extremely opinionated and judgemental about this offence. Try to understand how your family member may have fell down that rabbit hole.THe choice of whether you support them or not is your choice nobody else's.
4. Don't make any rash decisions. You will probably go into fight or flight mode, so don't do anything hasty. You will have time. Investigations can take between a couple of months and a couple of years to conclude so give yourself time.
5. Self care - hot bubble baths, writing your thoughts in a journal, meditation and breathing exercise will all help calm your central nervous system and build your inner strength and resilience.
6. Understanding takes time. Your loved one will probably be in such a state and now has to unpick how they ended up down that rabbit hole. It may take a while to get your answers.
7. Social services will get involved if you have children so expect to be spoken to or visited by them. Keep an open mind about the offence. They are quick to accuse people of minimising or being in denial.
8. Knowledge is power. The amazing warrior women on this and the stop so forum have been through everything you can imagine... Listen to their advice, guidance and support. However... Every case is different and there is very little consistency at how this is dealt with by police, social services etc so try not to compare your family members case to others.
9. Unless it's a vigilante sting then the only people who know for now are those you have told. At first I felt like it was tattooed to my forehead. It wasn't and it isn't to yours either. Not every case hits the media and if it does it won't be until court which is way down the line so as above... Don't do anything hasty.
10. None of this is your fault. Your loved one was offending without your knowledge and hiding it well.
11. Knowledge is power. Take your time to understand this offence and your partner / family member and keep an open mind as more revelations could come along further down the line. This is not black and white.
12. You will get through this. You will build resillence you didn't know was possible. I remember those early days I felt like I was in the middle of a maze with brick walls all around me... You will slowly knock down these walls.
13.Seek support whenever you need it yet don't let this define you. You are still you.
14. Consider and speak to the helpline about the inform course. This will help you to understand every aspect of this. You will also meet an amazing group of women going through similar journeys... You are encouraged to keep in touch and swap numbers etc so you really will feel less alone.
I hope that helps.
I hope other women also share their hints and tips for surviving those early days.
Sending you lots of love and strength Xxxx
Your partner / family member has been arrested for an online sexual offence against children, you are probably feeling like a bomb has been dropped on your life... Your whole world has been shattered.
We have all been there!
This post is to enable those of us who are further into this traumatic journey to share advice and guidance on how to get through each day and what to expect.
9 months after my husband's arrest / the knock, these are my tips...
1. Be kind to yourself. Your whole world has been shattered.. Its OK to feel however you do.... You will be an emotional roller coaster for a good while.
2. Seek support - from the forum, lff helpline, family and friends if you can, your gp and if possible counselling. I had a 24 hour helpline I could use through work. It was a godsend.
3. Don't allow others to tell you how to feel.
You may hear the P word banded about willy nilly... Thats not always the case... Don't make assumptions...
This offence is very complex. Society is extremely opinionated and judgemental about this offence. Try to understand how your family member may have fell down that rabbit hole.THe choice of whether you support them or not is your choice nobody else's.
4. Don't make any rash decisions. You will probably go into fight or flight mode, so don't do anything hasty. You will have time. Investigations can take between a couple of months and a couple of years to conclude so give yourself time.
5. Self care - hot bubble baths, writing your thoughts in a journal, meditation and breathing exercise will all help calm your central nervous system and build your inner strength and resilience.
6. Understanding takes time. Your loved one will probably be in such a state and now has to unpick how they ended up down that rabbit hole. It may take a while to get your answers.
7. Social services will get involved if you have children so expect to be spoken to or visited by them. Keep an open mind about the offence. They are quick to accuse people of minimising or being in denial.
8. Knowledge is power. The amazing warrior women on this and the stop so forum have been through everything you can imagine... Listen to their advice, guidance and support. However... Every case is different and there is very little consistency at how this is dealt with by police, social services etc so try not to compare your family members case to others.
9. Unless it's a vigilante sting then the only people who know for now are those you have told. At first I felt like it was tattooed to my forehead. It wasn't and it isn't to yours either. Not every case hits the media and if it does it won't be until court which is way down the line so as above... Don't do anything hasty.
10. None of this is your fault. Your loved one was offending without your knowledge and hiding it well.
11. Knowledge is power. Take your time to understand this offence and your partner / family member and keep an open mind as more revelations could come along further down the line. This is not black and white.
12. You will get through this. You will build resillence you didn't know was possible. I remember those early days I felt like I was in the middle of a maze with brick walls all around me... You will slowly knock down these walls.
13.Seek support whenever you need it yet don't let this define you. You are still you.
14. Consider and speak to the helpline about the inform course. This will help you to understand every aspect of this. You will also meet an amazing group of women going through similar journeys... You are encouraged to keep in touch and swap numbers etc so you really will feel less alone.
I hope that helps.
I hope other women also share their hints and tips for surviving those early days.
Sending you lots of love and strength Xxxx
Brilliant post!!
I would add,
- allow yourself to grieve. Regardless of whether you stay and support or leave, you will be grieving the loss of the life you had. And that's ok. Cry and scream and shout. Let it all out.
- seek help with the trauma. I found a great free on line course, it helped me enormously.
- allow yourself to be vulnerable. It is actually powerful.
We are here for you. xx
I would add,
- allow yourself to grieve. Regardless of whether you stay and support or leave, you will be grieving the loss of the life you had. And that's ok. Cry and scream and shout. Let it all out.
- seek help with the trauma. I found a great free on line course, it helped me enormously.
- allow yourself to be vulnerable. It is actually powerful.
We are here for you. xx
very wise words from everyone. This forum has certainly helped me except what has happened and to realise I am not alone.
thank you everyone for your continuing support
thank you everyone for your continuing support
Post deleted by user
All very good advice... You are not alone and you will find support here. It will be a hard journey whether you choose to stay and support your partner or leave. No decisions you make now have to be be forever just do what is right for you now.
When you get through this you will be amazed at your strength, yes you will have good days and bad days just keep talking to people who can support you and distance yourself from the people who tell you what you should do, until they go through this themselves they will never under the decisions you make.
My best advice would be get on an inform plus group. You won't be judged, just supported
Stay strong, take good care of youself and you will get through this and you will look back and see how far you have come.
Take care, keep talking and we will see you on the other side x
When you get through this you will be amazed at your strength, yes you will have good days and bad days just keep talking to people who can support you and distance yourself from the people who tell you what you should do, until they go through this themselves they will never under the decisions you make.
My best advice would be get on an inform plus group. You won't be judged, just supported
Stay strong, take good care of youself and you will get through this and you will look back and see how far you have come.
Take care, keep talking and we will see you on the other side x
Post deleted by user
Hi Yellowhouse. It's on a site bloomforwomen called 'healing trauma from sexual betrayal' There are lots of other good courses on there too. it's an American site.x
Thank-you , this honestly means so much to hear things like this and brings tears to my eyes. Myself, and I'm sure many others will be so grateful for this because the beginning of this journey really is so difficult to navigate! I don't know what I would do without this forum Xx
You are allowed to be angry, your allowed to be sad..
The choice to stay is yours as is the choice to leave.
We chose to tell no one,not because we were ashamed,but because it was our business..2yrs in and we've still kept it to ourselves..only a few close family know and they have never judged.
Your allowed to grieve for the life you had
Your allowed to look to the life you now must have
You learn to keep your guard up and you learn to keep it forever to your chest
Learn to trust only those you feel you truly can
Don't hide away
Read and drink tea and coffee :-)
It will get better
If partners and husbands aren't home yet,then remember these words that a very wise woman ( my mum) always said to me " All Good Things Come To Those Who Wait"
Xxx
The choice to stay is yours as is the choice to leave.
We chose to tell no one,not because we were ashamed,but because it was our business..2yrs in and we've still kept it to ourselves..only a few close family know and they have never judged.
Your allowed to grieve for the life you had
Your allowed to look to the life you now must have
You learn to keep your guard up and you learn to keep it forever to your chest
Learn to trust only those you feel you truly can
Don't hide away
Read and drink tea and coffee :-)
It will get better
If partners and husbands aren't home yet,then remember these words that a very wise woman ( my mum) always said to me " All Good Things Come To Those Who Wait"
Xxx
Great to see others adding to this. So glad to read that this is helping others.
I have never felt so alone in those early days... Torn between loving my amazing husband and hating what he had done... With my family telling me I will get over him.. After 20 years... Like I could just switch off my emotions overnight... Like I have to!! Xx
I have never felt so alone in those early days... Torn between loving my amazing husband and hating what he had done... With my family telling me I will get over him.. After 20 years... Like I could just switch off my emotions overnight... Like I have to!! Xx
Rainbow girl
No one can expect you to just switch off your feelings..
They've never lived in your shoes!!
From the very beginning, the very few people that knew our story including social services were told that if I was going to be expected to walk away, then they amd everyone else would be waiting for a very long time because I wasn't going to do it.
I made the decision to stay and support my husband and those that know may always be asking why??
The answer is quite simple..I love him and I'm not prepared to throw away and turn my back on him at at a time when he needs me and my support and understanding for something that he was lured into by going on a chat site caused by curiosity and others speaking about it..
He never dreamed that there were people on it who weren't genuine
He never dreamed that by simply chatting about his own similar musical interests with people that our whole life would be ripped apart.
People will say I'm making excuses for him and say I choose to believe him because we are married but in all the years we've been together, nothing has ever come to light to suggest that he was what some Will now call him a 'P'
Hes far from being that..
I truly believe that you know from the beginning if a person is that 'P' word. He never just woke up one day and decided that's what he was.
For him now the damage has been done, but we can and will get through this no matter how long it takes
Xxx
No one can expect you to just switch off your feelings..
They've never lived in your shoes!!
From the very beginning, the very few people that knew our story including social services were told that if I was going to be expected to walk away, then they amd everyone else would be waiting for a very long time because I wasn't going to do it.
I made the decision to stay and support my husband and those that know may always be asking why??
The answer is quite simple..I love him and I'm not prepared to throw away and turn my back on him at at a time when he needs me and my support and understanding for something that he was lured into by going on a chat site caused by curiosity and others speaking about it..
He never dreamed that there were people on it who weren't genuine
He never dreamed that by simply chatting about his own similar musical interests with people that our whole life would be ripped apart.
People will say I'm making excuses for him and say I choose to believe him because we are married but in all the years we've been together, nothing has ever come to light to suggest that he was what some Will now call him a 'P'
Hes far from being that..
I truly believe that you know from the beginning if a person is that 'P' word. He never just woke up one day and decided that's what he was.
For him now the damage has been done, but we can and will get through this no matter how long it takes
Xxx
Thank you so much for this. The guilt I feel is tremendous. It is the guilt that I could of prevented it, the guilt of doing the right thing for our children, the guilt of allowing him to stay at home, the guilt of knowing that I love him and yet hate him
I know this post is a bit old now so it may be that nobody sees this reply.
I just wanted to say I have come to this forum a few times over the last year but only recently had the courage to post. This afternoon it has been a real comfort for me. I appreciate all you amazing women so much, also as I am very young (was 19 when I found it all, wow what a crazy thought!... feels like what should be my best years have been taken from me), and from the situations most of you described you are/were married women, it really feels like you are all so wise!! So thank you!
p.s I read this book when I was little called 'Walk Two Moons' and a big line in it was 'never judge a man until you have walked two moons in his moccasins' ... basically don't judge someone until you have been in their shoes
I just wanted to say I have come to this forum a few times over the last year but only recently had the courage to post. This afternoon it has been a real comfort for me. I appreciate all you amazing women so much, also as I am very young (was 19 when I found it all, wow what a crazy thought!... feels like what should be my best years have been taken from me), and from the situations most of you described you are/were married women, it really feels like you are all so wise!! So thank you!
p.s I read this book when I was little called 'Walk Two Moons' and a big line in it was 'never judge a man until you have walked two moons in his moccasins' ... basically don't judge someone until you have been in their shoes
Oh rainbow what a post.
Iv noticed the growing number of new people on the daily coming here and here's hoping these guiding words may just help someone starting on this journey.
I think it was you who said just take it one day at a time and that was the best advice I could of heard. I kept living in the future what if what if and I wasn't present at all. By repeating those words it helped me tremendously and reduced anxiety.
My advice I would like to add here is you will develop a resilience you never knew you had. I used to get so stressed over things little things and after what iv just been through I'm like sod it no big deal is it?! In the grand scheme of things! I also would like to add and this was my decision to was to be completely sober during all of this. I wanted to feel what I had to feel at the time in order to not be hit with it months later. My Councillor said that was a very commendable thing to do, but I didn't want to have it hit me later on. I'm not saying I'm advising you to give up your glass of wine, if that helps you unwind great! I just know it fuels my anxiety.
Finally my last contribution to this post is to appreciate anything good you can find out of your day. Whether it be a smile walking past someone, good weather, finding a pound, a good episode on TV, a piece of cake, a chat with a friend, whatever it is. This is your day, your life, their mistake, their crime. You have to still live and function through all of this, the best you can.
Wishing those on this journey the best of luck moving forward xxx
Iv noticed the growing number of new people on the daily coming here and here's hoping these guiding words may just help someone starting on this journey.
I think it was you who said just take it one day at a time and that was the best advice I could of heard. I kept living in the future what if what if and I wasn't present at all. By repeating those words it helped me tremendously and reduced anxiety.
My advice I would like to add here is you will develop a resilience you never knew you had. I used to get so stressed over things little things and after what iv just been through I'm like sod it no big deal is it?! In the grand scheme of things! I also would like to add and this was my decision to was to be completely sober during all of this. I wanted to feel what I had to feel at the time in order to not be hit with it months later. My Councillor said that was a very commendable thing to do, but I didn't want to have it hit me later on. I'm not saying I'm advising you to give up your glass of wine, if that helps you unwind great! I just know it fuels my anxiety.
Finally my last contribution to this post is to appreciate anything good you can find out of your day. Whether it be a smile walking past someone, good weather, finding a pound, a good episode on TV, a piece of cake, a chat with a friend, whatever it is. This is your day, your life, their mistake, their crime. You have to still live and function through all of this, the best you can.
Wishing those on this journey the best of luck moving forward xxx
Hey Yazz,
Good to hear from you. Aww I'm glad my words helped you somewhat in those early days. The ironic thing is that now you're further on this journey than I am... As in your ex partner is sentenced... We don't even have charges yet!
Definitely great advice from you too.
I have to say I do agree with the no alcohol thing too.. I was almost scared to drink as I was scared I wouldn't stop once I started! I didn't drink until about 4 months in when I was a little more stable.
Alcohol is a depressant and makes you feel 10 times worse the next day.
I completely agree about enjoying the small things and finding pleasure where we can. I also kept a gratitude journal for a little while which I wrote in daily... It really helps to focus on some positives. I do agree that little things just don't seem to matter anymore... Things are put in perspective.
Hope others keep this post going and share their tips from their experiences xx
Good to hear from you. Aww I'm glad my words helped you somewhat in those early days. The ironic thing is that now you're further on this journey than I am... As in your ex partner is sentenced... We don't even have charges yet!
Definitely great advice from you too.
I have to say I do agree with the no alcohol thing too.. I was almost scared to drink as I was scared I wouldn't stop once I started! I didn't drink until about 4 months in when I was a little more stable.
Alcohol is a depressant and makes you feel 10 times worse the next day.
I completely agree about enjoying the small things and finding pleasure where we can. I also kept a gratitude journal for a little while which I wrote in daily... It really helps to focus on some positives. I do agree that little things just don't seem to matter anymore... Things are put in perspective.
Hope others keep this post going and share their tips from their experiences xx
Thank you for this post and all the responses. I can feel pins and needles in my fingers after reading as I haven't addressed it and got together with someone else very quickly so buried my 'grief' when I was actually devastated. I have some questions which I'll put in another post.