How are people finding the new forum
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Hi all I am feeling very lost. This forum has been vital to me as I have only trusted the information regarding the offence to two close friends. I have also left a relationship with my husband upon finding out. So obviously like you all I do really need this safe space.
however since the changes I just can’t navigate through it.
i am in my 30s so it’s not even because I am bad at technology.
Can people just give me the heads up on where they are posting. I am putting this in the general enquiries section as this is where we use to post.
i am sorry if I am the only one, but I really don’t want to give up on this forum.
however since the changes I just can’t navigate through it.
i am in my 30s so it’s not even because I am bad at technology.
Can people just give me the heads up on where they are posting. I am putting this in the general enquiries section as this is where we use to post.
i am sorry if I am the only one, but I really don’t want to give up on this forum.
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The new layout is making it hard to see new posts, i normally am fairly quick to reply but completely missed new posts at the weekend. I do like the new format for finding old posts though.
Hello, I’m one of those ladies in the background hence this is my first post.
The ‘knock’ didn’t happen for us. It was me that caught my husband in the middle of the night using my computer. A few days later, knowing what I had seen, I reported him to the police. Many has been the time that I wish I hadn’t walked in on him, or I wish that I hadn’t called them because the fallout has been beyond anything imaginable however if I hadn’t, what would have been next for him....or for the students in his care?
That was back in November and the police handed me a leaflet about Stopitnow telling me that it was the most useful leaflet of any that they could hand out....and so I phoned the helpline and started following the forum.
To say that the forum has and is invaluable is an understatement in these sad circumstances however I have been struggling with the recent changes that have been made, valuing easy access to older posts as they are totally relevant, however finding it so difficult to find current posts.
I can’t thank you all enough for being here though X
The ‘knock’ didn’t happen for us. It was me that caught my husband in the middle of the night using my computer. A few days later, knowing what I had seen, I reported him to the police. Many has been the time that I wish I hadn’t walked in on him, or I wish that I hadn’t called them because the fallout has been beyond anything imaginable however if I hadn’t, what would have been next for him....or for the students in his care?
That was back in November and the police handed me a leaflet about Stopitnow telling me that it was the most useful leaflet of any that they could hand out....and so I phoned the helpline and started following the forum.
To say that the forum has and is invaluable is an understatement in these sad circumstances however I have been struggling with the recent changes that have been made, valuing easy access to older posts as they are totally relevant, however finding it so difficult to find current posts.
I can’t thank you all enough for being here though X
I am just so greatful to know it’s not just me. I agree the new forum does look good and it’s perfect for browsing through previous posts.
I do think it needs a bit of work. Like poster says the posts from the last seven days should show up at the start.
Also to compare to other forums an email regarding someone has responded to a posting may help newer members realise they have not been forgotten.
the concern is the forum was set up to be an online source of support and it actually works best for those just browsing through.
the helpline is great but sometimes you need to talk to people who know the day to day pressures and mixed emotions.
I do think it needs a bit of work. Like poster says the posts from the last seven days should show up at the start.
Also to compare to other forums an email regarding someone has responded to a posting may help newer members realise they have not been forgotten.
the concern is the forum was set up to be an online source of support and it actually works best for those just browsing through.
the helpline is great but sometimes you need to talk to people who know the day to day pressures and mixed emotions.
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Hi Ruth, we must have posted at the same moment. Welcome to the forum. What you did was so brave of you. I know what you mean About the fall out it’s like the floor has fallen from beneath you and I am just trying to navigate the life. I never expected to have. The new forum has certainly attracted new members which is good . I just don’t want to loose the support we have in finding you all.
i am still off work by knock was just before Christmas. I don’t really open up to my friends and also don’t want to bore them going over the same things. I truly sound like a broken record. So it’s you all that get bombarded instead. Though I know you get it which is why the forum is so special. It’s like a special group of ladies whose world have been shaken up by a very sickening situation.
i am still off work by knock was just before Christmas. I don’t really open up to my friends and also don’t want to bore them going over the same things. I truly sound like a broken record. So it’s you all that get bombarded instead. Though I know you get it which is why the forum is so special. It’s like a special group of ladies whose world have been shaken up by a very sickening situation.
I’ve only just gone back to work myself having had over 2 months off sick. I have been well supported by work, to date, and have been given access promptly to CBT. This would seem great however I have found my sessions with my counsellor, an ex-social worker, upsetting more so because although she shouldn’t have an opinion, she is black and white and tells me that I should have nothing to do with my husband. I’ve actually gone back at her and told her that she just does not get that I can’t switch off love for him. My head has been trying to do all the sensible things that people offering advice would suggest however my heart has been broken and I’ve only just begun to feel changes in my feelings but overwhelmingly I feel so extremely sad and at a loss, everything we had has changed beyond and will never ever be the same again.
Yes, I may have been seemingly brave however I feel that I’m now being punished for things that I haven’t done or been involved with.
My close friend and next door neighbor who I had confided in, two weeks ago screamed at me calling me such an appalling name for even speaking to my husband. Other close friends are obviously shocked however supportive to a point.....as long as my husband and I are no longer together.
And in the middle of all this is my son, my husband’s step-son....And my ex-husband is poised to react should I decide to continue the relationship with my husband. My son comes first however I feel broken.
Yes, I may have been seemingly brave however I feel that I’m now being punished for things that I haven’t done or been involved with.
My close friend and next door neighbor who I had confided in, two weeks ago screamed at me calling me such an appalling name for even speaking to my husband. Other close friends are obviously shocked however supportive to a point.....as long as my husband and I are no longer together.
And in the middle of all this is my son, my husband’s step-son....And my ex-husband is poised to react should I decide to continue the relationship with my husband. My son comes first however I feel broken.
Hi Ruth,
the cbt doesn’t seem very good if they can’t get through the feelings of torn loyalties.
i don’t hate my ex just feel a huge sadness about his decisions have destroyed not only his but my life. Saying that I wouldn’t want to go back to before as once it’s lnown it would be difficult to get back to the unknown.
its like a complicated grief. It’s hard to get over the relationship when you See them.
its added complicated when people have an opinion on the offence and choosing only to speak to you if you don’t see your hiusband. It’s hard because they don’t understand his own history.
There are some wonderful people out there who can see different sides of the perspective. It’s sad your therapist isn’t one of them, but well done for telling her that you can’t just turn off your feelings. Like I said it’s complicated for us. My head says one thing and my heart hurts for the man I loved.
the cbt doesn’t seem very good if they can’t get through the feelings of torn loyalties.
i don’t hate my ex just feel a huge sadness about his decisions have destroyed not only his but my life. Saying that I wouldn’t want to go back to before as once it’s lnown it would be difficult to get back to the unknown.
its like a complicated grief. It’s hard to get over the relationship when you See them.
its added complicated when people have an opinion on the offence and choosing only to speak to you if you don’t see your hiusband. It’s hard because they don’t understand his own history.
There are some wonderful people out there who can see different sides of the perspective. It’s sad your therapist isn’t one of them, but well done for telling her that you can’t just turn off your feelings. Like I said it’s complicated for us. My head says one thing and my heart hurts for the man I loved.
I know that I’ve followed you all for awhile now but thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for your warm welcome. I feel as though someone has put their arms around me with such warmth, thank you as I know that you understand.
Hi
Just wanted to add I can't make sense of the new lay out, think I'm missing loads of stuff which is horrible because everyone needs the support of each other.
If I posted and didn't have a response from anyone that would isolate me even more
I hope they change it back or at least out the most recent on top!!
Well done you brave brave people xx
Just wanted to add I can't make sense of the new lay out, think I'm missing loads of stuff which is horrible because everyone needs the support of each other.
If I posted and didn't have a response from anyone that would isolate me even more
I hope they change it back or at least out the most recent on top!!
Well done you brave brave people xx
Firstly, Ruth....welcome to the forum. I’m very sad for your circumstances and hope you get comfort and support here, no one will judge you or force their opinions on you. You must have your own ‘red lines’ for your therapist to show their own opinions is appalling. They should help you to navigate this hellish journey not railroad you. Find another one if you can.
I faced similar reactions and my husband had his case dropped against him. People, from professional to friends and the general public now feel they have the right to your privacy, your mind and your soul. That’s the bit that makes me seethe with injustice. Your husband is now ‘non human’. I think it’s atrocious that nothing is done by authorities to dispel the often hatred from the public against families of offenders. The simpering attitude from others is almost as bad.
ive just commented elsewhere on the new layout on the forum. It’s not easy and could be better if they took up the suggestions offered by other members.
I faced similar reactions and my husband had his case dropped against him. People, from professional to friends and the general public now feel they have the right to your privacy, your mind and your soul. That’s the bit that makes me seethe with injustice. Your husband is now ‘non human’. I think it’s atrocious that nothing is done by authorities to dispel the often hatred from the public against families of offenders. The simpering attitude from others is almost as bad.
ive just commented elsewhere on the new layout on the forum. It’s not easy and could be better if they took up the suggestions offered by other members.
Hi Ruth
i just wanted to welcome you and add my voice of support. Early on I had everyone telling me what I should do, think and feel, and I tried to please them all. I suppressed my own needs. I tried to switch off my feelings for my husband and he left, full of shame and remorse. Since then I've been advised to think about what I want, and not let others sway me. It's me that has to live this life, and the helpline people have been very helpful on this. My partner knows he has done wrong, and he's doing everything possible to change. I see that his remorse is genuine and I cannot just throw away all that we had, and so I've decided to support him. It's a hard road ahead, especially without some of the care and support I had.
Be kind to yourself Ruth, and make sure you are allowed to make your own choices. You did the right thing, and now there is help and a new way forward. Give yourself time and freedom to do what your heart says. Love cannot just be switched off, and genuine remorse can be a game changer. Wishing you well, however you decide to proceed. It's also not necessary to name your intentions; just go with what feels right to you.
i just wanted to welcome you and add my voice of support. Early on I had everyone telling me what I should do, think and feel, and I tried to please them all. I suppressed my own needs. I tried to switch off my feelings for my husband and he left, full of shame and remorse. Since then I've been advised to think about what I want, and not let others sway me. It's me that has to live this life, and the helpline people have been very helpful on this. My partner knows he has done wrong, and he's doing everything possible to change. I see that his remorse is genuine and I cannot just throw away all that we had, and so I've decided to support him. It's a hard road ahead, especially without some of the care and support I had.
Be kind to yourself Ruth, and make sure you are allowed to make your own choices. You did the right thing, and now there is help and a new way forward. Give yourself time and freedom to do what your heart says. Love cannot just be switched off, and genuine remorse can be a game changer. Wishing you well, however you decide to proceed. It's also not necessary to name your intentions; just go with what feels right to you.
Madeleine,
it is so true that we have be allowed to make decisions that we conclude are right for us. The options need to be laid out and the consequences of those decisions can be made clear but the actual decisions need to be ours. I was put under so much pressure from the police and employers before the computers had even been examined to leave my husband. We didn’t have children living with us. It was if I went from respected, trusted professional to an embarrassing child overnight. They wanted me to make decisions based on their needs and beliefs. It took every ounce of strength I had to think for myself, and a long time! All I ever wanted to do was base my decision on the facts before me (these ‘facts’ changed as time went on)
Ruth be kind to yourself and give yourself time to make decisions that you can live with.
it is so true that we have be allowed to make decisions that we conclude are right for us. The options need to be laid out and the consequences of those decisions can be made clear but the actual decisions need to be ours. I was put under so much pressure from the police and employers before the computers had even been examined to leave my husband. We didn’t have children living with us. It was if I went from respected, trusted professional to an embarrassing child overnight. They wanted me to make decisions based on their needs and beliefs. It took every ounce of strength I had to think for myself, and a long time! All I ever wanted to do was base my decision on the facts before me (these ‘facts’ changed as time went on)
Ruth be kind to yourself and give yourself time to make decisions that you can live with.
Ruth welcome to the forum. You are very brave and did what you thought was right and best in the situation in which you found yourself. I have often wondered what I would have done if I had found material on my then partner's computer. I like to think I would have been as brave as you and informed the police.
The Knock for me came nearly eight months ago, six weeks before we were due to marry (am in my sixties and we had been together 15 years). I decided after the Knock, and also because there had been previous problems involving alcohol, that I didn't want to continue our relationship. But as everyone else says, you can't just turn off the love you feel for someone like a tap. It doesn't work like that.
I still care about this man who (apart from his alcoholism, which he dealt with. He had been two years sober when the Knock came) he was someone I loved and who loved me.
He is not a young man. He has lost everything including his grown up children, who refuse to have anything to do with him. I still care about him, and have (despite what other people think I should do) kept in touch with him. We meet for coffee about once a week. I miss him terribly. I know in my heart we can never go back to the way we were, and am beginning to re-build my life. I had pressure from my own grown up kids not to see him (he is not their dad) but ultimately this is my decision to carry on seeing him. And I don't discuss it with them. Or with friends I know will be judgemental. It is months until the forensics will be done on his computer.
You must do what feels right for you. Trust your instincts Ruth. They are usually right. And do search out another counsellor, preferably one who has experience in this area.
Mine has been invaluable, and I wouldnt be where I am now, without her. I am still waiting for any hint of the NHS counselling I was promised.
We are all members of this 'club that no one wants to belong to' as phrased so brilliantly by another member (sorry I can't sift through threads to find your name.) There are no rules in this club. Or right or wrong ways of dealing and processing what we are all going through. But we are here for each other. And that is invaluable to me. Thank you all you wonderful strong women. Bethlou, Poster, Andrea, Tracey, Jaded, Maria, Madeleine, Stardust, Rainbow, CrazyMayBaby...all of you. And you Ruth.
Lots of love Paula
The Knock for me came nearly eight months ago, six weeks before we were due to marry (am in my sixties and we had been together 15 years). I decided after the Knock, and also because there had been previous problems involving alcohol, that I didn't want to continue our relationship. But as everyone else says, you can't just turn off the love you feel for someone like a tap. It doesn't work like that.
I still care about this man who (apart from his alcoholism, which he dealt with. He had been two years sober when the Knock came) he was someone I loved and who loved me.
He is not a young man. He has lost everything including his grown up children, who refuse to have anything to do with him. I still care about him, and have (despite what other people think I should do) kept in touch with him. We meet for coffee about once a week. I miss him terribly. I know in my heart we can never go back to the way we were, and am beginning to re-build my life. I had pressure from my own grown up kids not to see him (he is not their dad) but ultimately this is my decision to carry on seeing him. And I don't discuss it with them. Or with friends I know will be judgemental. It is months until the forensics will be done on his computer.
You must do what feels right for you. Trust your instincts Ruth. They are usually right. And do search out another counsellor, preferably one who has experience in this area.
Mine has been invaluable, and I wouldnt be where I am now, without her. I am still waiting for any hint of the NHS counselling I was promised.
We are all members of this 'club that no one wants to belong to' as phrased so brilliantly by another member (sorry I can't sift through threads to find your name.) There are no rules in this club. Or right or wrong ways of dealing and processing what we are all going through. But we are here for each other. And that is invaluable to me. Thank you all you wonderful strong women. Bethlou, Poster, Andrea, Tracey, Jaded, Maria, Madeleine, Stardust, Rainbow, CrazyMayBaby...all of you. And you Ruth.
Lots of love Paula
I hate the new layout as I keep getting lost and missing stuff.
Ruth - welcome. Don’t let anyone tell you what to feel. We all feel differently about different stuff and that is no different on this forum, except on here we all seem to accept each of other’s decisions. Some of us support our partners, some of us don’t. I don’t think it makes a difference to how we support each other on here x
Ruth - welcome. Don’t let anyone tell you what to feel. We all feel differently about different stuff and that is no different on this forum, except on here we all seem to accept each of other’s decisions. Some of us support our partners, some of us don’t. I don’t think it makes a difference to how we support each other on here x
I hate the new layout as I keep getting lost and missing stuff.
Ruth - welcome. Don’t let anyone tell you what to feel. We all feel differently about different stuff and that is no different on this forum, except on here we all seem to accept each of other’s decisions. Some of us support our partners, some of us don’t. I don’t think it makes a difference to how we support each other on here x
Ruth - welcome. Don’t let anyone tell you what to feel. We all feel differently about different stuff and that is no different on this forum, except on here we all seem to accept each of other’s decisions. Some of us support our partners, some of us don’t. I don’t think it makes a difference to how we support each other on here x