How to stop feeling guilty if you take a step back
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So unlike most of the posts on here it's my dad who was arrested 2 years ago and few weeks ago was told he's being charged with 3 counts of iioc. For most of the time he's swung between saying it wasn't him to saying it was but its not that bad.
My brother and sister stopped contact immediately and he never tried to contact them to apologise. I stepped back bit still had some contact as felt guilty he was alone.
I spoke to him the other week and he's said he's pleading guilty at court next week, things got emotional and I said I needed some time as I'm so scared it will get out, so unbelievably scared for my kids and my family.
He messaged me today saying I'm deserting him just like everyone else has and nobody cares about him. I have to say I got a bit annoyed and said he did this. Its his fault nobody forced him so he doesn't get to have a pity party. At which point he stopped messaging.
And now I feel so guilty that I'm deserting him and its going round and round in my head and it won't stop. And all I do every day is get up and pretend that every thing is normal and there's nothing wrong and it's just so hard. It's not like he'll ever be my ex, he'll always be my dad.
My brother and sister stopped contact immediately and he never tried to contact them to apologise. I stepped back bit still had some contact as felt guilty he was alone.
I spoke to him the other week and he's said he's pleading guilty at court next week, things got emotional and I said I needed some time as I'm so scared it will get out, so unbelievably scared for my kids and my family.
He messaged me today saying I'm deserting him just like everyone else has and nobody cares about him. I have to say I got a bit annoyed and said he did this. Its his fault nobody forced him so he doesn't get to have a pity party. At which point he stopped messaging.
And now I feel so guilty that I'm deserting him and its going round and round in my head and it won't stop. And all I do every day is get up and pretend that every thing is normal and there's nothing wrong and it's just so hard. It's not like he'll ever be my ex, he'll always be my dad.
Hey hunny,
I'm a wife so our circumstances are different... All just as painful.
For me and so many other women I've spoken to, our decision to try to support and understand how our partner ended up where they did is largely based on their reaction following the offence.
9 months on and no charges for my husband as yet so I cannot say for sure in the long term but he admitted things straight away and once that knock came... It snapped him into reality of the seriousness of what he was doing. He is extremely remorseful and full of shame and self hatred, doing all he can to make amends.
I think the fact your dad... Firstly didn't admit to what he had done and since has minimised it but make it much harder for you to process.
My husband has had therapy and also done the inform plus course to understand how he ended up in this place which also helps me to understand. I have also done the inform course.
I would suggest that you discuss the course with your dad... Part of it is about victim empathy... They have to look at the impact of what they were doing.. The victims behind those images and videos.
At the end of the day hunny... You can choose to support him but he has to meet you half way.
Keep talking and try not to feel guilty.... We are all emotional roller coasters throughout this journey! Xxx
I'm a wife so our circumstances are different... All just as painful.
For me and so many other women I've spoken to, our decision to try to support and understand how our partner ended up where they did is largely based on their reaction following the offence.
9 months on and no charges for my husband as yet so I cannot say for sure in the long term but he admitted things straight away and once that knock came... It snapped him into reality of the seriousness of what he was doing. He is extremely remorseful and full of shame and self hatred, doing all he can to make amends.
I think the fact your dad... Firstly didn't admit to what he had done and since has minimised it but make it much harder for you to process.
My husband has had therapy and also done the inform plus course to understand how he ended up in this place which also helps me to understand. I have also done the inform course.
I would suggest that you discuss the course with your dad... Part of it is about victim empathy... They have to look at the impact of what they were doing.. The victims behind those images and videos.
At the end of the day hunny... You can choose to support him but he has to meet you half way.
Keep talking and try not to feel guilty.... We are all emotional roller coasters throughout this journey! Xxx
hiya.i know exactly how you are feeling but I'm trying to tell myself I've nothing to feel guilty for I didn't do this he did.xx
I'm in the same position but my dads pleaded guilty in court but minimising it all at home. He's acting normal as if nothings happened while my mums, mine and my sisters lives have come crashing down.
I feel horribly guilty that we've all abandoned him but as my councillor pointed out - he's got himself in this position, he chose to go down this path and therefore he has to deal with the consequences. He hasn't reached out to me or my sister so I shouldn't feel bad about not reaching out to him. I have three daughters and I just feel that he hasn't taken any of us into consideration in all this time so why should we try to protect him?? I do still love him, he's my dad and I'll always grieve for the relationship that I've lost with him but we should never feel guilty - this wasn't our choice.
I feel horribly guilty that we've all abandoned him but as my councillor pointed out - he's got himself in this position, he chose to go down this path and therefore he has to deal with the consequences. He hasn't reached out to me or my sister so I shouldn't feel bad about not reaching out to him. I have three daughters and I just feel that he hasn't taken any of us into consideration in all this time so why should we try to protect him?? I do still love him, he's my dad and I'll always grieve for the relationship that I've lost with him but we should never feel guilty - this wasn't our choice.
Hi there,
I wanted to reply to your post because like you, it was my Dad and I find a lot of the experience shared on here are of partners which doesn't make them not helpful, it's just that it's a different situation when it is your parent.
I too have had to take a bit of a step back recently, purely for my own mental health. I don't think we should be made to feel guilty for this because we need to take care of ourselves too. I realises that I was giving away too much and it was making me unwell.
I hope that you have some good support in the form of friends family or professionals, this is the hardest thing that has ever happened to me and I honestly struggle every day.
my thoughts are with you.
I wanted to reply to your post because like you, it was my Dad and I find a lot of the experience shared on here are of partners which doesn't make them not helpful, it's just that it's a different situation when it is your parent.
I too have had to take a bit of a step back recently, purely for my own mental health. I don't think we should be made to feel guilty for this because we need to take care of ourselves too. I realises that I was giving away too much and it was making me unwell.
I hope that you have some good support in the form of friends family or professionals, this is the hardest thing that has ever happened to me and I honestly struggle every day.
my thoughts are with you.