What do I do now
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My husband was interviewed yesterday and evidence was disclosed. He was initially arrested for possession iioc for a time frame a couple of years ago, about 6 months. They've found 10 years worth of evidence of him downloading iioc. The total number sits around the 900 mark, across the 3 categories but there's less than 100 cat A. He has distributed 4 cat C images within a 30 minute time frame on one specific date about 7 years ago. He has submitted a statement with his solicitor present taking responsibility for his actions and showing remorse. His explanation is it's an addiction and a coping mechanism for stress and not a sexual thing. Although his solicitor advised he said in his statement he sought it for his own gratification he said this was something he was advised to accept responsibility and show remorse he does not actually feel like that and has not had any form of gratification from his actions. We have been together a few years more than the dates the evidence goes back to. I feel like our relationship has been nothing but a lie. He said they told him it was images of teens not younger but I am waiting for this be confirmed in some way. He also said there's images and files they said he had never opened and probably didn't know existed. We thought he might have no more than 100 images and now we are looking at 9 times that. He is shocked he said he had no idea it would be that many.
Last night I cried myself to sleep. This morning I feel numb I feel absolutely nothing I'm empty of everything. I know I care for him and I worry about what will happen to him and us. He isn't charged yet but I'm sure charges will come. My life is upside down and my children are so young they did not deserve this life. I don't know what to do, social services will be back soon I think now that there's evidence and admission of guilt and they're going to want me to say what our relationship status is and deep down I think it's over but it kills me to think that it is.
Last night I cried myself to sleep. This morning I feel numb I feel absolutely nothing I'm empty of everything. I know I care for him and I worry about what will happen to him and us. He isn't charged yet but I'm sure charges will come. My life is upside down and my children are so young they did not deserve this life. I don't know what to do, social services will be back soon I think now that there's evidence and admission of guilt and they're going to want me to say what our relationship status is and deep down I think it's over but it kills me to think that it is.
My first advice is be kind to yourself and honest with yourself, you have come this far and you can do this. It is a form of grief and will take time. One thing i have found is strength from this forum and the people that exist on its platform on my bad days they have given me the stength i did not think i could find! Reach out when you need your not alone! nobody can tell you how to feel or how long it is going to take to process this it is a big thing and with the pool of emotions i suspect your swimming in just be present with each one of these emotions and process them at your pace try to avid letting tem consume you and live in each smile and moment with thos ebeautiful kids this is whta I found a long with the people on this forum got me this far and it has only been just over 4 months. much love hugs and kindness xxx
Thank you, I've just pulled up at work sat in the car park taking some deep breaths before I go in for another day. The problem is I'm working full time and being mummy to two small children I can't process things or have time to think. One day rolls into the next. We meet for contact but we can't talk much so it's phone conversation but that's not the same either.
I so desperately wanted them to find less than there is, like small snap shot of our years together, a blip. But it's something that's always been there, which is now why I never spotted it as its been there from the start I didn't know any different. How can someone who is perfect in many ways hurt me so badly? I don't know life without him.
I so desperately wanted them to find less than there is, like small snap shot of our years together, a blip. But it's something that's always been there, which is now why I never spotted it as its been there from the start I didn't know any different. How can someone who is perfect in many ways hurt me so badly? I don't know life without him.
Your partners case is similar to mine. His illegal activity was picked up I think a year before the arrest for a few photos. By the time the investigation ended he has over 1000 pics and images in all categories spanning ten years.
I had asked him how many will they find but he admitted he didn't really know because not all files he opened and was kind of a blur. I don't think it dawned on him until the police stated they found evidence ober ten years how long he had been doing it. He used it as coping mechanism as well, he didn't offended non stop over the ten years. It was mostly when things in his life were hard for him to handle. Ofc no excuse.
Just to warn you that when he went for sentencing they read out a description of the worst they found, and that made me feel so sick and I couldn't be around him for a while. He mostly looked at older teens but his offending spanned a whole range of ages. He claims he doesn't remember the video mentioned in court but doesn't deny it. Unfortunately I don't think it is possible to expect someone to remember what they have seen over a long time period. And essentially they become de sensitised which I assume affects memory, if that makes sense.
For me it was important my partner worked hard to rehabilitate. It was clear that his offending was for a long period and would take a lot of work to snap him out of it. The inform course was great and he rang the lff helpline when needed.
I would say take some time to process the information you have received. Ask your partner questions if you wish. But it is his responsibility to work on bettering himself, not you. You may wish to provide moral support but he can't rely on you.
If he hasn't already he should consider looking at online material on this offending or the inform course. Sounds to me he hasnt really grasped the reason why he did this. Porn addiction and iioc viewing always has an element of self gratification- wether it be fully sexual or to reduce stress. My partner got a buzz out of watching taboo footage from a young age, started with legal but got bored. He got a kick out of chatting to people online and catfishing. He got caught up in the online world to make him feel good- including getting ego boosts
Big hugs!
I had asked him how many will they find but he admitted he didn't really know because not all files he opened and was kind of a blur. I don't think it dawned on him until the police stated they found evidence ober ten years how long he had been doing it. He used it as coping mechanism as well, he didn't offended non stop over the ten years. It was mostly when things in his life were hard for him to handle. Ofc no excuse.
Just to warn you that when he went for sentencing they read out a description of the worst they found, and that made me feel so sick and I couldn't be around him for a while. He mostly looked at older teens but his offending spanned a whole range of ages. He claims he doesn't remember the video mentioned in court but doesn't deny it. Unfortunately I don't think it is possible to expect someone to remember what they have seen over a long time period. And essentially they become de sensitised which I assume affects memory, if that makes sense.
For me it was important my partner worked hard to rehabilitate. It was clear that his offending was for a long period and would take a lot of work to snap him out of it. The inform course was great and he rang the lff helpline when needed.
I would say take some time to process the information you have received. Ask your partner questions if you wish. But it is his responsibility to work on bettering himself, not you. You may wish to provide moral support but he can't rely on you.
If he hasn't already he should consider looking at online material on this offending or the inform course. Sounds to me he hasnt really grasped the reason why he did this. Porn addiction and iioc viewing always has an element of self gratification- wether it be fully sexual or to reduce stress. My partner got a buzz out of watching taboo footage from a young age, started with legal but got bored. He got a kick out of chatting to people online and catfishing. He got caught up in the online world to make him feel good- including getting ego boosts
Big hugs!
Thank you, was your partners all images based? My husbands are images I don't think they've found videos and there's nothing to do with talking to anyone underage or even to another adult inappropriately. There's a prohibited image of a child and one extreme porn image. He thinks they were described as a cartoon? But he thinks this was from a works watsapp group.
I've never felt more scared. It's fresh and raw today but I can't see a future without him every time I think of what I will do without him I'm lost. I love him deeply but I can't see how he loved me. I need them to confirm the ages for me as I just couldn't cope with less than teens which is bad enough in itself but I couldn't personally deal with less than that age. He's having therapy and doing the online modules already and he is making an enquiry on the Inform course. He is remorseful and determined to change I think even he is genuinely shocked by what they have found. I just feel like my life is one big lie. I haven't told anyone about it, I can't bring myself to tell my parents what has been found. I am waiting for the charges I think and then I will have no choice but to tell them. I feel like I am going to lose everything. Now he's admitted it and there's evidence will social services let him see his kids? If it is only teens in the images will he ever be allowed non supervised contact with his children? I'm breaking inside everytime I look at their innocent little faces they adore him. I adored him. Everyone did.
I've never felt more scared. It's fresh and raw today but I can't see a future without him every time I think of what I will do without him I'm lost. I love him deeply but I can't see how he loved me. I need them to confirm the ages for me as I just couldn't cope with less than teens which is bad enough in itself but I couldn't personally deal with less than that age. He's having therapy and doing the online modules already and he is making an enquiry on the Inform course. He is remorseful and determined to change I think even he is genuinely shocked by what they have found. I just feel like my life is one big lie. I haven't told anyone about it, I can't bring myself to tell my parents what has been found. I am waiting for the charges I think and then I will have no choice but to tell them. I feel like I am going to lose everything. Now he's admitted it and there's evidence will social services let him see his kids? If it is only teens in the images will he ever be allowed non supervised contact with his children? I'm breaking inside everytime I look at their innocent little faces they adore him. I adored him. Everyone did.