I need to know
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I need to know the ages of those in the iioc found on my husbands devices. No one will tell me. The oic said he's disclosing that to social services and they can decide if I need to know. How is that fair? Why can't they just tell me now I need to know so desperately that I could scream right now. This is not helping my mental health. I feel like everything depends on this, whether I continue to allow him to see his children, whether I can supervise contact... I need to know and I don't know how to deal with the not knowing any more.
It's the hardest part in another way on this journey,, we have been put on child protection plans and then after the meeting sw rang and then started going on about things we can start to put into place and bringing him to the core meeting and if he can bring the risk down then that's good I just like are these just mind games or is she now trying to help xx
Vickie you're doing a good job, keep going and hope they're being honest with you and no stringing you along.
Honestly how can they not tell me the ages, when this goes to court it will be discussed wont it? Now he's admitted stuff to the police in interview what will social services do? Will contact be stopped? Nothing involved my children directly, so if the ages involved are teens for example will they be more willing to allow him to continue seeing the kids? Honestly my head is spinning
Honestly how can they not tell me the ages, when this goes to court it will be discussed wont it? Now he's admitted stuff to the police in interview what will social services do? Will contact be stopped? Nothing involved my children directly, so if the ages involved are teens for example will they be more willing to allow him to continue seeing the kids? Honestly my head is spinning
I don't know hun it's not fair,, I know cause the person that my partner and the decoy was talking about was 10 so I know they have told me that they will be with me a long time cause his risk goes up in one way the close my daughter get to 10 if that makes sense,,, so trying to reduce it and keeping that way xx
I don't understand why they can't tell u they told me the age but I don't know xx
I don't understand why they can't tell u they told me the age but I don't know xx
I'm just switching between missing him and needing him and then pure hatred for him and what he is doing to us. We honestly had it all, we worked hard, we didn't have all the money we would like and sometimes it was hard to pay for everything but we had a lovely home, a happy home and two perfect children. I can't even tell my parents right now what has been found on his devices how do I tell them he's been lying to me for 10 years? I am pleased there was no chat or discussion with underage or a decoy it's all image based. But they know the numbers of images for categories and the dates but they won't say ages, honestly baffles me when I have two children here that I have to wait for a social worker to decide on whether she discloses to me or not. We are married for crying out loud why can't I be told. I honestly don't know what my life is any more or how I will ever find the strength to recover from this. I think I'm going to lose it all.
You will get there hun ur not the only one hun I sit here thinking the same hun if 10yrs of lairs or love,,
The thing is with this journey is it makes u question everything hun,,, I have done the same do I know him?? Was he happy?? We had a happy family but it does hun and the thing is just say to him look if I start hearing things second hand then tell him you need to hear it from him or u will walk that's what I said and see what he says to it see if he will open up to u hun xxx
The thing is with this journey is it makes u question everything hun,,, I have done the same do I know him?? Was he happy?? We had a happy family but it does hun and the thing is just say to him look if I start hearing things second hand then tell him you need to hear it from him or u will walk that's what I said and see what he says to it see if he will open up to u hun xxx
I have said to him I need to know and he says he is telling me all he can remember. He says he looked at things involving teens he cannot remember anything else. He says to me it wasn't anything sexual for him just a way of escape which became addiction. But his solicitor made him include in his statement that he did get arousal from this. So now its in black and white social services will have a field day with that won't they. Whether its true or not. His solicitor said it shows he is accepting the consequences and isn't trivialising this. Today I've got from feeling nothing to absolute rage and I've got work in an hour.
God it's so hard! The unknown is a new kinda hell I didn't know existed until that Knock.
My partner doesn't remember* stuff too.
Take some deep breaths, come off this forum for a couple of days. Take a break from it and try and find the mind set that right now you can't do anything more than you are right now and that you want to enjoy this weekend.... So much easier said than done. But definitely easier when you're not looking at this forum a few times a day. Breaks really help me, as much as being on her helps me.
Lots of love xxxx
My partner doesn't remember* stuff too.
Take some deep breaths, come off this forum for a couple of days. Take a break from it and try and find the mind set that right now you can't do anything more than you are right now and that you want to enjoy this weekend.... So much easier said than done. But definitely easier when you're not looking at this forum a few times a day. Breaks really help me, as much as being on her helps me.
Lots of love xxxx
I think I always come back to is u know your partner the best,, we are the ones who live with them,, work with them to bring the kids up, x
The problem I have is the fact the nature of the messages and sw and other muilt agnices have that concern to and if he would act on them,,
He say no he would not be,, he talks to me but is very scared to talk with sw and others cause he don't think they will believe him and he has always been the kind of person that when he done something wrong he owns it but then just wants to move on from but I don't think he understand in his head that it's not that easy with this,, he wants help but he just does not know how to talk about it xxx
Then trying to explain its going to take a lot of work he like I know that but I don't know what to do whilst I am in here xx
I said keep talking to me and keep ur head down so worried about him now cause he broke down on the phone and ended it with speak to u soon we now day 3 without speaking to each other xxx
The problem I have is the fact the nature of the messages and sw and other muilt agnices have that concern to and if he would act on them,,
He say no he would not be,, he talks to me but is very scared to talk with sw and others cause he don't think they will believe him and he has always been the kind of person that when he done something wrong he owns it but then just wants to move on from but I don't think he understand in his head that it's not that easy with this,, he wants help but he just does not know how to talk about it xxx
Then trying to explain its going to take a lot of work he like I know that but I don't know what to do whilst I am in here xx
I said keep talking to me and keep ur head down so worried about him now cause he broke down on the phone and ended it with speak to u soon we now day 3 without speaking to each other xxx
Vickie it must be hard when you have messages and things he said. I am just imagining the images my husband has seen. He's now in the very early hours of this morning sent me a lengthy email which details everything. The truth is he looked for teens after viewing so much adult porn he followed links to teens. He used chat rooms and was sent images he thought were teens but sometimes he said he could see the file name wouldn't be teens so he deleted them. Sometimes he opened files and it was all teens and deleted what he didn't want to see. I do believe him when he says he wasn't looking for younger. But I know now the sw will be aware of the ages involved and maybe she will stop contact with the kids. This will come out in court too won't it, so if it hits the media everyone now will brand him the p word. No one will care if he saw the younger images or not. What sort of life has he left himself with?
Unfortunately I opened the email as soon as I sat down at work I didn't see it before. I've walked out of work, I've left everyone at work in a mess they've now got to cover my role for the day so they're all stressed. I just needed to get out and come home because everything is crashing down around me now, I feel like I am drowning and there's no way out. My life is finished it will never be the same again.
Unfortunately I opened the email as soon as I sat down at work I didn't see it before. I've walked out of work, I've left everyone at work in a mess they've now got to cover my role for the day so they're all stressed. I just needed to get out and come home because everything is crashing down around me now, I feel like I am drowning and there's no way out. My life is finished it will never be the same again.
Sapphire, take a breath. Try not to think too much. Easier said than done, I know. It's a good thing that your husband has shared what he's seen with you. He's owning his behaviour. Have either of you had any therapy? It helps to talk to someone who specialises in this area, as it isn't black and white, its various shades of grey. That is why it's so hard for us partners to understand, as we just can't comprehend anyone going there! But these men are not thinking rationally. Their brains are rewired.
Try to talk to the helpline, keep on trying if they are engaged. They are a good ear, they have heard it all before, and don't mind you sobbing down the phone, you need to let those emotions out.
please look after yourself. Keep on reading forum posts, I've found them to be a great source of information and support.
Xxx
Try to talk to the helpline, keep on trying if they are engaged. They are a good ear, they have heard it all before, and don't mind you sobbing down the phone, you need to let those emotions out.
please look after yourself. Keep on reading forum posts, I've found them to be a great source of information and support.
Xxx
Hi hun
I get what u are saying it might not go in the papers our case didn't,, sad thing is because I told close in one way it might as well of gone in the papers because all the people I know didn't know nothing but I am getting messages right left and centre,, I have came to a point of well I have had people walk away but I have made friends on here and I am like well they can think what they want because my engery is needed for me and my kids. He done what u have asked of him and sw might say that contact could stay the same if its supervised and u are doing all u can to propect then,, what more can u do he needs to step up and fight now for u and the kids by doing all he can to reduce the risk hun. Its time for u to think about what u want from all this and I have come to terms that I will go all the way. You know ur partner and the thing with this hun it teaches u to be come selfish because this is not happening to anyone else this is happening to u and people will understand and others will not but there is no right or wrong way to do this u only u know what road to take xxx I going all the way course I don't want no regrets what if I did that,, I could get it wrong but then I could be doing the right FEAR IS THE UNKNOW AND UNKNOW FEEDS FEAR and there is so much of that with this but keep posting and using the helpline and have a look stopso they have great information to. Plus if u still wronged ring the family rights group to they have lots of help to xxx
I get what u are saying it might not go in the papers our case didn't,, sad thing is because I told close in one way it might as well of gone in the papers because all the people I know didn't know nothing but I am getting messages right left and centre,, I have came to a point of well I have had people walk away but I have made friends on here and I am like well they can think what they want because my engery is needed for me and my kids. He done what u have asked of him and sw might say that contact could stay the same if its supervised and u are doing all u can to propect then,, what more can u do he needs to step up and fight now for u and the kids by doing all he can to reduce the risk hun. Its time for u to think about what u want from all this and I have come to terms that I will go all the way. You know ur partner and the thing with this hun it teaches u to be come selfish because this is not happening to anyone else this is happening to u and people will understand and others will not but there is no right or wrong way to do this u only u know what road to take xxx I going all the way course I don't want no regrets what if I did that,, I could get it wrong but then I could be doing the right FEAR IS THE UNKNOW AND UNKNOW FEEDS FEAR and there is so much of that with this but keep posting and using the helpline and have a look stopso they have great information to. Plus if u still wronged ring the family rights group to they have lots of help to xxx
I can understand you wanting to know the ages. I wish I had known in advance of the sentencing because in my partners case they described the worst that they found and it threw me. I didnt know that kind of info would be shared in court. Wasn't too graphic in detail. It essentially stated the youngest age and the type of footage.
But as a partner without children with him I don't think I would have had the right to get that disclosure. But I hope SW see sense and let you know if they can. Especially if your partner pleads guilty. If they don't plead guilty then the disclosure may be seen as impacting the investigation and jury?
My partner too claimed he was looking for teens but the horrible world of iioc people share stuff that isn't as described. Also my partner got so deep into it that I feel he got hooked on it all, despite his intentions were never to go that far at first. He also didn't really know all the things the police would find because he collected and didn't view it all. Some deleted, some left there on his devices etc.
But as a partner without children with him I don't think I would have had the right to get that disclosure. But I hope SW see sense and let you know if they can. Especially if your partner pleads guilty. If they don't plead guilty then the disclosure may be seen as impacting the investigation and jury?
My partner too claimed he was looking for teens but the horrible world of iioc people share stuff that isn't as described. Also my partner got so deep into it that I feel he got hooked on it all, despite his intentions were never to go that far at first. He also didn't really know all the things the police would find because he collected and didn't view it all. Some deleted, some left there on his devices etc.
So today after walking out of work I spoke to my husband and we met for the first time child free. We cried, I shouted, we cried some more and I feel a billion times better. He has now been fully honest with me and I know I believe he did look for images of teens but not younger but these may have been sent to him and he didn't view them and remained unopened or mixed into things he opened unknowingly. I believe him. I've seen and heard and tried to understand everything. We've almost pinpoint what happened and a series of events in our lives and very tough couple of years where we both suffered enormous loss of loved ones, financial strain and loss of employment. He is having therapy by someone trained in this area. He intends on pleading guilty and has told the police he will. The social worker had tried to make contact with me today and I've not taken the call as it would too much I will deal with her Monday. Thank you to those that replied to me, I've had terrible panic and thoughts of desperation today and you've helped me enormously.
Thank you Lee, I feel more prepared for the sw already as I don't think she can throw anything at me I won't be aware of. It's very obvious now how it's been porn addiction and a messed up coping mechanism that's got us to this point. I've seen him cry uncontrollably today and that in itself is something quite remarkable as yes there's been tears in this journey but face to face he struggles to open up. To cry like he did today and talk openly and answer my questions honestly has given me some hope. Yes the truth hurts but it hurts so much less from someone you love. One thing I have realised today I love him unconditionally he is my best friend my soul mate the absolute love of my life and maybe I should run away from him but I don't. I know that how this journey goes in terms of charges, sentencing and sw involvement will impact of if we can stay together but I know today I am not ready to end it with him. I know that if I do end it, it will be because the circumstances we are in make it impossible for us to survive and that's very very sad. He is the love of my life and he always will be. I'm so deeply hurt and upset with him but the love is there and when ever we are with each other we find calm and inner peace. So for today we carry on, our relationship is still on pause. I'm glad I walked out of work today as we really needed that time just the two of us.
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Yellowhouse yesterday I walked out of work and came home and collapsed in a heap on my bed and cried and almost screamed into my pillow. All I could think of in that moment is I need this to stop right now. My husband is the person I go to when ever I have problem he is usually my source of calm. So meeting him yesterday was hard and for the first 15 minutes i shouted at him I shouted loud and demanded answers and said terrible horrible things to him and told him to tell me to go home and end it. I said all sorts of horrible things. Things I felt at the time but didn't truly believe or mean. But also some things I did mean. But it was such a release. And then I cried and he cried. Seeing him cry such raw and real tears is something I've not witnessed. But somehow we got comfort from each other, because still is this horrible terrible situation I can see we still are soul mates. Sadly i still don't know if we will make through this as a couple but I want to stand by him to make him a better dad. That's where my head is at today. Today I feel like weight has lifted from my shoulders. But I now tomorrow I might be back to rock bottom again. Because this is what this does to us. So I just want to say, if you can talk to someone do, reach out to someone. The way you feel now will pass and you will find a happier day. It might not be happy but it might just be an easier day. I understand where you are at completely - but we get up and we keep going. Stay strong xx