Somethings got to give
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I feel im constantly scrambling to keep it all together. Im fighting my corner with social services, trying to understand my partners sex addiction and how it lead to this, being supportive, looking after the kids, being supportive and offering information to friends and family but trying not to be a source of information for them to gossip about, trying to ensure in not judged but everyone, i have a stressful job so im trying to make sure that doesnt tip me over the edge. Im starting to feel like i jusy cant juggle all this stuff. Ive seen a councellor, im having cbt, im able to talk openly and honestly with my partner, im getting somewhere with social services after their awful service so far but i feel like im not sure how much more i can take. Any suggestions on how to take a step back or is it just an endless battle to get through until the police/court is over (but now im thinking the after is going to be even more of a problem).
Maria, I felt that post.
Its exhausting isn’t it, we didn’t set out to be the person to fix everything though that’s what I want to do.
The old advice is the best, self care and taking one moment at a time though that is harder said than done.
i am with you I am worried that after the trial things will never be the same but as women and here have shown me it just becomes another type of normal. Saying that I am frustrated as it’s not what I wanted. I worked hard to have a stable relationship and job I looked around and people who had lots of drama in their life’s, and thought you know what I am content with what I have. I didn’t need posh cars or big holidays I was happy. So the knock really brought me down to earth with a bang. It shattered my normal and six/ seven weeks in I am looking at rebuilding.
i feel that I couldn’t do that with out you all who understand this whole situation and the huge range of mixed feelings.
so your not alone.
we are there with you and some ladies can offer a perspective months down the line.
you said you had a stressful job, can you have a reduced work load/ flexible hours. Is the occupational therapist involved who can offer recommendations. It would be worth it for them as I am sure you are a very valuable member of there team.
sending you lots of love. It’s a shame the forum is virtual as I know if we were face to face we could all get coffee and cake together.
Sorry it’s all a little rubbish, like I said previously I am the sort of person who likes to fix a problem and this is something that we can’t do , it’s down to the men themselves. . Saying that self care is very hard but we do need to put our well-being first so can focus on our children.
Xxxx
Its exhausting isn’t it, we didn’t set out to be the person to fix everything though that’s what I want to do.
The old advice is the best, self care and taking one moment at a time though that is harder said than done.
i am with you I am worried that after the trial things will never be the same but as women and here have shown me it just becomes another type of normal. Saying that I am frustrated as it’s not what I wanted. I worked hard to have a stable relationship and job I looked around and people who had lots of drama in their life’s, and thought you know what I am content with what I have. I didn’t need posh cars or big holidays I was happy. So the knock really brought me down to earth with a bang. It shattered my normal and six/ seven weeks in I am looking at rebuilding.
i feel that I couldn’t do that with out you all who understand this whole situation and the huge range of mixed feelings.
so your not alone.
we are there with you and some ladies can offer a perspective months down the line.
you said you had a stressful job, can you have a reduced work load/ flexible hours. Is the occupational therapist involved who can offer recommendations. It would be worth it for them as I am sure you are a very valuable member of there team.
sending you lots of love. It’s a shame the forum is virtual as I know if we were face to face we could all get coffee and cake together.
Sorry it’s all a little rubbish, like I said previously I am the sort of person who likes to fix a problem and this is something that we can’t do , it’s down to the men themselves. . Saying that self care is very hard but we do need to put our well-being first so can focus on our children.
Xxxx
Again please forgive my typos I can’t re read before I post to put punctuation in, one of the problems of using the forum on my little phone screen
Hello Maria,
life can get very overwhelming going through this can't it? This leads to panic in your mind.
Im not being patronising but you need to set aside an hour to think and prioritise what you can and can't deal with right now. You may wish to do this with your husband, he needs to share your burden as well as you share his. Or could you do this with your counsellor? Does you employer know? Can they change some of your duties for a while? They have a duty of care for you and I'm sure they wouldn't want you to be off ill.
Write your priorities down with the reasons for the priorities alonside, it helps to focus the mind when it's jumping all over the place.
Some of this stuff can wait. The constant explaining to family and friends is one, I'm sure they will understand if you just say you don't feel able to update them and explain at every whipstitch! You lose who YOU are in all of this stuff.
Try to think about the stuff you have control over and the stuff you don't. Focus on what you can control, the rest just wastes your energy. Try to mentally visualise stepping back from this, a bit like you would imagine an out of body experience. If you were looking at yourself and your situation what would you focus on visually?
As for 'after' it may get worse, it may not but all these phases eventually pass, but look at the long game, visualise yourselves in 3/5/10 years.
I know it was different for me as I didn't have young children at home. My adult children fully supported my husband and my choices. They were horrifed (actually they were disgusted) at the Police suggestion that he could have harmed them in any way.
I wish there was something I could say that would magic all the stress away, I can't but everyone here is rooting for you.
life can get very overwhelming going through this can't it? This leads to panic in your mind.
Im not being patronising but you need to set aside an hour to think and prioritise what you can and can't deal with right now. You may wish to do this with your husband, he needs to share your burden as well as you share his. Or could you do this with your counsellor? Does you employer know? Can they change some of your duties for a while? They have a duty of care for you and I'm sure they wouldn't want you to be off ill.
Write your priorities down with the reasons for the priorities alonside, it helps to focus the mind when it's jumping all over the place.
Some of this stuff can wait. The constant explaining to family and friends is one, I'm sure they will understand if you just say you don't feel able to update them and explain at every whipstitch! You lose who YOU are in all of this stuff.
Try to think about the stuff you have control over and the stuff you don't. Focus on what you can control, the rest just wastes your energy. Try to mentally visualise stepping back from this, a bit like you would imagine an out of body experience. If you were looking at yourself and your situation what would you focus on visually?
As for 'after' it may get worse, it may not but all these phases eventually pass, but look at the long game, visualise yourselves in 3/5/10 years.
I know it was different for me as I didn't have young children at home. My adult children fully supported my husband and my choices. They were horrifed (actually they were disgusted) at the Police suggestion that he could have harmed them in any way.
I wish there was something I could say that would magic all the stress away, I can't but everyone here is rooting for you.
Hi Maria. I've found that one of the hardest things in all this is keeping people who know, in the loop when I can barely process things myself. I decided to step back and stop supplying information for people to "feed" on. When it's necessary, perhaps after things happen, I'll update if I feel able, but for now I've asked people to stop asking me for details. It's all too difficult to deal with. Those who really care about my welfare understand this, and know when to just let me stay silent, whilst continuing to support me. This has been helpful for me, and those who really care respect this. Some imply that it's my "duty" to keep them posted, but for now at least, I'm not taking on other people's expectations. It's hard enough working out my own. Do look after yourself, and don't be afraid to set your own boundaries. What we're all dealing with is monstrously difficult.
Maria it is all so stressful. I must say after the court case I found that a lot of the stress was lifted as the uncertainty and worry went. I found that in the lead up just taking a few minutes away to do something that I liked help. It can be so difficult to get a balance when there are so many balls in the air. I hope that you find something (even as simple as watching your fav tv show with a cup of tea) just to make you feel a little bit more in control
I know what you mean. In my case it is work which has had to give. I am off sick and have a very understanding GP. Social services have been the worst to deal with - that has been a job in itself.