Social worker - what's next
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So, my husband is still under investigation but waiting for the cps to say what charges there could be. She will have had info from the police to say what ages are involved in the iioc he's viewed / downloaded. Which goes back over 10 years. He's spoken very honestly and open with me in the last few days and we have now established he has had a porn addiction which he used as a coping mechanism to escape. In his life he's has several traumatic things happen at times in close succession and financial issues he shielded from me to protect me. This obviously does not excuse what he has done but I can see how it leads to the porn addiction being developed.
I am speaking to the social worker tomorrow. I would like contact to be allowed in the family home for special occasions as currently its contact in the community. This is not practical and not fair on my young children who suffer as a consequence. The investigation has proved they're not involved in this, have not been abused and there is no contact offences, grooming or anything like that it's all image based. I want to make it clear that I am supporting him as father to our children, that I see his remorse and that therapy is helping him, that I have been reading about porn addiction and intend to do the course for partners. I want her to know that although I understand what he has done I don't condone it. I don't want to come across as minimising what he's done either. Has anyone got any advice or tips so I can remain viewed as the protective parent but try to improve our contact situation whilst showing I understand the crime and also that he's a good person who did a bad thing. Or will that make me sound too supportive of him? All I want right now is the best for my kids I'm not even thinking about our relationship or future.
I am speaking to the social worker tomorrow. I would like contact to be allowed in the family home for special occasions as currently its contact in the community. This is not practical and not fair on my young children who suffer as a consequence. The investigation has proved they're not involved in this, have not been abused and there is no contact offences, grooming or anything like that it's all image based. I want to make it clear that I am supporting him as father to our children, that I see his remorse and that therapy is helping him, that I have been reading about porn addiction and intend to do the course for partners. I want her to know that although I understand what he has done I don't condone it. I don't want to come across as minimising what he's done either. Has anyone got any advice or tips so I can remain viewed as the protective parent but try to improve our contact situation whilst showing I understand the crime and also that he's a good person who did a bad thing. Or will that make me sound too supportive of him? All I want right now is the best for my kids I'm not even thinking about our relationship or future.
Hi Saphire,
This is such a tough stage to go through as you understandably want your children to be impacted as little as possible by this and to maintain a relationship with their dad but are also trying to avoid the scrutiny of social services. I don't personally have the experience of the remorseful father for my daughter but I do wish that he was as it's killing my little girl to have no contact with him. The ball is in his court and he won't pick it up.
Everyone's journey through this is slightly different and, naturally, every social worker, while having a guide to work towards, will have their own views and experiences that shape their opinion.
In my experience with social services, going down the route of the porn addiction rabbit hole is likely to be viewed as minimising and making excuses. They are also unlikely to take kindly to any comments about him being a good person. The bottom line for them will be that, unless you knew what he was doing (and I'm sure you had no idea) then you don't actually know what kind of a person he truly is and what he is capable of. I'm sure that's not something you want to hear (it's a fact I struggle daily to come to terms with) and I'm not saying it's the case, but it is the stance they will likely be taking. So any attempts to justify closer contact with credit to his character or what you think he would or wouldn't do, will likely appear as though you are minimising the risk.
I know there are people here who have had more understanding social workers and I am one who praises the support I get from my social workers (but my ex actually clearly is a risk and I have cut all contact) - I can imagine the look on their faces if I had told them he had a porn addiction which lead to this.
As I didn't go through this particular process (the LA took her from me for 9 months in total until the whole shithole he created was cleared up), I can't really say what reaction they are likely to give if you ask for contact within the home but I do know that they prefer not to change the status quo until a charge has been made or NFA. (I had zero contact with my daughter for 3 months, even though, during that time, they cleared up the allegation of abuse - the first time I spoke to her on the phone was the day the police said NFA for me).
But what I do know is that it's so different for everyone - I'm amazed to read that some men are released back to their family home at all as it wasn't allowed in our case at all and there weren't even any bail conditions. It just goes to show that one person's advice or experience could be so different from another's. I hope you find a way to work through this as I know how unbearable it is. x
This is such a tough stage to go through as you understandably want your children to be impacted as little as possible by this and to maintain a relationship with their dad but are also trying to avoid the scrutiny of social services. I don't personally have the experience of the remorseful father for my daughter but I do wish that he was as it's killing my little girl to have no contact with him. The ball is in his court and he won't pick it up.
Everyone's journey through this is slightly different and, naturally, every social worker, while having a guide to work towards, will have their own views and experiences that shape their opinion.
In my experience with social services, going down the route of the porn addiction rabbit hole is likely to be viewed as minimising and making excuses. They are also unlikely to take kindly to any comments about him being a good person. The bottom line for them will be that, unless you knew what he was doing (and I'm sure you had no idea) then you don't actually know what kind of a person he truly is and what he is capable of. I'm sure that's not something you want to hear (it's a fact I struggle daily to come to terms with) and I'm not saying it's the case, but it is the stance they will likely be taking. So any attempts to justify closer contact with credit to his character or what you think he would or wouldn't do, will likely appear as though you are minimising the risk.
I know there are people here who have had more understanding social workers and I am one who praises the support I get from my social workers (but my ex actually clearly is a risk and I have cut all contact) - I can imagine the look on their faces if I had told them he had a porn addiction which lead to this.
As I didn't go through this particular process (the LA took her from me for 9 months in total until the whole shithole he created was cleared up), I can't really say what reaction they are likely to give if you ask for contact within the home but I do know that they prefer not to change the status quo until a charge has been made or NFA. (I had zero contact with my daughter for 3 months, even though, during that time, they cleared up the allegation of abuse - the first time I spoke to her on the phone was the day the police said NFA for me).
But what I do know is that it's so different for everyone - I'm amazed to read that some men are released back to their family home at all as it wasn't allowed in our case at all and there weren't even any bail conditions. It just goes to show that one person's advice or experience could be so different from another's. I hope you find a way to work through this as I know how unbearable it is. x
Thanks okay I could probably do with holding back. I probably need to process this a bit longer before I say too much. I think I will see what she says and then let him push for the contact to change and fight his corner on it.
Hi saphire
I is hard I have told them that there is a number of things that I need to see before I would allow contact between my partner and the children,, now my partner has no restrictions on him at all but I have been told I have made excuses for him and minimise his actions.
We are on child protection plans and he is at the moment in prison and classes as high risk which I understand because he currently has no way of showing he is changing his behaviour,, he has said he is willing to pay to do the course to show he wants help.
I have a enough meeting coming up and I have redone my child protection plan,, safeguarding,, signs of abuse. Had talks with both of my children about abuse.
Who we can talk to if we are worried about people
Pants,, body triangle where someone shouldn't touch and why.
If someone makes us feel uncomfortable what we should do. I am doing the course with stop it now,, I am looking into doing a child protection course and safeguarding course. I have also said that if I saw anything I would call the police.
I have a emergency plan to so if I should be taken ill then I can't get hold of emergency contact I would ring the police explain he can't have unsupervised contact and someone needs to come to the children or I would call the duty sw. Hope this gives u some help xx
I is hard I have told them that there is a number of things that I need to see before I would allow contact between my partner and the children,, now my partner has no restrictions on him at all but I have been told I have made excuses for him and minimise his actions.
We are on child protection plans and he is at the moment in prison and classes as high risk which I understand because he currently has no way of showing he is changing his behaviour,, he has said he is willing to pay to do the course to show he wants help.
I have a enough meeting coming up and I have redone my child protection plan,, safeguarding,, signs of abuse. Had talks with both of my children about abuse.
Who we can talk to if we are worried about people
Pants,, body triangle where someone shouldn't touch and why.
If someone makes us feel uncomfortable what we should do. I am doing the course with stop it now,, I am looking into doing a child protection course and safeguarding course. I have also said that if I saw anything I would call the police.
I have a emergency plan to so if I should be taken ill then I can't get hold of emergency contact I would ring the police explain he can't have unsupervised contact and someone needs to come to the children or I would call the duty sw. Hope this gives u some help xx
Hi Vickie thank this is all good things to consider is there a template you've followed or just typed it up or wrote it out? I don't want him living here and I don't want him here regularly right now I just want the kids to have time with him in their home as I'm sick of spending every weekend trying to convince a 3 and a 6 Yr old it's fun to walk around and around or drive around and around if it's raining.
Hi Saphire
Following the knock in July 2019 we had contact in the community throughout the investigation and we were allowed to go to family gatherings as I was the supervised contact.
Contact in the community was easier in the Summer than in the Autumn/Winter as we could see each other more often. In the Autumn it became much harder and we saw each other less and less. We had always said from the beginning our intention was to remain a family so they always knew our plans.
In Sep/Oct a different SW from the assessments team conducted a protective parenting risk assessment on us both which took six weeks; as we wanted supervised in the home. They also took into account what my teenage son also wanted. Following the risk assessment I was deemed as protective and able to supervise my husband within the home.
In Nov we were allowed contact in the home one afternoon after school for five hours and a weekend day after meeting in the community. We were put on a CIN plan for 10 months until the case was closed (just after the case went to the CPS).
SS saw the following as protective:
• Phoning the helpline
• Husband remorseful for the offence and taking ownership
• Seeking support for your mental health GP/Counsellor
• Doing the courses; my husband completed the Inform Plus course while I did the Inform
• My teenage son did a six week course around keeping safe.
• Reading up on the Parents Protect website
• Doing a safeguarding course.
Everytime we did a bit more we gained an additional afternoon. By the time they closed the case we had 3 afternoons in the week and one weekend day.
Is your case closed? What have they said you need to do to reopen the case? I also asked had they had any experience of this type of offence and the outcomes.
My son was also allowed to speak with my husband over the phone if I was in the room and we also used Skype to keep in contact.
Following the knock in July 2019 we had contact in the community throughout the investigation and we were allowed to go to family gatherings as I was the supervised contact.
Contact in the community was easier in the Summer than in the Autumn/Winter as we could see each other more often. In the Autumn it became much harder and we saw each other less and less. We had always said from the beginning our intention was to remain a family so they always knew our plans.
In Sep/Oct a different SW from the assessments team conducted a protective parenting risk assessment on us both which took six weeks; as we wanted supervised in the home. They also took into account what my teenage son also wanted. Following the risk assessment I was deemed as protective and able to supervise my husband within the home.
In Nov we were allowed contact in the home one afternoon after school for five hours and a weekend day after meeting in the community. We were put on a CIN plan for 10 months until the case was closed (just after the case went to the CPS).
SS saw the following as protective:
• Phoning the helpline
• Husband remorseful for the offence and taking ownership
• Seeking support for your mental health GP/Counsellor
• Doing the courses; my husband completed the Inform Plus course while I did the Inform
• My teenage son did a six week course around keeping safe.
• Reading up on the Parents Protect website
• Doing a safeguarding course.
Everytime we did a bit more we gained an additional afternoon. By the time they closed the case we had 3 afternoons in the week and one weekend day.
Is your case closed? What have they said you need to do to reopen the case? I also asked had they had any experience of this type of offence and the outcomes.
My son was also allowed to speak with my husband over the phone if I was in the room and we also used Skype to keep in contact.
They closed the case a couple of weeks ago although my husband protested against the contact in the community and wanted to visit the home for special occasions. At that time we had no idea his devices were almost completely analysed neither did the sw. She closed the case even though we were in the middle or getting ammendments added she never sent and amended version to show things we had altered details we told her were incorrect. My husband requested her manager contact him. The manager never did. They said the contact in the community was based on them not having much info from the police in terms of what images he viewed or sent, ages or confirmation our children hadnt been involved. They said they didn't want my husband in the home because things get too comfortable even though I am the protective parent supervising. They said once more info is available they can review it. My husband is waiting for the cps to say what charges he will have. We are expecting that within the next month.
So she's phoned me leaving a voice message to say she's had an update from the police. So I will ring her back tomorrow. I am just going to see what she says. I have completed safe guarding and child protection courses through my job so I am aware of this. I have spoken to my gp for my mental health in this. I have looked at the Inform course for partners and intend to do this as soon as I can. My husband intends on doing the Inform course for offenders. He is having therapy with a stopso therapist. I am going to have a session with the same therapist also. I've been reading up on porn addiction and the stop it now website.
So she's phoned me leaving a voice message to say she's had an update from the police. So I will ring her back tomorrow. I am just going to see what she says. I have completed safe guarding and child protection courses through my job so I am aware of this. I have spoken to my gp for my mental health in this. I have looked at the Inform course for partners and intend to do this as soon as I can. My husband intends on doing the Inform course for offenders. He is having therapy with a stopso therapist. I am going to have a session with the same therapist also. I've been reading up on porn addiction and the stop it now website.