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***Advice for new members on surviving those early days ***

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Rainbowgirl80

Member since
May 2020

204 posts

Posted Sun March 21, 2021 10:17amReport post

Rainbowgirl80

Report post

Hi, I presume that you've now found yourself in the place where nobody wants to be, as do we.

Your partner / family member has been arrested for an online sexual offence against children, you are probably feeling like a bomb has been dropped on your life... Your whole world has been shattered.

We have all been there!

This post is to enable those of us who are further into this traumatic journey to share advice and guidance on how to get through each day and what to expect.

9 months after my husband's arrest / the knock, these are my tips...

1. Be kind to yourself. Your whole world has been shattered.. Its OK to feel however you do.... You will be an emotional roller coaster for a good while.

2. Seek support - from the forum, lff helpline, family and friends if you can, your gp and if possible counselling. I had a 24 hour helpline I could use through work. It was a godsend.

3. Don't allow others to tell you how to feel.

You may hear the P word banded about willy nilly... Thats not always the case... Don't make assumptions...

This offence is very complex. Society is extremely opinionated and judgemental about this offence. Try to understand how your family member may have fell down that rabbit hole.THe choice of whether you support them or not is your choice nobody else's.

4. Don't make any rash decisions. You will probably go into fight or flight mode, so don't do anything hasty. You will have time. Investigations can take between a couple of months and a couple of years to conclude so give yourself time.

5. Self care - hot bubble baths, writing your thoughts in a journal, meditation and breathing exercise will all help calm your central nervous system and build your inner strength and resilience.

6. Understanding takes time. Your loved one will probably be in such a state and now has to unpick how they ended up down that rabbit hole. It may take a while to get your answers.

7. Social services will get involved if you have children so expect to be spoken to or visited by them. Keep an open mind about the offence. They are quick to accuse people of minimising or being in denial.

8. Knowledge is power. The amazing warrior women on this and the stop so forum have been through everything you can imagine... Listen to their advice, guidance and support. However... Every case is different and there is very little consistency at how this is dealt with by police, social services etc so try not to compare your family members case to others.

9. Unless it's a vigilante sting then the only people who know for now are those you have told. At first I felt like it was tattooed to my forehead. It wasn't and it isn't to yours either. Not every case hits the media and if it does it won't be until court which is way down the line so as above... Don't do anything hasty.

10. None of this is your fault. Your loved one was offending without your knowledge and hiding it well.

11. Knowledge is power. Take your time to understand this offence and your partner / family member and keep an open mind as more revelations could come along further down the line. This is not black and white.

12. You will get through this. You will build resillence you didn't know was possible. I remember those early days I felt like I was in the middle of a maze with brick walls all around me... You will slowly knock down these walls.

13.Seek support whenever you need it yet don't let this define you. You are still you.

14. Consider and speak to the helpline about the inform course. This will help you to understand every aspect of this. You will also meet an amazing group of women going through similar journeys... You are encouraged to keep in touch and swap numbers etc so you really will feel less alone.

I hope that helps.

I hope other women also share their hints and tips for surviving those early days.

Sending you lots of love and strength Xxxx

CrazyMayBaby

Member since
October 2018

33 posts

Posted Fri May 28, 2021 9:42amReport post

Hello,

I'm years down the line from my husband offending and have very much been to hell and back.

I think your post and the advice you have written is fantastic - couldn't agree more. I really hope it gets read lots.

Best wishes,



MayBaby

Dontunderstand

Member since
May 2021

5 posts

Posted Tue June 1, 2021 12:52pmReport post

I had the knock three weeks ago, felt like a bomb has gone off and the ripple effect is enormous. We have been married 49 years , has he been at all that time and I didn’t know?



so many questions but no answers.



your post I can relate to so very much thank you

Wendy

Member since
July 2021

1 post

Posted Fri July 2, 2021 8:28amReport post

Hi all i have just read the post point by point. Thank you it's helping me so muchxx

38Iris

Member since
July 2021

1 post

Posted Sun July 11, 2021 8:17pmReport post

Thanks for this I wish I knew about this when my husband was arrested last year. He has been sentenced to combination of probation and sexual offenders list. It hit the media which gave details that I never knew about ie infants! My husband pleaded guilty but says he never knew it was infants. His online offences were over 4 days, 98000 files were found and 114 came back underage including infants. He still claims he never viewed infants and had a serious attempt at his life. I have lost every one and need to compete ability to protect to get my girls back. I'm I being naive believing him? The social worker and barrister said only he will know the truth

Luxy

Member since
April 2020

55 posts

Posted Sun July 25, 2021 8:40pmReport post

Hi 38Iris,

I think only you can know if you believe him or not. In your heart of heart you will know. Would you 100 per cent trust him around children ? That's for you to decide.
I don't think we ever find out "why" it's the one unanswered question, and after coming out the other end, one thing I have realised, is that we never ever, really know what is going on in another persons head. I wish you luck. The first post is brilliant, I wish it had been there on the start of my journey as every point is spot on.

Ruth

Member since
December 2018

6 posts

Posted Fri July 30, 2021 11:15amReport post

Like others on this forum, this all happened 2 and a half years ago for me and yes "to hell and back" is a good expression, one that I can identify with.
The emotions are ones that I had never felt before nor ever want to feel again. It still hurts hugely and my husband and I are no longer together and haven't been from quite early on in the aftermath.

My reason for posting today is to recommend this book as it has helped me to come to terms with my feelings, to understand the extremes of emotion and to know that I am not alone in having them.

"Eating the Elephant" by Alice Wells.

I've read it twice. The first not long after the initial discovery and the second, well I finished it last night. Both readings have given me something different and I have felt an acknowledgement on what I feel.

Sending love to you all xx

Bluebell77

Member since
October 2020

79 posts

Posted Thu May 5, 2022 2:02pmReport post

Bump

Heroine failing

Member since
May 2022

34 posts

Posted Thu May 5, 2022 3:59pmReport post

Mine happened 9 days ago. He has told me that he'd been on chatlines for 3 years. Why didn't I know ? This girl was on a chatline and he communicated with her on 3 occasions over 5 days. Now I wish I could shut my mind off but I can't. I do love him but just can't understand.

Daffodil

Member since
March 2022

975 posts

Posted Fri May 6, 2022 6:02pmReport post

Post deleted


Edited Tue October 24, 2023 9:12am

Terrifiedparent

Member since
May 2022

1 post

Posted Sun May 15, 2022 9:34pmReport post

Thank you for this.

2 weeks in now and can't see a happy future at the moment. Our child is struggling with not seeing daddy and my emotions are all over the place.

Hoping for some sort of positive news but I fear we have a long road ahead

Nets

Member since
July 2022

1 post

Posted Thu July 7, 2022 9:58amReport post

It's been 3 days since my early morning 'knock' and my life was ripped apart at the seams.

The only small mercy was my 15 year old daughter was away with my family and didn't have to witness her beloved Dad being taken away by the police.

Ive brought her home early and had to explain to her last night why Dad isn't at home and can't come home.

My heart is broken in a way I didn't know was possible

Thank you for you advice it's helps to know that this unbearable rollercoaster is not one I'm riding alone

Will I ever stop crying ?

Edited Thu July 7, 2022 12:01pm

Smile through tears

Member since
September 2021

2241 posts

Posted Fri July 8, 2022 4:25amReport post

Hi my lovely.

big mummy hug sent and I promise you will stop crying xxxxxxxxxx

Alison20

Member since
March 2021

332 posts

Posted Tue August 30, 2022 1:55pmReport post

Bump - so that Blossom and other new members can have a read of this post. x

Hidden self

Member since
September 2019

1 post

Posted Sat September 3, 2022 12:21amReport post

In reply to Rainbowgirls post, she offers a lot of wise words and advice. My "hell" started in Sep 2018 and sentencing took until December 2021 - police procedures, Covid, police incompetence, court delays, you name it. Do remember, this is not your fault

This said and now Sept 2022, I'm really getting back to being me. It's taken a long time, but since the sentencing, I feel like I can be allowed to get on with my life again and be me, not the life I/my daughter were dealt with post this crap. Those first few months of shock and trauma are the scariest part of a normal life, and for that, I cannot forgive but I'll now live with this, in my own way.

Such a sad way to meet up with others in similar positions and at the time, when this all started, I couldn't see any respite, but it does come. I truly, from the bottom of my heart, want to wish you the best outome for you and I hope you heal xx

blossom

Member since
August 2022

19 posts

Posted Sun September 4, 2022 9:37amReport post

Thanks so much for this - I really needed to hear it today. I just seem to be yo-yoing from fight to flight to freeze at the moment!

One day at a time

Member since
September 2022

4 posts

Posted Sat September 10, 2022 4:20pmReport post

Just reading all these posts gives me hope and makes me cry at the same time.

I got the knock two days ago and my world just feels shattered. Just hearing what they were arresting him for just felt so surreal. When he told everything that night I just couldn't believe what I was hearing.

We've been together 10 years and it's been happening longer than that. I just can't believe the person I love and everything I know now are the same person.

Just trying to take it a day at a time right now but already so grateful that this space is here, and know that there is hope.

Bitterbean

Member since
December 2021

623 posts

Posted Wed October 26, 2022 11:42amReport post

Bump

Numb and scared

Member since
May 2023

12 posts

Posted Wed May 31, 2023 9:42amReport post

This is my first post..... Takes a bit of courage!



Rainbowgirl80 - thanks for your post. Early days for me. I have so many conflicting emotions. Realising I have a long hard journey ahead.

Don'tunderstand - I think some of my situation/life stages may be similar to yours. If love to know how you are coping. Let me know if I can message you?

K4

Member since
October 2022

518 posts

Posted Fri June 2, 2023 5:23pmReport post

Well done on posting, Numb and Scared, and sorry you've joined this club.



you may get more responses in the discussion and support section as that is where all the traffic tends to go.



Once you've been approved by moderators, I think messaging is pretty straightforward. You're welcome to message me



x

Ellaine

Member since
May 2023

2 posts

Posted Sat July 29, 2023 12:04pmReport post

Thank you Rainbow80 for your advice. I found it very supportive.

We didn't receive The Knock. My husband of 41 years, was picked up at the airport as we returned from holiday at the end of May. It was a very big shock for myself and two adult daughters. He had always put himself out there as a very upright citizen who would never, even so much, risk a parking fine.

Apparently his conversations with women/girls have been going on for 9 years. He knows he could go to jail but the whole process could take 2 years or more. He has never been a person to think about the consequences of his actions.

At the moment we are 'coexisting'. Living alongside each other but not doing much socially together. He has started the counselling course and I am seeing a counsellor to help me see my way through this mess.

How I see our future together is very much up in the air. I think this will be decided, if and when I actually know what he has said. My mood varies from day to day. I know I have a long rocky road ahead.

It is helpful to hear from someone who has been through it and come out the other side. Thank you







for

Embarrassed GF

Member since
August 2023

10 posts

Posted Fri August 18, 2023 5:36pmReport post

9 months in since knock, no court dates yet and still living in limbo. Just want to curl up and disappear. He don't wanna talk about it point blank, when I try we end up arguing.
He has decided we need a break. I'm heartbroken, downtrodden and keep thinking what if!!!
how I've not completely lost it and broken down I honestly don't know.
Hate my life right now.

rainyday52

Member since
April 2023

339 posts

Posted Mon August 21, 2023 8:53amReport post

Embarrassed - I am so sorry that you are feeling like this and wanted to let you know that your feelings are completely valid. It's bad enough for those of us living with partners/sons who are willing to talk and get help, when everything else takes such a very long time. Your partners refusal to talk to you is making things so much harder for you. All I can suggest is that perhaps you can talk together with someone else there as an intermediary eg your GP perhaps, just to open up the channels of communication. I don't know anything about your OH so can't suggest why he's being like this - pride? shame? refusal to accept he's done anything wrong? - or his motivation for saying he wants a break, and it must all be very difficult for you.

Do use this forum as a way to talk to others who understand - and most of us are happy to talk privately by messaging on here if that's better. You MUST look after yourself . Do you have a friend or family member who you trust to talk to or even find a counsellor just for you or ring the helpline on here as often as you need to.

Not much advise to offer I'm afraid but wanted you to know you are heard by others xx

Embarrassed GF

Member since
August 2023

10 posts

Posted Mon August 21, 2023 9:30pmReport post

Thank you I've spoken to my mental health nurse today. She is going to see what she can offer/support.
it's the not knowing for certain ????

Annie3

Member since
September 2023

1 post

Posted Thu September 14, 2023 3:39pmReport post

Annie3

1 month since the KNOCK ???????? I don't know what to do!!!!

I can't seem to be able to think I walk through cotton wool. Sometimes I just sit and cry and then have a panic attack!! If I get a knock on the front door in my head I become hysterical. Who do I speak too? Who can I trust!!! Please someone help me!!

rainyday52

Member since
April 2023

339 posts

Posted Fri September 15, 2023 9:47pmReport post

Annie - you are going through a nightmare that sadly lots of us on here are all too familiar with. It's horrible and shocking and almost impossible to accept it's actually happening. I don't know your details but you are in shock still and probably suffering from some kind of PTSD so I would really encourage you to speak to your GP.

It might not help you right now but I need to say that things WILL get better although there will be relapses into these feelings of despair and you need to look after yourself. You will find you have reserves of strength you never knew you had although you might doubt that right now! I hope you have people you trust who you can talk to, but do post on here whenever you like. You may find more replies if you post on the top Discussion forum as people seem to see things there more than the other forums.

Sending love and stregth xx

SummerSun23

Member since
September 2023

20 posts

Posted Thu September 21, 2023 5:41amReport post

Post deleted by user


Edited Thu September 21, 2023 5:50am

CM1256

Member since
December 2021

34 posts

Posted Thu September 21, 2023 10:13pmReport post

Hi Annie 3,

We can all identfiy with what you are feeling. This Forum is amazing. If your circumstances allow, get as much support for yourself as possible. We are a family of 3 and nobody outside of that knows what we have been going through 2 years after we got the knock on the door. I would be totally lost without the support of this group. We can describe how we feel without judgement. Sometimes it is hard to even breathe. Be kind to yourself. Please know that you are not alone.

Sending you hugs

CM1256

Member since
December 2021

34 posts

Posted Thu September 21, 2023 10:13pmReport post

Hi Annie 3,

We can all identfiy with what you are feeling. This Forum is amazing. If your circumstances allow, get as much support for yourself as possible. We are a family of 3 and nobody outside of that knows what we have been going through 2 years after we got the knock on the door. I would be totally lost without the support of this group. We can describe how we feel without judgement. Sometimes it is hard to even breathe. Be kind to yourself. Please know that you are not alone.

Sending you hugs

CM1256

Member since
December 2021

34 posts

Posted Thu September 21, 2023 10:13pmReport post

Post deleted by user


Edited Thu September 21, 2023 10:13pm

LDELost

Member since
October 2023

9 posts

Posted Sun October 15, 2023 10:17pmReport post

I have unfortunately had to join this club after my husband was arrested a week ago for sending a picture of a friends daughter to some man on the internet. I'm so shocked and can't believe that that man and the man I love are the same person. We've been together for 15 years and i knew nothing! He is now completely broken and suffering suicidal thought and bad anxiety and depression. I am so conflicted because I still love him but I can't face what he has done and what is to come.

Ocean

Member since
September 2023

347 posts

Posted Mon October 16, 2023 12:44pmReport post

Hello LDELost, I'm so sorry that you have needed to join this group but you've come to the right place for support and advice. You will find people on the forum who are like you and right at the start of the journey and others who are much further down the road.

You've been through a traumatic, life changing event so at the moment you will still be in shock. My heart goes out to know knowing how awful those first few weeks and months are. I know you won't want to hear this but you are now on what could be a long journey so it's important to get support. I would recommend contacting the LFF helpline and also speaking with your GP for support if you haven't already done so. I believe it's also important to not make any big decisions during those early days as things may look different later on.

I realise it's still very early days but is your person getting help and support as he try's to come to terms with the reasons why he did what he did? If you need any help with signposting then the people on this forum wil be able to help you.

You will find that most people read the Discussion and support category more than other categories so you might want to post on there as you will receive more replies.

I'm sending you a big virtual hug and want to reassure you that we are her for you.

Lee 2.0

Member since
March 2023

602 posts

Posted Mon October 16, 2023 8:02pmReport post

Post deleted


Edited Fri November 3, 2023 11:56am

Mum second time on this journey

Member since
December 2023

7 posts

Posted Fri December 29, 2023 9:00pmReport post

It's very interesting to read your posts, unfortunately this will be the second time for me and my son.

I didn't take the time last to understand the full context of how this thing affects some people. It's an addiction, it's an illness I don't really know for sure.

But what I do know is don't let your guard down, it did.



So here I am again in this living he'll, trying to help my son. I know it's not what you maybe want to hear but I don't want anyone else to walk my lonely path.

Edited by moderator Tue January 2, 2024 9:40am

Jaqueline Caille

Member since
December 2023

1 post

Posted Tue January 9, 2024 1:24pmReport post

My family member is just 4 weeks away from the Trial after 14 months on bail. I have felt every emotion possible, starting with revulsion and disgust. I still love them very much but it has caused me to have a breakdown. I am so angry, I didn't want this for him, what a waste.

Ocean

Member since
September 2023

347 posts

Posted Tue January 9, 2024 10:08pmReport post

Jacqueline, I'm so sorry you have found yourself here. Many of us will be able to recognise the way you feel as we've been there ourselves.

The next 4 weeks are going to be so hard but we're all here to walk this part of the journey with you. You may find you get more response if you post on the discussion category as more people tend to read the posts on there.

I hope you and your person are receiving some support as it's important you look after yourself during these difficult weeks.

Take care of yourself and remember that we're here for you.

Jadeypops

Member since
January 2024

8 posts

Posted Wed January 31, 2024 6:22pmReport post

I'm two weeks in from finding out. He hid it from me the whole time we were together. He willingly got me pregnant. I'm now homeless and I detest him. A 13 year old and he knew and was teaching her things and being very graphic. He's lied the whole way so I'm going to court to hear the gory details.

I hope he gets sent down. It went from magistrates to Crown he told me it was for a fight. He only told me after they sent it to crown and he had to sign the register. No messing around.

I hate him. He's used me to cover his tracks as I'm five years older than him. He purposely got me pregnant knowing this, moved me out of my flat and into his. I got debt out for him and he's left me in a bad place.

He has ruined my life and I'm full of anger.

Edited by moderator Fri February 2, 2024 4:31pm

Alison20

Member since
March 2021

332 posts

Posted Mon February 12, 2024 5:54pmReport post

Bump - moved this to the top, so new members to the forum can find it easily.

Worried_Daughter

Member since
February 2024

5 posts

Posted Mon February 12, 2024 7:42pmReport post

Thanks for the signposting to this thread, after reading through the posts it has helped me think about what needs to be done now. Thanks.