1 year on from court
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Hi, I haven't been on here since court a year today. My husband got 1 year probation and 5 years on the register. He was convicted of iioc. Today makes me think of the thing all over again. I thought I was doing well, but today I've hit rock bottom. I'm back to the day of the knock and reliving all of it again. He was first arrested September 2018 and was only convicted a year today.
I need to stop reliving it all over again at the mear thought of the police, or the calls from the notice team through the register. He had his last call from probation today and now I feel like he could reoffend easier now. Ive put blocks on the internet for adult content and they've been put in place when he got arrested but I feel they were just a back up to the probation. It's now the first line of defence and I'm not sure I trust it as much.
What the hell do I do
Many thanks
I need to stop reliving it all over again at the mear thought of the police, or the calls from the notice team through the register. He had his last call from probation today and now I feel like he could reoffend easier now. Ive put blocks on the internet for adult content and they've been put in place when he got arrested but I feel they were just a back up to the probation. It's now the first line of defence and I'm not sure I trust it as much.
What the hell do I do
Many thanks
I'm so sorry you are going through this.
I feel like I always come at this from such a different angle to everyone else... but, my thoughts are, why are you still with him if you cannot trust him? Trust is surely the most important basis of a relationship? The least he can do for you, after what he has put you through, is make damn sure he doesn't put you through anymore trauma. If you think he's capable of lying, of commiting criminal acts, do you want to be with him? X
I feel like I always come at this from such a different angle to everyone else... but, my thoughts are, why are you still with him if you cannot trust him? Trust is surely the most important basis of a relationship? The least he can do for you, after what he has put you through, is make damn sure he doesn't put you through anymore trauma. If you think he's capable of lying, of commiting criminal acts, do you want to be with him? X
It's not the trust of him it's the trust if the blocks are strong enough to continue to keep his life on track.
He's my husband and I love him. I think it's more my insecurities about the process etc rather than his actions
He's my husband and I love him. I think it's more my insecurities about the process etc rather than his actions
So, you think he is capable of committing further offences? That he would choose to do that? And the only thing stopping him is a barrier in the form of device and internet controls?
I would be really worried about being with someone who I felt would want to do that? He shouldn't need a block to be In place. And anyone can get around those - you can have all the blocks possible, and someone still access that content, by eg using a different device on 4G.
You need to be able to trust that he has no INTENTION of even TRYING to access anything unethical or illegal. If there is any chance at all you think he might try to do that, he needs to seek help... first port of call would be the stopitnow helpline, and talk it over with them?
I would be really worried about being with someone who I felt would want to do that? He shouldn't need a block to be In place. And anyone can get around those - you can have all the blocks possible, and someone still access that content, by eg using a different device on 4G.
You need to be able to trust that he has no INTENTION of even TRYING to access anything unethical or illegal. If there is any chance at all you think he might try to do that, he needs to seek help... first port of call would be the stopitnow helpline, and talk it over with them?
My partner has less than a year left with his probation but from my understanding he will have a final assessment and if deemed a too high risk of reoffending probation team can request for probation to be extended.
Perhaps you could reach out to the probation officer for help on how to manage going forward. I too have that fear my partner could slip up but he has had the inform course to help him spot and stop triggers, has had support from probation on keeping mentally active and resilient and I know some of the signs to look out for.
I would also have a frank discussion with your partner on what he knows could make him slip and ask what he will do to ensure he doesn't. It isn't all on you to prevent him offending, and to be honest it really isn't your responsibility at all. He is an adult and responsibile for his actions. Yes keep the safeguards for peace of mind, but it is true that if he does get the urge to reoffend or carryout dodgey activity that could lead him back down the rabbit hole he needs the help to gain self control. Otherwise he may look for ways to get around the safeguards.
Perhaps you could reach out to the probation officer for help on how to manage going forward. I too have that fear my partner could slip up but he has had the inform course to help him spot and stop triggers, has had support from probation on keeping mentally active and resilient and I know some of the signs to look out for.
I would also have a frank discussion with your partner on what he knows could make him slip and ask what he will do to ensure he doesn't. It isn't all on you to prevent him offending, and to be honest it really isn't your responsibility at all. He is an adult and responsibile for his actions. Yes keep the safeguards for peace of mind, but it is true that if he does get the urge to reoffend or carryout dodgey activity that could lead him back down the rabbit hole he needs the help to gain self control. Otherwise he may look for ways to get around the safeguards.
Do you think he would benefit from some counselling? It sounds like you don't think he has addressed what caused this to occur in the first place. It might be worth him contacting Stop So and see if there is anything they can offer counselling etc wise.
Hello D1286,
After reading through this thread, it is clear that you are in a difficult situation, and naturally concerned about the end of your partners supervision. I think it would be really helpful for you to contact the helpline directly to talk through these concerns and access some support. I want to highlight that I think it is very brave and realistic to recognise that you are concerned about risk. Risk does not just disappear; it is an on-going thing that needs to be regularly monitored and re-evaluated. As we often say to say to men we work with, I am sure they believed this behaviour would never have happened in the first place, so belief and trust that it will never happen again is not enough to manage risk. Individuals need to be proactive in recognising factors that increase and decrease risk and ways that they can manage this. It seems as if you are being very responsible and honest with yourself and others by acknowledging your concerns. Trust is a very complex thing and I would like to highlight that recognition of risk does not mean you do not trust him.
I wonder if you have spoken to him about these concerns? I wonder if you and/or him have engaged with our Stop It Now! helpline to discuss ways you can manage this moving forward. Conversations regarding relapse prevention are so important, and I want to say well done for opening this topic for others to consider. I hope that you feel able to talk to him about these thoughts, and continue to gain benefit from accessing the forum and receive supporting and non-judgmental guidance.
Take care,
Lucy
After reading through this thread, it is clear that you are in a difficult situation, and naturally concerned about the end of your partners supervision. I think it would be really helpful for you to contact the helpline directly to talk through these concerns and access some support. I want to highlight that I think it is very brave and realistic to recognise that you are concerned about risk. Risk does not just disappear; it is an on-going thing that needs to be regularly monitored and re-evaluated. As we often say to say to men we work with, I am sure they believed this behaviour would never have happened in the first place, so belief and trust that it will never happen again is not enough to manage risk. Individuals need to be proactive in recognising factors that increase and decrease risk and ways that they can manage this. It seems as if you are being very responsible and honest with yourself and others by acknowledging your concerns. Trust is a very complex thing and I would like to highlight that recognition of risk does not mean you do not trust him.
I wonder if you have spoken to him about these concerns? I wonder if you and/or him have engaged with our Stop It Now! helpline to discuss ways you can manage this moving forward. Conversations regarding relapse prevention are so important, and I want to say well done for opening this topic for others to consider. I hope that you feel able to talk to him about these thoughts, and continue to gain benefit from accessing the forum and receive supporting and non-judgmental guidance.
Take care,
Lucy