Channel 4 Programme - Married to a Paedophile
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Did you see the Channel 4 programme, Married to a Paedophile, on Monday 3 September?
It was a compelling documentary that follows two families as they come to terms with the realisation that a loved one has been looking at online sexual images of children.
If you haven't already seen it, it's a really powerful watch. You'll need to register with Channel 4 if you haven't already before watching. It's available to watch again until the end of September.
And Tom Squire from The Lucy Faithfull Foundation wrote an opinion piece for The Guardian, talking about the programme and explaining the work we do to deter people from looking at indecent images of children.
You can access the Channel 4 programme and The Guardian article via the links below.
Channel 4, Married to a Paedophile
The Guardian article
It was a compelling documentary that follows two families as they come to terms with the realisation that a loved one has been looking at online sexual images of children.
If you haven't already seen it, it's a really powerful watch. You'll need to register with Channel 4 if you haven't already before watching. It's available to watch again until the end of September.
And Tom Squire from The Lucy Faithfull Foundation wrote an opinion piece for The Guardian, talking about the programme and explaining the work we do to deter people from looking at indecent images of children.
You can access the Channel 4 programme and The Guardian article via the links below.
Channel 4, Married to a Paedophile
The Guardian article
One thing that was so painful about the programme was the often horrendous way women who choose to stay with their partners are treated by people in the community. I had some really vile neighbours who made my life a misery even though I threw my husband out. I can't imagine what it would have been like if I'd tried to keep the relationship going. What experiences have other women had?
Hi, I'm an ex-wife of someone convicted of viewing child abuse images - it's now 8 years since this happened. I'm afraid i could not watch the programme. I am so pleased to see that this subject is being covered, and maybe it will change the way that the publici engage with partners/family/friends. But for now I am still too emtionally affected by what happened. I find that I could go for weeks without crying or being upset, but then something will spark a memory and it is like being there are over again. I was lucky enough to have CBT four years after the arrest and it helped my hugely. I had thought I was coping OK but then had what I can only describe as a nervous breakdown. Although never formally diagnised, I showed all the symptoms of PTSD. I am so pleased to see this forum and if anyone wants any support, I am proof that it does improve and it will be OK. A different sort of OK, but OK nevertheless.
Esther, I didn't stay with my husband so I can't offer any experience on that. I know that the decision for me was painful but easy. It was the betryal and the way he dealt with the offence that sealed things for me.
Wife and Mum, I'm so pleased you are finding the forum useful. I absolutely agree! It's just so empowering to be able to have these kinds of conversations in a safe space with people in similar situations. Like you, I am trying therapy. I was recommended EMDR as it has faster results than CBT. Have you heard of it? It's well worth exploring, although this type of therapy isn't cheap. I don't think you can get it on the NHS. However, a friend of mine had been feeling suicidal (largely as a result of the lingering effects of child abuse that she had suffered many years earlier - it never goes away) and she turned to EMDR in desperation. She claims it has transformed her life and helped her come to terms with the abuse as well as building her self confidence. She says it literally saved her life, and that she has been able to move on and form a new relationship and live a happy life. I'm only just starting so I don't know what the effects ultimately will be. Unfortunately, it is going to put a bit of a hole in my bank balance so I hope it will be worth it.
Yes, there are some lovely men. And my two sons will be lovely men. I am just hurt, I will be OK. You are an amazing person too and I am so happy that you are feeling positive about the future.
No I haven't heard of that. I wouldn't be able to afford that though, but I will ask my therapist when I get my next round of CBT. So great to hear positive results. People must not suffer with no help.
I'm certain you have brought your children up to have excellent values and they are decent reliable men, as I hope and believe are most men. They will thank you for the wonderful upbringing you have given them. Of course you are hurt. You were betrayed. I hope that the therapy can at least help you come to terms with the most painful emotions. It's a hard journey, isn't it?
Esther,
Thank you for your kind words and yes, it's a hard journey and a long one and one that services must acknowledge will probably take our lifetime. I don't expect that it will ever be OK and that I will need help and support on and off for my whole life. Although maybe we should start a thread on 'positives' because I know that this has chaged me hugely as a person and some of those changes are positive :-). I might do that soon.
Thank you for your kind words and yes, it's a hard journey and a long one and one that services must acknowledge will probably take our lifetime. I don't expect that it will ever be OK and that I will need help and support on and off for my whole life. Although maybe we should start a thread on 'positives' because I know that this has chaged me hugely as a person and some of those changes are positive :-). I might do that soon.
Yes, let's start thinking about positives.
The first is that we now have somewhere to derive some strength from in the shape of this forum.
Do take care, Wife and Mum.
The first is that we now have somewhere to derive some strength from in the shape of this forum.
Do take care, Wife and Mum.
I’m actually watching this now. When it was on at the time, I was kind of fascinated by the subject matter, but switched it off because I felt too uncomfortable. Now this has happened to my family, I am watching it with new eyes. The shock is fading slightly for me now and I’m going into fighting mode and feeling positive, yet by lunchtime I’ll probably be in floods of tears and on the phone to the Samaritans again!
Thanks for being there Lucy, and everyone - I’d never have reached this point without your support.
Thanks for being there Lucy, and everyone - I’d never have reached this point without your support.
I’ve just worked up the courage to watch this programme. The irony that it aired the night before “the knock” for me, and like Crystal I was almost curious to watch but had had a tough day and decided it would be too distressing to watch... then the next day happened.
I’ve only just started watching it, but I’m hoping it will be more of a help than a hindrance. My partner is away for the night, so we shall only see whether it was a smart decision to watch on my own!
I’ve only just started watching it, but I’m hoping it will be more of a help than a hindrance. My partner is away for the night, so we shall only see whether it was a smart decision to watch on my own!
I’ve had to abandon watching - I made the mistake of checking out the hashtag that goes along with the programme. Whilst there were one or two vaguely helpful tweets, the rest were a lynchmob.
The programme (what I could stomach of it) left me feeling awful about myself and my decision to stand by my partner (for the time being at least). We had had a couple of good days, and I’d had a good day myself today which was why I thought I’d be ok to watch, but the programme honestly made me feel physically sick at the thought of what my partner has done. There were a couple of similarities with Alex’s story which just made me feel sick. Feeling very anxious now and second guessing all of my feelings, plus now worrying about the potential fall out when it comes to him actually being charged.
honestly, I’m still struggling to match up the boyfriend I know with the act he has committed because the two just seem so far apart. Have a feeling I won’t be getting much sleep tonight :(
The programme (what I could stomach of it) left me feeling awful about myself and my decision to stand by my partner (for the time being at least). We had had a couple of good days, and I’d had a good day myself today which was why I thought I’d be ok to watch, but the programme honestly made me feel physically sick at the thought of what my partner has done. There were a couple of similarities with Alex’s story which just made me feel sick. Feeling very anxious now and second guessing all of my feelings, plus now worrying about the potential fall out when it comes to him actually being charged.
honestly, I’m still struggling to match up the boyfriend I know with the act he has committed because the two just seem so far apart. Have a feeling I won’t be getting much sleep tonight :(
Oh D, I’m so sorry it’s made you feel that way, I don’t tweet, so didn’t check out the hashtags. Firstly, here’s a massive hug. What we have to live with and the decisions we have to make are so difficult. Please be kind to yourself - do something nice like run a bath or something and try and lose yourself in a good book or a film or programme. Practice mindfulness, drink warm milk, try and stay in the moment. You’ll feel differently after a good sleep. Remember, you know the person, the keyboard trolls don’t. You’re tremendously brave and strong, don’t forget that.
Thank you Crystal for your kind words <3
thats exactly what I did - ran a bath, watched something a bit more lighthearted, did some yoga stretching and mindfulness and the dozed off on the sofa. Off to bed now but already have a clearer mind than I did when writing my earlier message.
thank you again for your support and compassion, it means so much xx
thats exactly what I did - ran a bath, watched something a bit more lighthearted, did some yoga stretching and mindfulness and the dozed off on the sofa. Off to bed now but already have a clearer mind than I did when writing my earlier message.
thank you again for your support and compassion, it means so much xx
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Thanks Andrea, I’m feeling a little better though still a bit more teary than I have been lately.
watching the programme and reading the tweets made me question my decision to stay with my partner - does it make me a bad person, will people think I’m condoning what he has done? We he even have any respect for me for staying with him, knowing what he has done? The questions just all started racing last night. Today is a little better though.
the programme raised a lot of questions, doubts and emotions for me, and it’s not something I think I could finish watching. Everyone’s journey is different, and I have to remind myself of that.
watching the programme and reading the tweets made me question my decision to stay with my partner - does it make me a bad person, will people think I’m condoning what he has done? We he even have any respect for me for staying with him, knowing what he has done? The questions just all started racing last night. Today is a little better though.
the programme raised a lot of questions, doubts and emotions for me, and it’s not something I think I could finish watching. Everyone’s journey is different, and I have to remind myself of that.
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And thank you Andrea for sharing as well - it is so helpful to gain perspectives from others going through similar things.
i worry about almost the opposite to you - that I have been too quick to forgive. I want to believe that my partner has been honest with me (and he has answered any question I have asked him directly), but what if there are things he hasn’t told me, or things he has downplayed? I know I’m the sort of person who inherently sees the good in people, and I just worry that I’m deluding myself. I have a call next week about getting onto an Inform course, and I also have an appointment with my doctor - I’m hoping to get referred to a therapist. My partner has also been referred to a psychosexual therapist at the hospital, and we have discussed finding a relationship therapist once we have started our individual journeys. Everything just seems to take such a long time to get started!
im glad we can all find some comfort in this forum. Andrea I’m also glad you have your friend to speak to, but would encourage you to seek professional help if you can - it can only help, right? Xx
i worry about almost the opposite to you - that I have been too quick to forgive. I want to believe that my partner has been honest with me (and he has answered any question I have asked him directly), but what if there are things he hasn’t told me, or things he has downplayed? I know I’m the sort of person who inherently sees the good in people, and I just worry that I’m deluding myself. I have a call next week about getting onto an Inform course, and I also have an appointment with my doctor - I’m hoping to get referred to a therapist. My partner has also been referred to a psychosexual therapist at the hospital, and we have discussed finding a relationship therapist once we have started our individual journeys. Everything just seems to take such a long time to get started!
im glad we can all find some comfort in this forum. Andrea I’m also glad you have your friend to speak to, but would encourage you to seek professional help if you can - it can only help, right? Xx
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Andrea see if you can get some Kalms or something like that for the flight?
You are right, we do need to be kind to ourselves. Try to make the most of your break - and good luck with the run! Even if it’s not a personal best, it will still be a huge achievement just going.
do try to use the free counselling sessions provided by your workplace as well as seeing your doctor - remember it’s there to be made use of! If your work allows, perhaps you could look at working flexibly for a little while - say one day a week from home? If you can get counselling that could be helpful on the days you need to go to sessions.
You are right, we do need to be kind to ourselves. Try to make the most of your break - and good luck with the run! Even if it’s not a personal best, it will still be a huge achievement just going.
do try to use the free counselling sessions provided by your workplace as well as seeing your doctor - remember it’s there to be made use of! If your work allows, perhaps you could look at working flexibly for a little while - say one day a week from home? If you can get counselling that could be helpful on the days you need to go to sessions.
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Absolutely- we can’t win either way! I hope tomorrow goes smoothly, then it’s time to enjoy your trip :) and just remember we are all here if you need us (but I hope you can enjoy some time away!) xxx
I watched this firstly on my own then with my husband who committed similar offences 3 years ago..When he was charged and sentenced (2 yrs suspended) I was in denial I couldnt believe that he had done such a thing I supported him throughout the proceedings .....the probation officers who dealt with him afterwards mollycoddled him (he now admits this) trivialising the offence ..!!! Punishment ???? I think not...I have recently had counselling which has helped tremendously ..The word paedophile was not used until the counselling sessions made me brave enough to confront him.. one day he came back from work and i said "you are a paedophile" He broke down I had always been careful not to say it too him for fear of upsetting him. .!! We are at the stage now where we are still together I would never trust him but it took this programme for him to realise the enormity of what hed done. He has since apologised and expressed deep regret to me and to our two adult children. I am taking one day at a time maybe I should have thrown him out when it all blew up but I didnt so thats my fault maybe..? I am hoping that we can establish some kind of respect for each other and further happiness for the future ..time will tell..
Hi Bev68,
youre stronger than me, being able to watch it twice!
Remember none of this is your fault. You didn’t throw him out at the time, and that’s ok - that is your choice to make and no one else’s. Same goes for it you decide to separate in the future- only you can make that choice, and there is no right or wrong.
in terms of rebuilding trust and respect, there are a few books recommended on another thread which may help you as a starting point (Paula Hall the partner’s perspective is a good one). You may also want to consider couples counselling, to create a safe space where you can voice your concerns and start to work with a professional to rebuild your relationship (if that’s what you want).
for now at least I am choosing to stay with my partner - but who knows, as time goes on that may change.
stay strong Bev xx
youre stronger than me, being able to watch it twice!
Remember none of this is your fault. You didn’t throw him out at the time, and that’s ok - that is your choice to make and no one else’s. Same goes for it you decide to separate in the future- only you can make that choice, and there is no right or wrong.
in terms of rebuilding trust and respect, there are a few books recommended on another thread which may help you as a starting point (Paula Hall the partner’s perspective is a good one). You may also want to consider couples counselling, to create a safe space where you can voice your concerns and start to work with a professional to rebuild your relationship (if that’s what you want).
for now at least I am choosing to stay with my partner - but who knows, as time goes on that may change.
stay strong Bev xx
Hi D
Many thanks for your kind words and support..Its so difficult to know what to do ,one minute I feel strong and in control the next im wondering what hes still doing living under the same roof as me..!! I find strength in going for long bicycle rides and other exercise listening to my favourite music ..it really does produce those feel good endorphins which helps me to cope..I will get that book and have a read of it..wishing you the best for the future and a wealth of happiness..
Bev x
Many thanks for your kind words and support..Its so difficult to know what to do ,one minute I feel strong and in control the next im wondering what hes still doing living under the same roof as me..!! I find strength in going for long bicycle rides and other exercise listening to my favourite music ..it really does produce those feel good endorphins which helps me to cope..I will get that book and have a read of it..wishing you the best for the future and a wealth of happiness..
Bev x
I’ve been reading all your posts with interest. I’m four months into this. I’m still hesitant to say too much on here. But I wanted to thank you for sharing your stories and hopefully one day I’ll feel confident to share more of mine x
Hi Bev,
You are very welcome, and I know exactly how you feel. Some days I feel ready to take on the whole world, to fight for the man I know and believe this was all a mistake; a situation spiralled out of control, which with the right help and support can be put right. Other days I just want to curl into a ball and cry, I feel so helpless. Others, I cannot stand to even look at my partner and think things of him that I wouldn’t wish to say of my worst enemy. Some days it’s a horribly confusing mix of all the above and then some!!
I’ve found my strength in doing yoga and meditation, or listening to my favourite music - things which help to define me as an individual and not necessarily us as a couple. On days when I am feeling positive, I try to take the opportunity to connect with my partner and reminisce about how we met, why we fell in love, the qualities we value in one another. Reading has really helped me - I think I’ve read 5 books in as many weeks, plus any website which looks remotely relevant!
There are a couple more books which I’ve read and would recommend (several by Paula Hall), but recommend the above as the best place to start. I mentioned one other on another thread, but once you’re done with those I’m happy to suggest any good ones I’ve read.
The fact you’ve stood by your partner for 3 years is admirable, and I hope you can find the strength and support you need to continue that, if that is what you decide is right for you.
Remember we are all here if you need us. Sending love your way xxx
You are very welcome, and I know exactly how you feel. Some days I feel ready to take on the whole world, to fight for the man I know and believe this was all a mistake; a situation spiralled out of control, which with the right help and support can be put right. Other days I just want to curl into a ball and cry, I feel so helpless. Others, I cannot stand to even look at my partner and think things of him that I wouldn’t wish to say of my worst enemy. Some days it’s a horribly confusing mix of all the above and then some!!
I’ve found my strength in doing yoga and meditation, or listening to my favourite music - things which help to define me as an individual and not necessarily us as a couple. On days when I am feeling positive, I try to take the opportunity to connect with my partner and reminisce about how we met, why we fell in love, the qualities we value in one another. Reading has really helped me - I think I’ve read 5 books in as many weeks, plus any website which looks remotely relevant!
There are a couple more books which I’ve read and would recommend (several by Paula Hall), but recommend the above as the best place to start. I mentioned one other on another thread, but once you’re done with those I’m happy to suggest any good ones I’ve read.
The fact you’ve stood by your partner for 3 years is admirable, and I hope you can find the strength and support you need to continue that, if that is what you decide is right for you.
Remember we are all here if you need us. Sending love your way xxx
Paula - thank you for being part of this community. I hope one day you are able to share, but know that we are all here for you even if you do not wish to share your story. Every one of us is now on a very different path to the one we anticipated, and as such we are our own biggest support network. Know that no one here will pass judgement on you, and we only wish you love and happiness. I hope you can continue to find strength in this community, regardless of whether you decide to post or not. xx
Thank you D. I’m currently reading the Paula Hall book for partners, but would love to hear of any other books that have helped you.
Thanks D
I think it helps massively being on a forum like this with people who have experienced similar situations.It is so helpful and comforting to know there are others out there in the same boat as me.
Love and light
Bev x
I think it helps massively being on a forum like this with people who have experienced similar situations.It is so helpful and comforting to know there are others out there in the same boat as me.
Love and light
Bev x
I wasn't sure whether to watch this when it was on live. After much deliberation I got it on catch-up and was glad I did. Part of me felt good that I am not alone in what I am dealing with.
Humans naturally fear what we don't understand and I think this (at least to some extent) leads to the venomous treatment of those associated with a convicted sex offender and indeed the offenders themselves. Society doesn't seem bothered about rehabilitation, it takes the easy way out by insisting offenders are locked up out of sight and out of mind. Loved ones left behind can be treated with equal contempt.
Standing by my husband has proved more difficult than I could ever have imagined. I don't regret it for a moment though.
CMB.
Humans naturally fear what we don't understand and I think this (at least to some extent) leads to the venomous treatment of those associated with a convicted sex offender and indeed the offenders themselves. Society doesn't seem bothered about rehabilitation, it takes the easy way out by insisting offenders are locked up out of sight and out of mind. Loved ones left behind can be treated with equal contempt.
Standing by my husband has proved more difficult than I could ever have imagined. I don't regret it for a moment though.
CMB.
Hi there
Not sure if this post is still live but needing some advice please. I've recently found out that our friend's husband is under investigation for being a paedophile. Even without this shocking news, we believe him to be a calculating and manipulative weak man so we're deeply upset to know that she's now struggling not to support him as he 'needs' her.
What is making me sick is she's now in lockdown due to the coronavirus and is blocking it all out. Luckily he's not living in the family home at the moment but still in contact and while this is going on she said there's too much in her head for her to seek help or confront what's going on.
I'm concerned for her mental health as she's had years of burying everything and this has just added to that pile. I'm trying to stay calm as she's my friend but I want to throw up when I hear some of the words as I can't comprehend her thinking of being his support as she doesn't want his reputation and career to be tarnished. Head is mashed!
Much appreciated x
Not sure if this post is still live but needing some advice please. I've recently found out that our friend's husband is under investigation for being a paedophile. Even without this shocking news, we believe him to be a calculating and manipulative weak man so we're deeply upset to know that she's now struggling not to support him as he 'needs' her.
What is making me sick is she's now in lockdown due to the coronavirus and is blocking it all out. Luckily he's not living in the family home at the moment but still in contact and while this is going on she said there's too much in her head for her to seek help or confront what's going on.
I'm concerned for her mental health as she's had years of burying everything and this has just added to that pile. I'm trying to stay calm as she's my friend but I want to throw up when I hear some of the words as I can't comprehend her thinking of being his support as she doesn't want his reputation and career to be tarnished. Head is mashed!
Much appreciated x
Hi Lost123
I have been pondering the same topic for several months. I think it would be good to see a soap such as Eastenders or Coronation Street have a storyline about someone struggling with iioc/porn addiction. It would raise the profile of these issues and show how such behaviour impacts on those around them. It would also highlight the fact that these people are not the monsters/ men in scruffy raincoats which the media portrays them as. In fact, on the surface, they are happy, functioning family people living 9 to 5 lives in society.
Perhaps TV people think this storyline would be a step too far. Not being a viewer I am no expert on the content of these programmes but I imagine other controversial topics have been covered in soaps.
Fingers crossed, it will happen one day. People in our situation are experts at the waiting game!
Love to everyone struggling with theses issues in already difficult times.
I have been pondering the same topic for several months. I think it would be good to see a soap such as Eastenders or Coronation Street have a storyline about someone struggling with iioc/porn addiction. It would raise the profile of these issues and show how such behaviour impacts on those around them. It would also highlight the fact that these people are not the monsters/ men in scruffy raincoats which the media portrays them as. In fact, on the surface, they are happy, functioning family people living 9 to 5 lives in society.
Perhaps TV people think this storyline would be a step too far. Not being a viewer I am no expert on the content of these programmes but I imagine other controversial topics have been covered in soaps.
Fingers crossed, it will happen one day. People in our situation are experts at the waiting game!
Love to everyone struggling with theses issues in already difficult times.
Hi lost123
My husband is actually planning to write a novel on his story. I really think it will be good and a eye opener for lot of people. He is also planning to contact companies who do research on this topics. When he commited his offense he was in a complete denial and even in prison he was not remorseful and used to feel pity on himself and a totally selfish person who only worries about himself. The treatment programs during his probation changed him completely and made him a better person. He has done a CBT therapy where he learnt various coping strageries to deal with not only with his fantasies but all the ups and downs in life and i admit that his coping strategies is alot better than mine.
My husband is actually planning to write a novel on his story. I really think it will be good and a eye opener for lot of people. He is also planning to contact companies who do research on this topics. When he commited his offense he was in a complete denial and even in prison he was not remorseful and used to feel pity on himself and a totally selfish person who only worries about himself. The treatment programs during his probation changed him completely and made him a better person. He has done a CBT therapy where he learnt various coping strageries to deal with not only with his fantasies but all the ups and downs in life and i admit that his coping strategies is alot better than mine.
I heard about The paedophile next door but haven't seen it. I will watch it now.
Hi All,
I think something needs to be done now. This problem is getting bigger and bigger and its effecting younger people. My hb was arrested in March for IICOS and admited it straight away. We are still together because of his actions since. He is getting support from LF, he is reading and researching all the time. He has been to the GP and joine smart and SS on line at the moment but will attend as soon as he can. We will need theropy when this nightmare is over. But one of the things he keeps saying is i knew i needed help but didn't know where togo for help .It needs to be out there Eastender or something similar, because this problem is not going away its only getting bigger , this must also take alot of police time ans court time , it needs to be addressed and publicied. Keep strong your all superheroes xx
I think something needs to be done now. This problem is getting bigger and bigger and its effecting younger people. My hb was arrested in March for IICOS and admited it straight away. We are still together because of his actions since. He is getting support from LF, he is reading and researching all the time. He has been to the GP and joine smart and SS on line at the moment but will attend as soon as he can. We will need theropy when this nightmare is over. But one of the things he keeps saying is i knew i needed help but didn't know where togo for help .It needs to be out there Eastender or something similar, because this problem is not going away its only getting bigger , this must also take alot of police time ans court time , it needs to be addressed and publicied. Keep strong your all superheroes xx
Been through this 6 years ago stayed with my partner but sometimes i wonder if i should have looking at this forum i think will help me as really need someone to talk to
Thanks
Thanks
Hi Dee
I keep flip flopping about leaving or staying, almost 2 years now since the knock but not even got to a plea hearing yet. Partner maintains his innocence, so likely to go to trial, with all the publicity that will entail :(
I try to think about what life will be like living with someone who has a criminal conviction and on SOR with potentially not being able to attend family gatherings or other events where children are present, and I read today someone posted about potentially not being able to holiday in Europe with this type of conviction after the end of this year.
You implied that maybe you should not have chosen to stay - can I ask you why you think this, and what your life has been like in the aftermath?
I keep flip flopping about leaving or staying, almost 2 years now since the knock but not even got to a plea hearing yet. Partner maintains his innocence, so likely to go to trial, with all the publicity that will entail :(
I try to think about what life will be like living with someone who has a criminal conviction and on SOR with potentially not being able to attend family gatherings or other events where children are present, and I read today someone posted about potentially not being able to holiday in Europe with this type of conviction after the end of this year.
You implied that maybe you should not have chosen to stay - can I ask you why you think this, and what your life has been like in the aftermath?
Hi Dee im interested too. How have you handled the last 6 years? Any advice for us at the beginning? X