Telling your adult sons
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Hi, Ive just finished a therapy session discussing how and why my adult sons should know what their dad did. I have carried this burden with me for years. Wanting to tell them to alleviate my guilt and shame but obviously not as that would be self centered and damaging to them I feel. However, I've also felt there will come a time when they will need to know because they may have children one day and I cannot protect my grandchildren, risk manage like I have had to my own children. My ex was not charged because we (at my request) had destroyed the computer. We had gone to counselling instead. It was only after I left him I went to the police. They cautioned him but couldn't charge him. Through court I asked that he was risk assessed. His assessment came back as low. He admitted to more in that assessment than he ever did in counselling or with the police. He said it was all to do with being abused and he was trying to seek help. He told the man doing his risk assessment he doesn't know how far he would have gone if I hadn't of stopped him. The risk assessment states even though the risk is low it still needs to be managed. With that I feel my son's should be told.
Has anyone left it until later to tell their adult children? How did you go about it? How did they react? How did you feel? Did you get them therapy to process it?
TIA and thanks for the support in general on this group
Has anyone left it until later to tell their adult children? How did you go about it? How did they react? How did you feel? Did you get them therapy to process it?
TIA and thanks for the support in general on this group
Bump
Hi Susan,
It's great you've had counselling to help you process all of this stuff.
I am presuming that you're the one that found he had images? That must have been so tough for you.
As for your sons. You do not mention what their relationship is like with their dad now and how old they are?
To be honest, my first thought is that this shouldn't be your responsibility to tell.. It should be his!! I do agree that they should be told. How much rehabilitation has your ex done? Has he took responsibility for his actions? Was he put on a SHPO and SOR when cautioned? Did he have to complete a treatment programme as part of that?
It's important that he can reassure the boys.. As to how far he's come etc. If he hasn't offended in many years then I presume the risk has reduced? Xx
It's great you've had counselling to help you process all of this stuff.
I am presuming that you're the one that found he had images? That must have been so tough for you.
As for your sons. You do not mention what their relationship is like with their dad now and how old they are?
To be honest, my first thought is that this shouldn't be your responsibility to tell.. It should be his!! I do agree that they should be told. How much rehabilitation has your ex done? Has he took responsibility for his actions? Was he put on a SHPO and SOR when cautioned? Did he have to complete a treatment programme as part of that?
It's important that he can reassure the boys.. As to how far he's come etc. If he hasn't offended in many years then I presume the risk has reduced? Xx
Hi Rainbowgirl80, he was assessed by Ray Wyre over a 5 day period and had to complete workbooks. I have a copy of the report. He denied having a sexual interest in children. He claims it was to do with being abused himself and he was trying to access help for that. Some of the things he says in the report are contradictory. He has an ok relationship with the boys who are now 18. I met up with him today and he clearly doesn't want to do this but at 1 point he said he might, himself, feel better for talking to the boys about it. We left it with the plan that he is going to write down what he's going to tell them. He no longer has the reports and has wanted to just bury it.
I feel shattered but proud that I didn't lose it or get overly emotional like I might have done years ago.
It's going to be really hard telling them but I do think it's right to. One of the reasons being someone else might tell them.... something I've worried about over the years. Also, they might have overheard something....also.....last one!....they have undoubtedly picked up on an atmosphere between us over the years.
I feel shattered but proud that I didn't lose it or get overly emotional like I might have done years ago.
It's going to be really hard telling them but I do think it's right to. One of the reasons being someone else might tell them.... something I've worried about over the years. Also, they might have overheard something....also.....last one!....they have undoubtedly picked up on an atmosphere between us over the years.