Family and Friends Forum

It's very hard to tell friends, I didn't tell anyone at the beginning and none of my family knows, unless they do but have not said anything.

After a few weeks I told two people only, they were a great support, it wasnt easy, I mean it was like the most bizarre conversation to start with. They don't talk about it now, it has become lonely because people do move on and want to talk about other stuff.

Maybe when your ready you can tell her.

Take care of you

Anne

Tryingtobreath

I am 19 months into this journey with regards my son 21 y/o. I totally understand where you are coming from I have one friend (best friend)as I just don't trust people lol because of my ( past) and just recently I said if I tell you something you won't judge me will you ? Her reaction was of course I wouldn't I explained the story and she said it's taken you that long to tell me you chose to walk part of that path alone well now we're walk it together. I know it's hard but please remember you do and will need support . I have alot of bad days and some good I am concentrating on decorating at the moment .

I feel alone if I'm honest although I have a husband and other children .. and my bestfriend , I can't keep talking about it can I? What can I change ? Absolutely nothing which is the hardest part.

I hope you find the strength to tell your friend you will feel a sense of belonging I hope.

I am absolutely dreading telling my family I know who will stay by my side and who won't which is a very sad reality . You see my son is my son I will walk with him on this journey and pray he learns from what he's done. He has totally broken my heart .

I am sending a hug your way x

Hi becky 1234,

I resonate with your last paragraph you will walk with your son and he has broken your heart, my son was 19 when this happened to him 5 years ago now ,

I think us mums have a stronger bond with our children and it really affects us as we have such high hopes for our children, my husband didn't want to keep talking about it nor did my son so I just worried alone

As alot of people say it does get easier but I still worry about him and the effects this might have on his future life, and constantly worry that this might happen again, I dont think I could cope, maybe I need expert help with these thoughts,

Love to all for a peaceful Easter xx

Hi tryingtobreath

I had to reply to your post as it resonated so much with me. I am at the end of my journey now and I like you could not say the words to anyone. It was easier to just go through this alone to avoid that conversation I didn't know what reaction I would get from. I was shit scared of the press and social media reporting the story. I prayed every day Begging it not to come out but it did. And then I had to tell a small number of friends what had happened and why I disappeared (I distanced my self to the point work come home work come home) and of course lockdowns actually went in my favour selfishly.

My best friend actually never saw the article in question. But I knew it was a matter of time before she did. So I made the phone call and calmly asked her was she able to talk to me.

Her response devastated me in the sense she just cried and cried, which is not what I ever wanted but she cried in pain for me going through that whole ordeal alone. She said she wished I had told her and she would of supported me no matter what. Shes got children and I worried myself stupid over association with the offender but I needn't of, she showed me so much love and reassurance. I explained I didn't want to put something so heavy on her to carry and she made me swear to confide in her on future and never to struggle alone. It's only made our friendship much stronger.



It sounds like you have a gorgeous friend there, maybe she's seen a little change in you and is worried and is just putting it out there she is there for you? I wouldn't hesitate now to talk to my friends.



Wishing you so much love and strength. You will get through this.



Yazz x

Hi tryingtobreath

I had to reply to your post as it resonated so much with me. I am at the end of my journey now and I like you could not say the words to anyone. It was easier to just go through this alone to avoid that conversation I didn't know what reaction I would get from. I was shit scared of the press and social media reporting the story. I prayed every day Begging it not to come out but it did. And then I had to tell a small number of friends what had happened and why I disappeared (I distanced my self to the point work come home work come home) and of course lockdowns actually went in my favour selfishly.

My best friend actually never saw the article in question. But I knew it was a matter of time before she did. So I made the phone call and calmly asked her was she able to talk to me.

Her response devastated me in the sense she just cried and cried, which is not what I ever wanted but she cried in pain for me going through that whole ordeal alone. She said she wished I had told her and she would of supported me no matter what. Shes got children and I worried myself stupid over association with the offender but I needn't of, she showed me so much love and reassurance. I explained I didn't want to put something so heavy on her to carry and she made me swear to confide in her on future and never to struggle alone. It's only made our friendship much stronger.



It sounds like you have a gorgeous friend there, maybe she's seen a little change in you and is worried and is just putting it out there she is there for you? I wouldn't hesitate now to talk to my friends.



Wishing you so much love and strength. You will get through this.



Yazz x

Nonna

I hope life is treating you kindly.. I'm sorry to hear about your son. People do say it gets easier I'm not sure when though.

How is your son doing now ? My son has a very good job .. he had great prospects and has thrown that away . He lives with us at home, he doesn't really talk to me I wish he would. Has your son rebuilt his life ? They are so young that's what breaks my heart . I hope you have a lovely Easter.

Take care X

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please don't for one minute think you missed the signs. I did at the start, but this is an addiction, a way of self soothing, and it is something that they are very ashamed of and they will do everything they can to hide it. My husband always appeared happy, calm, the life and soul of the party. But deep down he was depressed and suffered low self esteem. He didn't even recognise it himself!
My therapist helped me understand that as an adult, it would have been a poor relationship if I had constantly checked up on him and didn't trust him. As an adult child you trusted him.
None of us knew what was happening, and none of us could have stopped it. It's like any addiction, sometimes rock bottom needs to be hit before they recognise it.

big hugs.

Xxx

Also like to add. I had no choice but to tell people as my husband was trapped by vigilantes and kindly live-streamed videos.
Every one of our friends, and my family were extremely supportive, as were my neighbours. The only people who cut us both off and have been very unpleasant are his family, which just goes to prove what damage they did to him all his life.
So please do reach out to your friends, they will want to help you even if they want nothing to do with him. None of this is your fault. I am sure you would be there for them in the same situation?

Xx

Hi ladies

That's one thing I so wish I had done was keeped calm and waited but how do u keep calm when u are been told ur partner is being charged with grooming.

I told his mom and cousin,, my best friend of 30 years and people I classed as my mother and father,, well then the charges changed they then went for Sarahs law and turned on me and walked away.

His mom has told me to make a decision its them or him I am not ready to make a decision but the more I thinking about things the more I believe there is more to this than meets the eye and I need to know.

I have my auntie and dad and uncle supporting me no matter what I choices I just don't see why everything has to be rushed. But at least I know one thing I made some friends on here and I am not alone xx

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Hi Maij, thank you for your kind words. It is sad that the marriage is over, but his betrayal with hook ups is too much for me. I can't see me living the rest of my life with him, without that always there. I could have coped with a breakdown, and on line stuff only, I think, but his hook ups put me in danger in many ways. He has also had loads of therapy, which will help him understand himself, but this has changed him too, as well as this whole thing. I too have been changed by this. So it's almost like he has become like a brother. I can't cut him out of my life completely, I wouldn't do that with a friend, so why would I with my husband? Who knows what the future holds, but I am deserving of a happy and peaceful future.
With regards to whether friends are standing by him. When he was live-streamed, I told all our close friends. All were shocked, some were instantly believing of the video, others thought there was more to it. I can't blame them, I went through the same thoughts. They were in shock too. As time went by, friends, some of them not even close friends, offered their support to him, I passed on their numbers (he had no phone and was miles away), but he was too scared to contact them. He too was confused about what had happened. His solicitor and therapist also didn't recommend him talking about what had happened as "it was a lot for friends to take on and understand"...I actually don't agree with that, but from a legal side I guess not discussing is right, but I found talking helped me. Also friends just wanted to make sure he was ok. Now he is in prison, he still has people who want to support, people are asking me to tell him they are happy for him to call them, and happy to visit. This will help him moving forward and also help me not feel 'responsible' for him. I just hope he has access to support in prison to help him make the right decisions. He has effectively been living in isolation for the last 19 months anyway, talking only to me and the only relative of his who will support him. He already needs to be rehabilitated.
A close friend said to me, when I was worrying about how our friends would respond to prison, "you chose your friends because they are kind and compassionate like you, so you can be sure they will be supportive, and if they are not, are they people you want to be friends with". She's right. As long as they are kind that's ok. I'm not expecting all of them to want to call and visit etc, I just want them to remember the man they knew and know that there is always more then the 'story' peddled by media and to have some compassion.
This experience made me look at friendships closely. I have had nothing but support, but some are nosey, some are just pure love...the cream comes to the top! I also now know how important it is to BE a goof friend too....so in a strange way this experience has had a positive effect.
Take care, we all support each other. That has also been a new experience for me, virtual support! I was very mistrustful of this as it was this world that pulled my husband in and took him away....I steer clear of all social media now!!!

Also I want to add that I think your son was incredibly brave to come forward for help. I think we all wish our partners/sons/friends had done this before rock bottom was hit! He has shown great strength of character, and I hope that he gets the help and support he needs. 'Blame the crime and not the criminal'...society needs to remember this and focus their energy at removing the dangers.


Xxxx

Hi Tryingtobreathe

It is such a hard situation, and very scary to take the leap of faith to tell someone.

I told my very good then best friend and she walked away from me, never contacted me again! She is gone forever. But that taught me not to tell people and now I'm glad I didn't tell people I probably would have.
I did tell 3 friends around the same time who have stuck by me, but no body else since except my support group.

Just take each day one at a time, maybe the right time will come and you can tell your friend but don't put pressure on yourself.



Sending you very best wishes

Mabel x

My goodness Mabel, she wasn't much of a friend then and no loss, but that must have hurt deeply. I honestly would desert no one going hardship of any kind. That's what friends are for! Another wise friend though said you don't know what might be going on in someone's life now or in their history, and my situation may trigger them, so it could be a problem of her own that she can't deal with, and talking to you may mean she would have to face it. She may come back later.
I really feel for you, still waiting for resolution. At least I have that now, however awful the outcome was. A lot was taken out of my hands due to livestream, so I have been reactive. I don't know how I'd cope with the secret. It's so cruel that the police take so long, with no recourse.
take care and love to you xxx

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I haven't spoken to anyone about my brother's impending sentencing.

I can't bring myself to talk about it to any of my friends or family.. I guess I'm putting it off as to what will people think of him, our family, me.. what will my work colleagues think... my head is spinning just thinking about it all..

I should be heading to an early, enjoyable retirement but here I am, waiting on my brother possible going to jail..

how have others coped with this situation, how have you found people act towards you, or you to them...Right now I feel like locking myself away not having to face anyone...

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Thanks Maij

Your reply is very much appreciated.

I have found this forum and people to be massively helpful in getting through this situation.

My mother is struggling, but trying to put a brave face on things, sadly she won't join, or read this forum and I'm worried about how it's affecting her, as I can see her struggling whilst she is trying to support me through this.

Speaking with my brother about this and trying to understand the why, is exhausting, he is still trying to come to terms with what he has done himself althought the Stop it now team, SAA and councilling has helped him, sadly too late.

I struggle everyday thinking why I couldn't see something wrong with him, why he couldn't confide in me, just so many things going round in my head it feels like it will explode.

Now the hardest part is the what happens now to him, what sort of life will he have after this...everything he has worked so hard to get, potentially gone...house, car, job, friends..the impact it will have on our family, as my wife and son, whom had a good relationship with him, are very distanced from him now..

It's so conflicting for me, I can't turn my back on him, but I can't let this create an atmosphere in my own home..

for those on this forum, going through their own personal challenges, your posts have been invaluable to me and I hope somehow we can all move on an rebuild our lives..x

Hi Iambroken, it sounds like you love your brother very much, and are feeling that you let him down. NO, you didn't. It took me having therapy myself to understand that I was not responsible for my husbands actions. He was addicted to on line chat, it was like a drug. He didn't want anyone to know what he was doing and so hid it extremely well. He certainly didn't want it to ruin our relationship. Have you considered having some therapy to help you? It sounds like you have a lot to deal with, and you need help too. You need to be strong to help him.
take good care of yourself.

Hi Tabs

Yes, I'm struggling with it tbh.

just trying to get my head round where and how it went wrong for him. I actually feel bad that I have such a good life and have been so busy with that that I didn't see how badly he has been struggling mentally.

I am angry with myself for having great relationships with friends and not my own brother, its one of those things you take for granted until some bombshell like this hits to make you realise and re-evaluate what's actually important in life..

im praying he doesn't get a custodial sentence and that with the councilling he is getting and having us around and aware of his situation that somehow he will be able to put his life back on track.



I know it's not my fault, but if I'd spent more time with him, maybe it wouldn't have come to this... but I know I can't live thinking 'what if.'.

agree, perhaps some councilling for myself would be a good start.

Please don't think you could have done anything to stop this. I understand how you're feeling, as I felt awful that I missed any signs in my husband. At the time of his offence we had been married for over 30 years, and had been together since our teens. I thought I knew him inside out. I knew his struggles, we faced them together, and he seemed to deal with things better than I did. It is a very secret thing and spiraled out of control, just like any addiction. Have you read any books on the subject? It helps to understand. Also, I have to try to remember that he was an adult, and he made the wrong choices, not me. It would not have been right for our relationship, and I suspect yours, to have treated him like a child as you have to trust in healthy relationships. They broke that trust, not us.
Of course, they need our support, to help them through this situation they find themselves in. But we also need to look after ourselves too. Or we run the risk of damaging relationships.
I so wish I could do something to stop this awful online crime, and the way it is perceived. It will continue to damage so many lives.

like you we were heading into our early retirement and had amazing plans. I have lost mine, but you should still pursue yours. You cannot carry his burden, you owe it to your own family....

I hope I haven't come across preachy...but what is they say on an airline, put your own oxygen mask on first!

x

Hello, I read a tiny bit of these messages, enough to make me cry and reach out. I just found out over the weekend, with my Grandpa (Mum's dad) on his deathbed, that my Dad was arrested last year for sharing child pornography. My family all knew about the arrest but didn't tell me because my Dad told them not to, and they were worried "you always have so many problems", said my Mum. At the same time I found out that my auntie was sexually abused as a child and that my Dad had an affair a few years ago. I'm sad but also angry with the lot of them for not telling me, and cannot look my Dad in the eye or spoken to him since I came home. He's pushed the blame on everyone else and I feel caught between he and my Mum, annoyed at myself and guilty too for sensing something was up but turning away to focus on my own job stability. I work with vulnerable young people and would like to know what the safeguarding steps are for my job. I've taken 2 weeks off with acute stress but need to find some reserves of energy to support my Mum when she gets home in two weeks. Am fairly sure she's about to go to town on destroying my Dad, and am so worried he'll commit suicide like his father before him. I'm so confused and exhausted.

Tabs - I too have reached out to friends over the past year for support and been seeing a councilor, many friends are gently, kindly asking me to seek professional help which I am but it actually just makes me feel even more isolated and lonely and totally stuck. Am also seeing my GP next week for other advice. My family have been my rock and that's now crumbling :( x

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To trying to breathe

I have just joined this forum so I hope you have found the help and support that we all need. When my partner was first charged I only told one friend who I thought would be supportive. She was to a certain degree, but then had a little wobble trying to understand it but eventually was very supportive. Once my partner was sentenced I lived in constant fear of people finding out. I eventually told three other friends who were amazing and supportive, even though I knew they were struggling to understand it. But they have said they will support me whatever I decide to do. It then became public knowledge and other very close friends found out, sadly these people are no longer friends. Some were disgusted by the whole situation but were not horrible to me but said they could not be friends anymore, whilst very sad I respect their honesty, whilst others put it all over FB. I have since become very economical with what I tell prople. Which makes me sad and angry as I have not changed as a person. I am so angry that I am being villified for his actions, but also because I am trying to understand how he ended up where he has and that I am trying to support him. We are still together but only a few people actually know this. Most people that know think I am just trying to process everything whilst supporting his elderly parents and him. I really hope you were able to tell your friend and she has supported you. Or that you have found someone else to confide in. X