Family and Friends Forum

So, it's prison for him. 1st offence. Spent a fortune on solicitors, therapist and physiologist. 1 decoy conversations and arranged to meet. Live streamed by disgusting vigilantes. He was suffering from severe depression at the time, and severe health problems. Pleaded guilty to the one charge, owned up to it and worked hard on himself. Good probation report, suggesting non custodial, good references no attraction to underage confirmed...meaningless ......I'm heartbroken. It's me that now has to sort everything out again. Having had to do that when he had to leave home because of the vigilante livestream. Who is punished here, yes both of us. I am innocent of this yet I am carrying this too.

I have lost all faith in 'justice'.

Thank you for your replies, I really appreciate the support. He got 2 years 4 months, will serve 1 year and 2 months in prison. We had separated, he lived miles away, but I still supported him. I now have to sort out stuff that he can no longer do. The punishment goes on. I can't move on, it seems mad really but he now is away from the aftermath and I have to face it. X

Thank you all so much. Autumn Gold your words made me cry...I am so pleased that I have helped you join the forum. Through this forum I have linked up with a group of ladies, and they (virtually) held me late into the night of him being sent to prison, and every day since, answering my many panicked questions and calming and reassuring me. I don't know how I'd manage without being able to talk to people that truly understand. My family and friends have been amazing, but, it's very different when you're living it or have lived it!

it's now 2 days after he was sent to prison. I have spoken to him and he is ok. I am much calmer. The worst happened on the day of the vigilante sting and arrest. That was like a tsunami. This was more like a large wave, and ive learnt more about how to keep afloat, so I'm recovering quicker, and I've learnt how to manage myself better; meditation, breathing techniques etc.

As wise ladies have said, it's time for me now to get on track, try to enjoy my life. He is away and safe. Ridiculously, I will be better off now, as don't have to fund 2 homes etc.....trying to look for positives is another tactic ;)

We will all get through this, by supporting each other!

thank you all!

Xxx

Thank you Fatso, that's encouraging. When he called, we agreed that we wouldn't talk any more than we had been, so I don't know when we'll talk next, and now I feel guilty! But I have to look after myself, and he has to accept the support that others have offered.
I am in awe of you mums, and I admire you so much. That is pure unconditional love. Your sons are very lucky. My husbands parents have been very cruel to my husband all through his life. And all bar one of his family have now turned their backs on him....I really can't understand it! I pleaded with his mother once to tell him what he'd done! As we weren't blessed with children, and dearly wanted them, I couldn't ever work out why you'd not care for them, at whatever age!!!

xx

He was stung by vigilante group after 'chatting' on line in an adult chat room. So yes, he was then arrested. He gave a 'no comment interview' as advised by the on duty solicitor. He was never interviewed again, so was never able to give his side of the story! It's mad!!!!!! From what he says he was groomed! His therapy and psychologist reports confirm he is was suffering a breakdown.....that doesn't matter! In prison now! Both of us punished! Mantra in this position 'hope for the best but prepare for the worst' our justice system and judges have not caught up with the internet 'crimes'. it's a lottery. So sad. I hope others get a more compassionate judge, truly. xxx

Hi Iambroken. I am currently dealing with the aftermath of prison sentence. We had separated already, but have joint assets. He had rented a flat and leased a car. He did as much as he could before sentencing, even though it looked like a non custodial, he packed up his things and arranged removal and storeage, set up payments and forward dated emails. I hope it worked re flat and storage. I have no way of knowing and it worries me. He was a 4 hour drive away....he went as far as he could so I can't easily check.
I am having to sort house insurance out, as now he has a criminal record. He couldn't do that as neede to know his conviction.....I am also trying to get his car picked up, and pay off lease, as it want as straightforward as he thought he'd arranged. Car is parked in a street near court a 1.5 hour drive away, it has taken me breaking down on the phone to get someone to help me sort it, as they were wanting his permission for me to deal with it! So I would say get your brother to do everything he can ahead of court, just in case. If he doesn't it will cause heaps of stress to those left behind at a time when you just don't need it.
It is so hard. Maybe try and get some therapy to help? The StopSO therapist are great! xxx

Sorry, got interrupted.
This crime is very complex. And each man is different, but from what I read and discuss, viewing and chatting stems from an addiction. the addict is ashamed of their actions and can't discuss, they hide it all, and feel bad, and to feel better again they view or chat again. As a society it would better for everyone if it was more understood, and maybe in the future it will. This will eventually affect every family unless action is taken and internet platforms take accountability for their part in this.
Understanding the theory does help, but it's hard to contain the emotions. I am a sobbing mess today, having to face the consequences of his actions. We are given no support....why should we be left with the realities of life whilst they are taken away....who is being punished????xxx

I'm so pleased you've found happiness together again.

Do you mind if I ask what grounds was the appeal made on? You're right, it's just exhausting and so expensive....xx

Mabel, thank you. I am trying to walk with friends daily, to connect to the here and now in nature. I am fortunate in that I have a lot of loving friends holding me up.
I did have a dog, but sadly had to have her put to sleep in September. It was heartbreaking. I can't go through another loss again, and actually I am rather hoping I can be free of any responsibility when we can finally move around again. I have lots of people to go visit.
It has been a really tough 20 months, with covid on top. I have to hope that I will find happiness again. xx

Billion, lis and others...thank you for your support and kind words, it really means so much to read them, and to know that there are people that truly understandxxx

Thank you Blue82,

I will try to take strength from your reply. I am really trying to be strong and face this, why shouldn't it happen to me? It happens to lots of people. However, I am finding it exhausting trying to explain this to people who are wonky thinking of themselves and their association to him. I had such a call this morning, and it's like they have wiped from their memories the man he was and what he did and would still do for them. It's like they think he must always have done wrong!!!
I'm also trying to sort things out that he can't do from prison. It feels like I am paying the price. We had separated due to this and his hidden behaviour, but it all lands on me because we have a whole lifetime of shared finaces/friendships etc. Why don't the justice system make these men accountable for putting their lives right instead of locking them away to make others lives more miserable.
I really do think the justice system is so old fashioned, it will never keep up with on line crimes, I'm sure there will be more that we don't even know about yet..... isn't justice about rehabilitation too? But prisoners are not getting any! I was also told that sex offenders will not get any group therapy, for fear they will incite each other!! Talk about lack of understanding about porn addictions!
Xx

Oh and thanks Zack. I shared your experience with him. It's up to him and his solicitor now. It feels so odd that when it's something that has such a massive impact on family, that the family are helpless and unsupported. X

My husband too lost his job as a result of the livestream, and he lost his home and friends and family. I was left to suffer alone. I did ask the solicitor if the judge took that into account, all he said was 'we made him aware!' I also wrote in my reference letter of the massive impact of the livestream on me personally, emotionally, physically and financially.....he still sent him to prison where in fact it makes all those things even worse. It felt like the judge wanted me punished even more, even though I also acknowledged the shock of finding out what he had been doing and my supporting him receiving help. I also made him aware of the good man he was, and the ways he has suffered through the years.
I got the impression that nothing made a difference....he wanted him in prison.
Also, makes a mockery of the justice's public stance of not supporting vigilantes. The police do support them, and the courts. The stings will become even more prevelant and more families will go through the needless pain. There should be a law against them. Ok if they want to protect children and catch predators, take the information to the police, don't film it! Who are they destroying??? Innocent families and friends. They start serving their guilty sentance from day 1. X

I’ve very touched that you are thinking about me billion!

I’m doing really well all things considered. I am getting anxious about his release, but he is feeling positive and excited. As he said, nothing can be as bad as what he has been through. He is determined not to end up being recalled.

He has decided to go back to the area he was living before his court case, he is wanting no help or support from friends, he says he’s looking forward to doing it alone. I wish him luck and hope he finds some peace. He has to find somewhere to live, and try to find work again. We remain committed to being friends, as we want to honour the lovely life we had for many years. Well, I think I had a lovely life and he went along with things as he now recognises that he struggled massively with most parts of his life.

As for me. There have been times where I’ve been really low. Particularly when sorting out his affairs. At least now he can take responsibility for himself when he is released. I will have to work hard not to worry on his behalf and continue to live my new life. It is his punishment, not mine, and I refuse to let this situation drag me down again.

I can say that I’m actually now quite content with my lot. It’s taken a long time but I have many moments of peace, happiness and joy, and feel that I am now responsible for my own present and future. I’m hoping that my future will be a happy peaceful one. I’m still very focussed on trying to help others, with some success, but not as much as I would like! I will continue to do so, or else why else did I go through this and learn the things I did? I also recognise that I am in a lucky position to do this in that I have time, and the horrors of vigilante livestream means I have nothing to hide! Many others do not have this ‘privilege’. I also still count myself as fortunate now in not having children/grandchildren, (was a great sadness) and having taken early retirement from a good career. Also very blessed to have some wonderful friends supporting me. So I have lots of hope for the future.

How is your brother doing? And how is your mum coping? And you too? I tend not to come on to the forum much as I try to not spend too much time thinking about it, and the time that I do spend is mostly trying to influence change but I do pop in from time to time, and it saddens me to see the stream of new postings. I have made many complaints to professionals and had many meetings. I also meet up with others in a similar position, that is amazing to do. To see that others are still standing and surviving. To see how their children are coping, truly inspirational.

Sending thanks and love to you and your family. xxxx

Billion, sounds like you and your family are doing really well given the ordeal you all went through. I'd really suggest you getting some help with processing the trauma. It's not good for you to be so triggered whilst living your life. hopefully your brother is getting help for his with his private therapy as that sounds extreme, but understandable. You all need to be able to live your lives normally and not in fear, we all have that right.
I share your concern about police. I was badly treated by them, and also my GP. I complained to both. The police closed ranks really, and did not uphold my escalated complaint, but I would hope that after all the negative press that internally my complaint did do some good...My GP did listen and I actually wrote some procedure notes for him to aid in educating his team on how to treat people in same/similar positions. I was just referred to victim support by the safeguarding GP in the practice, not even asked how I was physically let alone mentally. Also being referred to safeguarding made me feel like I was under suspicion. I was not prepared to accept how I was treated, knowing that many others will sadly follow in my footsteps. Going through the complaint process actually helped me heal a little I think.

I'm so sorry to hear of your break up. Must be extra hard given that he supported you through this very tough situation. You sound like a very loving and empathetic person, you wil find the right person for you who will also admire you for your support love and forgiveness to your brother.

Hoping for a happier and peaceful future for you and your family! xxx