Case closed but struggling with the aftermath on my marriage
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I posted my story a while back.
After 15 months of limbo Police just arrived on our door step just like that no notice or anything to say that case was closed. There was not enough evidence to prosecute my husband just the one photo they originally came about.
Yes relief that it was all over but Police told me that we clearly have problems in our marriage as there were conversations of sexual nature between my husband and other women (all over 18) and these conversations involved him asking to buy photo's of them naked. I am absolutely devastated how do you get past this? He was in a very bad place at the time and acting out character and he was gambling as well.
We share a home and 6 children together. I have barely eaten for 2 weeks. Just feel so deflated and hurt.
Those of you who stayed how do you build the trust back? How do you deal with the anger? How do you do any of it?
After 15 months of limbo Police just arrived on our door step just like that no notice or anything to say that case was closed. There was not enough evidence to prosecute my husband just the one photo they originally came about.
Yes relief that it was all over but Police told me that we clearly have problems in our marriage as there were conversations of sexual nature between my husband and other women (all over 18) and these conversations involved him asking to buy photo's of them naked. I am absolutely devastated how do you get past this? He was in a very bad place at the time and acting out character and he was gambling as well.
We share a home and 6 children together. I have barely eaten for 2 weeks. Just feel so deflated and hurt.
Those of you who stayed how do you build the trust back? How do you deal with the anger? How do you do any of it?
Such good news that the case is not going further. But so bad that the police kept you waiting so for so long. But most of all, I am horrified that the police would tell you about your husbands internet history....surely a quiet word with your husband and signposting to help would have been a kinder approach! Are they even allowed to do that? It seems like overstepping! You have been through enough trauma already, so to throw that at you as a goodbye seems unnecessarily cruel!!
In order to move forward, therapy might be useful, he needs to understand what he was doing and why. You also need to process the many emotions you are feeling. Maybe a complaint to the police too!
Take care xx
In order to move forward, therapy might be useful, he needs to understand what he was doing and why. You also need to process the many emotions you are feeling. Maybe a complaint to the police too!
Take care xx
Hi
I agree with tabs how cruel to say what they said.
I stayed with my hub, he was charged with 3 Cat C. It's not easy has our life has changed, and I do still get angry of the life I have lost.
However I have been with him nearly 35 years, and I didn't want to throw that away. You really have to talk, some things you won't want to hear, but it is the only way forward. Its getting better month by month.
Your emotions will change regularly, you will get there. Ask for help from your GP, the helpline or just writing on here.
Anne
I agree with tabs how cruel to say what they said.
I stayed with my hub, he was charged with 3 Cat C. It's not easy has our life has changed, and I do still get angry of the life I have lost.
However I have been with him nearly 35 years, and I didn't want to throw that away. You really have to talk, some things you won't want to hear, but it is the only way forward. Its getting better month by month.
Your emotions will change regularly, you will get there. Ask for help from your GP, the helpline or just writing on here.
Anne
Hi
I am so pleased that the case has been closed. Now you can focus on yourselves and I wish you both all the very best.
I am absolutely digusted and angry with the police for disclosing such information to you, what has that achieved. You both know you already have things to work through and who knows your husband may have disclosed that in his own good time after reflecting on his behaviour. That opportunity has been taken away.
Is that not a breach of confidentiality, working in an organisation where this is paramount , I do believe that could be a disciplinary offence. I agree with Tabs a complaint would not be unreasonable . Although I expect you wouldn't want to spend any more energy doing that. Which I understand.
take care
I am so pleased that the case has been closed. Now you can focus on yourselves and I wish you both all the very best.
I am absolutely digusted and angry with the police for disclosing such information to you, what has that achieved. You both know you already have things to work through and who knows your husband may have disclosed that in his own good time after reflecting on his behaviour. That opportunity has been taken away.
Is that not a breach of confidentiality, working in an organisation where this is paramount , I do believe that could be a disciplinary offence. I agree with Tabs a complaint would not be unreasonable . Although I expect you wouldn't want to spend any more energy doing that. Which I understand.
take care
The site is bloomforwomen.com. You can sign up for free on line courses. I found the one for trauma really good and I've done a couple more too. The site is for women dealing with emotional trauma from sexual betrayal...when you add in the trauma from the way we find out because of possible criminal activity, you realise how much trauma we suffer from! I hope you find it helpful.
I see a StopSO therapist too, she helps me process things, as it's a huge thing to deal with. Take care xx
I see a StopSO therapist too, she helps me process things, as it's a huge thing to deal with. Take care xx
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It was the first time I heard about it when they turned up and said to both of us at the same time.
Thank you for so many lovely replies I really needed to know I am not alone.
Thank you for so many lovely replies I really needed to know I am not alone.
Hi,
I haven't posted on here before but I have been reading and following since 2019. This post really resonated with me.
We were also case closed, no images found. Images had been uploaded or distributed from Kik. Husband was adamant from day one he had not done this. He had never seen images let alone distributed them. We only found out it was Kik when they dropped all our devices back. He maintains he has never used that app.
The police went to town on him when they were here asked him horrendous questions in front of our young children and humiliated him. We were both left very shaken. We got a solicitor straight away and she said to stay strong.
Five months later and a knock on the door. One of the same policemen asking if he could drop back the devices. Very different attitude to the police that showed up that first morning seemed almost apologetic. Said nothing was found case closed. But that it was our IP address??? Said it was possible our IP was hacked. From everything I have read this is not an easy thing to do. Our original solicitor said we possibly had grounds for negligence.
And then the real ordeal started. I wanted answers I wasn't happy that this could just happen. We filed a complaint about their behaviour and this went nowhere. We tried to get more info on the investigation and what led them to our door through data protection but met dead ends everywhere. We were told as no charges we don't have a right to the information yet they have a right to destroy our lives in the space of an hour and then walk away.
Three years on and I'm still so angry, I think I may have PTSD as well and I plan on talking to someone about it as I have just bottled it up and lockdowns have magnified that.
I am just wondering for anyone that was case closed has anyone successfully received any answers or even found out that an error had been made. A specialist solicitor I phoned for advice said you would be suprised how often errors in IP addresses happen which I find shocking. He said taking a court order against the police would be the only option but the costs involved in that and the publicity would deter most people.
I haven't posted on here before but I have been reading and following since 2019. This post really resonated with me.
We were also case closed, no images found. Images had been uploaded or distributed from Kik. Husband was adamant from day one he had not done this. He had never seen images let alone distributed them. We only found out it was Kik when they dropped all our devices back. He maintains he has never used that app.
The police went to town on him when they were here asked him horrendous questions in front of our young children and humiliated him. We were both left very shaken. We got a solicitor straight away and she said to stay strong.
Five months later and a knock on the door. One of the same policemen asking if he could drop back the devices. Very different attitude to the police that showed up that first morning seemed almost apologetic. Said nothing was found case closed. But that it was our IP address??? Said it was possible our IP was hacked. From everything I have read this is not an easy thing to do. Our original solicitor said we possibly had grounds for negligence.
And then the real ordeal started. I wanted answers I wasn't happy that this could just happen. We filed a complaint about their behaviour and this went nowhere. We tried to get more info on the investigation and what led them to our door through data protection but met dead ends everywhere. We were told as no charges we don't have a right to the information yet they have a right to destroy our lives in the space of an hour and then walk away.
Three years on and I'm still so angry, I think I may have PTSD as well and I plan on talking to someone about it as I have just bottled it up and lockdowns have magnified that.
I am just wondering for anyone that was case closed has anyone successfully received any answers or even found out that an error had been made. A specialist solicitor I phoned for advice said you would be suprised how often errors in IP addresses happen which I find shocking. He said taking a court order against the police would be the only option but the costs involved in that and the publicity would deter most people.
Same here, the knock was about one image on kik but that image not found and no charges. So frustrating and the police made many mistakes with us and treat us like rubbish, such a traumatic experience and for what? Yes I get safeguarding is important but surely if they know they can make mistakes then they shouldn't come in so heavy handed. We asked the solicitor about complaining but he said more or less it's not worth it as won't get anywhere. But then they just get away with it. So we are torn what to do.
This is interesting. Same situation here except it was reportedly 2 images through Snapchat - knock was 5 months ago. Got call earlier this week to come get devices as nothing was found. Husband adamant he never knowingly viewed or shared images. Police supposedly tracked it to us via our IP address. Did your husbands actually have a KIK account? My husband did have a Snapchat account, but he is sure he did not have it active on his phone when the images were supposedly reported to authorities. He is not very tech savvy and just deleted the app from his phone instead of actually deactivating the account. My theory is someone hacked his Snapchat. It was tied to our IP address because he did in fact have the Snapchat account at one time and had used it on our wireless. Authorities treated us like garbage and came into our home without wearing masks during a pandemic while I was 8 months pregnant. Husband wants to pursue legal action but we don't have the money or means. I wonder how often they get it WRONG and how many families are devestated by false accusations. I also wonder who reports these images to authorities. It all sounds very fishy and malicious to me - like there is a group of people out there just trying to make innocent people suffer.
I totally agree Soconfused, all the trauma and for nothing. The solicitor said that it's how they are investigating cases now they arrive all guns blazing on third party info and families like us are collateral damage. It's not right. I feel if I had answers it would provide closure. Keep me updated if you decide to pursue it more.
Hi Feelinghopelessinus,
I was going to reply to your recent post as I felt our cases were very similar and I was very happy to see your case was closed. No he had never downloaded or used the app. We did try to make a complaint more about the awful behaviour but it went nowhere, not enough evidence. Six of them against two of us and they have each other's backs. I'm finding it so difficult to move passed it even three years on, I still get panic attacks. I'm going to try talking to someone soon. I feel like I have distanced myself from friends and family as they mostly don't know and there is always a worry you will be met with there is no smoke without fire, I have already had that from a supposedly good friend I confided in. We are just left in this awful limbo.
I was going to reply to your recent post as I felt our cases were very similar and I was very happy to see your case was closed. No he had never downloaded or used the app. We did try to make a complaint more about the awful behaviour but it went nowhere, not enough evidence. Six of them against two of us and they have each other's backs. I'm finding it so difficult to move passed it even three years on, I still get panic attacks. I'm going to try talking to someone soon. I feel like I have distanced myself from friends and family as they mostly don't know and there is always a worry you will be met with there is no smoke without fire, I have already had that from a supposedly good friend I confided in. We are just left in this awful limbo.
He did have kik but never IIOC. I have learned that IP addresses change very frequently, try it -google my IP address then again a couple months later and it will be different. They are apparently recycled too. But the police must know this and still act the way they do. I think it must happen a lot- people are just so relieved that it's all over and their partners have been honest that they just don't have the energy or money to pursue it. And then you risk media coverage and some people will think guilty even though no charges. But that's why the police keep acting the way they do. It is heartbreaking to realise the establishment I have always trusted to support and protect me have actually caused me the most traumatic experience I have gone through. I for one will never trust them again.