Family and Friends Forum

Hi Louise,

We are 10 months in and still no charges. He can't live with us but spends lots of time with me and the boys....

I too feel like I'm in a happy limbo bubble at times..... I just think we only have today.... Tomorrow is not certain or promised... We should allow ourselves to be happy and make the most of each day. Life has gave us a shit load of lemons... So we should make as much lemonade as we can!

Take care hunny xxxxxx

Hey Louise,

It's good that your husband is allowed to be home with you all.

I too have learnt so much about porn addiction and how my husband's mental health led him down such a dark path. We've spent so many hours talking n crying n still do.. Then we have periods of normality like you say. I listen to a meditation that says... We cannot always control what life brings us but we can choose how we react... We can allow this to blow our life apart and end our relationships... Or not. We have a choice.

As for the questions about what will happen...there is literally no consi hunny. After 10 months we have no charges and are closed to social services with supervised contact and no overnight stays. Charges can happen at any time but we have no certainty when... I too just dream of this all going away... If only!!

Sounds like you're doing so amazing such early on. Xxxx

Hey hunny

Yes we are similar... Married for almost 19 years and together for 21.. Have 2 boys aged 9 and 14. Its so so tough.... The divided emotions of the person you know and love and the behaviour.

I agree... My husband was told to say no comment at the first interview and nothing since.. He too just wants it all out and over with. ... To face whatever punishment is coming his way. Its nothing in comparison to the punishment they put on themselves.. He hates himself so much too... More so when he sees me upset.

Have either of you done the Lucy faithful in for. Courses? They really helped us. I have also got a group of amazing women on WhatsApp now and we support eachother. My husband is now having therapy with stop so which seems to really help him to understand his emotions and how much he bottled stuff up in the past which then came out sideways.

Are you in touch with any other women off the forums? It does help. Xxx

Awww Louise I totally agree. I feel like the other women in my life going through this are the only ones I can truly relate to.. As only they understand the roller coaster of emotions. I am in a WhatsApp group with the women I done the course with n it really helps.. Just chatting daily n supporting eachother... Warrior women together.

There was a post whereby mums net user names were shared... Not sure if it's still active. Xx

Oh my goodness this is exactly us, except we got the knock on the 2nd March. It scares me how long this can go on for.
he is currently at home with me and the kids and we are like our normal family which feels really weird. He has realised how much that he has taken for granted and how much he could loose as well as doing something so wrong! I have tried contacting the sw thinking I am being proactive. (we have had the initial visit, she has spoken to the kids (8and12) and now we are waiting for her to speak to him) but she never answers emails or text.

Hi Louise I am pleased for you. It's great that he's no longer on bail. Can I ask what he was accused of please xx

Hi Louise our journey times are quite similar aren't they I think I'm about 2 weeks ahead of you but our journeys are taking different paths. We've had the devices checked I know what was found and we are waiting for the cps to say what the charges will be. Its been a few weeks now I know they estimate a month and I think we are almost there, but I think there's delays now with covid?

I'm in a strange situation where what was found was more than I though and covered all the categories and dates beyond what was initially suggested. Things have been found that my husband swears he has no knowledge of and I do believe him. I can tell when he isn't lying as if he is he tends to be quiet and ignore things Bury his head hope it goes away avoid confrontation. But this he swears he didn't know about and pours out emotion in levels I've never seen before. I'm waiting for the charges and the next lot of detail as hoping the charges will mean more detail of the evidence will be known. We aren't in a relationship we are battling social services over our stupid contact arrangements. I love him deeply. So deeply that it hurts. I worry for him all of the time. But at the moment we can't be in a relationship we can only try to be good parents. I'm in this second phase of limbo where I feel like I know half the facts and I've got too many questions and mot enough answers.

I'd focus on being together, being strong, supporting each other and building your own strength. Being honest and open with each other. Hopefully you get some answers soon. But in the meantime just be happy or as happy as you can.

Hi ladies I really resonate with this thread which felt so familiar and felt compelled to comment. We are 8 months in and not together but I'm trying to still offer some support. It feels harsh I feel sorry for him he made a terrible mistake but at the same time I'm still too angry. I'm trying to just get on with life before the bomb drops its torturous . My question is this, as we come out of lockdown my friends have started arranging get togethers and it was easy to hide before . My anxiety levels are hitting the roof as I still have not told anyone and my friends and family want to know why the hell we have split and I don't want to make up lies. Anyone else facing difficult questions ? Lots of love to all stay strong.

Louise yes ours is going fast and I was finding myself getting in to the routine of the waiting game and the thought process and starting each thinking when will I know. It consumed me. I also was reassuring myself a lot this won't be as bad, it won't be many, he didn't have the time, I never saw him on his laptop or device, we were alway together, he went to bed when I did, I don't go out much... All these things were my way of coping. But it actually set me up for a shock. I now realise that there will be things found that he did not know about, did not open or did not knowingly receive and that terrifies me that he will be punished for that and will it ever be proven that he didn't know and will I believe that he didn't know. That's the hard bit what they say they saw and think they saw isn't always what comes back and I don't think it's dishonesty on their part it genuinely they didn't know. For me I need answers in that as some of the things found will stretch my boundaries the amount, the type of image, I don't know if I can accept those. It's hard, I see him and I love him but I hate this life I am in now. I love my kids so much but I never intended to be a single mum in this mess. I forgot to take my antidepressant the other morning and only realised because on the way to work I started crying in the car just because one of our songs came on. Then I got to work and I was getting so anxious and flustered I realised I forgot my tablet and I couldn't go back for it. I felt so reliant on that tablet to get me through as for as long as I have been taking them I don't cry, where as I cried daily before.



Luce me and my husband are living separately since his arrest we are about 4 months in. Since then my parents know no one else. I speak to family on the phone and they ask for him and I say he is at work. My children however will tell everyone within seconds of seeing them he is mot living with us. But at the moment they don't see people so it's OK.

I am scared of lockdown easing. My friends will want to meet I haven't spoken to any of them now for months. I plan to say he's moved out, it's complicated and I wont be getting into discussion about it. I have lots of family waiting to visit me and again it's going to be really hard for me as I just don't want people to know.

Louise I am glad you are able to get on well right now - it must give you comfort . Sapphire We still see each other but I now know it's something I can't get past and restart our relationship. Regardless of the mistake he made and the sorrow and pain he feels I cannot get over this . The knock at the door, the Social services, the worry of the future for all of us . The financial stress of becoming a single parent with no support from him. Not being able to move because I can't afford anywhere else on my own. Having to take on the mortgage and debt as he cannot work. Very worrying in a small unforgiving town at what will happen when this gets out - bricks through the window perhaps . Thank you for the advice on speaking out. I just can't find the words right now and I worry about making this known wider than our immediate family bubble too soon. It would be easier if we hadn't had such a good relationship and if people didn't see us as a well matched fun loving couple for all of these years ..... so sad. It's so hard. Love to you both

Louise it sounds like you are doing all you can to be happy in this messy situation and that is important. I don't think anyone has it easier in this the challenges are just different. My sons adapting quite well although he misses daddy living with us he is accepting that he doesn't. My youngest who me and my parents thought would forget the quickest struggles, every morning she says is daddy here, every night I go back in because she's crying for daddy and every day when I collect her from nursery u hear her little voice on the other side of the door say is my daddy here? And them saying no its mummy. It breaks my heart.

Luce at the moment we are on okay terms when we have contact for the kids we get on, we talk on the phone about this and we text about the kids. I guess we aren't in a relationship because he don't really have that closeness or intimacy our contact revolves around the kids. It's easier for me to put what he's done to the back of my mind when i see him because no one knows. If people find out I honestly don't think I could cope with that. I still don't know if I can cope with what he has done I feel incredibly betrayed by him and like our relationship was built on secrecy and lies. I often think about if I should just stay single and if I'd ever be able to move on and maybe one day I'd meet someone else. I'm in my mid 30s, I wouldn't be looking for someone to marry - done that, no soul mate required as I thought I'd found that, no one to be a daddy as I don't want more kids.... But I just can't picture myself with anyone else. I know that it's all very new still but I'm sort of testing my emotions and just seeing can I even imagine my life without him and I can't. It's all such a mess for all of us isn't it?

Luce I hope it doesn't come out and if it did that people could see that you are innocent in this. I've had nightmares of the same thing, how neighbours would react how extended family would be. Would I lose my friends? My neighbours big on sharing the vigilante stuff on Facebook and media articles so I really think she would be the first to post our address and workplaces all over Facebook. My son plays with her son and I imagine she wouldn't allow that. It's just never ending the thinks you can think of but I really try not to and take each day as it comes.

Oh I feel exactly the same as you louise and rainbow girl. My husbands 3 year order is finishing next year but I still have days where I can be in a happy bubble or days when it hits me. I'm still struggling trying to get through this but I will say it has brought us closer. We remain friends at the moment as I still dont know what I want to do but I am helping him through this. We have been together for a long time and have children so I dont think he can just be written out of our lives. I still have worries about everything and feel ashamed of what hes done but unfortunately I cant change it. I really hope you dont have to wait too long. Its ridiculous x