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Louise49

Member since
January 2021

469 posts

Posted Thu April 8, 2021 8:31amReport post

I've been on this brilliant forum now since about 8th January. It was and still is a massive support and I'm so grateful to all the amazing ladies on here giving support!. So my husband was bailed a few times. This time ( the other day) he was due to be bailed again but the oic rang and spoke to me ( husbands solicitor was on the phone to him the exact same time!). He was actually very helpful and nice to me ( I know a lot of women on here have had bad experiences with the police and I totally respect that). Anyway he asked if I was well and asked about my husbands welfare too. He said he'd likely be re bailed ( we didn't know he needed to confirm but I knew for the police to do that they'd need to apply to magistrates). The next day the solicitor rang and said he was being released under investigation and thats was it!. The oic did say to me his devices are in a very long queue and he was sorry ( to be honest I was kind of relieved, not wanting to face it all really) and they hadn't even got into the devices at all yet.
So now we are in a strange back to normal limbo/bubble. Our lives are kind of back to normal, both at work, doing life stuff and carrying on. I'm getting on brilliantly with my husband, we talk but actually the trauma and extreme anxiety from the first few weeks has faded. Don't get me wrong I know my world will all change in the future but yeah it's like it's happened to someone else!. I hope all you lovely ladies are ok and coping with whichever part of the nightmare you are in xx

Rainbowgirl80

Member since
May 2020

204 posts

Posted Thu April 8, 2021 10:55amReport post

Hi Louise,

We are 10 months in and still no charges. He can't live with us but spends lots of time with me and the boys....

I too feel like I'm in a happy limbo bubble at times..... I just think we only have today.... Tomorrow is not certain or promised... We should allow ourselves to be happy and make the most of each day. Life has gave us a shit load of lemons... So we should make as much lemonade as we can!

Take care hunny xxxxxx

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

469 posts

Posted Thu April 8, 2021 11:13amReport post

Thank you so much Rainbow! This limbo but is strange isn't it. In a way it feels like nothing is ever gonna happen, do you get what I mean?!. I've had no contact from SW since she did the intial home visit with my son. That was back in February! She said then she'd likely close the case. She had to speak to the oic and our Doctor but I've not heard a thing from her! Nothing in writing, no phone call, nothing. My son is over 16 now and daughter she didn't even speak to at the time as she's over 18. If I'm honest I'm not gonna contact her. My husband has no conditions now. She needs to do her job and contact me if needs be?!. I do have days where I really look at the situation and think " why the hell". We've done a lot of soul searching and a lot of deep conversations. I've read up and understand so much about porn addiction. I've said it before on here, it's an out of control epidemic and it's gonna get a lot worse with a wave of young men and women going down that dark path. The police I predict will be so overwhelmed with it all it will be like spooning water out of the ocean!! I don't mean to joke but sometimes I need that normality, you know, normal life stuff. I have no clue what happens now. Do the police keep him updated? Will the SS ever send me paperwork ( doubt it!). Will I get to enjoy our 50th birthday celebrations before the sh*t hits the fan! Xx

Rainbowgirl80

Member since
May 2020

204 posts

Posted Thu April 8, 2021 12:00pmReport post

Hey Louise,

It's good that your husband is allowed to be home with you all.

I too have learnt so much about porn addiction and how my husband's mental health led him down such a dark path. We've spent so many hours talking n crying n still do.. Then we have periods of normality like you say. I listen to a meditation that says... We cannot always control what life brings us but we can choose how we react... We can allow this to blow our life apart and end our relationships... Or not. We have a choice.

As for the questions about what will happen...there is literally no consi hunny. After 10 months we have no charges and are closed to social services with supervised contact and no overnight stays. Charges can happen at any time but we have no certainty when... I too just dream of this all going away... If only!!

Sounds like you're doing so amazing such early on. Xxxx

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

469 posts

Posted Thu April 8, 2021 12:20pmReport post

Thanks love, yeah in the first few weeks I had a breakdown. I look back now and think how the hell did I drag myself out of it all. Thing is we've been together over 25 years, I can't let that go overnight. I mean it was devastating and the early weeks my god they were horrible but deep down I don't want to loose him, it's that simple, I love him. I hate what's he's done and believe me he hates himself so much. In the early days he was close to ending it all he was that remorseful for what he's done to himself, to me and all the potential outcomes. I had CBT therapy and like you I've done a lot of work on myself. In way I wish he could go to the police now and say " look here's what's on the computer" he wants to plead guilty and he wants to tell them how he got down the dark path he went down

Edited Thu April 8, 2021 12:26pm

Rainbowgirl80

Member since
May 2020

204 posts

Posted Thu April 8, 2021 12:50pmReport post

Hey hunny

Yes we are similar... Married for almost 19 years and together for 21.. Have 2 boys aged 9 and 14. Its so so tough.... The divided emotions of the person you know and love and the behaviour.

I agree... My husband was told to say no comment at the first interview and nothing since.. He too just wants it all out and over with. ... To face whatever punishment is coming his way. Its nothing in comparison to the punishment they put on themselves.. He hates himself so much too... More so when he sees me upset.

Have either of you done the Lucy faithful in for. Courses? They really helped us. I have also got a group of amazing women on WhatsApp now and we support eachother. My husband is now having therapy with stop so which seems to really help him to understand his emotions and how much he bottled stuff up in the past which then came out sideways.

Are you in touch with any other women off the forums? It does help. Xxx

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

469 posts

Posted Thu April 8, 2021 1:28pmReport post

He's doing the modules on here but we honestly can't afford the therapy right now. He's reading some of the books that were reccomended to me at the beginning ( porn trap and I think it's called your brain on porn). I haven't connected with anyone outside of here. I did join the stopso forum but found it really overwhelming with the massive amount of emails! So I deleted it. I really hope the evaluation on here changes some aspects, for example a way to private message securely. I do like the threads i got into in the early days where I'd just chat about normal life stuff. Maybe the forum developers on here could do a section like that?!. Yes we all come here for advice etc which is brilliant but I know what helps with me is actual normal chat!. Like I'd love to honestly talk about my life, my kids, hobbies, what I'm having for tea!! I think it helps as it's a distraction. And let's face it, women naturally come together don't they?!

Rainbowgirl80

Member since
May 2020

204 posts

Posted Thu April 8, 2021 5:10pmReport post

Awww Louise I totally agree. I feel like the other women in my life going through this are the only ones I can truly relate to.. As only they understand the roller coaster of emotions. I am in a WhatsApp group with the women I done the course with n it really helps.. Just chatting daily n supporting eachother... Warrior women together.

There was a post whereby mums net user names were shared... Not sure if it's still active. Xx

Sid

Member since
March 2021

52 posts

Posted Thu April 8, 2021 6:06pmReport post

Oh my goodness this is exactly us, except we got the knock on the 2nd March. It scares me how long this can go on for.
he is currently at home with me and the kids and we are like our normal family which feels really weird. He has realised how much that he has taken for granted and how much he could loose as well as doing something so wrong! I have tried contacting the sw thinking I am being proactive. (we have had the initial visit, she has spoken to the kids (8and12) and now we are waiting for her to speak to him) but she never answers emails or text.

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

469 posts

Posted Thu April 8, 2021 6:43pmReport post

Post deleted by user


Edited Thu April 8, 2021 7:41pm

T2021

Member since
December 2020

52 posts

Posted Thu April 8, 2021 7:31pmReport post

Hi Louise I am pleased for you. It's great that he's no longer on bail. Can I ask what he was accused of please xx

Saphire

Member since
January 2021

144 posts

Posted Thu April 8, 2021 8:47pmReport post

Hi Louise our journey times are quite similar aren't they I think I'm about 2 weeks ahead of you but our journeys are taking different paths. We've had the devices checked I know what was found and we are waiting for the cps to say what the charges will be. Its been a few weeks now I know they estimate a month and I think we are almost there, but I think there's delays now with covid?

I'm in a strange situation where what was found was more than I though and covered all the categories and dates beyond what was initially suggested. Things have been found that my husband swears he has no knowledge of and I do believe him. I can tell when he isn't lying as if he is he tends to be quiet and ignore things Bury his head hope it goes away avoid confrontation. But this he swears he didn't know about and pours out emotion in levels I've never seen before. I'm waiting for the charges and the next lot of detail as hoping the charges will mean more detail of the evidence will be known. We aren't in a relationship we are battling social services over our stupid contact arrangements. I love him deeply. So deeply that it hurts. I worry for him all of the time. But at the moment we can't be in a relationship we can only try to be good parents. I'm in this second phase of limbo where I feel like I know half the facts and I've got too many questions and mot enough answers.

I'd focus on being together, being strong, supporting each other and building your own strength. Being honest and open with each other. Hopefully you get some answers soon. But in the meantime just be happy or as happy as you can.

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

469 posts

Posted Thu April 8, 2021 9:21pmReport post

Hi Saphire, yeah we are about the same time wise but my crikey your situation has gone very fast hasn't it love. I do feel a bit like it hasn't happened to us or it will go on forever and a little bit of me doesn't mind actually not getting to the dreaded bit yet. I think cos we are getting on well and we are both back at work. The kids lives are carrying on as normal. Basically I really wish it was just a bad nightmare! I'm lulled into a false sense of hope I suppose. I go from making lots of plans, plans that are for months away and for plans for my next weekend off with my husband. I'm not angry at all with my husband, well sometimes I'm more resentful I suppose. I bring up things like money and our future because in reality the court case and solicitors costs could be a lot and that makes me feel resentful. Kind of like " well I can't just go and buy a tonne of stuff because I love shopping" I could of done it secretly for years and then got found out and be in huge debt so I see what he's done in secret is now gonna make us in a lot of debt with the added trauma that his crime has brought, does that make sense?!

Luce

Member since
December 2020

27 posts

Posted Thu April 8, 2021 10:58pmReport post

Hi ladies I really resonate with this thread which felt so familiar and felt compelled to comment. We are 8 months in and not together but I'm trying to still offer some support. It feels harsh I feel sorry for him he made a terrible mistake but at the same time I'm still too angry. I'm trying to just get on with life before the bomb drops its torturous . My question is this, as we come out of lockdown my friends have started arranging get togethers and it was easy to hide before . My anxiety levels are hitting the roof as I still have not told anyone and my friends and family want to know why the hell we have split and I don't want to make up lies. Anyone else facing difficult questions ? Lots of love to all stay strong.

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

469 posts

Posted Fri April 9, 2021 6:14amReport post

Hi Luce. I'm with my husband and haven't split up. I haven't actually told anyone apart from my brother and we are very close. I think with you I'd ask myself if I really want anyone to know, if your anxious and worried would it not be easier to say something like your having a rough patch? And that it's very personal?, usually when you say stuff like it's very personal people don't tend to pry?!.If you don't want to lie is there one friend or family member you can really really trust?, with me the fewer people that know the better, people love a gossip and a drama!.I'm sorry you're in this horrible situation too, it's very hard isn't it love xx

Saphire

Member since
January 2021

144 posts

Posted Fri April 9, 2021 7:52amReport post

Louise yes ours is going fast and I was finding myself getting in to the routine of the waiting game and the thought process and starting each thinking when will I know. It consumed me. I also was reassuring myself a lot this won't be as bad, it won't be many, he didn't have the time, I never saw him on his laptop or device, we were alway together, he went to bed when I did, I don't go out much... All these things were my way of coping. But it actually set me up for a shock. I now realise that there will be things found that he did not know about, did not open or did not knowingly receive and that terrifies me that he will be punished for that and will it ever be proven that he didn't know and will I believe that he didn't know. That's the hard bit what they say they saw and think they saw isn't always what comes back and I don't think it's dishonesty on their part it genuinely they didn't know. For me I need answers in that as some of the things found will stretch my boundaries the amount, the type of image, I don't know if I can accept those. It's hard, I see him and I love him but I hate this life I am in now. I love my kids so much but I never intended to be a single mum in this mess. I forgot to take my antidepressant the other morning and only realised because on the way to work I started crying in the car just because one of our songs came on. Then I got to work and I was getting so anxious and flustered I realised I forgot my tablet and I couldn't go back for it. I felt so reliant on that tablet to get me through as for as long as I have been taking them I don't cry, where as I cried daily before.



Luce me and my husband are living separately since his arrest we are about 4 months in. Since then my parents know no one else. I speak to family on the phone and they ask for him and I say he is at work. My children however will tell everyone within seconds of seeing them he is mot living with us. But at the moment they don't see people so it's OK.

I am scared of lockdown easing. My friends will want to meet I haven't spoken to any of them now for months. I plan to say he's moved out, it's complicated and I wont be getting into discussion about it. I have lots of family waiting to visit me and again it's going to be really hard for me as I just don't want people to know.

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

469 posts

Posted Fri April 9, 2021 8:21amReport post

Saphire and Luce, I feel for you I really do. In a way it's easier for me I think having older children. I'm just like a taxi now!! No Mums at the school gate, no big family gatherings like we used to have! My kids are off doing their own thing. I do think the approach of " we are going through a rough patch and it's very personal" is the way to go. Saphire I totally get that about wanting to know everything, I'm the same. You need to prepare don't you, for what ever outcome, I became obsessed with it actually. I was looking at everything online, reasearch after reasearch! But it was making me a lot worse. The only thing I do now is come on here from time to time. I've been doing a lot for myself and like I've said before, me and my husband are getting on brilliant, that's why I feel so sad for all that he's done. He kept it a secret through fear of me leaving him, he was ashamed and very upset and scared thinking the worst would happen if he told me. I wish he had, I really do. I've also had a few anxiety episodes Saphire like you, in fact the other day a wave of tears came over me on my dog walk. Actually though it felt ok to cry, to let it out ( plus it was cold and windy so I didn't look daft!!) I felt better after a good cry!

Luce

Member since
December 2020

27 posts

Posted Fri April 9, 2021 11:42pmReport post

Louise I am glad you are able to get on well right now - it must give you comfort . Sapphire We still see each other but I now know it's something I can't get past and restart our relationship. Regardless of the mistake he made and the sorrow and pain he feels I cannot get over this . The knock at the door, the Social services, the worry of the future for all of us . The financial stress of becoming a single parent with no support from him. Not being able to move because I can't afford anywhere else on my own. Having to take on the mortgage and debt as he cannot work. Very worrying in a small unforgiving town at what will happen when this gets out - bricks through the window perhaps . Thank you for the advice on speaking out. I just can't find the words right now and I worry about making this known wider than our immediate family bubble too soon. It would be easier if we hadn't had such a good relationship and if people didn't see us as a well matched fun loving couple for all of these years ..... so sad. It's so hard. Love to you both

Saphire

Member since
January 2021

144 posts

Posted Sat April 10, 2021 8:09amReport post

Louise it sounds like you are doing all you can to be happy in this messy situation and that is important. I don't think anyone has it easier in this the challenges are just different. My sons adapting quite well although he misses daddy living with us he is accepting that he doesn't. My youngest who me and my parents thought would forget the quickest struggles, every morning she says is daddy here, every night I go back in because she's crying for daddy and every day when I collect her from nursery u hear her little voice on the other side of the door say is my daddy here? And them saying no its mummy. It breaks my heart.

Luce at the moment we are on okay terms when we have contact for the kids we get on, we talk on the phone about this and we text about the kids. I guess we aren't in a relationship because he don't really have that closeness or intimacy our contact revolves around the kids. It's easier for me to put what he's done to the back of my mind when i see him because no one knows. If people find out I honestly don't think I could cope with that. I still don't know if I can cope with what he has done I feel incredibly betrayed by him and like our relationship was built on secrecy and lies. I often think about if I should just stay single and if I'd ever be able to move on and maybe one day I'd meet someone else. I'm in my mid 30s, I wouldn't be looking for someone to marry - done that, no soul mate required as I thought I'd found that, no one to be a daddy as I don't want more kids.... But I just can't picture myself with anyone else. I know that it's all very new still but I'm sort of testing my emotions and just seeing can I even imagine my life without him and I can't. It's all such a mess for all of us isn't it?

Luce I hope it doesn't come out and if it did that people could see that you are innocent in this. I've had nightmares of the same thing, how neighbours would react how extended family would be. Would I lose my friends? My neighbours big on sharing the vigilante stuff on Facebook and media articles so I really think she would be the first to post our address and workplaces all over Facebook. My son plays with her son and I imagine she wouldn't allow that. It's just never ending the thinks you can think of but I really try not to and take each day as it comes.

Rainbow

Member since
January 2019

282 posts

Posted Sat April 10, 2021 2:06pmReport post

Oh I feel exactly the same as you louise and rainbow girl. My husbands 3 year order is finishing next year but I still have days where I can be in a happy bubble or days when it hits me. I'm still struggling trying to get through this but I will say it has brought us closer. We remain friends at the moment as I still dont know what I want to do but I am helping him through this. We have been together for a long time and have children so I dont think he can just be written out of our lives. I still have worries about everything and feel ashamed of what hes done but unfortunately I cant change it. I really hope you dont have to wait too long. Its ridiculous x