Still not feeling like it's getting easier
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Just felt like a rant today I'm afraid so I'm sorry if my post upsets or offends anyone.
My husband is on his last year of his 3 year order and halfway through register. He doesnt live with me and ss have agreed to unsupervised access with his teenage children however I just still feel so upset about all of this still. I get good days but I still get bad days where I wish this hadnt happened.
I'm paranoid all the time and just constantly think about what would happen if it gets out.
Hes supposed to get his phone checked but he hasnt seen the officer in nearly a year. It cant be because of covid as they came during lockdown last time. They've put him as medium risk so why are they taking so long to visit?
I'm the victim yet I dont feel I have support from anyone. Yes I know we have professionals but I want to meet with people who have experienced this.
I feel like ss are asking me questions to catch me out and are judging me. My husband has his po to help him through this but I have no one. Ss just want to know what I'm doing with my life and making sure hes not a part of it yet they expect women going through this to carry on. Most of us have time time jobs because we have children so how are we expected to pay bills and the mortgage if we are told our partners need to move out or that's the pressure we have put on us.
After what feels like so long I still feel like I'm taking a day at a time. I dont know what I'm going to do in the future but people shouldnt be put under the spotlight to answer.
I am so shocked to see many of us here and I still think police should be contacting these websites to tell them rather than sit and wait to catch people out.
I'm sorry to have a moan but I just need to get it out of my system.
X
My husband is on his last year of his 3 year order and halfway through register. He doesnt live with me and ss have agreed to unsupervised access with his teenage children however I just still feel so upset about all of this still. I get good days but I still get bad days where I wish this hadnt happened.
I'm paranoid all the time and just constantly think about what would happen if it gets out.
Hes supposed to get his phone checked but he hasnt seen the officer in nearly a year. It cant be because of covid as they came during lockdown last time. They've put him as medium risk so why are they taking so long to visit?
I'm the victim yet I dont feel I have support from anyone. Yes I know we have professionals but I want to meet with people who have experienced this.
I feel like ss are asking me questions to catch me out and are judging me. My husband has his po to help him through this but I have no one. Ss just want to know what I'm doing with my life and making sure hes not a part of it yet they expect women going through this to carry on. Most of us have time time jobs because we have children so how are we expected to pay bills and the mortgage if we are told our partners need to move out or that's the pressure we have put on us.
After what feels like so long I still feel like I'm taking a day at a time. I dont know what I'm going to do in the future but people shouldnt be put under the spotlight to answer.
I am so shocked to see many of us here and I still think police should be contacting these websites to tell them rather than sit and wait to catch people out.
I'm sorry to have a moan but I just need to get it out of my system.
X
Rainbow
I had to reply to you, I don't know the awnsers to your questions , but what I will say is this your husband is nearly through this. I am unsure if anyone would find out now . Police are inconsistent/ss well that's another ball game altogether none of them know what they are doing. As for ss asking what your doing with your life that's got nothing to do with them you didn't do anything wrong remember those words , you and your children are victims in this and you get to pick up all them pieces.
I am very anti ss but that's because of past , I could of took them to court wish I had now but was young and didn't know any better.
With regards your teenage children do they even want to see there dad ?
I'm sorry your struggling I know a few people have met up on this forum in person.
Unfortunately I am new to the forum (about a month)
I am learning as I go along, I'm a mum to a offender.
I'm not even sure if I have the right to feel like I do but my heart is shattered, I can't imagine how I'd feel if it was my hubby/partner .
I'm sending a hug your way xx
I had to reply to you, I don't know the awnsers to your questions , but what I will say is this your husband is nearly through this. I am unsure if anyone would find out now . Police are inconsistent/ss well that's another ball game altogether none of them know what they are doing. As for ss asking what your doing with your life that's got nothing to do with them you didn't do anything wrong remember those words , you and your children are victims in this and you get to pick up all them pieces.
I am very anti ss but that's because of past , I could of took them to court wish I had now but was young and didn't know any better.
With regards your teenage children do they even want to see there dad ?
I'm sorry your struggling I know a few people have met up on this forum in person.
Unfortunately I am new to the forum (about a month)
I am learning as I go along, I'm a mum to a offender.
I'm not even sure if I have the right to feel like I do but my heart is shattered, I can't imagine how I'd feel if it was my hubby/partner .
I'm sending a hug your way xx
Hi Rainbow,
I totally understand 100% where you are coming from when you say there is no help for you. I raised that with 2 different probation teams and 2 different police offender mangers. Probation have sorted counselling and an autism assessment out for my husband, but there is absolutely no support for me! Yet, my life has been completely turned up side down, and how is that fair. Probation and the police prefer it is these people have stable and supportive families as they are much less likely to re-offend and they aren't having to find housing etc for them, but do nothing to help us.
I am glad we don't have children, because we don't have to deal with SS.
As for the offender manager visits, depending on the risk level there is a minimum number of visits per year required, for medium it's twice a year based on what I was on unlock. Given the number of people arrested for these crimes now each one is managing a large number. My husbands previous one said he had over 100 to manage!
I totally get the paranoia that people will find out thing. We're coming up to 19 months post sentencing and I do still occasionally get those moments. My paranoia is slightly real because some people did find out even though it was never in the paper. The first lockdown really helped me as I felt happier walking down the street as a lot less people were about. Last summer some old friends, who, I know do know got back in touch, but it doesn't get talked about when we do see them. From there, others have also started to get back in touch too. I'm sure there are some who would still shout the p word across the street if they saw us, but most people are either pleasant or just walk on past and blank you.
Have you tried counselling to help you get through this? I know it totally sucks to feel like you have done nothing wrong and yet you're the one having to pay to access help? If you want to talk to a counsellor with experience in these areas then Stop So have specialist counsellors and several people on here have used them in the past. You deserve to be happy, it is not your fault that you find yourself in this situation and maybe counselling could help you get there.
I totally understand 100% where you are coming from when you say there is no help for you. I raised that with 2 different probation teams and 2 different police offender mangers. Probation have sorted counselling and an autism assessment out for my husband, but there is absolutely no support for me! Yet, my life has been completely turned up side down, and how is that fair. Probation and the police prefer it is these people have stable and supportive families as they are much less likely to re-offend and they aren't having to find housing etc for them, but do nothing to help us.
I am glad we don't have children, because we don't have to deal with SS.
As for the offender manager visits, depending on the risk level there is a minimum number of visits per year required, for medium it's twice a year based on what I was on unlock. Given the number of people arrested for these crimes now each one is managing a large number. My husbands previous one said he had over 100 to manage!
I totally get the paranoia that people will find out thing. We're coming up to 19 months post sentencing and I do still occasionally get those moments. My paranoia is slightly real because some people did find out even though it was never in the paper. The first lockdown really helped me as I felt happier walking down the street as a lot less people were about. Last summer some old friends, who, I know do know got back in touch, but it doesn't get talked about when we do see them. From there, others have also started to get back in touch too. I'm sure there are some who would still shout the p word across the street if they saw us, but most people are either pleasant or just walk on past and blank you.
Have you tried counselling to help you get through this? I know it totally sucks to feel like you have done nothing wrong and yet you're the one having to pay to access help? If you want to talk to a counsellor with experience in these areas then Stop So have specialist counsellors and several people on here have used them in the past. You deserve to be happy, it is not your fault that you find yourself in this situation and maybe counselling could help you get there.
Rainbow
I feel the same, there is no one to talk to its such a lonely life now. I dont want to talk to the people who know, because deep down I know their fed up of it. I want to talk to people who know what it's like maybe have a laugh and a gossip of rubbish without being judge. I'm still with myhub, and like you say, they have so much support. We too have not seen the police since he was sentenced 8 months ago, just 2 phone calls. He see his PO regularly and a mental health DR. His family are supporting, I have not told mine has I dont think they would understand why I'm still with him.
It's so unfair on us, we are totally forgotten .
Look after You and know you are not alone. Sending you a virtual Hug
Anne
I feel the same, there is no one to talk to its such a lonely life now. I dont want to talk to the people who know, because deep down I know their fed up of it. I want to talk to people who know what it's like maybe have a laugh and a gossip of rubbish without being judge. I'm still with myhub, and like you say, they have so much support. We too have not seen the police since he was sentenced 8 months ago, just 2 phone calls. He see his PO regularly and a mental health DR. His family are supporting, I have not told mine has I dont think they would understand why I'm still with him.
It's so unfair on us, we are totally forgotten .
Look after You and know you are not alone. Sending you a virtual Hug
Anne
Hi Rainbow, just reading through your post love. Are you and your husband co parenting? You sound like you are supporting your husband ( although not living together) but you are getting negative support from the SW?. Have you told her what your plans are, like really sat down and outlined exactly how your life is and will go?. The reason I say this is, like everyone has said you haven't done anything wrong but it's your own life. Please reach out and get help for yourself. If you want to be supportive for your husband and vice Versa then SS in my mind should be proactive in doing that ( I know a lot of times this isn't the case!). Take care love and at the end of the day you and your family are the priority and how you want to be happy in the future xx
Ah thanks for the lovely replies.
When I had the ss assessment they didnt really ask the questions I was expecting. They know we see him a lot and are trying to help him through this. Tbh I really dont know what the future holds. I'm just trying to do what's right for my kids and to keep things normal. They are aware what's happened and we try and do normal family things still. I do think it's good for my husband to still be a part of our family as it will help him.
Some people know some of the story but I havent really spoken to them for ages because of lockdown plus we weren't friends who speak to each other daily. I dont really have close friends but I didn't before all of this happened anyway. I guess within time I will start to make new friends? At the moment I'm just avoiding social places as I just want to be shut away until this is over x
When I had the ss assessment they didnt really ask the questions I was expecting. They know we see him a lot and are trying to help him through this. Tbh I really dont know what the future holds. I'm just trying to do what's right for my kids and to keep things normal. They are aware what's happened and we try and do normal family things still. I do think it's good for my husband to still be a part of our family as it will help him.
Some people know some of the story but I havent really spoken to them for ages because of lockdown plus we weren't friends who speak to each other daily. I dont really have close friends but I didn't before all of this happened anyway. I guess within time I will start to make new friends? At the moment I'm just avoiding social places as I just want to be shut away until this is over x
Anne / Rainbow - have you tried reaching out to people via mumsnet? See the reaching out thread. I know it can be daunting to make that first move. There's a few of us who starting talking that way who have formed a little what's app group. All but one is now post sentencing and I have to admit it is great to be able to chat about anything but also chat about how this all is affecting us knowing that the others can relate.
I talk to 2 lovely ladies on mumsnet but I'm not sure how to connect with others on there as dont want to put my username up x
mjl73
I have seen it, but I'm not on mumsnet. Its just being brave enough to connect.
Thank you for asking.
Anne x
I have seen it, but I'm not on mumsnet. Its just being brave enough to connect.
Thank you for asking.
Anne x
Rainbow
My user name is bec0310 welcome to message me .. look forward to hearing from you :)
My user name is bec0310 welcome to message me .. look forward to hearing from you :)