Did you stay together, or did you separate?
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Its only been 3.5 weeks since the knock. We've been together for 18 years, we have 2 kids aged 14 and 10. If his version of events is true then he got involved with Kik during the breakdown he had about a year ago, and ended up viewing iioc that was mixed in with some other porn (but hadn't searched/asked for it). Part of the allegation is one distribution also, but whilst he admits sharing porn on Kik, he says he never knowingly shared iioc.
I keep swinging from one extreme to the other, one moment I'm certain it's over, but the next I'm sobbing because we've got so many good years behind us. How many partners choose to stay? How can I ever look at him in the same way again? What have your friends/family been like if you've stayed? How long did it take you to reach a decision? I'm thinking I can't make a decision at least until his devices are back, but how much collateral damage will already be done by then I don't know :(
I keep swinging from one extreme to the other, one moment I'm certain it's over, but the next I'm sobbing because we've got so many good years behind us. How many partners choose to stay? How can I ever look at him in the same way again? What have your friends/family been like if you've stayed? How long did it take you to reach a decision? I'm thinking I can't make a decision at least until his devices are back, but how much collateral damage will already be done by then I don't know :(
Hi
I stayed with myhub, it wasnt easy at first, you have to talk. Some things you won't want to hear,but unfortunately it is the only way.
I don't know what the future holds, but noone does for now we are doing ok. Been together nearly 35 years.
Our daughters and some of His family supported, our close friends have been a godsend, my family I believe dont know.
Each stage does get better. Your life will never be the same again, it becomes a new normal.
It won't be easy, but which ever you choose its must be your choice noone can make that for you, your emotions will change regularly. Unfortunately we do become the forgotten victims.
Take care
Anne
I stayed with myhub, it wasnt easy at first, you have to talk. Some things you won't want to hear,but unfortunately it is the only way.
I don't know what the future holds, but noone does for now we are doing ok. Been together nearly 35 years.
Our daughters and some of His family supported, our close friends have been a godsend, my family I believe dont know.
Each stage does get better. Your life will never be the same again, it becomes a new normal.
It won't be easy, but which ever you choose its must be your choice noone can make that for you, your emotions will change regularly. Unfortunately we do become the forgotten victims.
Take care
Anne
We weren't allowed to stay together, we have a 4.5-year-old child.
Hi lemon drizzle (my fav cake...)
Is your partner allowed at home? How have SS taken it? I ask because there might be a possibility that if and when charged may be restricted from being at home. The LFF helpline might be able to help clarify the potential of this, or a solicitor.
I stayed with my partner all the way through investigation and now after sentencing. We have our new normal. He got suspended sentence and community service. His SOR and SHPO and criminal conviction means we can't do everything we want as a couple.
The police look through his phone and messages between us. Can't go abroad to some places. Increase costs in insurance (car, house). Hard for him to get a job.
None of my family and friends know but I think they suspect something because he has no access to his kids- mother doesn't want him to be involved. To be honest I'm not sure I would be able to stay with him if people ever find out because I can't cope with lots of people cutting me out.
It is up to you what you decide and you can chnage your mind at any time. For me it was important my partner is honest and open at all times. He also was proactive in his rehabilitation.
Is your partner allowed at home? How have SS taken it? I ask because there might be a possibility that if and when charged may be restricted from being at home. The LFF helpline might be able to help clarify the potential of this, or a solicitor.
I stayed with my partner all the way through investigation and now after sentencing. We have our new normal. He got suspended sentence and community service. His SOR and SHPO and criminal conviction means we can't do everything we want as a couple.
The police look through his phone and messages between us. Can't go abroad to some places. Increase costs in insurance (car, house). Hard for him to get a job.
None of my family and friends know but I think they suspect something because he has no access to his kids- mother doesn't want him to be involved. To be honest I'm not sure I would be able to stay with him if people ever find out because I can't cope with lots of people cutting me out.
It is up to you what you decide and you can chnage your mind at any time. For me it was important my partner is honest and open at all times. He also was proactive in his rehabilitation.
Lemondrizzle....
please don't make any decisions yet... if you had asked me a few weeks into this nightmare if we were staying together I would have said absolutely not. But here I am a year down the line and my husband is now back home. We have similar age children to you. For me it was down to how many images he had viewed (it was less than ten) and what time period we were looking at. He's also engaged in counselling and is working really hard to make changes to his life. He was in an incredibly stressful job and has a diagnosis of ptsd. It's been really tough - if I'm being honest, he wouldn't be home if we didn't have children - but we are trying to make it work. I'm still pretty angry with him though as we still face ongoing challenges.
Take your time and take each day as it comes. Take care xxx
please don't make any decisions yet... if you had asked me a few weeks into this nightmare if we were staying together I would have said absolutely not. But here I am a year down the line and my husband is now back home. We have similar age children to you. For me it was down to how many images he had viewed (it was less than ten) and what time period we were looking at. He's also engaged in counselling and is working really hard to make changes to his life. He was in an incredibly stressful job and has a diagnosis of ptsd. It's been really tough - if I'm being honest, he wouldn't be home if we didn't have children - but we are trying to make it work. I'm still pretty angry with him though as we still face ongoing challenges.
Take your time and take each day as it comes. Take care xxx
Thank you so much all x
He's not allowed at home at the moment as not allowed any contact with the kids until a CIN plan has been agreed upon (and even then they've said we have to start with FaceTime only to begin with).
It is so hard to know what to do, but you're right it is still very early days and I don't have to make, or even stick to, any decisions right now.
There are very few people who know - I really don't think I could stay with him if it 'got out'. I just wish the process was quicker, the waiting is like torture and we are hardly any time in at all really :(
He's not allowed at home at the moment as not allowed any contact with the kids until a CIN plan has been agreed upon (and even then they've said we have to start with FaceTime only to begin with).
It is so hard to know what to do, but you're right it is still very early days and I don't have to make, or even stick to, any decisions right now.
There are very few people who know - I really don't think I could stay with him if it 'got out'. I just wish the process was quicker, the waiting is like torture and we are hardly any time in at all really :(
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Hi jd, sorry I've only just seen this! We are now 7 months on from the knock and the devices are still not back :( He is now allowed to see the children under my supervision, and SS have signed us off for now, at least until there is a criminal outcome.
With regards to our relationship, I'm still unsure. Officially, right now, we are separated. But I can't just switch off the love and forget all the good years. But I wonder if he was thinking about all the good years and how much he loved me when he got himself into this mess? (although I do appreciate he never intended to get into this kind of mess)
I've decided I won't make any final decisions until the criminal side of things is over, and even then, I'm not promising him it will be quick or easy.
Take care x
With regards to our relationship, I'm still unsure. Officially, right now, we are separated. But I can't just switch off the love and forget all the good years. But I wonder if he was thinking about all the good years and how much he loved me when he got himself into this mess? (although I do appreciate he never intended to get into this kind of mess)
I've decided I won't make any final decisions until the criminal side of things is over, and even then, I'm not promising him it will be quick or easy.
Take care x
Hi Lemon,
I am three and half years post knock and a year in after sentencing, 12 months suspended for 2 years, it's been the longest 12 months of my life but that is down to ss, we have been arrived 18 years and I didn't give up on my hubby, although I still struggle now ( again because we ended up on ccp, as previous ss would have had my hubby shot if she could of ) there r times where I want to throw in the towel, but then he has been an amazing husband to me and a wonderful dad to our kids, he is alot older than me and we were going through a rough patch, and started looking at porn to make it better and then fell down the rabbit hole. I just want to say things maybe rough but if u want to make it work u can, if he is being honest with u and u talk it out it will work out, my hubby was in the media, we have lost friends and family, mainly because we didn't tell them about the court hearing but then I have gained new friends who have been amazing and stand by me, but we git through it all. Sending love and hugs
I am three and half years post knock and a year in after sentencing, 12 months suspended for 2 years, it's been the longest 12 months of my life but that is down to ss, we have been arrived 18 years and I didn't give up on my hubby, although I still struggle now ( again because we ended up on ccp, as previous ss would have had my hubby shot if she could of ) there r times where I want to throw in the towel, but then he has been an amazing husband to me and a wonderful dad to our kids, he is alot older than me and we were going through a rough patch, and started looking at porn to make it better and then fell down the rabbit hole. I just want to say things maybe rough but if u want to make it work u can, if he is being honest with u and u talk it out it will work out, my hubby was in the media, we have lost friends and family, mainly because we didn't tell them about the court hearing but then I have gained new friends who have been amazing and stand by me, but we git through it all. Sending love and hugs
Hi .. no we have seperated I found out he'd done this before and had a custodial sentence.. he never told me we've been together 16 yrs .. married 5 Aug past.. it was June 1st the knock came a week after him having brain op .
5 months on I'm still in shock..anger ..guilt ..
We are still in the same house but separate as much as we can be I feel like I've been bereft but he's still here ..
5 months on I'm still in shock..anger ..guilt ..
We are still in the same house but separate as much as we can be I feel like I've been bereft but he's still here ..
A year since the knock no devices back and no charges yet. It's been a long struggle for me mainly thanks to SS. We are separated with still no contact with his child (SS arranging this) it took me a while to realise how selfish he is
Hi Lemon,
I myself have decided to stick by my partner at this point, however I'm aware that this decision is something you need to make over time and so I'm trying to accept that this decision is provisional and depends on a lot of things down the line. It seems that we both got the knock really recently and a lot can happen in a few weeks (as you've probably found) - let alone potentially another year or more until convictions.
I think you need to deal with things as they come and see how you feel at each stage. What really counts for me at the moment is how I feel about my partner and if I can move past what he did. what will count in the future is the consequences of this and what unfolds.
All I can tell myself (and same should go for you) is that you'll be ok whatever happens and you will do what is best for you and your kids. Sending love xxx
I myself have decided to stick by my partner at this point, however I'm aware that this decision is something you need to make over time and so I'm trying to accept that this decision is provisional and depends on a lot of things down the line. It seems that we both got the knock really recently and a lot can happen in a few weeks (as you've probably found) - let alone potentially another year or more until convictions.
I think you need to deal with things as they come and see how you feel at each stage. What really counts for me at the moment is how I feel about my partner and if I can move past what he did. what will count in the future is the consequences of this and what unfolds.
All I can tell myself (and same should go for you) is that you'll be ok whatever happens and you will do what is best for you and your kids. Sending love xxx
Hey Lemondrizzle,
It's the toughest part of this whole process I think, sorting out your feelings and deciding whether to stick together or cut and run.
I'm 17 mths in now from 'the Knock.' My husband of 15yrs is 4 months into a 7.5mth prison sentence (actual sentence 15mths). We were unfortunate and it was exposed in the press and for me, that's been simply horrific. Having other people knowing what happened has brought a whole new level of shame and humiliation to an already horrible situation. We separated when he was arrested and I will be pursuing a divorce when he's released. We have a toddler and I don't think I can ever trust him fully again, I will always wonder, worry and always feel on edge for another 'knock.' I've also yet to see the restrictions/plans Child Services have in store for us as they have closed the file until his release.
How you move forward depends largely on what you can come to terms with, what you feel you can forgive and largely forget and also how remorseful, open and honest your partner is and how willing they are to rehabilitate. I think the type of crime also plays a part - my husband was communicating sexually with a '12yr old' police decoy. If it had been a couple of indecent images, I may not feel quite as strongly about leaving as I do. I'm also not entirely convinced he fully understands how bad what he has done truly is. He's very, very sorry, remorseful and apologetic, but he has never really given a reason as to why he did what he did. He has never admitted it was his mental health or provided any reason as to why he pursued the convo after the age was revealed. If he's unwilling to admit how and what path lead him where it did, how can he ever overcome the issue?
Ultimately, while I'm devastated my marriage is over, the whole situation has made me quite ill. I now have anxiety and depression, I've been off work, in counselling and I'm slowly trying to rebuild my life. I'm not sure I'll ever fully trust anyone (especially a partner) again. My husband certainly wasn't thinking of his family when he committed the crimes and I'll never be certain he would put us first in the future and sadly, that's where my answer lay.
Don't rush any big decisions at the moment, you're probably still in shock. I think it took me the best part of a year to even begin to deal with how I really felt due to the sheer shock of the situation. Your partner will need to understand it will take you time to process all of what has happened before you can make a decision as to whether you want a future together. Wishing you lots of luck.
It's the toughest part of this whole process I think, sorting out your feelings and deciding whether to stick together or cut and run.
I'm 17 mths in now from 'the Knock.' My husband of 15yrs is 4 months into a 7.5mth prison sentence (actual sentence 15mths). We were unfortunate and it was exposed in the press and for me, that's been simply horrific. Having other people knowing what happened has brought a whole new level of shame and humiliation to an already horrible situation. We separated when he was arrested and I will be pursuing a divorce when he's released. We have a toddler and I don't think I can ever trust him fully again, I will always wonder, worry and always feel on edge for another 'knock.' I've also yet to see the restrictions/plans Child Services have in store for us as they have closed the file until his release.
How you move forward depends largely on what you can come to terms with, what you feel you can forgive and largely forget and also how remorseful, open and honest your partner is and how willing they are to rehabilitate. I think the type of crime also plays a part - my husband was communicating sexually with a '12yr old' police decoy. If it had been a couple of indecent images, I may not feel quite as strongly about leaving as I do. I'm also not entirely convinced he fully understands how bad what he has done truly is. He's very, very sorry, remorseful and apologetic, but he has never really given a reason as to why he did what he did. He has never admitted it was his mental health or provided any reason as to why he pursued the convo after the age was revealed. If he's unwilling to admit how and what path lead him where it did, how can he ever overcome the issue?
Ultimately, while I'm devastated my marriage is over, the whole situation has made me quite ill. I now have anxiety and depression, I've been off work, in counselling and I'm slowly trying to rebuild my life. I'm not sure I'll ever fully trust anyone (especially a partner) again. My husband certainly wasn't thinking of his family when he committed the crimes and I'll never be certain he would put us first in the future and sadly, that's where my answer lay.
Don't rush any big decisions at the moment, you're probably still in shock. I think it took me the best part of a year to even begin to deal with how I really felt due to the sheer shock of the situation. Your partner will need to understand it will take you time to process all of what has happened before you can make a decision as to whether you want a future together. Wishing you lots of luck.
Hi, this is my first post, although I have been reading pretty much every night to try and get some sort of clarity and support.
I go through days where I am wanting to support, days when I hate him and think there is no future ever and days when I'm sure we can get through this and make a life together.
I fear what other people will think if I do support him and stay with him (and fear what backlash our children would get) , then I think who cares its my life and my future and I've done nothing wrong so why can't I do what I want, its so confusing.
He's also been my rock (through various medical diagnosis, inc the big c and career change/study) , a great dad and although he had done something terrible (viewing iioc, he's addicted and getting counselling for sex chats) I don't believe he is all bad, just needs help.
I'm always leaning more towards staying together but know its going to be a very hard bumpy road especially with ss involved.
One thing I know for sure is that something needs to be done around the stigma attached to online offending as I believe this has a lot to do with the pain caused to the family /friends of the arrested.
Sorry for going on and thank you to everyone who did post, you have made my nights that little bit easier knowing I'm not alone x
I go through days where I am wanting to support, days when I hate him and think there is no future ever and days when I'm sure we can get through this and make a life together.
I fear what other people will think if I do support him and stay with him (and fear what backlash our children would get) , then I think who cares its my life and my future and I've done nothing wrong so why can't I do what I want, its so confusing.
He's also been my rock (through various medical diagnosis, inc the big c and career change/study) , a great dad and although he had done something terrible (viewing iioc, he's addicted and getting counselling for sex chats) I don't believe he is all bad, just needs help.
I'm always leaning more towards staying together but know its going to be a very hard bumpy road especially with ss involved.
One thing I know for sure is that something needs to be done around the stigma attached to online offending as I believe this has a lot to do with the pain caused to the family /friends of the arrested.
Sorry for going on and thank you to everyone who did post, you have made my nights that little bit easier knowing I'm not alone x
Can anyone else share there story if they stayed or left please.
Hi middle
I'm still with my partner at the minute.
This is only because he promises devices will come back clean, because he hasn't done it. We are 5 months in, and a couple of weeks ago probation filed a report that stated 'no IIOC found, case will likely be dropped', which sounds promising but we haven't had notification from police yet.
I have always said that I would wait until there was any charges or the case got dropped before I made a proper decision. However, if he was to get charged, I would leave immediately.. 1 - he's lied to me for all this time & I could never trust him again.. 2 - I'm quite a forgiving person, who has also been idiotic and been on the wrong side of the law, but this type of crime makes me feel physically sick and I wouldn't be able to see the person I thought I knew again.
You need to decide what is best for you, but I wouldn't make any rash decisions if you really are unsure.. take your time xx
I'm still with my partner at the minute.
This is only because he promises devices will come back clean, because he hasn't done it. We are 5 months in, and a couple of weeks ago probation filed a report that stated 'no IIOC found, case will likely be dropped', which sounds promising but we haven't had notification from police yet.
I have always said that I would wait until there was any charges or the case got dropped before I made a proper decision. However, if he was to get charged, I would leave immediately.. 1 - he's lied to me for all this time & I could never trust him again.. 2 - I'm quite a forgiving person, who has also been idiotic and been on the wrong side of the law, but this type of crime makes me feel physically sick and I wouldn't be able to see the person I thought I knew again.
You need to decide what is best for you, but I wouldn't make any rash decisions if you really are unsure.. take your time xx
Hi,
I'm still with my partner and we've only been together just under 2 years! The initial knock happened when we'd been together 11 months. As already said, I think it really does depend on circumstance. My partner has been charged for communication and this happened before we were together. I'm hoping next week the solicitor having gone through the evidence will deliver good news but I won't get my hopes up. There were no images and I am 1000% sure he certainly doesn't pose a risk to anyone and especially not children. I think a lot of these crimes spoken about on here are down to silly mistakes, trauma and many other reasons which don't define the person as a whole.
It really does depend on context and the person as a whole. It is hard though. Very hard. And I say that with no children!
I'm still with my partner and we've only been together just under 2 years! The initial knock happened when we'd been together 11 months. As already said, I think it really does depend on circumstance. My partner has been charged for communication and this happened before we were together. I'm hoping next week the solicitor having gone through the evidence will deliver good news but I won't get my hopes up. There were no images and I am 1000% sure he certainly doesn't pose a risk to anyone and especially not children. I think a lot of these crimes spoken about on here are down to silly mistakes, trauma and many other reasons which don't define the person as a whole.
It really does depend on context and the person as a whole. It is hard though. Very hard. And I say that with no children!
I stayed after I found out my partner was under investigation, he was sentenced in 2019. For me it was the fact he was seeking help, remorseful and co operative with the authorities that helped me decide to stay.
There are alot of variables and each person is different. One thing I would say is that your decision is never set, if you change your mind that is very much valid. You need to look out for yourself, dont harm your well-being for the sake of someone else
There are alot of variables and each person is different. One thing I would say is that your decision is never set, if you change your mind that is very much valid. You need to look out for yourself, dont harm your well-being for the sake of someone else
I'm still with my partner, we've been together about a year - Even looking at this as a friend I couldn't let him go through these months without being there to support him. I haven't committed to what will happen after sentencing, selfishly I think that will come down to the sentence. I don't think until that point I'd really be able to understand what would be the lesser of the two evils I'd face.
As many have said the situation is so different for everyone when you factor in all the variable possible, I think only you can know what is right for you.
As many have also said, life will be different and the extent of the difference may depend on the sentence, but then life would be different if you were to break up too - It's a very personal decision.
Whatever you decide I hope you can decide based on what you want and not through any guilt or shame that would steer you either way.
I'd also echo what someone else said, is don't rush your decision.
As many have said the situation is so different for everyone when you factor in all the variable possible, I think only you can know what is right for you.
As many have also said, life will be different and the extent of the difference may depend on the sentence, but then life would be different if you were to break up too - It's a very personal decision.
Whatever you decide I hope you can decide based on what you want and not through any guilt or shame that would steer you either way.
I'd also echo what someone else said, is don't rush your decision.
Thank you all for taking the time to write back to myself.
I fully believe my husband is remorseful and is co-operating fully with the authorities.
We have three children together I feel the sentencing is also my main factor of my decision. Again my husband is fully aware of this and understands why.
I fully believe my husband is remorseful and is co-operating fully with the authorities.
We have three children together I feel the sentencing is also my main factor of my decision. Again my husband is fully aware of this and understands why.
Hi we had the knock 13 months ago again he had been on kik was into porn and other images were linked. I stayed because I think he's told me the truth. I was ill at the time and had been in hospital, he also had a stressful job and I later found out when he was in the armed forces he seen alot of stuff and has since been diagnosed with ptsd. He's been getting professional help. I'm still nervous as his solicitor got in touch just before Christmas saying the devices have now been checked and the police want to interview him again under caution but not until the 2nd week in January so next week. Still don't know what I'm going to do when we find out what happens, we've been together 16 years and I have 2 children 23 and 29 and he's the best husband I could wish for. Will keep you posted with what happens next week but don't rush anything for now x
El
Wishing you the best, that he has told you the whole truth for next week.
Do you mind me asking what he being investigated for?
Wishing you the best, that he has told you the whole truth for next week.
Do you mind me asking what he being investigated for?
Lemondrizzlecake
We had the knock on 19th November. I still don't know if I'm going or staying. My husband is staying at his parents but I have been in contact with him. I change my mind hourly about how I feel. When I feel a certain way I'm 100% sure I have made the right decision, then I change my mind. I'm hoping that once he goes back to police station and charges are brought or not, I'll be able to take a deep breath and get my head around it.
I'm trying to take everyone's advice and not act too hastily.
I hope you find some help and support here x
We had the knock on 19th November. I still don't know if I'm going or staying. My husband is staying at his parents but I have been in contact with him. I change my mind hourly about how I feel. When I feel a certain way I'm 100% sure I have made the right decision, then I change my mind. I'm hoping that once he goes back to police station and charges are brought or not, I'll be able to take a deep breath and get my head around it.
I'm trying to take everyone's advice and not act too hastily.
I hope you find some help and support here x
Middle
His alleged to have 54 iioc on his mobile all of which is in a cache file and they can't access but they seem to know what they are. He went to his 2nd interview yesterday and now we have to wait for them and what's going to happen next, best case is a caution via the police station or its yo be sent to the CPS and see what they decide either to bounce it back to the police to deal with or worse case court.
His alleged to have 54 iioc on his mobile all of which is in a cache file and they can't access but they seem to know what they are. He went to his 2nd interview yesterday and now we have to wait for them and what's going to happen next, best case is a caution via the police station or its yo be sent to the CPS and see what they decide either to bounce it back to the police to deal with or worse case court.