List of offences
Notifications OFF
Oh god. The letter with a court date and charges finally arrived today, 25 months since my husband was first interviewed and RUI.
I knew there was probably a lot, I thought 100's in total, I know what he's like for saving *everything* (he's a hoarder), and he'd explained about the porn addiction etc.
But there are thousands. Its a huge number, and while most are category C, it's so much more than I could have imagined. I'm numb. He said at the time he didn't know what most were, he was just downloading and saving stuff, but *that* many?? I've stuck by him so far but now I don't know what to do. He needs my support but I'm so so angry.
If he gets anything less than a custodial sentence I'd be amazed and I don't want to be here to face that. The court date isn't til next month, at the local magistrate, no idea if they charge him there??
Im so scared for our future now
I knew there was probably a lot, I thought 100's in total, I know what he's like for saving *everything* (he's a hoarder), and he'd explained about the porn addiction etc.
But there are thousands. Its a huge number, and while most are category C, it's so much more than I could have imagined. I'm numb. He said at the time he didn't know what most were, he was just downloading and saving stuff, but *that* many?? I've stuck by him so far but now I don't know what to do. He needs my support but I'm so so angry.
If he gets anything less than a custodial sentence I'd be amazed and I don't want to be here to face that. The court date isn't til next month, at the local magistrate, no idea if they charge him there??
Im so scared for our future now
I'm sorry to hear this, you say thousands is it all still images or moving as well. My son has been charged with 400 about 70 moving .
You don't get charged at magistrates for these offences it will go to Crown. My son is due in court in July.
It's so difficult isn't it, did he not have a rough idea ? You see when they download more images come through than what you realise . These men are absolute fools and I do feel sorry for them but angry at the same time .
You don't get charged at magistrates for these offences it will go to Crown. My son is due in court in July.
It's so difficult isn't it, did he not have a rough idea ? You see when they download more images come through than what you realise . These men are absolute fools and I do feel sorry for them but angry at the same time .
I think they're all still. A few hundred were "A", even if he didn't know.... I don't get it. How can you end up with that much stuff?!
My heart has, and will, break for him but that doesn't mean I also don't hate him for doing this.
My heart has, and will, break for him but that doesn't mean I also don't hate him for doing this.
KIS
Do you know how long the period was of downloading , my son did it for 15 months .
Has your partner recieved help from lff ?
I don't really think they think about the affects it has on us. I am absolutely heartbroken like you . I know exactly how your feeling but obviously mine is my son.
I hope you find the strength for these next few months .. please let us know the outcome will be thinking of you X
Do you know how long the period was of downloading , my son did it for 15 months .
Has your partner recieved help from lff ?
I don't really think they think about the affects it has on us. I am absolutely heartbroken like you . I know exactly how your feeling but obviously mine is my son.
I hope you find the strength for these next few months .. please let us know the outcome will be thinking of you X
Hi Kls,
It's horrific how long we are left in this limbo stage and we move on with our life so so much. It's almost 11 months for us and my fear is just what you said.. That I am rocked and shocked when charges come in.
I guess you have to look at what happened to lead up to the offending and also what he has done since to rehabilitate and show remorse. We can never change what's happened and will never condone their behavior at the time. However... You describe the porn addiction and hoarding so well.. Which is what many of us understand.
I describe this process of our emotions as a snow globe... It settles for a while and then shakes up again.... You've well and truly had your snow globe shook up again. Make sure you take time to process the shock and take each day at a time as we say after the knock. Whatever decisions we make today or tomorrow... Don't have to be forever decisions.. If this process teaches us anything it's how unpredictable life is. We only have today... We never truly know what tomorrow may bring.
Take care of yourself tonight hunny...plenty of self care xxx
It's horrific how long we are left in this limbo stage and we move on with our life so so much. It's almost 11 months for us and my fear is just what you said.. That I am rocked and shocked when charges come in.
I guess you have to look at what happened to lead up to the offending and also what he has done since to rehabilitate and show remorse. We can never change what's happened and will never condone their behavior at the time. However... You describe the porn addiction and hoarding so well.. Which is what many of us understand.
I describe this process of our emotions as a snow globe... It settles for a while and then shakes up again.... You've well and truly had your snow globe shook up again. Make sure you take time to process the shock and take each day at a time as we say after the knock. Whatever decisions we make today or tomorrow... Don't have to be forever decisions.. If this process teaches us anything it's how unpredictable life is. We only have today... We never truly know what tomorrow may bring.
Take care of yourself tonight hunny...plenty of self care xxx
I had a similar shock to you when I found out what they had found when they did a second interview. It was over a longer time frame and more images found that I thought. He hasn't been charged yet. Can I asked how long you had to wait between them interviewing him after the device check and charges? Also can I ask if there's any more detail now he has charges will you get more details disclosed on what images were viewed? What was searched for intentionally? How many images for different ages? Those are the answers I'd really like.
You've had a shock and I had a similar shock after his interview and it knocked me sick for a few days. Take your time think carefully and look after yourself try not to overwhelm youself. Consider his level or remorse, if he is accepting it, if he's actively seeking help. These things will make a difference.x
You've had a shock and I had a similar shock after his interview and it knocked me sick for a few days. Take your time think carefully and look after yourself try not to overwhelm youself. Consider his level or remorse, if he is accepting it, if he's actively seeking help. These things will make a difference.x
Thanks all it's a horrible club to be in but it's such a great support.
It turned out to be roughly 500 cat As, 300 Bs and something like 14,000 C's (zip files are the work of the devil, but that still means masses of downloads) The charge sheet dates 2014 to 2019 but he's adamant but was all in 2018/19 and reckons 2014 is because that's when we bought the PC. I'm not sure. We had the Knock march 2019, and the charges (no second interview) and court date arrived yesterday. So 2 years, 1 month.
You're right, we were settling again, into routine and it was a distant memory then Bam! I'm back in it again. He's been continuing to look at porn every night, but only legal stuff now (checked his history to confirm) but it doesn't bode well for showing improvement! He saw a counsellor for s few sessions in 2019 but it didn't go well, and he stopped. Never went back.
I went from angry last night, to scared today, about what the future holds. We're waiting for his solicitor to contact him now, all I can do is watch and wait, and the take the best road for me. He's on his own on this one, I can't let it drag me in.
It turned out to be roughly 500 cat As, 300 Bs and something like 14,000 C's (zip files are the work of the devil, but that still means masses of downloads) The charge sheet dates 2014 to 2019 but he's adamant but was all in 2018/19 and reckons 2014 is because that's when we bought the PC. I'm not sure. We had the Knock march 2019, and the charges (no second interview) and court date arrived yesterday. So 2 years, 1 month.
You're right, we were settling again, into routine and it was a distant memory then Bam! I'm back in it again. He's been continuing to look at porn every night, but only legal stuff now (checked his history to confirm) but it doesn't bode well for showing improvement! He saw a counsellor for s few sessions in 2019 but it didn't go well, and he stopped. Never went back.
I went from angry last night, to scared today, about what the future holds. We're waiting for his solicitor to contact him now, all I can do is watch and wait, and the take the best road for me. He's on his own on this one, I can't let it drag me in.
Hi KLS,
I do agree about watching porn. The first thing my husband said when he called the helpline was.. I know I can never watch porn again... Its like an alcoholic thinking they can just have one drink... Its too much of a gateway for them. Xx
I do agree about watching porn. The first thing my husband said when he called the helpline was.. I know I can never watch porn again... Its like an alcoholic thinking they can just have one drink... Its too much of a gateway for them. Xx
Definitely, it's the worst thing he could still be doing. I pushed him on it last night, if he could stop, and he dodged the question first, then says yes but hardly convincingly. I'm going to check every morning now and he knows it. Whether I stay longer term is debatable, I love him but he needs to start helping himself.
It is not healthy to be viewing porn daily. I know you said he had therapy before and didn't work out but he should consider trying again. My partner didn't get on with sex addicts anonymous but found a few books helpful before going on the inform course. That course helped him so much. Yes going cold turkey is a step but he needs to manage his triggers to not slip or develop other unhealthy behaviours to compensate.
Big hugs
Big hugs
Ah I feel for you as its clear you love him and you want him to change. But I guess he has to want to change because he wants to be better and doesn't want this situation to happen again. It does sound like he really does need some therapy to help him to realise what he has done and the consequences of his actions as maybe he juet isn't accepting it or the link the to legal porn.
Kls, I really feel for you. I know that love hate feeling. You can't suddenly stop loving someone. I really hated my husband for what he did, but I felt I couldn't abandon him when he was struggling. The sadness is I can clearly see that it is a mental illness, but with these on line offences it is life changing, and we as the innocent party in this have to chose whether to suffer alongside them . Until society understands, this situation will not change and we will continue to punish and marginalise instead of rehabilitating and accepting.
You partner is putting himself and you at more risk by still watching porn, if via online. We know, from people's stories here, that IIOC is often mixed in, and therefore unknowingly downloaded. That is scary.
Please remember though, you are not responsible for him. He needs to take ownership of this and want to get better for himself. Often the shock of arrest is enough to prompt this, so it sounds like he is deep into the addiction...Make sure you are looking after yourself and doing what you need to do to manage what may happen in the future. Xxx
You partner is putting himself and you at more risk by still watching porn, if via online. We know, from people's stories here, that IIOC is often mixed in, and therefore unknowingly downloaded. That is scary.
Please remember though, you are not responsible for him. He needs to take ownership of this and want to get better for himself. Often the shock of arrest is enough to prompt this, so it sounds like he is deep into the addiction...Make sure you are looking after yourself and doing what you need to do to manage what may happen in the future. Xxx
Kis
I Will try to explain something to you. My husband was also a porn addict and had watched porn since young age, first as magazines and then online. Some of it I saw years ago but it was always innocent old pinup photos or some amateur videos or photos. I had downloaded illegal stuff.
He explained that he during a very stressful period when I was seriously ill and he was having an operation came across the child photos by accident. He got curious and went back to watch more of them approximately every second week over a 8 -10 month period 2018/19.
Since the knock he has not watched any porn. First we went to a couple Councelling 3 sessions, then he went alone to another one, 6 sessions. Then we read 2 help books ourselves about porn addiction. We read them out load to each other and did all the exercises. He also did the online exercises from recommended from this forum. His lawyer says he has done a great job to get rid of his addiction.
I am afraid you might be in for a long wait. My husband had the Magistrate Court in October 2020 and the Crown Court that was booked for December has been postponed on a monthly basis since then. (Covid reason). But now he should have been seen in March but it turned out he has t got a probation officer yet and no pre-centence report has been written. His lawyer said he will be seen next week but we haven't got a letter yet so I don't think that will happen. Due to thi unknowing when it will be we can not plan anything, we can't book a UK holiday etc. We are sort of living a day by day life. All his addictions are gone. His laptop is on the table in the living room and I have the log in. He is full of regret. On top of all this waiting stress we are both ill. Have long term health issues. We are over 60. He can not see his grandchildren and I am to disabled to travel long distance on my own. So we are really punished on a daily basis and have no idea for how long. The worst is: I have not done anything wrong in my whole life and I suffer just as much. I miss the children and the grandchildren so much.
I Will try to explain something to you. My husband was also a porn addict and had watched porn since young age, first as magazines and then online. Some of it I saw years ago but it was always innocent old pinup photos or some amateur videos or photos. I had downloaded illegal stuff.
He explained that he during a very stressful period when I was seriously ill and he was having an operation came across the child photos by accident. He got curious and went back to watch more of them approximately every second week over a 8 -10 month period 2018/19.
Since the knock he has not watched any porn. First we went to a couple Councelling 3 sessions, then he went alone to another one, 6 sessions. Then we read 2 help books ourselves about porn addiction. We read them out load to each other and did all the exercises. He also did the online exercises from recommended from this forum. His lawyer says he has done a great job to get rid of his addiction.
I am afraid you might be in for a long wait. My husband had the Magistrate Court in October 2020 and the Crown Court that was booked for December has been postponed on a monthly basis since then. (Covid reason). But now he should have been seen in March but it turned out he has t got a probation officer yet and no pre-centence report has been written. His lawyer said he will be seen next week but we haven't got a letter yet so I don't think that will happen. Due to thi unknowing when it will be we can not plan anything, we can't book a UK holiday etc. We are sort of living a day by day life. All his addictions are gone. His laptop is on the table in the living room and I have the log in. He is full of regret. On top of all this waiting stress we are both ill. Have long term health issues. We are over 60. He can not see his grandchildren and I am to disabled to travel long distance on my own. So we are really punished on a daily basis and have no idea for how long. The worst is: I have not done anything wrong in my whole life and I suffer just as much. I miss the children and the grandchildren so much.
I'm in the exact situation, my OH got the amount back today and I was supporting him but with the amount discovered, it's put me right back at square one. He is yet to give me a valid reason for why he went looking for it in the first place too.
I also found out today that anyone in the images/ videos that look older than 15/16 are not included in the count. This shook me to my core as I was led to believe this is all he had on his devices :-(
For timescale reference, knock in November 2020, second interview today and now going to CPS.
I also found out today that anyone in the images/ videos that look older than 15/16 are not included in the count. This shook me to my core as I was led to believe this is all he had on his devices :-(
For timescale reference, knock in November 2020, second interview today and now going to CPS.