Dear Family and Friends of those closest to the offender...
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So I am addressing the family and friends of those closest to the people closest to the offender, if that makes sense?!
I understand your shock and disgust at what the accused has been arrested for. I understand how hard it is to even begin to understand. However...
It's us... The wives, partners, Sisters, mothers, daughters, mostly women. who suffer the most in this offence. The bomb that gets dropped on our lives the day of the knock... Is the single most traumatic event of our lives. Usually the person we love most in the world and completely unexpected and out of character. If there are children at home.. Then they usually have to move out of the family home... So as well as the hurt, anger and pain we feel... There is also the grief at the loss of the person being removed from ours n often our children's lives.
Public perception of this offence is that every person arrested or charged for this offence is the P word. We put out heads into this to understand and what we find is...
The majority (75%) of these men were led into this type of offending via regular porn.. Addiction as a way of coping with their mental health, the suppression of their emotions and poor coping skills... This escalates over time like any addiction does... The complete lack of desensitisation to what they are looking at. They fall Down a rabbit hole and often its not until the knock happens that they even begin to process how far this has gone.. How there is a clear line between regular porn and indecebt images / communication. Yet at the time.. The ease of access online made it accessible and non consequential, hence they it all mingled into one. Most men say.. It didn't feel real as it was behind a screen.. Yet now they must face up to the fact that it was.
There is around a 2% risk of these men committing a contact offence. The relapse into online offending is around 4%. Yes they have crossed a line but they are not in the same category as child contact offenders.
We are NOT niaeve, we are not in denial and we are not being groomed by the offender... We know more than anyone the severity of and impact of these offences. These men are NOT monsters.
So please, as we are going through this trauma... Can we ask for your empathy, respect and compassion. We are the secondary victims of this offence... Whether we choose to support the offender or not.. Our whole world is turned upside down... We have to find inner strength and resilience that we never thought was possible.. By us supporting the offender.. It doesn't mean we condone their behaviour.. We do and we hate what they have done just as much as you do. The offender probably hates themselves the most.
So we do not need you to make this about you, we do not need to hear how you 'know what these men are like.' we do not need the pressure of you making us choose between the offender and other family members. We are facing so much uncertainty and pain in the future. We do not need the people we love to make it worse.
We are still the same person we were before the knock and so is the offender. Please try to understand how complex men's mental health is... Please try to understand, not for the offender for us. If we try to explain what we've learnt by doing courses, reading multiple studies and statistics and speaking to so many women as well as the offender.... Please respect us enough to listen and put your judgment aside. Life is not black and white and mental health is very very complex.
Thank you for taking the time to read.
Fellow warrior women... Please feel free to add your own thoughts. Lots of love xxxx
I understand your shock and disgust at what the accused has been arrested for. I understand how hard it is to even begin to understand. However...
It's us... The wives, partners, Sisters, mothers, daughters, mostly women. who suffer the most in this offence. The bomb that gets dropped on our lives the day of the knock... Is the single most traumatic event of our lives. Usually the person we love most in the world and completely unexpected and out of character. If there are children at home.. Then they usually have to move out of the family home... So as well as the hurt, anger and pain we feel... There is also the grief at the loss of the person being removed from ours n often our children's lives.
Public perception of this offence is that every person arrested or charged for this offence is the P word. We put out heads into this to understand and what we find is...
The majority (75%) of these men were led into this type of offending via regular porn.. Addiction as a way of coping with their mental health, the suppression of their emotions and poor coping skills... This escalates over time like any addiction does... The complete lack of desensitisation to what they are looking at. They fall Down a rabbit hole and often its not until the knock happens that they even begin to process how far this has gone.. How there is a clear line between regular porn and indecebt images / communication. Yet at the time.. The ease of access online made it accessible and non consequential, hence they it all mingled into one. Most men say.. It didn't feel real as it was behind a screen.. Yet now they must face up to the fact that it was.
There is around a 2% risk of these men committing a contact offence. The relapse into online offending is around 4%. Yes they have crossed a line but they are not in the same category as child contact offenders.
We are NOT niaeve, we are not in denial and we are not being groomed by the offender... We know more than anyone the severity of and impact of these offences. These men are NOT monsters.
So please, as we are going through this trauma... Can we ask for your empathy, respect and compassion. We are the secondary victims of this offence... Whether we choose to support the offender or not.. Our whole world is turned upside down... We have to find inner strength and resilience that we never thought was possible.. By us supporting the offender.. It doesn't mean we condone their behaviour.. We do and we hate what they have done just as much as you do. The offender probably hates themselves the most.
So we do not need you to make this about you, we do not need to hear how you 'know what these men are like.' we do not need the pressure of you making us choose between the offender and other family members. We are facing so much uncertainty and pain in the future. We do not need the people we love to make it worse.
We are still the same person we were before the knock and so is the offender. Please try to understand how complex men's mental health is... Please try to understand, not for the offender for us. If we try to explain what we've learnt by doing courses, reading multiple studies and statistics and speaking to so many women as well as the offender.... Please respect us enough to listen and put your judgment aside. Life is not black and white and mental health is very very complex.
Thank you for taking the time to read.
Fellow warrior women... Please feel free to add your own thoughts. Lots of love xxxx
Rainbowgirl80
I agree with everything you said, you took the words out of my head.
It's the constant punishment we seam to have to live with, its never ending.
We are so much the forgotten victims. We do however become so strong, we are all amazing.
Virtual hugs
Anne
I agree with everything you said, you took the words out of my head.
It's the constant punishment we seam to have to live with, its never ending.
We are so much the forgotten victims. We do however become so strong, we are all amazing.
Virtual hugs
Anne
Thank u rainbow
That's just what I need to hear I was on my knee last night cause of ss saying I not been open with his parenters it really got to me and it was the first time i started packaging a bag because I got to the point after the call from ss feeling and thinking my kids are better of without me in their life's.
Down to people not listening to us it's so hard thank u for this cause I really needed it x
That's just what I need to hear I was on my knee last night cause of ss saying I not been open with his parenters it really got to me and it was the first time i started packaging a bag because I got to the point after the call from ss feeling and thinking my kids are better of without me in their life's.
Down to people not listening to us it's so hard thank u for this cause I really needed it x
Aww thanks girls, I'm glad it helped you.
I have days where I have a real wobble too as my family are making things harder, hence this post!!
Your kids will never be better off without you hunny.. You're their mum! Xx
I have days where I have a real wobble too as my family are making things harder, hence this post!!
Your kids will never be better off without you hunny.. You're their mum! Xx
Thank u rainbow
People don't see the damage they cause with their words or actions we have encountered by what has happen to us in this.
How we try to get thro hour by hour,,
Dealing with grief and trauma,, the kids and all the rest it's so hard all the time so glad we have the form rooms and the helpline don't know where I would be.
Thank u again xx
People don't see the damage they cause with their words or actions we have encountered by what has happen to us in this.
How we try to get thro hour by hour,,
Dealing with grief and trauma,, the kids and all the rest it's so hard all the time so glad we have the form rooms and the helpline don't know where I would be.
Thank u again xx
Rainbow girl you have described so eloquently exactly what I'm feeling!! Thank you so much. It actually made me have a tear. I have only told my brother about what my husband is facing and whilst he struggled to understand at first he is 100% a support to me ( we have a very good relationship), not even told my Mum ( I may never tell her I don't know, my Dad passed away a few years ago but me snd mum get on brilliant) Unfortunately my MIL took it upon herself to tell my Husband father ( she's an alcoholic and has been since he was a child, she also abused him, he told me everything the day of the knock). She felt his father " had a right to know"!!!. We were dealing with it together and my husband was telling him when it was the right time. It all went horrendous with my husbands step family also finding out all because of my thoughtless stupid MIL. I've completely cut her out of our lives as I am supporting my husband. We aren't bloody teenagers ( 50 this year)! And what she did had a far reaching effect!.
Rainbowgirl, I really wish things like your post could be published as an article in the papers. I'm petrified of it getting in the papers and the backlash. In a way that worries me more than if he went to prison and that's just ridiculous isn't it!. It kind of shows we are punished more, the partners, wife's etc etc. Yes the same could be said about other crimes and the innocent wife's but this has such a taboo doesn't it. Like I could tell people if my partner had been done for a drugs crime, or robbing a house. I could probably get more angry about that, people would empathasise with me then it would likely be forgotten! But this!, oh no we are banished too aren't we! Sorry I'm rambling!
Rainbowgirl, I really wish things like your post could be published as an article in the papers. I'm petrified of it getting in the papers and the backlash. In a way that worries me more than if he went to prison and that's just ridiculous isn't it!. It kind of shows we are punished more, the partners, wife's etc etc. Yes the same could be said about other crimes and the innocent wife's but this has such a taboo doesn't it. Like I could tell people if my partner had been done for a drugs crime, or robbing a house. I could probably get more angry about that, people would empathasise with me then it would likely be forgotten! But this!, oh no we are banished too aren't we! Sorry I'm rambling!
This brought a tear to my eye cause it feel so strong about this right now! I've been told by professionals involved with my dad, to 'direct my anger at him' and I've had nights where I've sobbed by myself with my newborn baby, desperate to be able to go round to my mum and dads for them to help me, and asked the question 'why did he have to do it?' But where is the care from ss for me?
but I realise I'm not angry at him, I'm angry he did it, but I'm not angry at him I just want to help him. Yet I'm being told that if I want my mum to look after my daughter he has to spend the day by himself? How is that going to help him recover? When I trust my mum to supervise contact and him still have the company and help from us all that he needs!
I often feel like me, my mum and my little girl are being used as pawns to make my dad feel worse, to extend his punishment, when really I don't think he could feel any more horrendous then what he already does, even over a year Down the line.
I'm facing the music now, and doing good! ready to tackle whatever they throw at me next! I'm stronger then ever, raising an amazing daughter with a loving and strong family around me, might not be how I want it, but it's there! just like many women on this forum, it really has made me realise I can tackle anything!
but I realise I'm not angry at him, I'm angry he did it, but I'm not angry at him I just want to help him. Yet I'm being told that if I want my mum to look after my daughter he has to spend the day by himself? How is that going to help him recover? When I trust my mum to supervise contact and him still have the company and help from us all that he needs!
I often feel like me, my mum and my little girl are being used as pawns to make my dad feel worse, to extend his punishment, when really I don't think he could feel any more horrendous then what he already does, even over a year Down the line.
I'm facing the music now, and doing good! ready to tackle whatever they throw at me next! I'm stronger then ever, raising an amazing daughter with a loving and strong family around me, might not be how I want it, but it's there! just like many women on this forum, it really has made me realise I can tackle anything!
Aww girls I'm so humbled and glad my words help you. Please feel free to add your own words to other family and friends. I figure if one person reads this and it helps them to understand a little more and listen a little more it will be worth it.
Louise49 I would love to send it to the media... I wonder if they would print it? I could bulk it out with some backed up stats. I feel just line you do about the media. I think given the choice I would prefer him to get a short custodial n then we could get on with our lives afterwards... The limbo we are left in n then the next bomb is dropped is horrendous.
Mac123 that's incredibly sad for you with your newborn baby. Why can't social services understand the minimal risk? Supervised contact is enough to manage the minimal risk. I completely agree... How on earth are these men supposed to rehabilitate if society exclude them n banish them forever?! As we say... You can be an ex offender, ex drug user etc etc but you can't be an ex sex offender.. Its a label that is so easily put on and impossible to take off. I hope and prey over time that porn addiction is recognised just as other addictions are like gambling is now.. And society start to understand the desensation that often leads to this crime xxx
Louise49 I would love to send it to the media... I wonder if they would print it? I could bulk it out with some backed up stats. I feel just line you do about the media. I think given the choice I would prefer him to get a short custodial n then we could get on with our lives afterwards... The limbo we are left in n then the next bomb is dropped is horrendous.
Mac123 that's incredibly sad for you with your newborn baby. Why can't social services understand the minimal risk? Supervised contact is enough to manage the minimal risk. I completely agree... How on earth are these men supposed to rehabilitate if society exclude them n banish them forever?! As we say... You can be an ex offender, ex drug user etc etc but you can't be an ex sex offender.. Its a label that is so easily put on and impossible to take off. I hope and prey over time that porn addiction is recognised just as other addictions are like gambling is now.. And society start to understand the desensation that often leads to this crime xxx
This perfectly describes what we all think and feel. I can't imagine my life without my parents in it I am so desperate for their support if they time comes that I decide to have a relationship with my husband. If they couldn't give support to me it would be so hurtful.
We are all going through so much. All we need are our loved ones be exactly that, not our advisers or protectors or predict the future or diagnose something. Just be put loved ones, want us to be happy, take care of us, hug us. Help our children through this ordeal as for many they've lost the presence of a full time parent and now you as a relative or even a grandparent could help to support them. So step up instead of stepping away. And remember yes it is a big deal for you but it's not whee near the pain and hurt of the wife, mother, daughter or sister of the offender. Because when you go home you can probably switch off and enjoy yourself a little before you are reminded of this but for many of us here it is our only thought.
We are all going through so much. All we need are our loved ones be exactly that, not our advisers or protectors or predict the future or diagnose something. Just be put loved ones, want us to be happy, take care of us, hug us. Help our children through this ordeal as for many they've lost the presence of a full time parent and now you as a relative or even a grandparent could help to support them. So step up instead of stepping away. And remember yes it is a big deal for you but it's not whee near the pain and hurt of the wife, mother, daughter or sister of the offender. Because when you go home you can probably switch off and enjoy yourself a little before you are reminded of this but for many of us here it is our only thought.
Before I dash off to work, I wanted to say Saphire you have totally hit the nail on the head about family members turning away. I've never felt so frustrated and deeply betrayed as when my mother in law decided in a drunken selfish way to tell my husbands father without talking to us first! She's made it all about herself without thinking of the consequences!. My husbands partner then has told her grown up children ( my age and older). She panicked thinking it would all come out and be in the papers!!. As it happens he's been RUI. It could take a very long time so their knee jerk reactions without talking to me first and not thinking how I was with all this and actually not finding out if I was ok!caused me incredibly anxiety!. It was my husbands and my business. I'm a grown women and felt everything was out of my control in the early days,yeah my whole world crumbled the day of the knock but I am with my husband and always will be. I have gorgeous children who are also at a crucial time in their lives ( 18 and 16!, says it all really!). I don't think I'll forgive my MIL and I won't forget what she did. I have cut her out of my life and my kids
What a great post! I have experienced some very selfish behaviour following the imprisonment of my husband. Most friends have been supportive and loving. Some of the partners of friends ignore it altogether, so it's the 'elephant in the room', but the worst ones are the few that make it about themselves! I was left, again, to give the bad news, so I had to try to be strong, to be factual, and understand how they may feel. But to then have their hysteria and their concerns about themselves was too much for me to handle. So I ended up in tears and I asked them, how they think I might be feeling? Why do they think I have the answers. It's HIS a story not mine. Usually sobers them up!
Interestingly "the few", are relatives of his that I wouldn't chosen to have in my life had I not been married to him.
I'm learning to follow my gut even more now. This experience, I think, gives us the gift of reading people better, as we are more sensitive, and also the ability to distance ourselves from those people that bring negativity, in order to protect ourselves. At this time we only need loving supportive and non judgmental people around us. That's not to say we don't need people to advise us, or point out what we may be doing wrong, we do, but it needs to be given with love. Love will help us through! xxxxx
Interestingly "the few", are relatives of his that I wouldn't chosen to have in my life had I not been married to him.
I'm learning to follow my gut even more now. This experience, I think, gives us the gift of reading people better, as we are more sensitive, and also the ability to distance ourselves from those people that bring negativity, in order to protect ourselves. At this time we only need loving supportive and non judgmental people around us. That's not to say we don't need people to advise us, or point out what we may be doing wrong, we do, but it needs to be given with love. Love will help us through! xxxxx
Hi Louise 49 and Tabs,
It sounds like you've both experienced further trauma by others reactions as I feel I am. The utter selfishness astounds me. Why would anyone want to cause further pain to someone they love?? We have to manage other people's reactions and they seem to turn to us for support when we are the ones affected the most!
You're right Tabs... We dont have all the answers either.... How do we rationalise mental health and addiction?? For me it's more about how they fell down that rabbit role and what they've done since. Their really is no justification for their behaviour online.... Its about seeing that they are much more than their offence and are rehabilitating and showing remorse for their actions.
I feel like my family rallied around at first thriving on the drama... Now I'm attempting to rebuild my family they don't want to know. My sister called my husband the n word the other day so I can't forgive that!! Xx
It sounds like you've both experienced further trauma by others reactions as I feel I am. The utter selfishness astounds me. Why would anyone want to cause further pain to someone they love?? We have to manage other people's reactions and they seem to turn to us for support when we are the ones affected the most!
You're right Tabs... We dont have all the answers either.... How do we rationalise mental health and addiction?? For me it's more about how they fell down that rabbit role and what they've done since. Their really is no justification for their behaviour online.... Its about seeing that they are much more than their offence and are rehabilitating and showing remorse for their actions.
I feel like my family rallied around at first thriving on the drama... Now I'm attempting to rebuild my family they don't want to know. My sister called my husband the n word the other day so I can't forgive that!! Xx
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Hi Andrea,
You do make a good point about us being betrayed during the offending... However.. My point was about the aftermath... Once they are out of that rabbit hole... When we understand the addiction if that's how it happened, that we are not being gullible in believing that is how it happened.. That porn addiction is a real thing!! Xx
You do make a good point about us being betrayed during the offending... However.. My point was about the aftermath... Once they are out of that rabbit hole... When we understand the addiction if that's how it happened, that we are not being gullible in believing that is how it happened.. That porn addiction is a real thing!! Xx
I'm sorry Andrea but I have to disagree with your stance that partners of offenders are groomed!. I also think it was wrong of the practitioner on the course you attended to also suggest this. I certainly wasn't groomed, manipulated or lied to I simply didn't know . I found out everything on the day of the knock!. My husband told me everything about how he got to where he is now, how he was abused by his own Mum and how he'd been exposed to porn at a very early age. I wasn't groomed or manipulated I simply didn't know. He kept it a very hidden secret and now he is deeply deeply ashamed and remorseful. After the knock he started things to help himself. Straightaway we blocked porn coming into the house on the devices we have ( just phones). He also uses a self help porn app. We've read through a few books reccomended on here ( thank you Lee!) and he's doing the modules. We can't afford counselling, a real shame it's not more readily available. I trust him not to look at porn, he's had the worst trauma ever the day of the knock and he knows what he can still loose as we are relatively new in this journey. I still believe a lot needs to be done to tackle the source of iioc. I don't really read much about the actual creators of child abuse images and them getting caught.Yes you could argue that people are feeding the demand but as we've all come to see porn is a very real addiction that needs tackling at source. Me and my husband have had done a lot of talking and yes arguing about why he would jeopardise all he has. I've started to understand he didn't intend to and he repeatedly says this with such sadness and remorse. The urge and addiction took over him, he said he didn't connect his family or me to what he was doing and in a way he thought he was hidden on the internet
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Apologies if some of my words have appeared controversial... I was referring to when everything is out in the open.... How by us putting our head into understanding if it was born of porn addiction, that we are not being groomed by the offender in terms of giving them an easy way out by believing that they were not responsible for their actions... They still have to take responsibility and show remorse!
Andrea, maybe you were groomed or feel you were by your partner and that is your right. We cannot take responsibility for their actions but I do understand the hurt that is caused by their lies at the time... I do not believe that the majority of these men were not deliberately decieivng us at the time... Their behaviour was deeply shameful as this addiction is something that is certainly not understood in society... Even watching porn is somewhat of a taboo when in reality.. Many men do. Something I was never aware of with my own husband.. Told me he hadn't since he was a teen at the time.. Its all part of the shame I guess.
Maybe you should look at those sexual betrayal modules. Lee1969 do you remember what it's called? Is it Bloom?? Xx
Andrea, maybe you were groomed or feel you were by your partner and that is your right. We cannot take responsibility for their actions but I do understand the hurt that is caused by their lies at the time... I do not believe that the majority of these men were not deliberately decieivng us at the time... Their behaviour was deeply shameful as this addiction is something that is certainly not understood in society... Even watching porn is somewhat of a taboo when in reality.. Many men do. Something I was never aware of with my own husband.. Told me he hadn't since he was a teen at the time.. Its all part of the shame I guess.
Maybe you should look at those sexual betrayal modules. Lee1969 do you remember what it's called? Is it Bloom?? Xx
The way see it is THEY have to accept responsibility
Accept that family life will not be the same (For eg, I don't want family meals etc with my brother he has lost that right due to his actions)
They need to rebuild their own life, and accept people will never look at them the same way again....
Accept that family life will not be the same (For eg, I don't want family meals etc with my brother he has lost that right due to his actions)
They need to rebuild their own life, and accept people will never look at them the same way again....