Family and Friends Forum

IamBroken

Member since
March 2021

17 posts

Posted Mon April 19, 2021 10:53pmReport post

Apologies, as I'm a few drinks down..but I need to speak to those who understand..

sentencing for my brother is this week and I really don't know what to expect. I'm trying to prepare him and our family for the worst and hope for the best.

I feel I like My head is about to explode, I cannot condone what he has done, but he has given up.. I don't know if he will go through with sentencing, or end his life... I'm trying to be supportive for him and my wife and son are trying to support me, but I've lost him.. he is gone forever... the feeling of guilt for how my life has turned out so well and how he has ended up here, are tearing me apart. This is not a plea for help, this is a truly an emptying of my feelings... If they only realised the damage they were inflicting to themselves, family and friends...would the realisation stop them?

Why can't intervention happen before it gets to this stage? Why, if the police are monitoring these activities, not bring it to conclusion sooner and help them out of this darkness, before they destroy their lives and impact those around them??

Yes, I'm angry at my brother, angry at myself, For not seeing his issues sooner.

If he wasn't my brother would I have the same reactions, probably not, it's only when it affects you that suddenly things matter.. I'm praying he doesn't do anything stupid, that the courts see his remorse, his progress from councilling and that this isn't his normal behaviour, somehow he can salvage some of his life...

what an absolute mess. There are a lot of strong women on here, dealing with a lot more stuff than I, so I apologise to you also for my post, but I need to get this out and this is the only place for me to be honest...

Tabs

Member since
November 2019

501 posts

Posted Tue April 20, 2021 8:03amReport post

IamBroken, I hear your pain. I recognise it, having been in your situation. You are doing all that you can. You are supporting your brother, you are helping him prepare for the worst sentence, I hope that doesn't happen, maybe he will get a compassionate Judge who will recognise all the work he has done, and the good support of his family.
I think I remember you saying he has a therapist? He/she should be working with your brother now to help him get through these worrying days. I know my husband spoke to his a lot leading up to sentencing.
I am a few weeks in now to husband being sent to prison. As people said to me at the time of sentencing, which I found hard to believe, things have settled down, I'm still trying to sort out some practical things, but otherwise he is accepting of his punishment, as am I, and in a strange way, it is better than the unknown limbo stage...I was in fear then too!

I was very worried about how he'd cope, not being a blokey bloke, but he has adapted, he has had to. He says his eyes have been opened to the poor lives others live, so maybe this experience will help enrich his life? He may learn more about himself and his skills? He, unbeknown to me, amongst other things suffers from low self esteem, very deep rooted, stemming from childhood. You would not know this, as he appeared confident, witty, sure of himself. Maybe he will learn more about people, understand them more? Learn about vulnerability?
Your brother is fortunate to have you. Your love for him shines through your posts. I have learnt that we cannot blame ourselves for not seeing what was happening. This activity is so shameful, so secret. That is the nature of this addiction.
You, the same as the rest of us, can't help someone who was not telling you that they needed it. Rock bottom seems the only way that they acknowledge it even to themselves.
All we can do is look forward. Hopefully there will be a good outcome and you can then help him move on with a healthier life. BUT, it is his responsibility and not yours!! Of course you can help him, but you can't carry his burden as it will adversely affect your life and won't help him fully heal and be healthy. You need to look after yourself and your family first.
Take care. X

IamBroken

Member since
March 2021

17 posts

Posted Tue April 20, 2021 9:23amReport post

@Tabs

Thanks for your reply and sharing your own experience. There is so much to do in preparation for what the outcome maybe.

Sell his house, car, cancel Direct debits, inform his employer. Then what to do with his belongings..... plan for what future he may have.....

I know he has offended, but the severity of the punishment is losing everything and everyone, seems so final. Other offenders and addicts get the chance to rebuild their lives.. but this type of offence, is a death nail.. we have spent hours talking through everything and it's now clear how my brothers mental health has been so poor and his unhappiness has been depression. How he tried to hide this and how the impact of being locked down has exacerbated his condition.

I honestly don't know how to move forward with this.



I'm praying for compassion from the judge but really don't know what to expect. He has written a personal statement and you can see from this how sorry he is for his actions. I know the councilling and 12steps has helped and continue to push him in the right direction, but I can't see how he will get the same support in prison. Thanks for your words and I will post the outcome x

Tabs

Member since
November 2019

501 posts

Posted Tue April 20, 2021 10:33amReport post

Some practical help. My husband wrote forward dated emails etc to people. He arranged removal van for week after court, had a storage space ready and left permission and his lock code. I checked with removal co, they said everything went ok. So I know his possessions are safe. I would suggest a Power of attorney for you to deal with house and car if needs be. I wish husband had got rid of his car just in case, as I'm still trying to sort that out!

I have listed addresses of all utilities for him to write to from prison.

We jointly own my home, and I k ow I can get him to sign papers in prison, but takes an age. So I have asked for a POA now.

the more you can both do, Just in case, the better for both of you, as you will have more than enough to deal with in those early days.



take care and be gentle with yourself.

Tabs

Member since
November 2019

501 posts

Posted Tue April 20, 2021 10:41amReport post

Praying for a non custodial outcome for him. Nothing is achieved by locking these men up. They are not a danger to society. If they were, why weren't they locked up on arrest?!! If my husband had, he'd be out of prison now! Makes no sense. Sadly our justice system is broken and underfunded.

IamBroken

Member since
March 2021

17 posts

Posted Tue April 20, 2021 9:56pmReport post

Thanks Tabs, fingers are crossed that he doesn't get custodial..

Maij

Member since
December 2020

286 posts

Posted Tue April 20, 2021 11:55pmReport post

Post deleted by user


Edited Tue August 17, 2021 1:56am

IamBroken

Member since
March 2021

17 posts

Posted Wed April 21, 2021 6:49amReport post

Hi Maij

Really appreciate your kind words.

Sentencing is today, I can't begin to tell you how nauseous I feel at the thought of what the outcome will be.

I thought the past several months were tough, but realise they were only the prelude to what is coming. I still can't comprehend how it has come to this and how destructive, regardless of outcome, will be on all our lives.

I have passed on everyone's comments, hopefully he will find some comfort from everyone's kind and supportive words.

Thanks to everyone, you have been a source of strength for me. Whatever the outcome today, I will remain part of this forum, hopefully able to Contribute to others whom may find themselves In my position, although I wouldn't wish that upon my worst enemies...

X

Maij

Member since
December 2020

286 posts

Posted Wed April 21, 2021 7:30amReport post

Post deleted by user


Edited Tue August 17, 2021 1:56am

Maij

Member since
December 2020

286 posts

Posted Wed April 21, 2021 7:31amReport post

Sorry i double posted that in error

IamBroken

Member since
March 2021

17 posts

Posted Wed April 21, 2021 8:33amReport post

Thank Maij

He needs the support today x

Sarah ??

Member since
January 2021

177 posts

Posted Wed April 21, 2021 9:08amReport post

It's not until you are thrown into this awful situation that you realise it's not as black and white as the papers report - and that is where most people's perceptions of the crime come from. Including mine until last year!

There is a link missing for this form of offending. Rehabilitation for other addictions are promoted and encouraged but whilst this subject remains a taboo there will be no or very slow progress in addressing offending behaviour/addictions. The current situation for managing this area of offending is too reactionary. There needs to be more prevention.

I hope your brother is treated fairly and I am thinking of you all today.

xXx

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

469 posts

Posted Wed April 21, 2021 9:27amReport post

Iambroken, I hope it goes ok for you all today. I really feel for you I really do. I can really relate to your comment about why these crimes can't be picked up and dealt with straightaway?!. It's almost like the police want to wait and watch these men and let them carry on getting deeper and deeper into it all so they can build up more of a case against them!!. In my mind it would be a benefit all round to intervene as soon as they see for example someone's IP address is showing illegal activity. It would stop ( hopefully) the men going so far down a rabbit hole and get them therapy. It would also stop the huge amount of work revolved around convicting them. The costs must be high involved in digital forensics and the sheer volume of these crimes is a huge strain on police resources. So surely prevention and rehabilitation and therapy makes absolute sense!. Instead we are faced with the unknown, the threat of social media, the threat of loosing everything and the threat of friends and family ostracising us!. I also feel in such a strange place right now. We are only 4 months in. My husband is RUI, our life to an extent is carrying on like before it happened. We are together, we are both at work and life is going on and actually we are getting on well.I almost wish my husband could just go for a voluntary interview now! Tell them exactly what's on his laptop ( iioc) and tell them everything and how he got here. It would save all this horrible limbo! And the uncertainty that our families lives could be ruined!. I secretly wish too if he told them everything they might understand the porn addiction?!. I have a panic he won't get that chance

Tabs

Member since
November 2019

501 posts

Posted Wed April 21, 2021 9:57amReport post

Thinking of you, your brother and family today. X

Becky1234

Member since
March 2021

208 posts

Posted Wed April 21, 2021 12:41pmReport post

Iambroken

My thoughts are with you and your family today .

I just wanted to say I have read your first post on this thread and thought what a lovely sister you are. I so wish my son had an older sis/brother to support him . My other son is 20 and has washed his hands the son who has done this is 21, so as a mother I really wish you the best outcome today. My son is due in court in July, I just wish they knew the outcomes of there actions towards us. My heart is with you sending strength your way x

IamBroken

Member since
March 2021

17 posts

Posted Thu April 22, 2021 10:38amReport post

Apologies to all, was exhausted yesterday after the court case, very stressful and emotional.

Unlike others on here my brother has been very fortunate in his sentencing, he received a 2year Supervision and conduct order with 2years on the sex offenders register.

All offences were Cat C and borderline legal, however, still all inappropriate and distressing.

He had prepared a personal statement, had reports from SAA, stop it now, independent Councillor and social services all stating that he recognised his mistake and was progressing well in his rehabilitation.

There needs to be so much more done to highlight this problem in the mainstream media to stop people picking this addition up in the 1st place.

I can't thank you all enough for your support over the past few months, it has been a source of strength and insight. I will certainly remain part of the forum to share my own experiences, hopefully to help anyone else who has to suffer this unbelievable position.

Now begins the rebuilding of my brother and family, as much as I love and have supported him, I can't forgive what he has put us all through.

For me, I'm using the Stop it now family councilling service to help me back on my own journey. Last night was the 1st night I have woke up in the middle of the night with a bout of panic attacks, hope this is the start of me getting my life back to some normality.

thanks to all, especially Tabs, for your supportive words, you have all been fantastic in helping me cope with this. Hope I can return the favour for someone.

x

Tabs

Member since
November 2019

501 posts

Posted Thu April 22, 2021 10:25pmReport post

I am so happy for the outcome. I hope your brother can continue with his recovery, and that you can now move forward with your family. Great to have good news! x

Maij

Member since
December 2020

286 posts

Posted Thu April 22, 2021 11:30pmReport post

Post deleted by user


Edited Fri April 23, 2021 6:56am

Maij

Member since
December 2020

286 posts

Posted Fri April 23, 2021 6:57amReport post

Post deleted by user


Edited Tue August 17, 2021 1:56am