Where to start
Notifications OFF
Hi All,
So I’m new here but have been reading the forums for the past couple of weeks. From what I can see there aren’t any situations like mine on here so I wanted to share our story and try get some view points.
I’m a guy and have been with my husband for the last 6 years- married nearly 3. We have previously had an open relationship as that is just what worked for us.
The knock came on the 22nd December and my whole world/life/outlook changed in an instant. I have always been quite a strong and put together person but have found the past 7 weeks to be the biggest strain on my mental health ever.
So what did he do, he had a conversation online with another adult about meeting up to have sex with a minor. The other person sent him images and when he saw them he knew it was wrong and deleted the app and conversations but did nothing about them with the police. This all happened over a 4 day period and he has told me he hasn’t had these type of conversations previously and I am inclined to believe him.
So he was arrested and taken to the police station and held for 24 hours. He has admitted everything to them and been fully cooperative with them. He is on bail with all the usual conditions I have read so much about on this forum and his bail has already been extended until mid March.
When initially talking to him he broke down and told me about childhood abuse that no one ever knew about and that he still hasn’t dealt with a long term medical condition diagnosis and his dad passing away 2 years ago. He has said that he never had any intention to meet and that he doesn’t know why he got into this conversation but that he is sorry for the hell he has brought to our door.
He is on the sick at the moment and was at one point a suicide risk but we have sought help and he is on anti depressants, having counselling and speaking to the amazing team at stop it now who I have to say have been amazing.
He will likely loose his job as most seem to with this type of offence and we are planning tsonthat we can run the house on just my salary- it will be a massive change of lifestyle but we can do it I think.....no more shopping sprees for me!
i have told 2 friends who have been exceptionally supportive more so of me than him but not judging him for what he has done either. My parents are struggling to deal with it and his family have been really supportive- I was never close to them previous where as now me and his sister have been talking daily.
all his devices are with police and they have said he can have work phone back as nothing on there but still waiting on the others.
So that’s me and him- I am sticking with him as I am trying to deal with this and taking what he has told me at face value as I have no reason to believe otherwise at the moment. On top of his issue I am dealing with terminally ill grand parents andnone grand parent passing away.
So mainly my worries are- will he affect my job? I work as a senior manager for a finance firm and I’m worried his issues wil come up on my Disclosure if and when I go for promotion. Luckily I have an amazing boss but I really can’t face telling him all of this at the moment as don’t want to be judged.
My other worry is when this all comes out- we live in a small town and unfortunately my husband is very well know due to charity work and sport that he does- how do we ever begin to deal with what’s to come?
And the final worry is telling people- our friends and family that don’t know how do you tell someone who has children what he has done?
Sorry for long post but typing this has helped get the shakes and the guy churning feeling I have had for last 2 days to cease.
So I’m new here but have been reading the forums for the past couple of weeks. From what I can see there aren’t any situations like mine on here so I wanted to share our story and try get some view points.
I’m a guy and have been with my husband for the last 6 years- married nearly 3. We have previously had an open relationship as that is just what worked for us.
The knock came on the 22nd December and my whole world/life/outlook changed in an instant. I have always been quite a strong and put together person but have found the past 7 weeks to be the biggest strain on my mental health ever.
So what did he do, he had a conversation online with another adult about meeting up to have sex with a minor. The other person sent him images and when he saw them he knew it was wrong and deleted the app and conversations but did nothing about them with the police. This all happened over a 4 day period and he has told me he hasn’t had these type of conversations previously and I am inclined to believe him.
So he was arrested and taken to the police station and held for 24 hours. He has admitted everything to them and been fully cooperative with them. He is on bail with all the usual conditions I have read so much about on this forum and his bail has already been extended until mid March.
When initially talking to him he broke down and told me about childhood abuse that no one ever knew about and that he still hasn’t dealt with a long term medical condition diagnosis and his dad passing away 2 years ago. He has said that he never had any intention to meet and that he doesn’t know why he got into this conversation but that he is sorry for the hell he has brought to our door.
He is on the sick at the moment and was at one point a suicide risk but we have sought help and he is on anti depressants, having counselling and speaking to the amazing team at stop it now who I have to say have been amazing.
He will likely loose his job as most seem to with this type of offence and we are planning tsonthat we can run the house on just my salary- it will be a massive change of lifestyle but we can do it I think.....no more shopping sprees for me!
i have told 2 friends who have been exceptionally supportive more so of me than him but not judging him for what he has done either. My parents are struggling to deal with it and his family have been really supportive- I was never close to them previous where as now me and his sister have been talking daily.
all his devices are with police and they have said he can have work phone back as nothing on there but still waiting on the others.
So that’s me and him- I am sticking with him as I am trying to deal with this and taking what he has told me at face value as I have no reason to believe otherwise at the moment. On top of his issue I am dealing with terminally ill grand parents andnone grand parent passing away.
So mainly my worries are- will he affect my job? I work as a senior manager for a finance firm and I’m worried his issues wil come up on my Disclosure if and when I go for promotion. Luckily I have an amazing boss but I really can’t face telling him all of this at the moment as don’t want to be judged.
My other worry is when this all comes out- we live in a small town and unfortunately my husband is very well know due to charity work and sport that he does- how do we ever begin to deal with what’s to come?
And the final worry is telling people- our friends and family that don’t know how do you tell someone who has children what he has done?
Sorry for long post but typing this has helped get the shakes and the guy churning feeling I have had for last 2 days to cease.
While a lot of our situations are all different i think there are so many similarities in what we are all going through. I hope that you find the forum as helpful as most of us do. Its difficult to get your head round the how and whys, and certainly for me the first few months were truely awful. There are many reasons why people end up being arrested for online sexual offences it is far from black and white. I think the important thing is communication and finding your own path as a couple to deal with it. The police investigation will be a long process and there will be ups and downs, so mske sure you look after yourself (see gp, have councelling, cbt etc whatever works for you). I think it will be unlikely to effect your job with the exception of maybe damage to your reputation, but dont panic that may never happen. Not all stories go in the paper, crown courts have loads of cases every day which often much more interesting stories then any of ours. So fingers crossed if charged we can all be the lucky ones who dont end up in the paper. I fear what people we dont know well will think, worried about being harrased etc when i have commited no crime but again these are worst case senarios so try not to panic. Telling people you know is hard, ive told quite a lot of people and so far all have been supportive and no one hates my partner, one stupid conversation is one too many but it doesnt necessarity make my partner or yours a monster. Only uyou know who you can trust and who you cant. Best only to tell those who need to know, although i know our situation is known by more people than just those who need to know. If you are feeling shaky etc, its worth seeing your gp they can help.
Hello TTKIT,
i hope you don’t mind me calling you that. Welcome. Whilst your story may be different the issues are the same for all of us. Our worlds crumbled when ‘the knock’ came. The shock is awful but you will survive!
Dont try to deal with all the problems, real or fantasy that you may encounter. It’s too big. Deal with things a step a time otherwise it will overwhelm you.
I wouldnt think a job in finance would be affected by this but I would think about telling your boss. It’s your call but if I know bosses they don’t like surprises. If it should get out they do like to be prepared.
As far as press is concerned you just never know how they’ll play it. My husbands court case wasn’t reported on at all, and he worked with children. Probably because the case was withdrawn after the CPS offered no evidence. But his professional hearing was reported very one sided. Just hope for the best and prepare for the possibility of the worst at another time. For now you have enough to deal with.
Best wishes to you both x Jaded.
i hope you don’t mind me calling you that. Welcome. Whilst your story may be different the issues are the same for all of us. Our worlds crumbled when ‘the knock’ came. The shock is awful but you will survive!
Dont try to deal with all the problems, real or fantasy that you may encounter. It’s too big. Deal with things a step a time otherwise it will overwhelm you.
I wouldnt think a job in finance would be affected by this but I would think about telling your boss. It’s your call but if I know bosses they don’t like surprises. If it should get out they do like to be prepared.
As far as press is concerned you just never know how they’ll play it. My husbands court case wasn’t reported on at all, and he worked with children. Probably because the case was withdrawn after the CPS offered no evidence. But his professional hearing was reported very one sided. Just hope for the best and prepare for the possibility of the worst at another time. For now you have enough to deal with.
Best wishes to you both x Jaded.
Thanks both,
This morning felt very different to how this afternoon has felt- I don’t think I’ve ever had so many emotions in such a short space of time.
Husband has had a bad day today and felt quite down- so had to tackle that today which took mind off my own thoughts.
Luckily we have a holiday in the next 2 days to try and take a break and regroup
This morning felt very different to how this afternoon has felt- I don’t think I’ve ever had so many emotions in such a short space of time.
Husband has had a bad day today and felt quite down- so had to tackle that today which took mind off my own thoughts.
Luckily we have a holiday in the next 2 days to try and take a break and regroup
Just to say welcome, it’s really good you felt able to post. We must have had the knock at a similar time. Mine was 20th December just before Christmas, it floored me completely and I am full of mixed emotions as I loved and still love my husband but he is like a sad little boy I just can’t imagine getting back with him. But I do still care.
What appears so positive in your case is you both have had an open and honest conversation. That must have taken a lot of courage on his part. And yours too.
i have broken up with my ex. He needs to engage in a lot of therapy and isn’t there. You sound like a very supportive person I hope your Partner appreciates this. In the early weeks I was extremely concerned about suicide risk but he has daughter some help. I hope your partner has got a good support too and it doesn’t all fall to you to put him back together. It’s his journey, though for sure he will be so greatful thatbyour standinf by him and can see the offending doesn’t make him a bad person.
i am also fearful of the press but think there are lots of people who have navigated this and can help us at the time. It’s just so much waiting and that can play on your mind. It certainly does mine.
everyobe has offered good advice. Don’t forget self care and taking time for yourself it’s so easy to fall into the care giving role when actually you have had a serious trauma.
So so sending you lots of love. I did smile when you mentioned your spending sprees I have to think every time I go to by things that I am on a single wage now. Xx
What appears so positive in your case is you both have had an open and honest conversation. That must have taken a lot of courage on his part. And yours too.
i have broken up with my ex. He needs to engage in a lot of therapy and isn’t there. You sound like a very supportive person I hope your Partner appreciates this. In the early weeks I was extremely concerned about suicide risk but he has daughter some help. I hope your partner has got a good support too and it doesn’t all fall to you to put him back together. It’s his journey, though for sure he will be so greatful thatbyour standinf by him and can see the offending doesn’t make him a bad person.
i am also fearful of the press but think there are lots of people who have navigated this and can help us at the time. It’s just so much waiting and that can play on your mind. It certainly does mine.
everyobe has offered good advice. Don’t forget self care and taking time for yourself it’s so easy to fall into the care giving role when actually you have had a serious trauma.
So so sending you lots of love. I did smile when you mentioned your spending sprees I have to think every time I go to by things that I am on a single wage now. Xx
Saught some help I mean for his suicidal feelings. Not daughter. I am struggling with predictive text.
Post deleted by user
Thanks poster and Bethlou,
Just having a forum to bounce things out to is a great help.
Just having a forum to bounce things out to is a great help.
Hi TTKIT
my story sounds very similar to yours, my husband is currently under investigation for facilitating to arrange sexual abuse to a minor (something along those lines, the wording often confuses me!) but it sounds the same as yours, he basically chatted to another person about sexual abusing a child, in his defence he said he didn’t actually believe the child existed and it was just a way of getting to talk to somebody online whilst masturbating, something he obviously knows is morally wrong but because he didn’t look or download any images etc he felt wasn’t illegal, we’re hoping and preying this will therefore not come to a conviction as he’s promised me there is no evidence to suggest he met anybody or looked at images, in the meantime we have to try and live a normal life, nobody knows except 3 very close friends and although we are having to live apart because of ss my daughter is only 13 and he only has supervised access (that being me) I’m scared it’s all going to blow up in our faces at some point! We’re 4 months since the knock and having spoken to the leading police officer in the investigation were still no closer to an end as none of the devices have yet been looked at! I come on here every now and then to see how people are coping and because it’s the only place where people understand what we’re goung through, stay strong, share your feelings and we’re all here for you, I’ve found it a great source of comfort xxxx
my story sounds very similar to yours, my husband is currently under investigation for facilitating to arrange sexual abuse to a minor (something along those lines, the wording often confuses me!) but it sounds the same as yours, he basically chatted to another person about sexual abusing a child, in his defence he said he didn’t actually believe the child existed and it was just a way of getting to talk to somebody online whilst masturbating, something he obviously knows is morally wrong but because he didn’t look or download any images etc he felt wasn’t illegal, we’re hoping and preying this will therefore not come to a conviction as he’s promised me there is no evidence to suggest he met anybody or looked at images, in the meantime we have to try and live a normal life, nobody knows except 3 very close friends and although we are having to live apart because of ss my daughter is only 13 and he only has supervised access (that being me) I’m scared it’s all going to blow up in our faces at some point! We’re 4 months since the knock and having spoken to the leading police officer in the investigation were still no closer to an end as none of the devices have yet been looked at! I come on here every now and then to see how people are coping and because it’s the only place where people understand what we’re goung through, stay strong, share your feelings and we’re all here for you, I’ve found it a great source of comfort xxxx
JB72,
Your situation sounds exactly the same as mine. My husband went along with it until the other guy sent him pictures-once he saw something really that wasn’t just chatting it made him feel repulsed.
I know this sounds weird and I know the time is a killer but I’d be greatful for a long delay in some ways as it means I can get him the help he needs via counselling etc so that he and I are more prepared to deal with the reality of the court when it hits.
I wish I had optimism for it coming to nothing but I am work on worst case and if he gets a caution etc I’ll be the happiest person in the world. But realistically I dont think I’ll be so lucky as the evidence is there in the conversation he had.
Your situation sounds exactly the same as mine. My husband went along with it until the other guy sent him pictures-once he saw something really that wasn’t just chatting it made him feel repulsed.
I know this sounds weird and I know the time is a killer but I’d be greatful for a long delay in some ways as it means I can get him the help he needs via counselling etc so that he and I are more prepared to deal with the reality of the court when it hits.
I wish I had optimism for it coming to nothing but I am work on worst case and if he gets a caution etc I’ll be the happiest person in the world. But realistically I dont think I’ll be so lucky as the evidence is there in the conversation he had.
I know what you mean about wanting To delay, I feel I can bury my head in the sand and almost carry on as normal! I’m just delaying what I hope isn’t gonna be another knock in the teeth! When you say the evidence was there in the conversation, what evidence do you mean? My husbands solicitor told him he hadn’t done anything wrong and unless they can find evidence of him meeting or downloading images then there is no case to answer, I’m hoping this is the case but then hearing stories about having to prove his own innocence rather than them proving him guilty has really scared me. Our biggest fear is people finding out, we live in a very small area and both grew up here so know everybody! We would have to move away from everyone and everything we know, scary times x
JB72,
I know exactly what you mean about trying to keep going but bracing for the next kick in the teeth.
With regards to evidence my husband was told by his solicitor that the conversation he had was enough to be charged as having that form of conversation and planning to meet(weather he intended too or not) a minor for sex is illegal. The other guy sent my husband images and my husband clicked the links- this in itself can be an offence as stop it now explained to me that just because he didn’t send it or ask for it what did he expect those links to be when he was having that form of conversation. I haven’t seen the transcript for the chat and I’m not really sure I want to and our solicitor hasn’t done much yet as she says there no point in spending money at this point when we don’t know exactly what he is going to be charged with or if he’s going to be charged.
We have had similar conversations about moving etc as I work all over the country so maybe moving close to my work if it all blows up but that’s a remote back up plan as again I’m working on hope for the best and plan for the worst.
Have any of your husbands devices been checked yet? We’ve been told that my husbands work phone is ready for him to collect but we can never get hold of the investigating officer to sort.
I know exactly what you mean about trying to keep going but bracing for the next kick in the teeth.
With regards to evidence my husband was told by his solicitor that the conversation he had was enough to be charged as having that form of conversation and planning to meet(weather he intended too or not) a minor for sex is illegal. The other guy sent my husband images and my husband clicked the links- this in itself can be an offence as stop it now explained to me that just because he didn’t send it or ask for it what did he expect those links to be when he was having that form of conversation. I haven’t seen the transcript for the chat and I’m not really sure I want to and our solicitor hasn’t done much yet as she says there no point in spending money at this point when we don’t know exactly what he is going to be charged with or if he’s going to be charged.
We have had similar conversations about moving etc as I work all over the country so maybe moving close to my work if it all blows up but that’s a remote back up plan as again I’m working on hope for the best and plan for the worst.
Have any of your husbands devices been checked yet? We’ve been told that my husbands work phone is ready for him to collect but we can never get hold of the investigating officer to sort.
TTKIT
our knock came on the 12th of October, I spoke to the leading investigator last week and she said she still hasn’t heard anything about our devices, they have a phone, an iPad and a laptop, I was originally told the phone and iPad go into a different queue which is a minimum of 3 months but the laptop could take up to 9! As it’s been 4 months I thought she might’ve heard about the iPad and phone at least but she said she will look at them all together, he’s convinced he won’t be in trouble as there’s no proof of meetings or images but now you’ve said that about the actual conversations it worries me, he’s admitted there are conversations but in his head it was all fantasy, we’ve decided if he’s called in for questioning again we are going to get a solicitor who specialises in this area. I’ve looked at peoples experiences and what sentances and punishments they were given over downloaded images and always thought that was far worse than what my husband did but now I’m not so sure, he’s just started a new job, a really good one, we’re living apart because my daughter is 13 and we’re under SS, I’m so worried that he will lose his job even though he doesn’t work with children and he won’t be able to afford his flat, how would we manage? This is why I’m currently pretending it’s not happening! Nobody knows we live apart we’ve hidden it well, if it all comes out I really don’t know what we would do :(
our knock came on the 12th of October, I spoke to the leading investigator last week and she said she still hasn’t heard anything about our devices, they have a phone, an iPad and a laptop, I was originally told the phone and iPad go into a different queue which is a minimum of 3 months but the laptop could take up to 9! As it’s been 4 months I thought she might’ve heard about the iPad and phone at least but she said she will look at them all together, he’s convinced he won’t be in trouble as there’s no proof of meetings or images but now you’ve said that about the actual conversations it worries me, he’s admitted there are conversations but in his head it was all fantasy, we’ve decided if he’s called in for questioning again we are going to get a solicitor who specialises in this area. I’ve looked at peoples experiences and what sentances and punishments they were given over downloaded images and always thought that was far worse than what my husband did but now I’m not so sure, he’s just started a new job, a really good one, we’re living apart because my daughter is 13 and we’re under SS, I’m so worried that he will lose his job even though he doesn’t work with children and he won’t be able to afford his flat, how would we manage? This is why I’m currently pretending it’s not happening! Nobody knows we live apart we’ve hidden it well, if it all comes out I really don’t know what we would do :(
JB72,
Every case is different and there are complexities to them all that are individual.
I didn’t mean to worry you by comparing what our solicitor has said vs yours as each case again is different.
You have a whole other level of stress that I don’t have with regards to having children and having to live apart etc which will be a burden in itself let alone attempting to navigate your way through this whole thing. Make sure you make time for each other as trying to rebuild trust and your relationship is going to be key to you guys getting through all of this as a family unit as you seem to have made your initial decision to support your husband.
I agree that I have read things on here and think wow what my other half has done doesn’t scratch the surface of what some others have done but the fact is that they have still had those thoughts and conversations weather it is fantasy and online or not. I wouldn’t have ever thought mine would even consider those conversations but he has and we just need to try deal with things and the mental and real consequences of them.
We have always(I say always like we are Far into this process) worked that husband will loose his job and have a plan in place to manage financially and by doing that it’s helped me focus a lot of my energy to stop me worrying about a lot of things I can’t control.
Take it step by step and focus on what you can do and not things you can’t control. With regards to people you’ll be surprised what support and reaction you’ll get I have only told 2 very close friends but both of our immediate families know and they all have said “what the hell was he doing, that’s not him normally” and all know the detail and are trying to help as best they can. Again I understand that this would be different if we had kids etc.
Keep posting your thoughts and worries as I find typing them out helps me rationalise them.
Every case is different and there are complexities to them all that are individual.
I didn’t mean to worry you by comparing what our solicitor has said vs yours as each case again is different.
You have a whole other level of stress that I don’t have with regards to having children and having to live apart etc which will be a burden in itself let alone attempting to navigate your way through this whole thing. Make sure you make time for each other as trying to rebuild trust and your relationship is going to be key to you guys getting through all of this as a family unit as you seem to have made your initial decision to support your husband.
I agree that I have read things on here and think wow what my other half has done doesn’t scratch the surface of what some others have done but the fact is that they have still had those thoughts and conversations weather it is fantasy and online or not. I wouldn’t have ever thought mine would even consider those conversations but he has and we just need to try deal with things and the mental and real consequences of them.
We have always(I say always like we are Far into this process) worked that husband will loose his job and have a plan in place to manage financially and by doing that it’s helped me focus a lot of my energy to stop me worrying about a lot of things I can’t control.
Take it step by step and focus on what you can do and not things you can’t control. With regards to people you’ll be surprised what support and reaction you’ll get I have only told 2 very close friends but both of our immediate families know and they all have said “what the hell was he doing, that’s not him normally” and all know the detail and are trying to help as best they can. Again I understand that this would be different if we had kids etc.
Keep posting your thoughts and worries as I find typing them out helps me rationalise them.
DearTTKIT
thanks so much for your reply and very kind words, in some ways it does help when you know somebody else is in a similar situation although I obviously wouldn’t wish this on anybody ever!
you don’t have to apologise for worrying me this is the life we’re in now as you will know, the worrying is there all the time, some days are better than others!
we are also going away soon on holiday (with certain room restrictions from SS) but we are looking forward to trying to be a normal family and have time together, I will be checking in on here though
i totally get your plan to stay focussed with regard to your husbands job, our social worker wants to do some work with us to have a plan ready for if and when there is a charge, I haven’t a clue where to start with that one I just keep thinking we will run away! But obviously that’s not practical!
Thanks again, the support on here is amazing x
thanks so much for your reply and very kind words, in some ways it does help when you know somebody else is in a similar situation although I obviously wouldn’t wish this on anybody ever!
you don’t have to apologise for worrying me this is the life we’re in now as you will know, the worrying is there all the time, some days are better than others!
we are also going away soon on holiday (with certain room restrictions from SS) but we are looking forward to trying to be a normal family and have time together, I will be checking in on here though
i totally get your plan to stay focussed with regard to your husbands job, our social worker wants to do some work with us to have a plan ready for if and when there is a charge, I haven’t a clue where to start with that one I just keep thinking we will run away! But obviously that’s not practical!
Thanks again, the support on here is amazing x
JB72,
A holiday will do you the world of good I bet! I am packing the suitcase now and can’t wait to be away from this country and try to have 2 and a half weeksno stress etc.
I think engagaing with SS early and having a plan for what might come is a great idea and will hopefully put some worry to rest for you as it’s one thing ticked off as best it can be. That’s all I keep doing at the moment is ticking one thing off the list at a time and it’s workint for me.
i’ll check in when away and keep in touch :-)
A holiday will do you the world of good I bet! I am packing the suitcase now and can’t wait to be away from this country and try to have 2 and a half weeksno stress etc.
I think engagaing with SS early and having a plan for what might come is a great idea and will hopefully put some worry to rest for you as it’s one thing ticked off as best it can be. That’s all I keep doing at the moment is ticking one thing off the list at a time and it’s workint for me.
i’ll check in when away and keep in touch :-)