Is it a crime or is it a mental illness?
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My husband was sentenced 18 months ago for viewing indecent images. He didn't go to prison, but has had to move away because I couldn't bear to live with him when I found out what he had been doing. I made the decision to separate and am slowly trying to rebuild my life. In most ways, I'm gradually coming to terms with what was a completely shocking betrayal.
However, there is a problem that I keep coming back to: I just can't get my head around why he did what he did. He keeps saying he's sorry and that he did it because it was an addiction that he couldn't control. He has insisted several times that he isn't sexually attracted to children and really wants me to believe him. But if he didn't find the images attractive, why did he want to come back to them? Didn't he know that this was wrong?
I've been seeing a therapist to try to come to terms with so many of my contradictory emotions and feelings, and she has explained that the nature of addiction is such that people have to get anything to get their 'fix' and they don't really care what it is. They don't think about right and wrong as the addiction is so powerful. She thinks his behaviour wasn't about sex but about desperately trying to feed an addiction. If that's true, was I then too hard chucking him out? Help! I'm in a muddle and would really like some thoughts from women who have gone through something similar.
However, there is a problem that I keep coming back to: I just can't get my head around why he did what he did. He keeps saying he's sorry and that he did it because it was an addiction that he couldn't control. He has insisted several times that he isn't sexually attracted to children and really wants me to believe him. But if he didn't find the images attractive, why did he want to come back to them? Didn't he know that this was wrong?
I've been seeing a therapist to try to come to terms with so many of my contradictory emotions and feelings, and she has explained that the nature of addiction is such that people have to get anything to get their 'fix' and they don't really care what it is. They don't think about right and wrong as the addiction is so powerful. She thinks his behaviour wasn't about sex but about desperately trying to feed an addiction. If that's true, was I then too hard chucking him out? Help! I'm in a muddle and would really like some thoughts from women who have gone through something similar.
Hi Esther, this is a very hard one and I think we have to make huge decisions without that support or information. I too asked my husband to leave on the night of the offence. But I didn't have a choice because Social Services, who were absolutely diabolical (as well as the police) threatened that, if he stayed, my children could be taken away. I don't know if this was true or based in any facts, or just a threat. But my heart and gut said I didn't trust him anymore whatever he had done. I'm not sure about the 'non-sex' thing. I met my husband when I was 16 and he was 26. Whilst we stayed married until I was 36 and him 46, so i was no longer a 16 year old to him, I do believe he was 'attracted' to that age group. I have too say I have no basis for that thought and he NEVER gave me any indication that he was doing this, that he didn't fancy or love me or that he was attracted to younger women, but I have a feeling he was. Is it a mental illness? Yes, I think he was mentally ill and it fuelled his need to do this. But was he attracted to the images - yes I think maybe he was. But i am as confused and upset by all of this as you are. I have been alone now for 8 years and the idea of sex or being with a man again is just impossible for me. I was only 36 when this happened, but I cannot trust men, I cannot allow anyone into my family and I can't get over the thoughts that ping into my mind if and when I am trying to think about a relationship. The impact is unbelievable and so under-acknowledged.
Thank you for this - it's so helpful to know that I am not the only one battling to understand this. I think you and I had similar responses (and similar gut reactions), although Social Services weren't involved in my case. Very best wishes for the future. I hope you are able at some point to trust a man again. Maybe I'm naive, but I want to feel it's okay to trust. I have really good male friends and family members. They can't all be like our husbands. There must be good guys out there. We were just unlucky maybe - but that's all. We did nothing wrong.
Yes, there are some lovely men. And my two sons will be lovely men. I am just hurt, I will be OK. You are an amazing person too and I am so happy that you are feeling positive about the future.
Hi
I am new to the forum (actually this is my first post). I am the wife of a man who has been arrested for looking at images. I have been reading your posts. I see that you have questions that you need answering about how they could do it and why they did it.
I would like to tell you about the Inform Help Group that I am attending. It is a 5 week course for family and friends. I have found it such a help as upto now I havent spoken to anyone about what has happened. The members of the group and the staff running the group have been an amazing help. They have helped me realise I am not alone. We talk about things that we are going through. We support each other and do not judge each other. The group is also helping me to understand how and why my husband could have done what he has done. I would highly recommend attending the group. I know I will miss the group when it comes to an end.
I am new to the forum (actually this is my first post). I am the wife of a man who has been arrested for looking at images. I have been reading your posts. I see that you have questions that you need answering about how they could do it and why they did it.
I would like to tell you about the Inform Help Group that I am attending. It is a 5 week course for family and friends. I have found it such a help as upto now I havent spoken to anyone about what has happened. The members of the group and the staff running the group have been an amazing help. They have helped me realise I am not alone. We talk about things that we are going through. We support each other and do not judge each other. The group is also helping me to understand how and why my husband could have done what he has done. I would highly recommend attending the group. I know I will miss the group when it comes to an end.
Thank you for this Rach. I too attended an inform course with one other woman. We are still in touch and she is a great support nearly two years on. I also regularly speak with the woman who ran the course. I agree, Inform is a good place to get some advice and emotional support if there is a group geographically close to where you live. For anyone who doesn't know, Inform is the course organised by Lucy Faithfull Foundation through Stop it Now! for family members of offenders. There is another course called Inform Plus for the offenders themselves, which is I imagine rather different!
Hi Esther,
I'm at a very different stage in this process compared to you, but I’m wrestling with those same conflicting thoughts and feelings.
For now at least, I am making the decision to stay with my partner. Whether that will remain the case I do not know, but I’m trying to make sure it is an informed decision that I make and not an immediate reaction that would ultimately cause more problems right now.
my partner says that he has a porn addiction, and that essentially it had escalated to this point. He remains adamant that he did not find any of the images sexually attractive, that it felt like a compulsion he was not in control of when he viewed them and that it caused him great distress and panic attacks. This is obvious whenever he speaks about anything to do with it, but like you I do find myself questioning - he knew it was wrong so why do it? He knew it would have negative consequences on the people he loves if they ever found out, as we have now done.
I'm hopeful that I can get the support I need to be able to support him into recovery and hope that we can make it out the other side.
I want to believe that he is still the wonderful person that I fell in love with, and this is just a negative element brought about by an addiction over which he has had little or no control until being forced to face up to the facts by being arrested.
when I spoke with Stop It Now, they used a great analogy about a pizza being made up of lots of slices, each with a range of toppings. Just because one slice has bad toppings, it doesn’t ruin the whole pizza, and there are lots of things you can try to remedy it - you can pick off the toppings, or get rid of that whole slice if you need to. Then you can start to enjoy what’s left of an otherwise good pizza.
I'm rambling, but I hope that helps a little? X
I'm at a very different stage in this process compared to you, but I’m wrestling with those same conflicting thoughts and feelings.
For now at least, I am making the decision to stay with my partner. Whether that will remain the case I do not know, but I’m trying to make sure it is an informed decision that I make and not an immediate reaction that would ultimately cause more problems right now.
my partner says that he has a porn addiction, and that essentially it had escalated to this point. He remains adamant that he did not find any of the images sexually attractive, that it felt like a compulsion he was not in control of when he viewed them and that it caused him great distress and panic attacks. This is obvious whenever he speaks about anything to do with it, but like you I do find myself questioning - he knew it was wrong so why do it? He knew it would have negative consequences on the people he loves if they ever found out, as we have now done.
I'm hopeful that I can get the support I need to be able to support him into recovery and hope that we can make it out the other side.
I want to believe that he is still the wonderful person that I fell in love with, and this is just a negative element brought about by an addiction over which he has had little or no control until being forced to face up to the facts by being arrested.
when I spoke with Stop It Now, they used a great analogy about a pizza being made up of lots of slices, each with a range of toppings. Just because one slice has bad toppings, it doesn’t ruin the whole pizza, and there are lots of things you can try to remedy it - you can pick off the toppings, or get rid of that whole slice if you need to. Then you can start to enjoy what’s left of an otherwise good pizza.
I'm rambling, but I hope that helps a little? X
I didn’t know about an Inform group or any group. I never received any support or help and until this forum, I never spoke to anyone in this situation. I would love to have contacts who I could talk about things with and all the feelings I have. The problems with self loathing, sex, men etc :-(
I don't know if Lucy Faithfull might be willing to put individuals in touch with each other for some kind of mutual mentoring. I guess that would require very careful scrutiny but I think it would be so beneficial, especially for women who are geographically remote or who just feel lonely and depressed.
Wife and mum - although it was a while since “the knock” happened for you, it could still be really beneficial for you to speak to Stop It Now about the Inform course - if you are local to one of the group sessions they run, it could be an opportunity for you to meet people in a similar situation in person and hopefully get some more support xx
I think there’s a huge difference between being depressed and having a porn addiction that sinks to an unacceptable level and predictors who actually harm young people and children and I think the law needs to reflect that !
My son is undiagnosed possible ASD which when not spotted in early childhood causes a lot of complex mental health issues in adults which is where his porn addition came from ! I’m not saying he’s done this because he’s ASD I’m saying he’s done this as a result of mental health which I’ve been taking him to drs all his life cos he wasn’t quite “right” I use that term loosely, but now he is a registered sex offender who is in danger of re offending cos of the strain on his MH with all this and he’s still waiting for therapy x I am watching him closely and making sure he takes his meds
sorry I’m rambling but I think the law needs to address this issue these guys are ill not all but a majority are and there fore the courts and the SOR is not the place for them
I do think the police know this but these guys are easy targets arnt they and it gives investigating officers get promotion and a pat on the back for all there hard work getting a conviction ! What do you all think?
My son is undiagnosed possible ASD which when not spotted in early childhood causes a lot of complex mental health issues in adults which is where his porn addition came from ! I’m not saying he’s done this because he’s ASD I’m saying he’s done this as a result of mental health which I’ve been taking him to drs all his life cos he wasn’t quite “right” I use that term loosely, but now he is a registered sex offender who is in danger of re offending cos of the strain on his MH with all this and he’s still waiting for therapy x I am watching him closely and making sure he takes his meds
sorry I’m rambling but I think the law needs to address this issue these guys are ill not all but a majority are and there fore the courts and the SOR is not the place for them
I do think the police know this but these guys are easy targets arnt they and it gives investigating officers get promotion and a pat on the back for all there hard work getting a conviction ! What do you all think?
Janno, a lot of our husbands have stated a porn addiction has lead them to this point. Many of them are broken men, scared and completely remorseful for what they have done. Personally I think if it's a first offence and they show willing to do the courses, have therapy, then it should be kept out of court. Prison would from the research I have done, do these men no favours.
I think the world truly needs educating on the dangers that porn can have on an individual. I also think that the justice system and journalists need to think more about the repercussions for the innocent family members, instead of making it all into a terrible witch hunt. That's my feelings on indecent images.
I think the world truly needs educating on the dangers that porn can have on an individual. I also think that the justice system and journalists need to think more about the repercussions for the innocent family members, instead of making it all into a terrible witch hunt. That's my feelings on indecent images.
Totally agree with you Janno and dottie , I think my son has done this through some sort of undiagnosed asd , but school were to busy with others at school who were worse than him , I was a totally told this , also this witch hunt needs to stop there should be a law passed, I can understand wen all this happens with vigilantes the offender just gives in as their lives are really ruined then so they might as well just give up and maybe commit further offence and go to prison , and like you say the investigation officer gets a big pat on the back and another step up the ladder, there must be other ways to deal with all this , if only for the wife and children's sake xx
There must be 1000s of us in this position but how do u go about getting heard by authorities? I feel the need to speak out but who do you speak to? This isn’t fair on these guys who are having mh issues now gonna be plagued by guilt and can’t be proper fathers etc as well of the fear of some1 recognising them xxx
Well if there is a way I will be definitely on the team , let's hope boris will bring in some new rules
Nonna,
Heard speech by Boris and it's not good news. He wants to make all sexual offences custodial. So he obviously isn't a fan of rehab. When I heard the speech the other day it just created more anxiety for me.
Heard speech by Boris and it's not good news. He wants to make all sexual offences custodial. So he obviously isn't a fan of rehab. When I heard the speech the other day it just created more anxiety for me.
Lee 1969,
What is the justice group? Feel like we all need to speak up and get some changes happening. It's so very wrong how the legal system and reporting is conducted in these type of cases.
What is the justice group? Feel like we all need to speak up and get some changes happening. It's so very wrong how the legal system and reporting is conducted in these type of cases.
Justice group? Count me in I can’t sit back and watch as my family falls apart, an I don’t want to bury my son either ! Where can we find this group ??
Xx
Xx
What I never heard that , I will be googling that speech by boris , and to think I wanted him in , well I give up , let's hope it doesn't happen to his family eh
Lee 1969.
Maybe that was it, getting them to serve their full sentences. He mentioned it in his speech last Thursday. Think our husbands are going to cop it good and proper.
Maybe that was it, getting them to serve their full sentences. He mentioned it in his speech last Thursday. Think our husbands are going to cop it good and proper.
Its a means for Boris to get votes. Very few people are in our situation, therefore likely have a different perspective. We know behind these offenders are families in pain. To most other people, these offenders are monsters and so are the people who are attached to them.
It's definately a crime and potentially a mental illness in some but i'm saying that without absolving the person who commits this of their accountability and responsibility for their actions. My husband knew that what he was doing was wrong but that is also what he got a kick from. That 'thrill' made him want to repeat it and that is what became addictive. Knowing it was wrong.
It's definately a crime and potentially a mental illness in some but i'm saying that without absolving the person who commits this of their accountability and responsibility for their actions. My husband knew that what he was doing was wrong but that is also what he got a kick from. That 'thrill' made him want to repeat it and that is what became addictive. Knowing it was wrong.
D I love the pizza analogy - thank you.