Secret life
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obviouslly people know that as well as not wanting to give up my job working with young people I ended the relationship with my ex because he still can’t admit to himself or me that he had a problem.
my mind continues to race, I still struggle sleeping. But what keeps me up is did he have a split personality. The him I knew would be never harm a child.
but then I think I had no idea he was searching these images on line and I can’t get my head around it. I blame his mum for being a really selfish person for putting herself first and not meeting his needs as a kid. But then I think he is an adult he can take responsibility for his own actions. It’s just messing with my head who was this man. Surely he couldn’t have liked himself. If he was sexually attracted to minors he should have enough understanding not to act on these urges and if he was anything goes sexually then it is shocking how much he led his sexual needs compromise a nice relationship with safety and security.
o don’t do anger well as a emotion. But I am very angry at him. This is not an active anger such as know throwing things or shouting I am just annoyed with him.
one thing is certain I am not going to rush into another relationship he has blown my trust in others and myself. I know I have a lot to work through to why I attracted a man like this in the first place. I can’t let it happen again.
sorry for the waffly post. I just can’t get over the complete secrecy and different personality behind a screan.
my mind continues to race, I still struggle sleeping. But what keeps me up is did he have a split personality. The him I knew would be never harm a child.
but then I think I had no idea he was searching these images on line and I can’t get my head around it. I blame his mum for being a really selfish person for putting herself first and not meeting his needs as a kid. But then I think he is an adult he can take responsibility for his own actions. It’s just messing with my head who was this man. Surely he couldn’t have liked himself. If he was sexually attracted to minors he should have enough understanding not to act on these urges and if he was anything goes sexually then it is shocking how much he led his sexual needs compromise a nice relationship with safety and security.
o don’t do anger well as a emotion. But I am very angry at him. This is not an active anger such as know throwing things or shouting I am just annoyed with him.
one thing is certain I am not going to rush into another relationship he has blown my trust in others and myself. I know I have a lot to work through to why I attracted a man like this in the first place. I can’t let it happen again.
sorry for the waffly post. I just can’t get over the complete secrecy and different personality behind a screan.
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The secret life part if very hard to get your head around, how could the person we love throw it all away for nothing. Firstly i just want to say it not any of our fault, it not because of amything we did or failed to do as a partner, it is not that you attract this type of person. These issue are complex and i think go a long way back and i think theres a level of mental health issues for some of these men. I dont condone any of this behaviour and some of these men might well be monsters, but sone are not. What leads someone down such a terrible path i dont know. They are grown me and did make a choice for which they must face the concequences, but as a partner you could have done nothing, they have gone to great lengths to hide their behaviour. My patner has had a sexual conversation with a minor online, in the real world i dont think he would ever do that. I struggle with the online version of my partner, i often wonder who is this man who will chat about sex with anyone who will listen online coz that is not the man sat in the room with me. I guess i was not completely unware of things my partner did online and i was aware of must of the subject matter, none of it has anything to do with kids or teens. I guess as my partner has taken full responsibility for his actions and is commited to change and recongnises the damage he has caused i can try to forgive and continue our relationship. I sometimes wonder about split personality but whatever it is they do all seem to have issues from reading everyones posts. My partner is possibly autistic, has low self esteem, anxiety and other issues from childhood. Im glad hes now addressing it all and sorting what was a porn addiction/compulsion. I know he would not deliberatly hurt his family and friends, but theres a long road ahead to sort it all out.
Thanks Andrea and Maria
your both so right. It’s a long road ahead. Some days are better than others. But if I stop and think I get so sad. It’s like a Grief but he is still alive.
I think we all sound empathetic people that in a way have supported our partners a head of ourselves. It’s strange putting myself first for once.
My ex certainly has a victim mentality and it’s hard because I don’t want to tip him over the edge. He had so much support and love. His demons must have been so huge if he wasn’t ready to face them. That’s why I have so much respect for the men who have discclosed.
i feel sorry for my ex he is so lost and fearful. I am not the sort of person to live in the past I am going forward with a future I didn’t choose but can’t deny i wish it never happened.
I replay different things over in my head. He had two panic attacks in my life with him. And I think the prsssure of holding everything together must have overwhelmed him. But still he didn’t get support and now he is at rock bottom o hope he chooses to but the reality is he won’t be able to live with me or his daughter so I guess it seems hopeless.
My partner was certainly more sexually charged than me. I just didn’t think his fetishes would ever consider harming another. Any pornography he had in the past was two concenting adults . Oh I don’t know he has lost way more than me, his daughter his job, me and his home. It seems utterly foolish.
also at the moment it’s relatively private but that may change with the court. As I am writing this I do appreciate why people give the advice one day at a time one step at a time but sometimes the sheer losses of the situation can get overwhelming. My mum does know but she pity’s me and speaks of feeling sorry this has happened. I don’t want pity I want someone to get it and be able to acknowledge the vastness of the emotional responses .
You all have a shared understanding of what the sexual offences mean to each and every one of your day to day lives. It’s not a simple break up our worlds have been rocked and I still care for my ex!!!
It literally messes with me I want to hate him but I can’t I just feel sad for him. He destroyed everything all by himself no one to blame but himself and it’s going to take great courage to rebuild that.
your both so right. It’s a long road ahead. Some days are better than others. But if I stop and think I get so sad. It’s like a Grief but he is still alive.
I think we all sound empathetic people that in a way have supported our partners a head of ourselves. It’s strange putting myself first for once.
My ex certainly has a victim mentality and it’s hard because I don’t want to tip him over the edge. He had so much support and love. His demons must have been so huge if he wasn’t ready to face them. That’s why I have so much respect for the men who have discclosed.
i feel sorry for my ex he is so lost and fearful. I am not the sort of person to live in the past I am going forward with a future I didn’t choose but can’t deny i wish it never happened.
I replay different things over in my head. He had two panic attacks in my life with him. And I think the prsssure of holding everything together must have overwhelmed him. But still he didn’t get support and now he is at rock bottom o hope he chooses to but the reality is he won’t be able to live with me or his daughter so I guess it seems hopeless.
My partner was certainly more sexually charged than me. I just didn’t think his fetishes would ever consider harming another. Any pornography he had in the past was two concenting adults . Oh I don’t know he has lost way more than me, his daughter his job, me and his home. It seems utterly foolish.
also at the moment it’s relatively private but that may change with the court. As I am writing this I do appreciate why people give the advice one day at a time one step at a time but sometimes the sheer losses of the situation can get overwhelming. My mum does know but she pity’s me and speaks of feeling sorry this has happened. I don’t want pity I want someone to get it and be able to acknowledge the vastness of the emotional responses .
You all have a shared understanding of what the sexual offences mean to each and every one of your day to day lives. It’s not a simple break up our worlds have been rocked and I still care for my ex!!!
It literally messes with me I want to hate him but I can’t I just feel sad for him. He destroyed everything all by himself no one to blame but himself and it’s going to take great courage to rebuild that.
Hi Beth,
There is nothing you could have, would have, may have, should have done in order tp prevent your partner doing what he did. Looking for blame from another preson won't give you the answer you crave either. I do think that just by typing out and posting on here gets you thoughts out of your head though so keep sharing what you want on here. We may not have the answers but we know how you feel.
As far as having a 'secret life' is concerned every single person, including me and you will have a private persona, one which we wouldn't want to share with others, even our partners. Now the great majority of us won't have any sexualised thoughts about children! However we have to accept that some people do have those thoughts and they can play out in a number of ways. Some will remain private, some will want to look at sexualised images, few will act out on them. Some will have a personality type that is obsessed with collecting risky, even illegal images and cataloguing them.
Almost every person will have sexualised fantasies, most will be legal but did you know that the most 'popular' female heterosexual fantasy is still that of rape. I can guarantee that they wouldn't actually want that to actually happen to them.
I think the human psyche is a complex one and not as straightforward as the authorities and certainly the media could understand in a million years, the simplified version also sells newspapers (or clicks in the online world)
The internet has allowed an easy way to glimpse into that psyche, for men to indulge in looking at things they would never seek out in the real world and for society to hold a mirror up to itself and look at the things people think about that they would never have been able to before the age of the internet. How many men would have images posted to them as they would have in the 70's and 80's? How many of these men would have travelled to Holland to get these images as they would have in the 70's? I can say it would be a tiny proportion of the men caught today.
The online persona is a bit like ordinary people who are mild mannered and polite in real life who turn into a raging, foul mothed person when they get behind the wheel of a car. They feel separated and protected in the bubble of a car, or the internet.
I know I would never dream of shouting and swearing at someone who holds me up on a pavement whilst walking but confess, to my shame, I certainly do when I'm driving.
That's my thoughts anyway, for what they're worth!
There is nothing you could have, would have, may have, should have done in order tp prevent your partner doing what he did. Looking for blame from another preson won't give you the answer you crave either. I do think that just by typing out and posting on here gets you thoughts out of your head though so keep sharing what you want on here. We may not have the answers but we know how you feel.
As far as having a 'secret life' is concerned every single person, including me and you will have a private persona, one which we wouldn't want to share with others, even our partners. Now the great majority of us won't have any sexualised thoughts about children! However we have to accept that some people do have those thoughts and they can play out in a number of ways. Some will remain private, some will want to look at sexualised images, few will act out on them. Some will have a personality type that is obsessed with collecting risky, even illegal images and cataloguing them.
Almost every person will have sexualised fantasies, most will be legal but did you know that the most 'popular' female heterosexual fantasy is still that of rape. I can guarantee that they wouldn't actually want that to actually happen to them.
I think the human psyche is a complex one and not as straightforward as the authorities and certainly the media could understand in a million years, the simplified version also sells newspapers (or clicks in the online world)
The internet has allowed an easy way to glimpse into that psyche, for men to indulge in looking at things they would never seek out in the real world and for society to hold a mirror up to itself and look at the things people think about that they would never have been able to before the age of the internet. How many men would have images posted to them as they would have in the 70's and 80's? How many of these men would have travelled to Holland to get these images as they would have in the 70's? I can say it would be a tiny proportion of the men caught today.
The online persona is a bit like ordinary people who are mild mannered and polite in real life who turn into a raging, foul mothed person when they get behind the wheel of a car. They feel separated and protected in the bubble of a car, or the internet.
I know I would never dream of shouting and swearing at someone who holds me up on a pavement whilst walking but confess, to my shame, I certainly do when I'm driving.
That's my thoughts anyway, for what they're worth!
Wow jaded.
thats so coherent and makes so much sense. I certainly don’t think the person behind the computer was the person I knew.
It makes me feel so uncomfortable that his inner thoughts and computer history are out there for all to see, why would they risk typing that out, surely they can’t have all been ignorant that they would not get caught.
My husbands private information is now all available in reports . My workplace even knows what he did. He is so stupid.
your right about not really understanding. I am going around in circles, but it does help typing it out especially when it’s not something I can talk about over a coffe out with my friends.
what you wrote makes a lot of sense. My partner day to day was a good person it’s this side to him that’s all taboo, the sad thing is if he opened up to me I could have dealt with it. I feel like I am pretty open minded and don’t see things as black am white but can see different shades.
You sound like your very open minded too. It’s been good to have your input.
thats so coherent and makes so much sense. I certainly don’t think the person behind the computer was the person I knew.
It makes me feel so uncomfortable that his inner thoughts and computer history are out there for all to see, why would they risk typing that out, surely they can’t have all been ignorant that they would not get caught.
My husbands private information is now all available in reports . My workplace even knows what he did. He is so stupid.
your right about not really understanding. I am going around in circles, but it does help typing it out especially when it’s not something I can talk about over a coffe out with my friends.
what you wrote makes a lot of sense. My partner day to day was a good person it’s this side to him that’s all taboo, the sad thing is if he opened up to me I could have dealt with it. I feel like I am pretty open minded and don’t see things as black am white but can see different shades.
You sound like your very open minded too. It’s been good to have your input.
This thread has really helped me this afternoon- everyone is thinking similar things to me but as everyone has said the dynamics of each case is different except that all most all cases of what I’ve seen on here revolve around the internet/chat rooms.
Thanks Beth,
I try to be ‘open minded’, years of social work practice and training has made me do that. It’s a shame more professionals don’t hold on to their non judgmental values and quickly judge and condemn. Setting aside their personal prejudices and risk assessing on evidence based prescribe. I don’t condemn, I try to understand but my bottom line is protecting children. I think so little is know about this subject that the standard response is to keep the alleged offender separated from children, fair enough but some then struggle to find a way back from that standpoint.
Its my strong view though that the great majority of those guilty of the offence do not and would not actually harm a child via contact.
I try to be ‘open minded’, years of social work practice and training has made me do that. It’s a shame more professionals don’t hold on to their non judgmental values and quickly judge and condemn. Setting aside their personal prejudices and risk assessing on evidence based prescribe. I don’t condemn, I try to understand but my bottom line is protecting children. I think so little is know about this subject that the standard response is to keep the alleged offender separated from children, fair enough but some then struggle to find a way back from that standpoint.
Its my strong view though that the great majority of those guilty of the offence do not and would not actually harm a child via contact.
....and the auto correct and spelling whilst replying on my phone continues to be crap!
Thanks both,
your input helps my brain is in overdrive..
Poster I am pleased you may have found some one who loved and respects you. You have given so much to us. I hope you have your happiness.
i don’t mind being single as I work my way through this mess. I certainly have got some trust issues and this secrecy around the offence doesn’t help my peers think I am less secretive!
i know there are some good people out there. I also know I have my own issues of being attracted to men who are not emotionally available and I have to work through this.
I am really trying to do my self care and build on my self awareness. I know deep down it wasn’t me that caused this he has to seek his own way but the very fact I hadn’t a clue messes with my radar of people.
I feel very lucky that you both keep checking in on the forum. It gives me a lot of hope for the future and compassion to see that there is a life after the knock.
what has also happened though to me recently is I am hyper aware of news articles on this subject matter, maybe I didn’t need to notice them before but now they are everywhere and it really brings back to me the views of society.
thanks for listening again and again
beth lou xxx
your input helps my brain is in overdrive..
Poster I am pleased you may have found some one who loved and respects you. You have given so much to us. I hope you have your happiness.
i don’t mind being single as I work my way through this mess. I certainly have got some trust issues and this secrecy around the offence doesn’t help my peers think I am less secretive!
i know there are some good people out there. I also know I have my own issues of being attracted to men who are not emotionally available and I have to work through this.
I am really trying to do my self care and build on my self awareness. I know deep down it wasn’t me that caused this he has to seek his own way but the very fact I hadn’t a clue messes with my radar of people.
I feel very lucky that you both keep checking in on the forum. It gives me a lot of hope for the future and compassion to see that there is a life after the knock.
what has also happened though to me recently is I am hyper aware of news articles on this subject matter, maybe I didn’t need to notice them before but now they are everywhere and it really brings back to me the views of society.
thanks for listening again and again
beth lou xxx
Jaded.
I think you right people are quick to condemn.
luckly my child’s social worker is nice and understands that the impact of not seeing her dad has on her. So she is supportive of the contact arrangements. I obviously wouldn’t want him stopping over night so that’s okay with me.
the jump from talking about things on line and looking at images to contact offence seems rash and I worry people’s livelihoods are being impacted.
i her children need to be safeguarded and I feel I am doing that with the little information I have available.
its also us that’s impacted as I work with young people I was viewed with suspicion which makes me feel sick.
I genuinely don’t think my ex husband would have ever thought this would happen. It’s interesting what poster says that you can only know some one as well as they know themselves and I suppose denial of there being an issue is a big one. That’s why those with partners who are getting help good on them.
for us that don’t I a guess I will have to acknowledge it’s conplex. Though I do think depression and early trauma have a lot to answer for.
I think you right people are quick to condemn.
luckly my child’s social worker is nice and understands that the impact of not seeing her dad has on her. So she is supportive of the contact arrangements. I obviously wouldn’t want him stopping over night so that’s okay with me.
the jump from talking about things on line and looking at images to contact offence seems rash and I worry people’s livelihoods are being impacted.
i her children need to be safeguarded and I feel I am doing that with the little information I have available.
its also us that’s impacted as I work with young people I was viewed with suspicion which makes me feel sick.
I genuinely don’t think my ex husband would have ever thought this would happen. It’s interesting what poster says that you can only know some one as well as they know themselves and I suppose denial of there being an issue is a big one. That’s why those with partners who are getting help good on them.
for us that don’t I a guess I will have to acknowledge it’s conplex. Though I do think depression and early trauma have a lot to answer for.