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Hi,
I'm hoping someone can offer some insight or advice? My husband was summoned to attend bail where he has been charged with sexual online communication with a minor (original reason for arrest, albeit it was a police office with which he was liaising) and he thinks something else but was vague. He has been given a court date at the end of May. He failed to inform me he was attending bail on Monday or that he had a solicitor appointment tomorrow to discuss the charges.
I'm really annoyed he hasn't given me the full information and has hidden details. He's desperate to try and rebuild our relationship and this behaviour is why I'm reluctant to even try.
My question is - can I find out what the charges are exactly? I do need to have the full info as we have a toddler at home and the charges will directly affect us. It's likely SS will become involved depending on the severity of his sentence.
Now that COvID restrictions have relaxed slightly, am I able to attend the court case? I'm worried I'm not going to get the full picture from him as he's been so evasive with information throughout this process. I want to hear it for myself to be able to decide how we move forward.
Any help is much appreciated.
I'm hoping someone can offer some insight or advice? My husband was summoned to attend bail where he has been charged with sexual online communication with a minor (original reason for arrest, albeit it was a police office with which he was liaising) and he thinks something else but was vague. He has been given a court date at the end of May. He failed to inform me he was attending bail on Monday or that he had a solicitor appointment tomorrow to discuss the charges.
I'm really annoyed he hasn't given me the full information and has hidden details. He's desperate to try and rebuild our relationship and this behaviour is why I'm reluctant to even try.
My question is - can I find out what the charges are exactly? I do need to have the full info as we have a toddler at home and the charges will directly affect us. It's likely SS will become involved depending on the severity of his sentence.
Now that COvID restrictions have relaxed slightly, am I able to attend the court case? I'm worried I'm not going to get the full picture from him as he's been so evasive with information throughout this process. I want to hear it for myself to be able to decide how we move forward.
Any help is much appreciated.
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Hi Yellowhouse,
Thanks so much for your reply!
Man, I feel like such an idiot!! Of course they'll have given him a charge sheet - it's not gonna just be read out to him and he gets sent on his merry way. He'd need a copy of the charges.
I just knew he was being vague and it felt really off. This whole situation has me caught between wanting to know/understand every detail and being too afraid of what I'm going to find out, that I seem to blindside myself and miss the obvious.
We have a little one so bail conditions were that he couldn't remain in the home or spend time unattended with minors. The police have not been in touch with me at all which, come to think of it, is a bit out of order considering how the charges will directly affect me and his child. The bail appearance happened on Monday, so that's 3 days ago.
We don't have a social worker as such, a case was 'opened and shut' while the investigation was ongoing, so it was just a phone call. I'm fully expecting them to get back in touch once they're notified of the charges.
As far as I'm aware, the case is being held at the Magistrates court local to us, so it sounds like it's taking place physically, but again, he didn't expand on it. He has a solicitor, who I have met, so I should really pick up with him to understand the next steps as my husband is really not being clear. I do understand this is hard for him, but I have limited sympathy as it's horrible for me and our child too.
I don't know why he feels it's acceptable to continue to try to keep me in the dark. It's like he's trying to downplay it or feed me the minimum info possible. I honestly think he feels the less I know the faster I'll 'get over it' which just makes me worry it's worse than I first thought (although sexually communicating with an undercover police office posing as a 13yr old is more than enough!!)
I need to get my head out of the sand and be more pro-active. I think I've become a bit numb to it all as a way of coping over this last year.
Thanks so much for your reply!
Man, I feel like such an idiot!! Of course they'll have given him a charge sheet - it's not gonna just be read out to him and he gets sent on his merry way. He'd need a copy of the charges.
I just knew he was being vague and it felt really off. This whole situation has me caught between wanting to know/understand every detail and being too afraid of what I'm going to find out, that I seem to blindside myself and miss the obvious.
We have a little one so bail conditions were that he couldn't remain in the home or spend time unattended with minors. The police have not been in touch with me at all which, come to think of it, is a bit out of order considering how the charges will directly affect me and his child. The bail appearance happened on Monday, so that's 3 days ago.
We don't have a social worker as such, a case was 'opened and shut' while the investigation was ongoing, so it was just a phone call. I'm fully expecting them to get back in touch once they're notified of the charges.
As far as I'm aware, the case is being held at the Magistrates court local to us, so it sounds like it's taking place physically, but again, he didn't expand on it. He has a solicitor, who I have met, so I should really pick up with him to understand the next steps as my husband is really not being clear. I do understand this is hard for him, but I have limited sympathy as it's horrible for me and our child too.
I don't know why he feels it's acceptable to continue to try to keep me in the dark. It's like he's trying to downplay it or feed me the minimum info possible. I honestly think he feels the less I know the faster I'll 'get over it' which just makes me worry it's worse than I first thought (although sexually communicating with an undercover police office posing as a 13yr old is more than enough!!)
I need to get my head out of the sand and be more pro-active. I think I've become a bit numb to it all as a way of coping over this last year.
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Thanks Yellowhouse,
I can feel myself spinning. Obviously, as I'm sat here replying at 2am!
The more I think about it, the more annoyed at him I feel. He just casually dropped this bombshell about going in to answer bail (they extended it on two previous occasions) and actually being charged, as he left this evening after helping out with our little one.
I was just stunned. Now I'm just angry. It's like he thinks I'm stupid and I'll just swallow the crap he feeds me. He's still my husband legally, but we are officially separated. I told him I won't entertain the idea of even exploring if we can stay married until I first know exactly what he's accused of and what the consequences are once the case is over.
After everything he's put me through this last year, I don't know how he dares look me in the eye and pretend to not fully understand what's going on. I'm not even entirely sure if he's genuinely remorseful or even fully comprehends what's he's done and what it means. It's like he's boxed up that part of him and it no longer has relevance to who he thinks he is now. Like this is some 'annoyance' we'll move past and forget ever happened.
I've thought about this situation every few minutes, every day of my life since the knock. I'm amazed I still get up each day, carry out my job, look after my little one, speak to him and others normally. I constantly worry about how it affects me, how it could affect my job, my home, his job, my family and friendships and most importantly how it could affect my child.
I think I'll call the police tomorrow to fully understand the charges and then, if my husband isn't forthcoming about his solicitor visit, I'll call them too. The last time I spoke with SS was in June 2020, so I need to be prepared for SS getting back in touch now charges apply. They'll want to know my safeguarding plan etc. - I won't sound prepared if I don't know what's going on.
Thanks again for your replies. Being numb to it all got me here, but I haven't sought counselling throughout this process and I don't fully understand why. But it's time. I can't lug this weight around with me everyday. I'm exhausted.
If you don't mind me asking, how did your situation resolve? Are you through the court case and out the other side? Do you have kids involved too?
I can feel myself spinning. Obviously, as I'm sat here replying at 2am!
The more I think about it, the more annoyed at him I feel. He just casually dropped this bombshell about going in to answer bail (they extended it on two previous occasions) and actually being charged, as he left this evening after helping out with our little one.
I was just stunned. Now I'm just angry. It's like he thinks I'm stupid and I'll just swallow the crap he feeds me. He's still my husband legally, but we are officially separated. I told him I won't entertain the idea of even exploring if we can stay married until I first know exactly what he's accused of and what the consequences are once the case is over.
After everything he's put me through this last year, I don't know how he dares look me in the eye and pretend to not fully understand what's going on. I'm not even entirely sure if he's genuinely remorseful or even fully comprehends what's he's done and what it means. It's like he's boxed up that part of him and it no longer has relevance to who he thinks he is now. Like this is some 'annoyance' we'll move past and forget ever happened.
I've thought about this situation every few minutes, every day of my life since the knock. I'm amazed I still get up each day, carry out my job, look after my little one, speak to him and others normally. I constantly worry about how it affects me, how it could affect my job, my home, his job, my family and friendships and most importantly how it could affect my child.
I think I'll call the police tomorrow to fully understand the charges and then, if my husband isn't forthcoming about his solicitor visit, I'll call them too. The last time I spoke with SS was in June 2020, so I need to be prepared for SS getting back in touch now charges apply. They'll want to know my safeguarding plan etc. - I won't sound prepared if I don't know what's going on.
Thanks again for your replies. Being numb to it all got me here, but I haven't sought counselling throughout this process and I don't fully understand why. But it's time. I can't lug this weight around with me everyday. I'm exhausted.
If you don't mind me asking, how did your situation resolve? Are you through the court case and out the other side? Do you have kids involved too?
We are 10 months in - my dad was arrested June 2020.
same offence - with a police decoy.
I reacted similar - he's my dad so slightly different relationship.
after the anger ...you have to delve deep and try and understand what the hell happened?!
How did this person you love end up doing this? Especially if it is completely out of character. did you see any changes in them before that you ignored? were they distant?maybe depressed?! emotionally unavailable?
Porn is an addiction like anything else - alcohol, drugs, sex
but we don't punish these people and publish it in the media! Apparently 700-1000 men are being arrested each month these type of offences. mind blowing. too much is available at the touch of a button. It's just too easy.
we've been through hell as a family and still are. we have crown court in 2 weeks.
and we are praying for a good outcome.
good luck!
same offence - with a police decoy.
I reacted similar - he's my dad so slightly different relationship.
after the anger ...you have to delve deep and try and understand what the hell happened?!
How did this person you love end up doing this? Especially if it is completely out of character. did you see any changes in them before that you ignored? were they distant?maybe depressed?! emotionally unavailable?
Porn is an addiction like anything else - alcohol, drugs, sex
but we don't punish these people and publish it in the media! Apparently 700-1000 men are being arrested each month these type of offences. mind blowing. too much is available at the touch of a button. It's just too easy.
we've been through hell as a family and still are. we have crown court in 2 weeks.
and we are praying for a good outcome.
good luck!
Luis you made such a good point about porn addiction! I have read so so much since the knock ( January 2021) but my god it still blows my mind too the amount of men getting arrested every month!. I've said it before it must be like spooning water out of the ocean for the police dealing with this crime!. Seriously though something has to change, It's just going to get a lot worse!. I imagine like a lot of women on here feel like me, frustrated, desperate and actually want to speak out about it all but we can't as we will be cast off by society won't we! I'm supporting my husband, he's told me everything and at times it's very hard but he is incredibly remorseful and deeply upset at what he's done ( downloaded iioc, and legal porn). I just so wish I could of found out before the police got involved but he was too scared and ashamed to tell me
Bernie love I would say really look after yourself. You are holding a lot of stuff and worry in your mind and believe me it will make you poorly. I had CBT therapy straight after the knock. It helped with the worry and anxiety and it helped me not loose it with my husband! Yes there was some massive rants and at times I just had to scream at him but honestly if I hadn't done anything to help myself heal a bit I would of ended up in hospital myself, take care love xx
Bernie love I would say really look after yourself. You are holding a lot of stuff and worry in your mind and believe me it will make you poorly. I had CBT therapy straight after the knock. It helped with the worry and anxiety and it helped me not loose it with my husband! Yes there was some massive rants and at times I just had to scream at him but honestly if I hadn't done anything to help myself heal a bit I would of ended up in hospital myself, take care love xx
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Thank you all so much for taking the time to reply.
I totally agree - it is SO not my job to 'fix' someone else. The more this all unravels, the more horrified I get. I refuse to accept any responsibility for someone else's lies or poor behaviour. He's a grown adult and I know he knew what he was doing was wrong. I don't deny he was likely addicted, but he failed to seek help or even try to fix this. That's entirely on him.
I sat him down after his solicitors appt. There was no news as the police haven't yet disclosed the investigation findings to the solicitor. I told him how angry I am that he failed to tell me what had been happening this past week and challenged him to disclose all the charges and to provide full disclosure from his solicitor so I can speak to him.
Turns out there's 3 - sexual communication with a minor online, distributing sexually explicit imagery to a minor and requesting sexual imagery from a minor. He has agreed to ask his solicitor to provide me with full disclosure, so at least I'll feel less in the dark. I knew he had completed the recommended course following his arrest but I pushed back about what he was doing in regards to his porn addiction as a whole, the reason which had brought him here. He admitted he'd not done anything, so I told him how can he ever expect me to consider anything other than us separating permanently if he wasn't going to address the underlying issue? He confessed he'd had an unhealthy attitude to porn since he was 13 and had kept it hidden from me. I told him he needed to seek help or I am done.
I feel so betrayed. Its like the 14 years we've been together have been undermined by his addiction. His behaviour has tainted everything we've been through and shared together our entire relationship. The login to the app he used to communicate illegally with the minors was 6 years old! That means he's been, at the very least, communicating with other women sexually online for half of our married life. From our conversation, I personally believe he's been communicating with minors since at least the end of 2017. I feel like I've fallen down the rabbit hole?! Who the f@&k am I married to?
I have definitely reached my own personal breaking point/low point. I knew it was coming and I had to hit it to seek help. I find this whole situation deeply sordid, embarrassing, disgusting and completely amoral. I told my husband I'd rather he was facing a court case relating to anything else other than child sex abuse. I'm going to start seeking some counselling to stop me completely losing my mind. I'm so angry that what he's done is so disgusting, if I share it with my family or friends, they would never understand and life would never be the same again. If they know, we'd never be able to stay together, that's a definite.
I also challenged him on what I feel is his lack of remorse for his victims. I said you've repeatedly apologised to me, but what about those children you've probably irrevocably screwed up? Why haven't you ever expressed any disgust or remorse at what you've done to them? He told me he never really acknowledged what he was doing had a 'real' person at the other end. He felt it was all pretend, not real life and therefore that's how he justified his continued behaviour to himself. He failed to reconcile the conversations as possibly being with genuine, child participants. I asked him how he'd feel if we discovered a man conversing sexually with our child or sending sexual imagery and he broke down. I won't lie, it was a relief to me to see some evidence that what he'd been doing was registering with him as so deeply wrong.
So now, I'm focusing on me and my child. I'm praying there's no media interest as I have no idea how that will pan out for us all or me personally/professionally. I suppose, after the shock, at least an end date is in sight. That's something to cling to.
Wishing everyone going through this/living with this, the very best. Praying for the best outcome for everybody and I'm in awe of how brave you all are xx
I totally agree - it is SO not my job to 'fix' someone else. The more this all unravels, the more horrified I get. I refuse to accept any responsibility for someone else's lies or poor behaviour. He's a grown adult and I know he knew what he was doing was wrong. I don't deny he was likely addicted, but he failed to seek help or even try to fix this. That's entirely on him.
I sat him down after his solicitors appt. There was no news as the police haven't yet disclosed the investigation findings to the solicitor. I told him how angry I am that he failed to tell me what had been happening this past week and challenged him to disclose all the charges and to provide full disclosure from his solicitor so I can speak to him.
Turns out there's 3 - sexual communication with a minor online, distributing sexually explicit imagery to a minor and requesting sexual imagery from a minor. He has agreed to ask his solicitor to provide me with full disclosure, so at least I'll feel less in the dark. I knew he had completed the recommended course following his arrest but I pushed back about what he was doing in regards to his porn addiction as a whole, the reason which had brought him here. He admitted he'd not done anything, so I told him how can he ever expect me to consider anything other than us separating permanently if he wasn't going to address the underlying issue? He confessed he'd had an unhealthy attitude to porn since he was 13 and had kept it hidden from me. I told him he needed to seek help or I am done.
I feel so betrayed. Its like the 14 years we've been together have been undermined by his addiction. His behaviour has tainted everything we've been through and shared together our entire relationship. The login to the app he used to communicate illegally with the minors was 6 years old! That means he's been, at the very least, communicating with other women sexually online for half of our married life. From our conversation, I personally believe he's been communicating with minors since at least the end of 2017. I feel like I've fallen down the rabbit hole?! Who the f@&k am I married to?
I have definitely reached my own personal breaking point/low point. I knew it was coming and I had to hit it to seek help. I find this whole situation deeply sordid, embarrassing, disgusting and completely amoral. I told my husband I'd rather he was facing a court case relating to anything else other than child sex abuse. I'm going to start seeking some counselling to stop me completely losing my mind. I'm so angry that what he's done is so disgusting, if I share it with my family or friends, they would never understand and life would never be the same again. If they know, we'd never be able to stay together, that's a definite.
I also challenged him on what I feel is his lack of remorse for his victims. I said you've repeatedly apologised to me, but what about those children you've probably irrevocably screwed up? Why haven't you ever expressed any disgust or remorse at what you've done to them? He told me he never really acknowledged what he was doing had a 'real' person at the other end. He felt it was all pretend, not real life and therefore that's how he justified his continued behaviour to himself. He failed to reconcile the conversations as possibly being with genuine, child participants. I asked him how he'd feel if we discovered a man conversing sexually with our child or sending sexual imagery and he broke down. I won't lie, it was a relief to me to see some evidence that what he'd been doing was registering with him as so deeply wrong.
So now, I'm focusing on me and my child. I'm praying there's no media interest as I have no idea how that will pan out for us all or me personally/professionally. I suppose, after the shock, at least an end date is in sight. That's something to cling to.
Wishing everyone going through this/living with this, the very best. Praying for the best outcome for everybody and I'm in awe of how brave you all are xx
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Thanks Yellowhouse, yeah, I'm plodding on!
For me, being a mum, the child victim is everything in these situations. I actually think it may eventually be the reason my husband and I can't reconcile, as I don't think I can ever make my peace with forgiving and living with a man who abused a child. Even as time has passed, the way I feel about that hasn't changed or softened.
I have similar reservations about counselling as I don't think they can give me the answers I need/want. But I've reached a point, where due to the nature of this particular crime, it has effectively prevented me from talking it through with family and friends and I just need to offload. I need to say all the things I've bottled up, just to get it off my chest or they'll run around my head forever. I am trying to keep my expectations low though. Luckily, I get a certain amount of sessions free through work, so if it's not the right fit, I'm not out of pocket.
I am also concerned a 'regular' counsellor won't be able to fully assist as this is quite a specialised scenario. I suppose I'll just have to try it and see how it goes.
For me, being a mum, the child victim is everything in these situations. I actually think it may eventually be the reason my husband and I can't reconcile, as I don't think I can ever make my peace with forgiving and living with a man who abused a child. Even as time has passed, the way I feel about that hasn't changed or softened.
I have similar reservations about counselling as I don't think they can give me the answers I need/want. But I've reached a point, where due to the nature of this particular crime, it has effectively prevented me from talking it through with family and friends and I just need to offload. I need to say all the things I've bottled up, just to get it off my chest or they'll run around my head forever. I am trying to keep my expectations low though. Luckily, I get a certain amount of sessions free through work, so if it's not the right fit, I'm not out of pocket.
I am also concerned a 'regular' counsellor won't be able to fully assist as this is quite a specialised scenario. I suppose I'll just have to try it and see how it goes.
You noted he wanted to rebuild a relationship with you, then he really needs to be fully open and honest. In my partners case I made it clear I had to hear the whole story, what he searched for when, how often, exactly what he did. I also had to see all the documents he was given. But I approached it as I wouldn't be judgemental, and I would be supportive. That's usually the most effective way to get someone to open up. But he had to be honest, agree to get help if had those sort of thoughts, and keep my updated.
I think it's normal for a person to downplay their actions, they are coming to terms with the situation themselves. I imagine it takes time to process what they have done, and the repercussions. And conversely it's also normal for the prosecution to word things to make them look as badly as possible, and for the police to steer the investigation in a direction that is advantageous to prosecution. I'm saying both sides have their biases, so always keep that in mind. In any court papers, look at what is not said, as much as what is said. In my partners case, nothing substantive was given until the last minute. I'm not sure if this was a tactic from the police or just incompetance (they had compiled their report months earlier).
I don't know the details of your case, in cases where there is a decoy, and an adult is pretending to be a child. Then I would look to see if they really believed they were a child. I would want information about where the chat started (on an adult dating app, or a site for children), who instigated the chat, how long, what exactly was said. At what point did the adult pretend to be a child, before or after any type of sex talk etc.
I think it's normal for a person to downplay their actions, they are coming to terms with the situation themselves. I imagine it takes time to process what they have done, and the repercussions. And conversely it's also normal for the prosecution to word things to make them look as badly as possible, and for the police to steer the investigation in a direction that is advantageous to prosecution. I'm saying both sides have their biases, so always keep that in mind. In any court papers, look at what is not said, as much as what is said. In my partners case, nothing substantive was given until the last minute. I'm not sure if this was a tactic from the police or just incompetance (they had compiled their report months earlier).
I don't know the details of your case, in cases where there is a decoy, and an adult is pretending to be a child. Then I would look to see if they really believed they were a child. I would want information about where the chat started (on an adult dating app, or a site for children), who instigated the chat, how long, what exactly was said. At what point did the adult pretend to be a child, before or after any type of sex talk etc.
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Hi Yellowhouse, I have the same views as you and everytime I commented people were not happy I had a different view then most of the people on here, I was made to feel I didn't deserve support because of my views so now I don't feel safe saying how I feel, but I wanted to let you know you're not on your own with how you feel. I cannot stop thinking about the children in the videos, everything I have gone through, is nothing to what those poor children went through. I even ended up in hospital with PTSD because of flash backs of what happened to the children in the videos my ex was watching. I'm don't want to upset anyone else I just would like my views to feel valid.
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No one condones what their partner did, not a single person. We are all horrified. Our lives have been destroyed. There is no right and wrong way to deal with this s***. We choose to follow whatever path we feel is right for us. No one, not you, not me, should feel that we can't have our views. We need to have a safe space for our voices. However, we all need to be sensitive and empathetic to each other. Please remember that. You have some very harsh words in your last post. We are all fragile enough. Please don't add to our pain. I have chosen to separate from my husband, but that doesn't mean to say I don't respect those that have chosen to stay.
Kindness is what we all need. Hugs all round xx
Kindness is what we all need. Hugs all round xx
I need to add, the posts are often about situations, feelings, relationships.The fact that children are being abused and that it is disgusting is a given. Most are mothers here, and to insinuate that they ignore that fact is really harsh. They love their children above anything else, and that is often why they choose to try and understand their partners in order to not allow their children to suffer with the loss of a parent in their lives.
I hope you understand. Please, we all need to be gentle with each other xx
I hope you understand. Please, we all need to be gentle with each other xx
I've never seen anyone condone or minimise what the person they love has done to say that those who try to help others understand more about falling down the rabbit hole is minimising the crime and not the having empathy for the children is out of order it's far from minimising the crime or not having compassion or empathy for the children
No one has the right to judge another's choice or to say that they are minimising the crime or not thinking about the children involved to make statements like that is unfair and deflamatory
why should anyone respect anyone else's decisions or choices of that person is not respectful of other's decisions and choices?
Everyone has the right to make there own decisions and choices without been made to feel like they are scum or for anyone else to infer they are minimising things simply because of what has been written
im crap with how to translate my feelings and emotions into words as are others that does not mean we condone or ate minimising anything or that we have no compassion or empathy for the children
No one has the right to judge another's choice or to say that they are minimising the crime or not thinking about the children involved to make statements like that is unfair and deflamatory
why should anyone respect anyone else's decisions or choices of that person is not respectful of other's decisions and choices?
Everyone has the right to make there own decisions and choices without been made to feel like they are scum or for anyone else to infer they are minimising things simply because of what has been written
im crap with how to translate my feelings and emotions into words as are others that does not mean we condone or ate minimising anything or that we have no compassion or empathy for the children
I am a safeguarding lead and I was the person who reported the crime however I have stayed with my husband. After an initial seperation where he did everything he could to understand his behaviour, and yes his addiction to porn, first introduced to it at the age of 7. He was open and honest with me and nothing was hidden from me, I had all access to investigating officer, charges, solicitors and obviously I had seen the evidence with my own eyes. I did a massive amount of research into the crime and addiction and had counselling with my husband with a stopso therapist who opened my eyes to her experience of these men and how they got to this point.
We all make hard decisions to stay or go nothing is easy but we must never judge others for their choices.
My final point is let's not forget that the men who retain their partners / family are less likely to reoffend. Never have I minimised the crime my husband has committed and never have I forgotten about the innocent victims in those images and to suggest that is utterly wrong and hurtful. Be kind, don't judge and let's all support each other no matter what decisions we make.
We all make hard decisions to stay or go nothing is easy but we must never judge others for their choices.
My final point is let's not forget that the men who retain their partners / family are less likely to reoffend. Never have I minimised the crime my husband has committed and never have I forgotten about the innocent victims in those images and to suggest that is utterly wrong and hurtful. Be kind, don't judge and let's all support each other no matter what decisions we make.
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Everyone is entitled to their opinions and all opinions are valid, but please don't presume that those that stay are not disgusted with the crime or do not have empathy for the victims because that is just not the case.
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Hello -my first ever post .I felt compelled to post in support of Yellowhouse's comments.I have been reading on here for over 2 years and felt unable to post because of hostility shown on these boards .It appears to me that those who choose to stay seem to feel more supported on here more than those who choose to leave .
Certainly,there appears to be a strong side to the Forum about treatment of the people who are committing online offences which I find perturbing .I understand that partners or family involved with these men will want them to have treatment -but I'm unsure that this is the place to discuss it .Maybe there should be a different forum or thread for that .
Perhaps it is time that the Forum had a rethink about how this actually works . Maybe there should be threads with different titles . I think it is dreadful that Yellowhouse's post has been criticised by few people .I support what she says fully .
Certainly,there appears to be a strong side to the Forum about treatment of the people who are committing online offences which I find perturbing .I understand that partners or family involved with these men will want them to have treatment -but I'm unsure that this is the place to discuss it .Maybe there should be a different forum or thread for that .
Perhaps it is time that the Forum had a rethink about how this actually works . Maybe there should be threads with different titles . I think it is dreadful that Yellowhouse's post has been criticised by few people .I support what she says fully .
I've not seen one person who has either chosen to stay or go who has inferred they are not disgusted by the person they love's actions for anyone to imply that we are not disgusted that we do not have compassion for the children involved or potential children involved is not only disrespectful but is also highly offensive
My partner was talking to a decoy so thankfully no real children involved but I still think how much damage he would of caused had that been a real child and I'm disgusted and heartbroken by his actions even he his disgusted in his actions and the harm he would of caused to a real child
Until society understand that not everything is black and white with these types of crime that a Porn Addiction is real and can lead you down this path unfortunately it will be harder to intervene to help these men before they offend
Because of how society see these crimes and classify them all as the p word and because of how disgusted he is in his own actions my partner doesn't think he deserves to even be breathing he is doing everything he has to do and more to get help for his addiction his depression anxiety and his mental disability he maybe physically in his 40s but only functions at a low level 18 that's no excuse because ther is no excuse for his actions he is a good hearted person who would do anything for anyone his offending doesn't define him just as it doesn't define others loved ones the only way forward is for him to take responsibility for your actions (which he did immediately) and to seek the professional help needed with that and the support of those who choose to standby he is more highly likely not to reoffend
Your insistence that we don't acknowledge the seriousness of the offending that we ate not disgusted and don't have compassion or empathy for the children of the abuse is again extremely disrespectful and highly offensive you make these decisions and views about us without knowing who we are or anything about us yet you expect people to respect you and your decisions when you 0 respect for anyone else
My partner was talking to a decoy so thankfully no real children involved but I still think how much damage he would of caused had that been a real child and I'm disgusted and heartbroken by his actions even he his disgusted in his actions and the harm he would of caused to a real child
Until society understand that not everything is black and white with these types of crime that a Porn Addiction is real and can lead you down this path unfortunately it will be harder to intervene to help these men before they offend
Because of how society see these crimes and classify them all as the p word and because of how disgusted he is in his own actions my partner doesn't think he deserves to even be breathing he is doing everything he has to do and more to get help for his addiction his depression anxiety and his mental disability he maybe physically in his 40s but only functions at a low level 18 that's no excuse because ther is no excuse for his actions he is a good hearted person who would do anything for anyone his offending doesn't define him just as it doesn't define others loved ones the only way forward is for him to take responsibility for your actions (which he did immediately) and to seek the professional help needed with that and the support of those who choose to standby he is more highly likely not to reoffend
Your insistence that we don't acknowledge the seriousness of the offending that we ate not disgusted and don't have compassion or empathy for the children of the abuse is again extremely disrespectful and highly offensive you make these decisions and views about us without knowing who we are or anything about us yet you expect people to respect you and your decisions when you 0 respect for anyone else
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Do you have any comprehension of how these vigilante groups work ?
Do you know they don't do what they do to save children they do it get there five minutes of fame they have extensive criminal histories usually for violent crimes they can and do trick people into continuing into sexual communication that doesn't excuse the offending behaviour but these vigilante groups are far from innocent themselves
Porn addiction is like any other addiction it escalates you look for riskier material to get your high from that can and does lead into illegal activities it is not removing accountability for the offending before you judge do your research there is evidence out there to backup porn addiction leading to these crimes none of us have this easy the fact you choose to judge something you clearly do not understand by your own comment of " I do not subscribe to that view " is highly offensive and disrespectful it is not a view it is a established fact that porn addiction leads to these crimes there is plenty of evidence out there to support that porn can and does actually lead to these offences for some even LFF had an article on how porn addiction can lead to these crimes ITS NOT A VIEW AS YOU CLAIM ITS A PROVEN FACT
If you want respect give others the same respect and do not imply that porn addiction is not real and does not lead to this sort of offending when you obviously don't know anything about either or why or how it can lead to these offences
you are coming across as extremely disrespectful highly insensitive highly offensive and ill informed about Porn Addiction and the offending it can and does lead to
Do you know they don't do what they do to save children they do it get there five minutes of fame they have extensive criminal histories usually for violent crimes they can and do trick people into continuing into sexual communication that doesn't excuse the offending behaviour but these vigilante groups are far from innocent themselves
Porn addiction is like any other addiction it escalates you look for riskier material to get your high from that can and does lead into illegal activities it is not removing accountability for the offending before you judge do your research there is evidence out there to backup porn addiction leading to these crimes none of us have this easy the fact you choose to judge something you clearly do not understand by your own comment of " I do not subscribe to that view " is highly offensive and disrespectful it is not a view it is a established fact that porn addiction leads to these crimes there is plenty of evidence out there to support that porn can and does actually lead to these offences for some even LFF had an article on how porn addiction can lead to these crimes ITS NOT A VIEW AS YOU CLAIM ITS A PROVEN FACT
If you want respect give others the same respect and do not imply that porn addiction is not real and does not lead to this sort of offending when you obviously don't know anything about either or why or how it can lead to these offences
you are coming across as extremely disrespectful highly insensitive highly offensive and ill informed about Porn Addiction and the offending it can and does lead to
I'm sorry but pit kettle black I know people who are scared to post on here because of the judgements you have passed
if you are going to infer that porn addiction is not real does not lead to these types of offending that those who stay ate not disgusted in the actions of the offender forget about or have no sympathy or compassion or empathy for the children who are victims then except us to stand up for ourselves that is out right when someone is judging us without knowing the first thing about us your comments were generalised to all who claim porn addiction to all who stay etc so expect us to stand up for ourselves when you or others generalise in such a manner trying to pull us down
I'm disgusting in what my partner did he is disgusted in what he did he has a porn addiction first introduced at 9 grow up in domestic abusive home was sexual assault himself as a young lad none of which are excuses for his offending they are the reason he has a porn addiction he usec it as an escape from his problems from such a young age it escalated from there it's not a view it's a fact a proven fact
if you are going to infer that porn addiction is not real does not lead to these types of offending that those who stay ate not disgusted in the actions of the offender forget about or have no sympathy or compassion or empathy for the children who are victims then except us to stand up for ourselves that is out right when someone is judging us without knowing the first thing about us your comments were generalised to all who claim porn addiction to all who stay etc so expect us to stand up for ourselves when you or others generalise in such a manner trying to pull us down
I'm disgusting in what my partner did he is disgusted in what he did he has a porn addiction first introduced at 9 grow up in domestic abusive home was sexual assault himself as a young lad none of which are excuses for his offending they are the reason he has a porn addiction he usec it as an escape from his problems from such a young age it escalated from there it's not a view it's a fact a proven fact
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You clearly infer porn addiction is not real
you clearly infer all who stay are not disgusted in the offending and forget about the victims of the crime (children)
So expect people to stand up for themselves when you are been highly offensive and disrespectful
you clearly infer all who stay are not disgusted in the offending and forget about the victims of the crime (children)
So expect people to stand up for themselves when you are been highly offensive and disrespectful
I never said claimed anything was invalid I called you out on your blatant highly disrespectful offensive generalisation of those who stay and who's loved ones have a genuine porn addiction that lead to there offending
if you want to twist me standing up for myself after your generalisation that's your right
I know how hard it is to be a single parent I'm sure you have done what you feel is right for your child they are the most important person in this
Just don't infer everyone who stays is not disgusted doesn't think about the children abused and that porn addiction is not real they are the only views I disagree with
if you want to twist me standing up for myself after your generalisation that's your right
I know how hard it is to be a single parent I'm sure you have done what you feel is right for your child they are the most important person in this
Just don't infer everyone who stays is not disgusted doesn't think about the children abused and that porn addiction is not real they are the only views I disagree with
Yellowhouse, don't know if you'll see this, I'm so sorry, but thank you for being brave, I hope you're ok, sending much love and hugs. Xxxx. P.S don't feel you have to respond, I don't want you to get anymore backlash, I just wanted to send love. X
I am horrified but not surprised by the reaction to a post by Yellowhouse.
Some people have bullied and verbally abused her .Very nasty.It's attitudes
Like this which have kept me from posting in the past .You should all be ashamed .
Some people have bullied and verbally abused her .Very nasty.It's attitudes
Like this which have kept me from posting in the past .You should all be ashamed .
Hi Cher! I am 100% fine, and it is really lovely of you to check in, thank you :). I have taken the decision that, this is not a place where I personally will find support, and these kind of interactions are not beneficial to my mental health right now, so I have decided to step away for now :).
I am incredibly lucky as I have a lot of very supportive and non-judgmental friends who are aware of my situation and who are there when I need to work through things, rant, moan, or cry. I hope over time, this forum can evolve to provide a space where anyone going through this, regardless of the decisions they have taken, can get the support they need.
I hope you are OK, and I hope you can find support to work through what you have experienced. I'm not sure if you have tried the LFF helpline, but I found them great, so if you haven't, and you need to talk, I would recommend trying them :). Sending you love and best wishes for the future xxxx
I am incredibly lucky as I have a lot of very supportive and non-judgmental friends who are aware of my situation and who are there when I need to work through things, rant, moan, or cry. I hope over time, this forum can evolve to provide a space where anyone going through this, regardless of the decisions they have taken, can get the support they need.
I hope you are OK, and I hope you can find support to work through what you have experienced. I'm not sure if you have tried the LFF helpline, but I found them great, so if you haven't, and you need to talk, I would recommend trying them :). Sending you love and best wishes for the future xxxx
I made the decision to separate from my husband. I have never felt that this is an unsafe space for me. I have had nothing but kindness. Please, if you're reading this and scared to post, do! The vast majority do not judge each other's choices or views, it is hard enough without that!! xxx
Wow ,Tabs -you couldn't be more wrong -it took someone to post something that I actually agreed with and she was absolutely got at by many of you -just because she had a different viewpoint .
It's not surprising people don't post .Dont be scared -you have got to be joking !!! .There are a few women on here who strongly dominate the forum with lots of posts about their partners.They support them .I understand that these women may have been with their partners for years and feel the need to do that - if you disagree with that viewpoint -it seems ok to tell you .
I also understand that some of these people have been manipulated for years by their partners -part of the addiction process .Offenders also groom their partners as well as children .They have lied ,some for years about what they are doing online I find the "rabbit hole" that we are constantly reminded of as offensive .The manipulation did not just stop with the fact that the offender is caught .Remember these men have been viewing porn for years and manipulating their partners for that long ,too .Some of these women,to me ,seem to be working very hard to do courses,read books ,contact authorities etc -in support of offenders . I understand that it's hard but just because you don't want to understand the person who has committed the crime against children ,or feel that there is a better way to care for yourself and yours and others chidren -doesn't make you wrong .
This outright bullying and abuse of Yellowhouse is terrible and shameful in a forum like this . How terrible to say that people need to understand the offenders' addiction - You do not have to . You are not forced to understand why an offender does what he or she does to try and keep yourself and children safe .
It's not surprising people don't post .Dont be scared -you have got to be joking !!! .There are a few women on here who strongly dominate the forum with lots of posts about their partners.They support them .I understand that these women may have been with their partners for years and feel the need to do that - if you disagree with that viewpoint -it seems ok to tell you .
I also understand that some of these people have been manipulated for years by their partners -part of the addiction process .Offenders also groom their partners as well as children .They have lied ,some for years about what they are doing online I find the "rabbit hole" that we are constantly reminded of as offensive .The manipulation did not just stop with the fact that the offender is caught .Remember these men have been viewing porn for years and manipulating their partners for that long ,too .Some of these women,to me ,seem to be working very hard to do courses,read books ,contact authorities etc -in support of offenders . I understand that it's hard but just because you don't want to understand the person who has committed the crime against children ,or feel that there is a better way to care for yourself and yours and others chidren -doesn't make you wrong .
This outright bullying and abuse of Yellowhouse is terrible and shameful in a forum like this . How terrible to say that people need to understand the offenders' addiction - You do not have to . You are not forced to understand why an offender does what he or she does to try and keep yourself and children safe .
Bernie, I apologise for deleting my posts last night. Felt a little bit under attack and decided it was best I left. Having reflected, I've realised I have valid experiences and knowledge to share, where appropriate, that hopefully can be of use to some. So I will continue to use the forum to that end. I hope none of the posts on this thread have deterred you from posting further, and I hope you are doing ok today xx
Shame you choose to judge others and then cry wolf when people you are judging stand up for themselves
I never once judged you or said your feelings were invalid yet you judged me and others and tried to infer some pretty nasty things
I never once judged you or said your feelings were invalid yet you judged me and others and tried to infer some pretty nasty things
Well said Jane. The deleted posts were very judgmental and one sided and would not have been of help to any new people trying to find the courage to post on here for first time support. I've been on this forum since my sons arrest and conviction and have found this forum a great support to me throughout some of the most challenging times I've ever had to face.
Had I came to this forum for the first time looking for support last night, I'd have ran a mile because the posts I read basically accused ladies who stay with their husbands or support them as being as guilty as the offender. The posts were very upsetting to read even although it was my son who offended and not with images . He communicated with a teenager as you all know.
I have never judged anyone on here whether they have stayed or gone simply because I've walked a mile in their shoes. The only difference is that it was my son who offended and not my hubby. The post came across as the offender should be disowned however they are related to you. Does this mean I should have disowned my son and just forgot that I'd ever given birth to my him? I couldn't and wouldn't do that and to be frank I don't give two tosses what anyone thinks about me standing by my son. I just feel sad that it's possible someone new has had to read those posts last night. The posts defeated the purpose of this support group.
Thankfully, I have had good support from joining private groups that were formed from some of the ladies on this group. I honestly think people need to read what they've written before hitting the post button and put themselves in the shoes of someone at the start of this journey and then ask themselves how they'd feel if them posts were the first ones they read when they first come here for support.
no doubt I'll be slaughtered for this post but I'm not to bothered about that as I know that by putting this post up I've done my bit for ( pardon the phrase) the underdog who is new here. X
Had I came to this forum for the first time looking for support last night, I'd have ran a mile because the posts I read basically accused ladies who stay with their husbands or support them as being as guilty as the offender. The posts were very upsetting to read even although it was my son who offended and not with images . He communicated with a teenager as you all know.
I have never judged anyone on here whether they have stayed or gone simply because I've walked a mile in their shoes. The only difference is that it was my son who offended and not my hubby. The post came across as the offender should be disowned however they are related to you. Does this mean I should have disowned my son and just forgot that I'd ever given birth to my him? I couldn't and wouldn't do that and to be frank I don't give two tosses what anyone thinks about me standing by my son. I just feel sad that it's possible someone new has had to read those posts last night. The posts defeated the purpose of this support group.
Thankfully, I have had good support from joining private groups that were formed from some of the ladies on this group. I honestly think people need to read what they've written before hitting the post button and put themselves in the shoes of someone at the start of this journey and then ask themselves how they'd feel if them posts were the first ones they read when they first come here for support.
no doubt I'll be slaughtered for this post but I'm not to bothered about that as I know that by putting this post up I've done my bit for ( pardon the phrase) the underdog who is new here. X
I did not find the posts referred to as judgemental or disrespectful.I thought that they represented a different viewpoint. I found the inundation of criticism or rudeness,writing in capital letters as if shouting ,telling someone they should read up on porn addiction very offensive and off putting .It seems that we have interpreted Yellowhouse's posts very differently .To me the attacks on Yellowhouse seemed personal and I found it very worrying that people react so nastily to a different point of view .
Thank you Rockie! I missed your post the other day.
I found the same as you - I know of at least one - but I think probably many more - users, who have left the forum because they hold a different viewpoint to the (seemingly) dominant one (though I suspect it is more the case that, it's not the dominant view, but rather the more vocal more). One user who I felt really needed the support (had an abusive partner, had suffered terrible manipulation, and was keen to see him held accountable for his actions) left, and I my guess is that she did not feel very welcome here.
The crazy thing is, I've read pretty much every peer reviewed article available on how and why men commit these crimes. I've read up on online sex offending generally, paedophilia, and yes, porn addiction, too. No one on a forum would be able to determine the reasons behind someone's offending, or comment on the risk they pose. There are many reasons why people commit child abuse crimes and view child abuse images.
You observe, as I do, that there are a few voices on here that, collectively, dominate the forum, with a very particular viewpoint on why offending occurs. Whilst this may be true in their particular scenarios, it won't be the case for everyone. The crazy thing is, on this particular thread, the offence was an online communication offence, nothing to do with 'porn addiction'. But it ended with aggressive posts shouting (caps) about porn addiction. I can't even see how that would be relevant, as this theory seeks to explain why people view images of child abuse, not explain comms offences.
I am quite a strong person, but I confess to having felt a slightly shaken (not on the evening of these posts, actually, but the following day). So I can't even begin to imagine how someone more vulnerable might have coped, with what I perceived to be somewhat of an attack on the part of one particular user.
I found the same as you - I know of at least one - but I think probably many more - users, who have left the forum because they hold a different viewpoint to the (seemingly) dominant one (though I suspect it is more the case that, it's not the dominant view, but rather the more vocal more). One user who I felt really needed the support (had an abusive partner, had suffered terrible manipulation, and was keen to see him held accountable for his actions) left, and I my guess is that she did not feel very welcome here.
The crazy thing is, I've read pretty much every peer reviewed article available on how and why men commit these crimes. I've read up on online sex offending generally, paedophilia, and yes, porn addiction, too. No one on a forum would be able to determine the reasons behind someone's offending, or comment on the risk they pose. There are many reasons why people commit child abuse crimes and view child abuse images.
You observe, as I do, that there are a few voices on here that, collectively, dominate the forum, with a very particular viewpoint on why offending occurs. Whilst this may be true in their particular scenarios, it won't be the case for everyone. The crazy thing is, on this particular thread, the offence was an online communication offence, nothing to do with 'porn addiction'. But it ended with aggressive posts shouting (caps) about porn addiction. I can't even see how that would be relevant, as this theory seeks to explain why people view images of child abuse, not explain comms offences.
I am quite a strong person, but I confess to having felt a slightly shaken (not on the evening of these posts, actually, but the following day). So I can't even begin to imagine how someone more vulnerable might have coped, with what I perceived to be somewhat of an attack on the part of one particular user.
I'm sorry Yellowhouse, but my husband was sent to prison due to vigilante/communication offence. Psychological evaluations and extensive therapy shows that this stemmed from a porn addiction. This is a fact. I have not made this up. I have therapy, continues even now, to help me make sense of it all. Everyone has a different story. I take the stance that I believe everyone's story, I do not judge them or say they are wrong.
That is what you are doing. You have done this to me. I am very upset that I am not believed by you. Please, try and understand that people are not attacking you, they are asking you to be tolerant.
I feel for you and every other person in this truly horrendous and isolating journey.
If I am one of the "strong voices" you refer to, I will happily bow out, but please speak gently and supportively to everyone that joins this group whilst they unravel the grief, pain and sorrow. X
That is what you are doing. You have done this to me. I am very upset that I am not believed by you. Please, try and understand that people are not attacking you, they are asking you to be tolerant.
I feel for you and every other person in this truly horrendous and isolating journey.
If I am one of the "strong voices" you refer to, I will happily bow out, but please speak gently and supportively to everyone that joins this group whilst they unravel the grief, pain and sorrow. X
Sort of wish I could reinstate my original posts now. I initially felt that I just didn't need the hassle or stress. However since deleting, and reflecting, I have realised that there will be other woman, in a similar position to me, who have come here for support - and who find the opposite.
I would also like to make a very important point regarding staying or leaving an offending partner. NEITHER approach eliminates the trauma. BOTH scenarios are traumatic. There is nothing easy about leaving.
I think the post on here that hurt me the most was one flippantly stating something along the lines of 'enjoy your new life'.
I have worked very hard at picking myself back up, for the sake of my children, and I will continue to do so. But I am astounded that anyone on this journey would imagine that someone would just move on from this, trauma free and 'enjoy' a new life. Ive battled--and still am - depression, anxiety, some other, related, mental health issues that I won't go into, I am adjusting to single parenting/trying to support my children, to boot. My cup is well and truly empty some days.
I'll keep going, but please don't attack me, or assume I don't carry trauma, too.
I would also like to make a very important point regarding staying or leaving an offending partner. NEITHER approach eliminates the trauma. BOTH scenarios are traumatic. There is nothing easy about leaving.
I think the post on here that hurt me the most was one flippantly stating something along the lines of 'enjoy your new life'.
I have worked very hard at picking myself back up, for the sake of my children, and I will continue to do so. But I am astounded that anyone on this journey would imagine that someone would just move on from this, trauma free and 'enjoy' a new life. Ive battled--and still am - depression, anxiety, some other, related, mental health issues that I won't go into, I am adjusting to single parenting/trying to support my children, to boot. My cup is well and truly empty some days.
I'll keep going, but please don't attack me, or assume I don't carry trauma, too.
Tab I have said very clearly that no one can give a reason for why anyone committed any offence via posts on a forum. I'm glad you and your hudband know how his offending came about, and I'm pleased you are getting help and support with that.
My point was, the OP on here did not mention images. There was no suggestion or mention to my recollection of porn addiction. Neither is this a factor in my own scenario. So I'm not sure why this was even mentioned.
My point was, the OP on here did not mention images. There was no suggestion or mention to my recollection of porn addiction. Neither is this a factor in my own scenario. So I'm not sure why this was even mentioned.
That's the point. There are no illegal images!!!!! Nothing. One conversation with a decoy. One. No attraction to children. He got his kicks talking to women on line. And meeting them. He was addicted. Couldn't stop. It's complicated. That's why we can't judge. We don't know each other, we don't know our partners backgrounds, upbringing, relationships....it's all unique.
But we all hurt and are in deep pain. And it is not helpful to be told what you know to be true for you isn't. And that vigilantes are right to destroy me. They nearly killed me with the panic, stress and trauma. I lost my life......
But we all hurt and are in deep pain. And it is not helpful to be told what you know to be true for you isn't. And that vigilantes are right to destroy me. They nearly killed me with the panic, stress and trauma. I lost my life......
I don't understand all the sudden posts about vigilantes doing a 'good job'? Where has anyone said that? I will happily join you in your observations that those groups are scum, so I'm slightly confused
I'm exhausted. I'm upset. You deleted some hurtful posts. If you just accepted that and apologised it would be great.I can't go into battle. I haven't the energy. I just want kindness. I am here because of someone else. I have done nothing wrong, I just want to help others. I have enough to deal with so maybe it's time to leave.
I'm sorry but to inter that those who stay are no better then the offenders to infer that they don't think about the children involved in the offence that have been harmed and to blatantly say porn addiction is not real is a an attack it is not a different viewpoint and all those are exactly what Yollowhouse inferred no one attacked her we stood up for ourselves because she was attacking everyone in general that stays and that is so very wrong on so many levels
The reasons this forum seems more to be around those that stay is simply because most on here are those who make the decisions to stay or who decided to support the offender that doe not as Yollowhouse inferred on numerous occasions in her posts that she has since deleted make us bad people no has the right to judge other's decisions regardless of wether they stay or they go the fact she has and continues to do so is extremely disrespectful & offensive
She choose to leave & cut all ties that her right and I respect that like I respect those who leave but decided to try to support the offender or those like me who choose to stay
She doesn't know any of us personally or are partners or other family members who offended yet she thought she had the right to judge us and call us just as bad as the offender that's far from acceptable behaviour and she can't except not to have people she is is slating and disrespectful towards not standup for themselves
The reasons this forum seems more to be around those that stay is simply because most on here are those who make the decisions to stay or who decided to support the offender that doe not as Yollowhouse inferred on numerous occasions in her posts that she has since deleted make us bad people no has the right to judge other's decisions regardless of wether they stay or they go the fact she has and continues to do so is extremely disrespectful & offensive
She choose to leave & cut all ties that her right and I respect that like I respect those who leave but decided to try to support the offender or those like me who choose to stay
She doesn't know any of us personally or are partners or other family members who offended yet she thought she had the right to judge us and call us just as bad as the offender that's far from acceptable behaviour and she can't except not to have people she is is slating and disrespectful towards not standup for themselves
Yellowhouse
All I want to say is I felt very upset about your comments about people who stay minimising the crime and forgetting the child victims. I reported my husband myself, the hardest thing I have ever done. I didn't take the crime lightly and I have not forgotten the victims in this. Please do not generalise, every persons journey is different and a nightmare to travel, whether you stay or go.
Those that stay have the whole of society telling them that they are disgusting for staying, that they must of known etc etc etc they don't need to come on here, the one place they can get support to then have you saying more or less the same thing.
All I want to say is I felt very upset about your comments about people who stay minimising the crime and forgetting the child victims. I reported my husband myself, the hardest thing I have ever done. I didn't take the crime lightly and I have not forgotten the victims in this. Please do not generalise, every persons journey is different and a nightmare to travel, whether you stay or go.
Those that stay have the whole of society telling them that they are disgusting for staying, that they must of known etc etc etc they don't need to come on here, the one place they can get support to then have you saying more or less the same thing.
Tabs - I wish I could undelete them. They were not rude or aggressive (in fact, I actually more felt some of the posts-not yours-directed at me, were the aggressive ones). No one had to comment, if they didn't agree - they could have just scrolled on. Interestingly, there have been a few posts by people who have said they share similar views to me, but have felt unable to post on here until now.
And tabs, I am genuinely sorry you are upset. You seem like an absolutely lovely lady, and I wish you well.
Bernie, I'm so sorry this has happened on your post :(. I'll duck out now - I hope this hasn't upset you or deterred you from posting further.
Illegal Online communication offences can have a lot to do with porn addiction the fact that you are dismissing that illegal online communication offences have nothing to do with porn addiction is again extremely disrespectful & offensive just like you dismissed porn addiction completely in your now deleted posts is extremely disrespectful and offensive
You do not know the people personally who committed the online communication offences that you are clearly claiming have nothing to do with porn addiction to make such a disrespectful & offensive statement so you do not have the first clue why there porn addiction escalated into illegal online communication offences
Every offender offender for different reasons not all are attracted to children and not all have a porn addiction none of us on here who's partner or family members have offended have done anything wrong the fact that you blatantly inferred we are as bad as the offender is wrong on so many levels and again extremely disrespectful & offensive
You do not know the people personally who committed the online communication offences that you are clearly claiming have nothing to do with porn addiction to make such a disrespectful & offensive statement so you do not have the first clue why there porn addiction escalated into illegal online communication offences
Every offender offender for different reasons not all are attracted to children and not all have a porn addiction none of us on here who's partner or family members have offended have done anything wrong the fact that you blatantly inferred we are as bad as the offender is wrong on so many levels and again extremely disrespectful & offensive
Hello Forum Users,
We have noticed that there has been a thread over the weekend which has led to several reports being made and many individuals highlighting concerns regarding what has been said by various members. I would like to reach out and apologise to anyone who has felt judged, unsupported or uncomfortable during this period as this is not the aim of the forum.
I would like to highlight that this forum is moderated daily. However, it is only moderated on working days meaning this concern has only come to our attention today. I understand that this may have caused several people distress but as a small but very busy charity we do not have the capacity to moderate this forum over the weekend or outside of working hours. We have tried our best over the years to offer a supportive and safe environment where individuals can access peer support. The aim of this platform is for you to support each other through difficult times. Although we are able to intervene when individuals have not been able to access support, or when conversations might be breaching the terms & conditions, in general we believe the best support and advice is gained from each other.
I know several concerns have been raised regarding differences in opinion or situation. I think it is imperative to remember that no matter where you are in your journey, whether you choose to stay, leave or still do not know, the forum should be a place where you can access non-judgemental support from each other. It is only natural that people’s opinion may vary, and it is important that we accept there will be differences and focus on the support that is needed for that individual as well as yourself. It may be helpful to highlight, as we do on the helpline and within groups we facilitate, that anyone who has committed this type of offence has their own pathways to offending. This is unique to each person and for some people pornography addiction may play a role to how this behaviour has happened, although this is not the case for everyone. As we discuss with the men in our Inform Plus programme although pornography addiction may play a role it is not a justification for this behaviour, but understanding the role pornography addiction may play is important in being able to move forwards in managing future risks. However, I would like to note that this is not an important factor for every person who has committed offences online.
We recognise that ‘Understanding Why’ is an important aspect for some people in order to be able to move forwards. Unfortunately, the answers to these questions can sometimes be complex and vary for each person, so we encourage you to recognise that these differences in experiences and opinions are okay, but it is important to discuss them in a supportive way.
I hope that following this discussion we are able to recognise that it is okay to have different opinions on what may lead to offending behaviour, and what someone chooses to do following the knock. This journey is very difficult for all of you and it would be a shame for anyone to feel like they could not reach out for support on this forum. If you would like to discuss any of these concerns further then please do not hesitate to contact our anonymous and confidential helpline on 0808 1000 900 or via email https://contactus.stopitnow.org.uk/
It is important to us that you all feel able to access supportive, empathetic and non-judgmental peer support to help you along this journey.
Take care,
Lucy
We have noticed that there has been a thread over the weekend which has led to several reports being made and many individuals highlighting concerns regarding what has been said by various members. I would like to reach out and apologise to anyone who has felt judged, unsupported or uncomfortable during this period as this is not the aim of the forum.
I would like to highlight that this forum is moderated daily. However, it is only moderated on working days meaning this concern has only come to our attention today. I understand that this may have caused several people distress but as a small but very busy charity we do not have the capacity to moderate this forum over the weekend or outside of working hours. We have tried our best over the years to offer a supportive and safe environment where individuals can access peer support. The aim of this platform is for you to support each other through difficult times. Although we are able to intervene when individuals have not been able to access support, or when conversations might be breaching the terms & conditions, in general we believe the best support and advice is gained from each other.
I know several concerns have been raised regarding differences in opinion or situation. I think it is imperative to remember that no matter where you are in your journey, whether you choose to stay, leave or still do not know, the forum should be a place where you can access non-judgemental support from each other. It is only natural that people’s opinion may vary, and it is important that we accept there will be differences and focus on the support that is needed for that individual as well as yourself. It may be helpful to highlight, as we do on the helpline and within groups we facilitate, that anyone who has committed this type of offence has their own pathways to offending. This is unique to each person and for some people pornography addiction may play a role to how this behaviour has happened, although this is not the case for everyone. As we discuss with the men in our Inform Plus programme although pornography addiction may play a role it is not a justification for this behaviour, but understanding the role pornography addiction may play is important in being able to move forwards in managing future risks. However, I would like to note that this is not an important factor for every person who has committed offences online.
We recognise that ‘Understanding Why’ is an important aspect for some people in order to be able to move forwards. Unfortunately, the answers to these questions can sometimes be complex and vary for each person, so we encourage you to recognise that these differences in experiences and opinions are okay, but it is important to discuss them in a supportive way.
I hope that following this discussion we are able to recognise that it is okay to have different opinions on what may lead to offending behaviour, and what someone chooses to do following the knock. This journey is very difficult for all of you and it would be a shame for anyone to feel like they could not reach out for support on this forum. If you would like to discuss any of these concerns further then please do not hesitate to contact our anonymous and confidential helpline on 0808 1000 900 or via email https://contactus.stopitnow.org.uk/
It is important to us that you all feel able to access supportive, empathetic and non-judgmental peer support to help you along this journey.
Take care,
Lucy
I was one of the people who wasn't offended by Yellowhouse's posts .I will repeat that -they were not offensive to me -she did not decry anyone whose partner had offended .If you look back at some of the posts that she responded to- the person who originally posted was very happy with her advice and suggestions .I believe that a post may have been misinterpretated by someone and then came this huge backlash -which was unwarranted .Yellowhouse did not say anything about porn addiction -the original thread was about communication offence -she talked about that .
Porn addiction was brought into the thread by someone else and then it began to have a life of it's own . Some people seem to think that understanding an offender's addiction to porn is paramount . I don't .Neither do I subscribe to the view that offenders are good men who have done a bad thing ,over and over and over again . We don't have to have the same views -we can all hold different views .Yellowhouse has been nothing but nice to you all and many of you have been very abusive towards her .
Porn addiction was brought into the thread by someone else and then it began to have a life of it's own . Some people seem to think that understanding an offender's addiction to porn is paramount . I don't .Neither do I subscribe to the view that offenders are good men who have done a bad thing ,over and over and over again . We don't have to have the same views -we can all hold different views .Yellowhouse has been nothing but nice to you all and many of you have been very abusive towards her .
Richie, please please reread your posts! I missed an earlier one aimed at me!
I can assure you that we have spent thousands of pounds on Therapist's and psychologists in order to unravel my husbands behaviour. I can only speak of my experience, as of course can you. I would not dream of telling you that your views are wrong, that your experiences are not valid, so why should you tell me mine are? This is so unkind. I try to help others, with 'my' experiences. We cannot and should not come out with blanket statements and judgements. You may have been manipulated, I don't know, but I wasn't. I was lied to and cheated on. That overstepped my boundaries. We will not remain a couple. But I want to understand what happened to him, and me. in order to move on and be able to trust people. To successfully do that requires an open mind.
I can assure you that we have spent thousands of pounds on Therapist's and psychologists in order to unravel my husbands behaviour. I can only speak of my experience, as of course can you. I would not dream of telling you that your views are wrong, that your experiences are not valid, so why should you tell me mine are? This is so unkind. I try to help others, with 'my' experiences. We cannot and should not come out with blanket statements and judgements. You may have been manipulated, I don't know, but I wasn't. I was lied to and cheated on. That overstepped my boundaries. We will not remain a couple. But I want to understand what happened to him, and me. in order to move on and be able to trust people. To successfully do that requires an open mind.
Blame the sin and not the sinner!!
Rockie
just because yellowhouse did not offend you does not mean she didn't offend others. I have never minimised this crime or forgot about the child victims and did not appreciate being told I was no better than the offender. Most of her posts have been deleted because she knew she had stepped over the line.
I have been on here over two years and have never experienced this judgement and unkindness for staying. I will be another one leaving this forum which is a shame because I like to feel that I can help someone going through this nightmare. That I can give something back for the support I have received.
It is not much to ask for kindness. Everyone does what is right for them.
just because yellowhouse did not offend you does not mean she didn't offend others. I have never minimised this crime or forgot about the child victims and did not appreciate being told I was no better than the offender. Most of her posts have been deleted because she knew she had stepped over the line.
I have been on here over two years and have never experienced this judgement and unkindness for staying. I will be another one leaving this forum which is a shame because I like to feel that I can help someone going through this nightmare. That I can give something back for the support I have received.
It is not much to ask for kindness. Everyone does what is right for them.
Gosh.
How awful for new users to come across this whole post as their first encounter with the forum!
Personally, having not been involved in this conversation and not wanting to be I'd like to see the whole thread removed or just ignored and let it slide down.
There are plenty of places to go for a debate/argument this isn't what I signed up to the forum for.
I think I'm taking a break as this isn't the supportive place I hoped for. We all have our own very personal battles to fight.
How awful for new users to come across this whole post as their first encounter with the forum!
Personally, having not been involved in this conversation and not wanting to be I'd like to see the whole thread removed or just ignored and let it slide down.
There are plenty of places to go for a debate/argument this isn't what I signed up to the forum for.
I think I'm taking a break as this isn't the supportive place I hoped for. We all have our own very personal battles to fight.
Very much wish I could undelete my posts.
I categorically did not, and would never, state, or imply that I believe an NOP is 'as bad as the offender'.
I did not mention vigilante groups.
I deleted my posts, through the entire site, because I felt attacked, and somehow felt having shared my experience then left me exposed and vulnerable.
I also deleted them in an attempt to shut this down, because it had turned pretty nasty.
I categorically did not, and would never, state, or imply that I believe an NOP is 'as bad as the offender'.
I did not mention vigilante groups.
I deleted my posts, through the entire site, because I felt attacked, and somehow felt having shared my experience then left me exposed and vulnerable.
I also deleted them in an attempt to shut this down, because it had turned pretty nasty.
Hi
i echo the above post but I'd add that yellow houses post came across that she was treating ladies who decided to stay in the same way she would treat an offender. I think yellow house and anyone else posting should bear in mind that the ladies on here have done no wrong and should not be judged in the way they were by them posts.Had the posts not been deleted and newbies read them they would have come across as very judgmental and in some cases, put the newbie off posting here for support which then defeats the purpose of this forum.
I was very offended by the posts because I'm a mother who has stood by my son as my post above tells you. Yellow house came across that we should all be disowning our relatives the moment they commit this crime. I could not and would not disown my son. He did wrong by talking to a teenager online. There's no doubt about that in my mind but does the fact he had been talking to a teenager online with her parents blessing mean I should have disowned my son? I don't think so!!!!
my son, came to his senses that he was doing wrong and cut contact with the teenager. At that point the parents reported it to the police and my son was charged with a communication offence. He is now serving his punishment and I will be standing by him and supporting him to rebuild his life regardless of what anyone thinks about me. I actually think Lee should come back on the site and stick it out because her advice and support on this forum is invaluable to so many women on here. She should ignore the idiotic and ignorant comments of one person and come back and do what she does best, help the new and old on this forum who have openly said they wouldn't have gotten through the process without the support of her as well as others on the forum.
no doubt I'll belated for standing by my son but as I keep saying, I don't give two tosses what anyone thinks about me standing by my son x
i echo the above post but I'd add that yellow houses post came across that she was treating ladies who decided to stay in the same way she would treat an offender. I think yellow house and anyone else posting should bear in mind that the ladies on here have done no wrong and should not be judged in the way they were by them posts.Had the posts not been deleted and newbies read them they would have come across as very judgmental and in some cases, put the newbie off posting here for support which then defeats the purpose of this forum.
I was very offended by the posts because I'm a mother who has stood by my son as my post above tells you. Yellow house came across that we should all be disowning our relatives the moment they commit this crime. I could not and would not disown my son. He did wrong by talking to a teenager online. There's no doubt about that in my mind but does the fact he had been talking to a teenager online with her parents blessing mean I should have disowned my son? I don't think so!!!!
my son, came to his senses that he was doing wrong and cut contact with the teenager. At that point the parents reported it to the police and my son was charged with a communication offence. He is now serving his punishment and I will be standing by him and supporting him to rebuild his life regardless of what anyone thinks about me. I actually think Lee should come back on the site and stick it out because her advice and support on this forum is invaluable to so many women on here. She should ignore the idiotic and ignorant comments of one person and come back and do what she does best, help the new and old on this forum who have openly said they wouldn't have gotten through the process without the support of her as well as others on the forum.
no doubt I'll belated for standing by my son but as I keep saying, I don't give two tosses what anyone thinks about me standing by my son x
Rockie
Yellowhouse was the one who brought the Porn addiction Into when she mentioned about falling down the rabbit hole and not subscribing to that the down the rabbit hole thread was about how some of the men have a porn addiction and then to say those who stay forget about the children involved and we are no better then the offenders is extremely disrespectful and offensive to those who stayed so yes was judging others wether she realised it or not Then to say that a porn addiction has nothing to do with communication offences is disrespectful and offensive too porn addicts who find themselves in chat rooms looking for cyber sex that escalates to illegal online communication offences every addict regardless of what addiction they have escalate to try to find the high they got from the first time no two addicts are a like just as no two offenders are a like
Not all the offenders have done it over and over and over again my partner had one online conversation with a decoy & nothing else he did not do it over and over and over again and while I'm disgusted in what he did I know him and I know despite your opinion he is a good person he would do anything for anyone & he is disgusted in his own actions and is doing everything he can to turn his life around
wether you found Yellowhouse comments offensive or not is your choice there are a number of women who either stayed or left but still support there love one who did find her comments extremely offensive & disrespectful
Yellowhouse was the one who brought the Porn addiction Into when she mentioned about falling down the rabbit hole and not subscribing to that the down the rabbit hole thread was about how some of the men have a porn addiction and then to say those who stay forget about the children involved and we are no better then the offenders is extremely disrespectful and offensive to those who stayed so yes was judging others wether she realised it or not Then to say that a porn addiction has nothing to do with communication offences is disrespectful and offensive too porn addicts who find themselves in chat rooms looking for cyber sex that escalates to illegal online communication offences every addict regardless of what addiction they have escalate to try to find the high they got from the first time no two addicts are a like just as no two offenders are a like
Not all the offenders have done it over and over and over again my partner had one online conversation with a decoy & nothing else he did not do it over and over and over again and while I'm disgusted in what he did I know him and I know despite your opinion he is a good person he would do anything for anyone & he is disgusted in his own actions and is doing everything he can to turn his life around
wether you found Yellowhouse comments offensive or not is your choice there are a number of women who either stayed or left but still support there love one who did find her comments extremely offensive & disrespectful
I agree, it's not much to ask for kindness. And you should not have to subscribe to one narrative only to find it. Hence why 'Steli' (and others) did leave this forum. Without drama, they just quietly left. I wonder how many others have done the same?
Bullying is not ok. And I think that's why Rockie and I are still here fighting a fight we don't want to be fighting. I certainly don't wish to be here anymore, simply to have abuse thrown at me and to be accused of saying things I did not say. But equally, there needs to be some balance here, and women who come on here with a difference experience to you, need to find support, too.
Bullying is not ok. And I think that's why Rockie and I are still here fighting a fight we don't want to be fighting. I certainly don't wish to be here anymore, simply to have abuse thrown at me and to be accused of saying things I did not say. But equally, there needs to be some balance here, and women who come on here with a difference experience to you, need to find support, too.
I say, with honesty, I am sorry if I have ever said anything that has offended anybody. I do not want to do battle with anyone, regardless of their views. I try hard to treat everyone with respect.
I am finding this so hard. On the one hand, I sort of want to ignore it in the hope it will stop. But on the other, I feel compelled to correct all the comments saying I said things I didn't say! So just to respond to a post above:
I did not say, and I would not say, EVER, that someone should 'dis-own' a person accused (or charged, or found guilty of) child sex offences (or any other crime, for that matter!).
Weirdly, and not that I feel very comfortable to share anything about my life on here anymore, I spent this morning arranging therapy for my ex. Shock! I can both support him to get better, AND believe he should be held accountable for this actions, AND have consideration for victims of child abuse AND want to protect my own children.
If your partners, sons, etc. are good, kind men, who got here through porn addiction, have had therapy and been honest with you, are taking responsibility, etc etc etc, then I am really, really happy for you. And I hope society can leave you to move forwards with your lives, in a positive way.
(Edited to add: happy for you that you have one of the best possible scenarios, because, of course, no one would wish for anyone to be on this journey at all)
It would be great if you could also recognise that not everyone is in the same scenario as you.
I did not say, and I would not say, EVER, that someone should 'dis-own' a person accused (or charged, or found guilty of) child sex offences (or any other crime, for that matter!).
Weirdly, and not that I feel very comfortable to share anything about my life on here anymore, I spent this morning arranging therapy for my ex. Shock! I can both support him to get better, AND believe he should be held accountable for this actions, AND have consideration for victims of child abuse AND want to protect my own children.
If your partners, sons, etc. are good, kind men, who got here through porn addiction, have had therapy and been honest with you, are taking responsibility, etc etc etc, then I am really, really happy for you. And I hope society can leave you to move forwards with your lives, in a positive way.
(Edited to add: happy for you that you have one of the best possible scenarios, because, of course, no one would wish for anyone to be on this journey at all)
It would be great if you could also recognise that not everyone is in the same scenario as you.
Hello Forum Users,
We would like to let you know that we have decided to not allow any further posts on this thread.
This is because we believe it is no longer a helpful thread for forum users who are seeking / needing support. We understand that individuals have different opinions and that this should be a space for people to voice those opinions in a non-judgemental way. However, it seems that now individuals have had some time to discuss their differentiating opinions that continuing these discussions on this thread may no longer be helpful for other forum users.
We are concerned that others who need support at this time might be hesitant to try and access support via this forum after having read through the posts in this thread, and we want the forum to remain welcoming so that it can continue to support those who need it.
We would also like to let you know that the purpose of the recent evaluation, that some of you have participated in, is to review the forum and ways in which we can make the forum a better place for our users to receive support. Thank you to those who have participated in this evaluation and contributed in helping us develop the forum further.
We would also like to note that we have received some reports on some of the posts above. Unfortunately, these reports are made to us anonymously, so we are unable to see your contact details and reply to these individually. However, we would like to let you know that we have read these and we take all reports seriously and take these into consideration when moderating the forum daily.
If you would like to discuss any of these concerns further then please do not hesitate to contact our Stop It Now! helpline on 0808 1000 900 or via our secure messaging service https://contactus.stopitnow.org.uk/.
Take care,
Lucy
We would like to let you know that we have decided to not allow any further posts on this thread.
This is because we believe it is no longer a helpful thread for forum users who are seeking / needing support. We understand that individuals have different opinions and that this should be a space for people to voice those opinions in a non-judgemental way. However, it seems that now individuals have had some time to discuss their differentiating opinions that continuing these discussions on this thread may no longer be helpful for other forum users.
We are concerned that others who need support at this time might be hesitant to try and access support via this forum after having read through the posts in this thread, and we want the forum to remain welcoming so that it can continue to support those who need it.
We would also like to let you know that the purpose of the recent evaluation, that some of you have participated in, is to review the forum and ways in which we can make the forum a better place for our users to receive support. Thank you to those who have participated in this evaluation and contributed in helping us develop the forum further.
We would also like to note that we have received some reports on some of the posts above. Unfortunately, these reports are made to us anonymously, so we are unable to see your contact details and reply to these individually. However, we would like to let you know that we have read these and we take all reports seriously and take these into consideration when moderating the forum daily.
If you would like to discuss any of these concerns further then please do not hesitate to contact our Stop It Now! helpline on 0808 1000 900 or via our secure messaging service https://contactus.stopitnow.org.uk/.
Take care,
Lucy
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