Never understand.
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I left. I tried so hard to understand the reasons such as the rabbit hole or porn addiction and that it didn't mean he was attracted to children but ultimately I couldn't get passed the fact that he had repeatedly looked at images of children being abused for years. That was his choice.
It nearly destroyed me to see the man I loved so much in that state and his attempted suicide but I couldn't live with what he had done.
Dealings with the police and social services has left me traumatised even though they were all lovely to me. I know not everyone is as lucky. Over a year of supervised contact was soul destroying for me and my children.
I isolated myself to avoid telling as many lies. Disgusts me that I had to lie to my friends because of him.
We had a great life, or so I thought. Just about to have time to ourselves with lots of plans as children grew up. He took my future away and worse still he has taken my past because I can't bear to think of how happy we were , or so I thought, and know it was all based on lies. He's stolen what were happy memories with my children because they are tainted by his presence.
It's worse that bereavement. Having to grieve for the loss of someone you love with no funeral, or sympathy and having to tells lies about why you have split up. To grieve alone in secret is almost unbearable..Some days I'm not sure that I'll make it.
After 3 years I still think about him all the time and try to make sense of it all. I know I'll never stop wondering what he was thinking about when we were in bed together and what his thoughts were about my children. I don't think he thought of them that way but I'll never be 100% certain and they say they feel the same. That makes me feel sick. My children are his victims too. They feel violated by the man I brought into their lives and who they loved and although I know it isn't my fault I will never forgive myself for that.
I have to be strong and try to support my kids who hate him with a passion but I will never move on from this. My life is an act. I pretend I'm okay. I have no plans. I have no hope. I have no joy. I just survive.
Leaving is very lonely.
It nearly destroyed me to see the man I loved so much in that state and his attempted suicide but I couldn't live with what he had done.
Dealings with the police and social services has left me traumatised even though they were all lovely to me. I know not everyone is as lucky. Over a year of supervised contact was soul destroying for me and my children.
I isolated myself to avoid telling as many lies. Disgusts me that I had to lie to my friends because of him.
We had a great life, or so I thought. Just about to have time to ourselves with lots of plans as children grew up. He took my future away and worse still he has taken my past because I can't bear to think of how happy we were , or so I thought, and know it was all based on lies. He's stolen what were happy memories with my children because they are tainted by his presence.
It's worse that bereavement. Having to grieve for the loss of someone you love with no funeral, or sympathy and having to tells lies about why you have split up. To grieve alone in secret is almost unbearable..Some days I'm not sure that I'll make it.
After 3 years I still think about him all the time and try to make sense of it all. I know I'll never stop wondering what he was thinking about when we were in bed together and what his thoughts were about my children. I don't think he thought of them that way but I'll never be 100% certain and they say they feel the same. That makes me feel sick. My children are his victims too. They feel violated by the man I brought into their lives and who they loved and although I know it isn't my fault I will never forgive myself for that.
I have to be strong and try to support my kids who hate him with a passion but I will never move on from this. My life is an act. I pretend I'm okay. I have no plans. I have no hope. I have no joy. I just survive.
Leaving is very lonely.
Becky I will reply to you later, because I want to reply properly and can't right now. In the meantime, I am sending you love and letting you know you are not alone xx
I'm so sorry Beccy. I just want to send you a big hug. I hope in time you will find more peace in your life. Xxx
I'm so sorry Beccie. I totally understand how you are feeling. I feel the same. It's like my husband died, but I was not able to mourn him. No funeral, no celebration of his life, no looking back at memories with fondness.
My husband was live-streamed by vigilantes, on arranging to meet a 13yr old girl. So straight away everyone knew, Ww were both judged, I was watched. It was terrifying. He left home, lost his job. I was alone.
We were married for a long time. Everyone thought we ere the perfect couple. I thought we were too. We'd battled challenges together, childlessness, his toxic family etc, but we had successful careers, a great life. Looking to our retirement, plans for the future....all gone! But he wasn't happy, and was self medicating in unacceptable way.
He has had lots of therapy, I have too. For different reasons of course. I don't see a life with him now. I don't respect him. I don't admire how he left me to cope with the fallout. But....I do still care about him. I had to find a place that feels right for me. What feels right to me, at the moment, is for me to support him to get better, to get though prison, (yes, one conversation and arranging to meet, no illegal images, no other illegal conversations...harsh), so we can come to a place of peace and individually move forward.
You have to do what is right for you. As we all do. Take care xx
My husband was live-streamed by vigilantes, on arranging to meet a 13yr old girl. So straight away everyone knew, Ww were both judged, I was watched. It was terrifying. He left home, lost his job. I was alone.
We were married for a long time. Everyone thought we ere the perfect couple. I thought we were too. We'd battled challenges together, childlessness, his toxic family etc, but we had successful careers, a great life. Looking to our retirement, plans for the future....all gone! But he wasn't happy, and was self medicating in unacceptable way.
He has had lots of therapy, I have too. For different reasons of course. I don't see a life with him now. I don't respect him. I don't admire how he left me to cope with the fallout. But....I do still care about him. I had to find a place that feels right for me. What feels right to me, at the moment, is for me to support him to get better, to get though prison, (yes, one conversation and arranging to meet, no illegal images, no other illegal conversations...harsh), so we can come to a place of peace and individually move forward.
You have to do what is right for you. As we all do. Take care xx
Thanks for your kind words. They make me feel a little bit less alone x
There are many of us who lost the feeling of stability, safety, and plans for future ( a comfortable retirement together inmy case). All gone within 3 days in my case. It tookme 3 days to realise what was really happening.
It was my 16 yo daughter who discovered that her dad was having regular sexual chats with minors, when I was at work. In my case there's no going back. I work for social services. I reported him and he got arrested. My work is affected , fortunately I can still work. Had MASH referral made twice about safety of my daughter. It just had been unbearable.
I am during divorce proceedings, just applied for decree nisi. I just want a closure and let it go.
It was my 16 yo daughter who discovered that her dad was having regular sexual chats with minors, when I was at work. In my case there's no going back. I work for social services. I reported him and he got arrested. My work is affected , fortunately I can still work. Had MASH referral made twice about safety of my daughter. It just had been unbearable.
I am during divorce proceedings, just applied for decree nisi. I just want a closure and let it go.
Hi Beccy
I totally understand how you feel. Unfortunately it was my son who was caught and convicted for having and distributing this horrific images. He is due to come out of prison soon but I can't bring myself to support him when he comes out. This part of his journey he has to do alone, I still love him but he needs professional help.
I have so many questions still and even though the support workers at Stop it Now have been amazing I just can't get past the lies etc. I have a teenage daughter who is broken over this - she idolised her big brother but now she has no self confidence and struggles to go to school.
The far reaching consequences of what he had become addicted to are so painful and I just can't seem to get over it. I, like you, put on a brave face but ill never get over it. I have had to say I cannot be there for him because of my own mental health and my daughter's. It sounds terrible but I remember saying to him that it would have been easier if he died.
He not only has ruined his life but also ours. I wish I could forgive him but I really can't. Don't ever feel like you are alone because you aren't.
I remember when the police came to our house and took him away and I still feel physically sick if a police car comes into our street (which doesn't happen often). I often wonder if moving away is the answer but as so many of my friends have said - this is not our shame.
You, me and lots of other parents/partners will get through this. There is no right or wrong way to feel.
If it had not been for Stop it Now we would have just been left to try and deal with everything on our own. My daughter and I feel like we were sentenced too and there is no support for families of offenders, who, for the most part are victims of the offender's choices too.
Keep strong, there will be light at the end of the tunnel, it just feels like a long tunnel just now. X
I totally understand how you feel. Unfortunately it was my son who was caught and convicted for having and distributing this horrific images. He is due to come out of prison soon but I can't bring myself to support him when he comes out. This part of his journey he has to do alone, I still love him but he needs professional help.
I have so many questions still and even though the support workers at Stop it Now have been amazing I just can't get past the lies etc. I have a teenage daughter who is broken over this - she idolised her big brother but now she has no self confidence and struggles to go to school.
The far reaching consequences of what he had become addicted to are so painful and I just can't seem to get over it. I, like you, put on a brave face but ill never get over it. I have had to say I cannot be there for him because of my own mental health and my daughter's. It sounds terrible but I remember saying to him that it would have been easier if he died.
He not only has ruined his life but also ours. I wish I could forgive him but I really can't. Don't ever feel like you are alone because you aren't.
I remember when the police came to our house and took him away and I still feel physically sick if a police car comes into our street (which doesn't happen often). I often wonder if moving away is the answer but as so many of my friends have said - this is not our shame.
You, me and lots of other parents/partners will get through this. There is no right or wrong way to feel.
If it had not been for Stop it Now we would have just been left to try and deal with everything on our own. My daughter and I feel like we were sentenced too and there is no support for families of offenders, who, for the most part are victims of the offender's choices too.
Keep strong, there will be light at the end of the tunnel, it just feels like a long tunnel just now. X
Annka 121.
I hope that your divorce brings you the closure that we all need.
I think that's the issue with me that I can't get that closure. We weren't married so there is no divorce, which in one way is easier because I don't have that to cope with the trauma of that too but in another it's like there is unfinished business. How can years of a relationship just end.
Once he was forced into admitting he was guilty there was nothing. No reasons, no explanations, no timescales. The only info I had was very limited from the police. They told me the period he was convicted of doing it but suggested that he had been doing it for longer but they didn't know how much longer. I need to know if he was doing it before he met me.
I hope that we both find the closure we need. Look after yourself x
I hope that your divorce brings you the closure that we all need.
I think that's the issue with me that I can't get that closure. We weren't married so there is no divorce, which in one way is easier because I don't have that to cope with the trauma of that too but in another it's like there is unfinished business. How can years of a relationship just end.
Once he was forced into admitting he was guilty there was nothing. No reasons, no explanations, no timescales. The only info I had was very limited from the police. They told me the period he was convicted of doing it but suggested that he had been doing it for longer but they didn't know how much longer. I need to know if he was doing it before he met me.
I hope that we both find the closure we need. Look after yourself x
Jenny,
I know what you mean about feeling sick. Every time I see a police car in my street or there's a knock on my door or my phone rings I feel sick and panicky.
How awful it must be for it be your son. Of course you still love him but you do need to put yourself and your daughter first. One of my children has such anger and rage that it frightens me about the future.
Does your daughter have anyone to confide in apart from you so she can express her feelings?
I sometimes wonder if it would have been better if he suicide attempt was successful and that makes me feel horrendously guilty and then angry that he has made me think such awful things. I have no contact but know that apart from probation etc his life is pretty much like it was before we met. Didn't make the media, he's still at work and I doubt he has told anyone.
In one way lockdown has been great because I have been in a protected bubble but I'm now scared about having to go back out and face people. In another way lockdown has prevented me from trying to move on in anyway.
It makes me so angry that his actions and lies have been so destructive to my life but that he will never get to know the devastation he has caused. He may have had to face upto looking at the images but he is never going to have to face what he's done to me and my children.
Sending hugs to you and your daughter. I hope she manages to get self confidence back. Xx
I know what you mean about feeling sick. Every time I see a police car in my street or there's a knock on my door or my phone rings I feel sick and panicky.
How awful it must be for it be your son. Of course you still love him but you do need to put yourself and your daughter first. One of my children has such anger and rage that it frightens me about the future.
Does your daughter have anyone to confide in apart from you so she can express her feelings?
I sometimes wonder if it would have been better if he suicide attempt was successful and that makes me feel horrendously guilty and then angry that he has made me think such awful things. I have no contact but know that apart from probation etc his life is pretty much like it was before we met. Didn't make the media, he's still at work and I doubt he has told anyone.
In one way lockdown has been great because I have been in a protected bubble but I'm now scared about having to go back out and face people. In another way lockdown has prevented me from trying to move on in anyway.
It makes me so angry that his actions and lies have been so destructive to my life but that he will never get to know the devastation he has caused. He may have had to face upto looking at the images but he is never going to have to face what he's done to me and my children.
Sending hugs to you and your daughter. I hope she manages to get self confidence back. Xx