Family and Friends Forum

Just need some advice as I feel so lost and broken! My husband whom I've had to separate from got convicted of 15 images back in Oct 2016 and put on register for 5 years. I was 7 months pregnant when i found out and it bought lots of stress and hurt!! We decided to work through it and as got involved and were efficient and I supervised the contact yet wasnt initially allowed to stay in our home overnight. We got onto planning overnight stays and then I moved home to a different county and putting it simply they ripped us apart. We both got sent on courses. Put on local authority supervised visits and I was then granted supervision but despite all this they said said my husband would never be allowed to live with us?! Until my daughter was 16! Is this standard? They threatened me with court proceedings if I wanted to still be with him and I was so scared they would take my daughter away. His report concluded he was no threat to her. Should I seek legal advice? I just feel totally bullied and pushed into giving up on my family. Please tell me your situations.

Hi Vampy, I’m sorry to hear of your recent troubles. In one word most devinately - YES - get legal advice asap. The approach to these offences by social services vary so much. Someone here with children will give you advice and we can all support you. But you need face to face legal advice where there’s been any threats of court. Unfortunately social services do have lots of power but fortunately they need clear evidence of risk of significant harm.

Keep calm, see a solicitor. The Family Rights Group are also a good organisation for supporting parents. You can look them up on the internet.



Best of luck

Jaded

Hi. I don’t know where to turn. For the last week I have been walking about in a daze and nobody to talk too.

My husband of 19years has just been arrested for explicit images on his phone which he claims were from a chat room he visited twice. He said only twice because it was full of weirdos.

Im ashamed, heartbroken and hurt as to why he visited this so called site in the first place. Blaming myself. I don’t know if I can sit in his interview with the liaison officer group. I don’t know what to expect apart from the worse. Nobody is telling me anything. I only came across this site via a leaflet that was given to him.

He is not talking to me and said he feels really stupid and sorry and has been totally honest with the questions the police and had the duty solicitor with him. They have taken his mobile and our laptops.

I just feel at a loss with nowhere to turn. I have gone back onto my anti depressants which I haven’t taken for about 6 years. And have an appointment with a one to one councillor.

Please help!

Hi poster


Thank you. I definitely don’t feel strong. I’m trying so hard not to fall apart and stay strong for my children even though they are older 22 and 20. But at the end of the day he’s their dad. He does feel remorseful and stupid.

He doesn’t want me to go to the first meeting but I just don’t want to have any surprises flung at me if and when it goes to court. I just want to know what is to come. Am I wrong to demand to go if I can? Can I ring and ask to go even if he doesn’t want me too?

Sorry I probably sound sound so naive!

Thank you poster. Like I said I’ve only just found this Forum. I will have a good read through and hopefully have some light shed and i’ll Ring the liaison officer and ask if I’m allowed to go to the meeting.

Thank you for your help so far. I don’t feel so alone now. After all it’s not a thing you can chat to friends and neighbours. Lol well not yet anyway!

i will let you know how I get on.

x

Hi Anxious,

i second poster's reply. I’ve not heard of this liaison meeting? What is it and with who? Can you tell us more about that?



Jaded

Good morning everyone

The liaison meeting is done via NHS as my husband suffers from depression after his father died 3 years ago. The actual name of the people is Hampshire Liaison and Diversion Service. I don’t know what it’s about until tomorrow as he has a meeting at 3pm. They got in contact with him after his arrest. I rang them this morning and they said I was allowed to sit in and listen to what they say to him. The leaflet was given to him along with Lucy Faithfull one.

Apart from that I don’t know anything else, but when I do and after the meeting I will let you all know too.

Anxious

The nhs liason and diversion team in our area where amazing. They have offered so much support and help. I went to a couple of meetings with my husband but mostly that was a service of support for him. I hope you both find them useful and get the help you need. Of all the people we have dealt with the most support and helpful and been this team.

Hi...

My Boyfriend was arrested on Friday for the possession of indecent images and they have taken all of his electronics which from reading this site is normal but when he was asked if he wanted anyone contacted he said no so I can’t even hand in any magazines or clothes for court for him!



we don’t have any children which I suppose is a good thing but I do have a Bruce who is almost 3 that I see when I’m off (our days off don’t correspond a lot as we work shifts)

im just so hurt and sad but I’ve had the weekend to process it and read through this site and I think i could work through it with him if he gets the help he needs and learns his lesson but I’m worried about what other people will think like my sister has to be notified because of the tot obviously and I’m scared of what they’ll now think of him. I love my family especially my niece but I also love him and I can’t just turn that off.



is there a light at the end I the tunnel for us?

Sorry to hear you are going through this. It's a very difficult thing to process. Before you make any decisions about the future you need to find out more about whats happened and why. The decision to stand by a partner or leave is a very difficult one, and it's a decision you do not have to make right now. I would recommend calling the stop it now helpline when they are open, they are great for advice. It's your decision if you tell your sister but I think if you regularly look after your niece you may want to tell her so that she doesnt hear it from someone else and you can have some support (only you know if telling your sister is a good idea or not, you may think waiting till you know more is best). Are you able to talk to him about it?

Lee

this sounds so awful for you, just hang fire, be honest, you’ve nothing to hide and hopefully it will all be over, they have to treat all suspects this way for the safety of the children, it may take a long time, we’re in month 6 and still waiting whilst having to live apart and having social services involved but if your innocent, fingers crossed you’ll be ok, this site is a great place for support and advice, let your partner know about it too

jb x

Hello Lucy,

i assume you mean family and friends of people who have committed a crime or those who have been ‘alleged’ of such a crime? No one should prejudge the outcome of a court case before all the evidence is heard and a jury convict. Also my husband was acquitted, the case dropped and CPS offered no evidence so in effect he has committed no crime. The effect of being arrested has caused us untold trauma with every agency jumping to immediate conclusions of guilt, a very dangerous assumption going against the principles of the law in the UK. I’ll continue on the forum unless you advise otherwise.

Hi there I didn’t know where to actually put this or where to find advice and support but I find my self here.

2 months ago I split from my fiancé due to her infidelity on multiple occasions, I chose at the time of the separation to telll her that intill she sorted her ways out I would keeping our child with me every night and she could see her when ever but our daughter was always to return at night

this was the norm for 2 months while i new she already started a new relationship with a friend even though she denied it.

But a couple of days ago I was informed by social services that my ex has just been arrested for having sex with a 15 year old pupil of hers that she thought.

And since then I’ve found my self feeling absolutely alone in this whole mess as with no one to turn too

Hi Browny

Sorry to hear your story, it sounds a nightmare and your ex isn't going to get as easy time either.

I would suggest you ring the helpline, they are so good and can offer really great advice.

Also have you seen your gp, it's really worth your while just to let them know what's going on so you are on their horizon, it's so important you look after yourself and stay strong for your daughter.

Keep coming in here, the people on this forum are amazing and will help you

Stay strong xx

My son age 28 has just been arrested for looking at child porn . He has admitted it to the police and wants to seek help . myself and his dad are still in shock we want to support him but have just feel numb

Hi Catherine

I know exactly how you feel.Our son did not look at child porn, he did however have a sexual conversation with a 14 year old girl over the internet. This happened last June and it took until February for it to go to court. He was sentenced to one year in prison which is where he is now.

To say it has been stressful would be to lenient. I have been through every single emotion you could think of and more. I've come to the conclusion that my son was a stupid nieve not and likely did not think of the internet as real life. I think a lot of people do not associate the internet with real life until it's to kate.

Our lives were turned upside down from the day he was arested. Things were made worse by the fact our daughter has a toddler. It's a long story but he's allowed supervised contact with his sister's son when he comes home.

We have chosen as a family to stand by our son but it has not been easy. We are devastated but our son is also devastated at what he's done and what he's out us through.but did not help that the press were all over it like a rash. I'm not saying they shouldn't report such things, I just think they shouldn't print it in such a way that it looks much worse than it is. We had to move away from where we had lived for years simply because of the way the press worded the advert. It was very, very stressful.

On the upside, it gets better. The sickly feeling in your stomach calms right down with time. Over the months you begin to come to terms with your son has either been curious, stupid or nieve. Sometimes you also have to accept the person has an issue and needs help to address his issues.

I can in!t advise that you take time to think about why your son has done what he's done and then decide what you as a family want to do. You and I are fortunate in the respect its not our partners who committed the crime. I've found from stories in here that it can be a much bumpier road if it's your partner and you have chikdren. I feel for every person in this forum. Most men who do this are just ordinary every day men just like my son and yours to. I think that's what shocks most women in here when it hqpoens. The fact you love your son or partner or husband and have been around them for years with no sign of it whatsoever makes it all the more difficult to accept and understand.Please keep losing on here if you need support. This forum is excellent for giving and gaining suoport. God bless to you and yours.

Dear Nicenna

This is us. What you have described. Our son got thirty months and we are going to have to move home. we are also his carers as he is disabled. also having to come to terms that he got thirty months but did not touch any child or meet any child or arrange to meet any child. Purely internet based. He like your son got reality and the iternet mixed up, We are not making excuses for him and what he has done is wrong. But now its turned not just his life upside down but ours as well. The papers were savage and turned a gentle helping lovely person into a monster which he will never be. we are not saying that just because we are his parents. He will never be able to live in his housing association flat again whuch was adapted for his disabilities so we dont know what will happen to him when he gets released. He will have to live in another area miles away will he be homeless and disabled we dont know. and we will have to move near him to continue to be his carers.

oh and the topping on the cake we have children under 14

Hi Angel

i wrote a long reply but it would not post. I will try again tomorrow. In the meantime be assured I know what your going through. My son got a year to serve in prison and two years to serve on the outside under strict rules. Ludicrous for a communication offence that did not involve touching the girl or arranging to meet her. Press made him out terrible which was not the case. He did wrong and had to be taught a lesson but god is this a hard lesson to learn. I see the lesson every visit I make to the prison. Horrendous x

Angel

have you moved yet? Did you stay put when it came out in the paper? We moved long before it came out because we were warned by solicitor it would hit the papers. Fortunately it only went in the local papers back where we had lived. God forbid the hunter people would of been involved. They stream it all over the internet. I’m having to write several small replies as it won’t post the long one x

Also Angel

it must be a huge worry to you that your son is disabled. My son tells me that the staff are quite good here with the disabled prisoners so I hope it’s the same there. I visit my son three times a week and it’s gut wrenching. I leave with a smile to keep his spirits up but the cry all the way home. How has life been if your still living where you always did?is there no way it will die down by the time he comes home and he could stay nearby? How have social services been? They were good with my daughter. They came out once and were happy with how she told them she would protect our grandson when our son comes home. They closed the case and said they’d not be back. I think it’s maybe because it’s not her partner or husband that did it. I think it gets a lot more complicated if it’s your husband or partner. The reality is that husband, son or partner the devastation is the same. Life’s destroyed. I’m in the process of writing a book about the effect this has in the family of offenders. X

Our lives are settling down now but it’s always there. So many people have to pay the price. It’s not just the offender. It’s the offender,mums, dads, uncles, aunts , siblings, grandparents, children, nieces and nephews. They all have to pay the price.

my son is paying the price in prison. He’s locked up 21 hours a day with a man who has commited terrible crimes on children and cant do a thing about it. He also sees many many people high on drugs every day which he finds frightening because he has never done drugs. He would do anything to turn back time and be allowed home but he sadly can’t. It’s done and all we can do is love and support him and make sure he has learned his lesson and never does it again.x