So confused
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After being married to my husband for 28 years I never ever thought I would need the support of such a Web chat.
My knock came at the beginning of March 21. 8 police officers turned my home upside down. They took 1 work phone and 1 personal phone belonging to my husband, all other devices where checked on the day and where cleared. He was taken in for questioning whilst I was left at home hearing from the female police officer what the offence was.
He has been questioned on 4 seperate chats (over the space of 2 months) with a 12year old and 11 year old girl, 1 image was sent of a flaccid penis. There was no mention of wanting to meet up or asking the girls to send images back.
Apparently the police have looked at his personal mobile and have cleared it, however we are still waiting for them to look at his work phone. This is the part I am struggling with. The nature of his work means any electronic devise is heavily protected and screened, the account created to chat to the girls had my husbands name, photo from LinkedIn and his phone number.
He is absolutely denying any involvement in this and thinks his phone has been hacked/cloned. I 100% believe him but my family think I'm being hoodwinked (had to tell my sister as I have under age neices and social care called her). My head is totally all over the place.... How can I have been with someone for so long and not know him????
I'm usually quite a guarded person and I tend to internalise alot but I think I'm going to go mad if I don't talk to someone who has been in a similar position. Has anyone else's partner been questioned on similar charges?
Thank you for reading and hoping to get some constructive advise x
My knock came at the beginning of March 21. 8 police officers turned my home upside down. They took 1 work phone and 1 personal phone belonging to my husband, all other devices where checked on the day and where cleared. He was taken in for questioning whilst I was left at home hearing from the female police officer what the offence was.
He has been questioned on 4 seperate chats (over the space of 2 months) with a 12year old and 11 year old girl, 1 image was sent of a flaccid penis. There was no mention of wanting to meet up or asking the girls to send images back.
Apparently the police have looked at his personal mobile and have cleared it, however we are still waiting for them to look at his work phone. This is the part I am struggling with. The nature of his work means any electronic devise is heavily protected and screened, the account created to chat to the girls had my husbands name, photo from LinkedIn and his phone number.
He is absolutely denying any involvement in this and thinks his phone has been hacked/cloned. I 100% believe him but my family think I'm being hoodwinked (had to tell my sister as I have under age neices and social care called her). My head is totally all over the place.... How can I have been with someone for so long and not know him????
I'm usually quite a guarded person and I tend to internalise alot but I think I'm going to go mad if I don't talk to someone who has been in a similar position. Has anyone else's partner been questioned on similar charges?
Thank you for reading and hoping to get some constructive advise x
Hi MW
im sorry that you have had to come here for advice and support. It's somewhere none of us ever though we would need to visit. It's also somewhere all of us would rather not be but it's a very good place to get the support and advice you need.
my situation is slightly different to yours . My son communicated with a teenager . He got to know her parents on video call etc. He came to his senses and told the girl he was cutting contact with her. At that point her parents reported it to the police . Eight months later my son was sent to prison.
your head will be all over the place at the moment. I'd advise that you call the helpline as I'm told they are very good at talking you through things and advising you on all sorts of things.
You will know your husband better than anyone. Is your gut feeling telling you he's telling you the truth? I know that you can ask him to allow his solicitor to disclose everything they find out to you. I did this with my son because I needed to know if our son was being honest with us about everything or not. He had been honest with us and there were no nasty surprises. Honesty is one of the most important parts of this whole process. The offender needs to hold their hands up to you if hey are guilty because you can't move forward if the honesty is not there.
you need to be mindful of looking after yourself and not just your husband and everyone else in all of this. I did not look after myself and very nearly did something very stupid on a few occasions.
The police always get to the bottom of it in the end. If he's telling the truth the police will investigate and find that out. They will know what IP address this happened from etc. The cps have to prove beyond reasonable doubt so if there's no proof that it was your husband the cps are unlikely to take it further. That said if there is proof then it's usually taken further .
I hope you feel a bit better soon as it all starts to sink in. Take care of yourself for now x
im sorry that you have had to come here for advice and support. It's somewhere none of us ever though we would need to visit. It's also somewhere all of us would rather not be but it's a very good place to get the support and advice you need.
my situation is slightly different to yours . My son communicated with a teenager . He got to know her parents on video call etc. He came to his senses and told the girl he was cutting contact with her. At that point her parents reported it to the police . Eight months later my son was sent to prison.
your head will be all over the place at the moment. I'd advise that you call the helpline as I'm told they are very good at talking you through things and advising you on all sorts of things.
You will know your husband better than anyone. Is your gut feeling telling you he's telling you the truth? I know that you can ask him to allow his solicitor to disclose everything they find out to you. I did this with my son because I needed to know if our son was being honest with us about everything or not. He had been honest with us and there were no nasty surprises. Honesty is one of the most important parts of this whole process. The offender needs to hold their hands up to you if hey are guilty because you can't move forward if the honesty is not there.
you need to be mindful of looking after yourself and not just your husband and everyone else in all of this. I did not look after myself and very nearly did something very stupid on a few occasions.
The police always get to the bottom of it in the end. If he's telling the truth the police will investigate and find that out. They will know what IP address this happened from etc. The cps have to prove beyond reasonable doubt so if there's no proof that it was your husband the cps are unlikely to take it further. That said if there is proof then it's usually taken further .
I hope you feel a bit better soon as it all starts to sink in. Take care of yourself for now x
Hi MW
so sorry to hear that you are going through this. My son too was cautioned over having two iioc pictures on his laptop from a few years ago. He self disclosed to me and the police in Dec 2020, honesty and trust is the most important feature in all of this , in moving forward and like nicenana we didn't have any surprises. My son had told the truth and I respect him for that. But difficult and worrying times shead and I hope all works out well for you
take care of you!
so sorry to hear that you are going through this. My son too was cautioned over having two iioc pictures on his laptop from a few years ago. He self disclosed to me and the police in Dec 2020, honesty and trust is the most important feature in all of this , in moving forward and like nicenana we didn't have any surprises. My son had told the truth and I respect him for that. But difficult and worrying times shead and I hope all works out well for you
take care of you!
Thank you so much for taking the time to reply nicenana, it means so very much.
I 100% believe my husband, and I've told him there is basically nowhere to hide, so lying to me would destroy me even more. We have a strong relationship and can easily talk to each other about it. He has promised that if charges are brought against him, he will let me come to the solicitors appointment so I can see the evidence.
The majority of the time I try to 'just get on with life" (as advice by police and solicitor) but it's so hard when I have no support from my parents or sister, they believe there is "no smoke without fire". We haven't told our daughters yet but know we will have to sooner or later (neither live at home) .
As for an IP address, the police told my husband that they were traced to Stoke and Manchester. Husband has been working from home since covid hit. I've tried to read so much information about ip addresses and are still no clearer.
The messages were sent from a Kik account (husband name, photo and phone number), if the kik app had been downloaded and deleted from the phone could the police find that info? I'm the most un-tech savvy person out there!
Thanks again for your advice xx
I 100% believe my husband, and I've told him there is basically nowhere to hide, so lying to me would destroy me even more. We have a strong relationship and can easily talk to each other about it. He has promised that if charges are brought against him, he will let me come to the solicitors appointment so I can see the evidence.
The majority of the time I try to 'just get on with life" (as advice by police and solicitor) but it's so hard when I have no support from my parents or sister, they believe there is "no smoke without fire". We haven't told our daughters yet but know we will have to sooner or later (neither live at home) .
As for an IP address, the police told my husband that they were traced to Stoke and Manchester. Husband has been working from home since covid hit. I've tried to read so much information about ip addresses and are still no clearer.
The messages were sent from a Kik account (husband name, photo and phone number), if the kik app had been downloaded and deleted from the phone could the police find that info? I'm the most un-tech savvy person out there!
Thanks again for your advice xx
Mw I feel we are in similar situation with family and friends.
my husband too says he hasn't accessed these images he said he was sent a link he clicked on and bought this up which he shut down he said was over a year ago (well 2 now) our knock came 5th nov 2020 and my sisters and best friend have basically charged him as guilty I can't talk to them about it because they say he is messing with my head so I don't tell them I've spoken with him which makes me feel guilty, I really wish the police would help more, since that day neither of us have heard anything, I don't know if that's good or bad or normal
I just want my old life back x
my husband too says he hasn't accessed these images he said he was sent a link he clicked on and bought this up which he shut down he said was over a year ago (well 2 now) our knock came 5th nov 2020 and my sisters and best friend have basically charged him as guilty I can't talk to them about it because they say he is messing with my head so I don't tell them I've spoken with him which makes me feel guilty, I really wish the police would help more, since that day neither of us have heard anything, I don't know if that's good or bad or normal
I just want my old life back x
Mw
hi love. I'm sorry to say I'm in the same situation with hubby being questioned for very very very similar offences. (2 chats with 2 girls. 12 and 13, no meeting up, no pics from them, a few attempts from him to video chat but not connected, he sent pics (not sure how many))
my hubby admitted everything at once and we are now seeking help for him as he has had issues with seeking sexual attention online since he was very young and is an addict. He says this is the first time he has spoken to children online though and only because he didn't think they were that young (I actually think his addiction has got so bad that he just didn't care where the attention came from even though he normally goes for much older women). I also discovered things about abuse in his past as a child which makes it a little easier to understand what has gone wrong in his head.
we only got our knock this week so I can't help too much. But can always keep this thread open for support. From what I understand you are very lucky to have gotten devices cleared so quickly - we have been told to expect a very long wait.
I truly hope your husband is being honest with you and that this will all be over soon. But please feel free to talk on this thread again for support and I will keep an eye out. You could be great support for me too.
oh and yea they would be able to tell IP address of where this happened. Where his phone was at the time (ie does the location of phone match with IP) and they can tell if apps have been installed and deleted.
hi love. I'm sorry to say I'm in the same situation with hubby being questioned for very very very similar offences. (2 chats with 2 girls. 12 and 13, no meeting up, no pics from them, a few attempts from him to video chat but not connected, he sent pics (not sure how many))
my hubby admitted everything at once and we are now seeking help for him as he has had issues with seeking sexual attention online since he was very young and is an addict. He says this is the first time he has spoken to children online though and only because he didn't think they were that young (I actually think his addiction has got so bad that he just didn't care where the attention came from even though he normally goes for much older women). I also discovered things about abuse in his past as a child which makes it a little easier to understand what has gone wrong in his head.
we only got our knock this week so I can't help too much. But can always keep this thread open for support. From what I understand you are very lucky to have gotten devices cleared so quickly - we have been told to expect a very long wait.
I truly hope your husband is being honest with you and that this will all be over soon. But please feel free to talk on this thread again for support and I will keep an eye out. You could be great support for me too.
oh and yea they would be able to tell IP address of where this happened. Where his phone was at the time (ie does the location of phone match with IP) and they can tell if apps have been installed and deleted.
Thank you again for your support ladies xx
Scared Lamb I will of course keep you updated on our case, we do very much sound like we are going through the same!
I have absolutely no support from family members, they think I'm totally blinkered and making a huge mistake by trusting he is telling me the truth. How can I not believe him though after being married for 28years and also knowing he cannot hide from the truth!
I'm now taking mirtazine for anxiety and to help me sleep at night, I think it's helping a little.
The ip address is so confusing to me, he has worked from home since last March so does not travel about and that's why I don't understand how the phone has been linked to 2 seperate ip addresses.
Keep strong and stay in contact xx
Scared Lamb I will of course keep you updated on our case, we do very much sound like we are going through the same!
I have absolutely no support from family members, they think I'm totally blinkered and making a huge mistake by trusting he is telling me the truth. How can I not believe him though after being married for 28years and also knowing he cannot hide from the truth!
I'm now taking mirtazine for anxiety and to help me sleep at night, I think it's helping a little.
The ip address is so confusing to me, he has worked from home since last March so does not travel about and that's why I don't understand how the phone has been linked to 2 seperate ip addresses.
Keep strong and stay in contact xx
Hi MW
We had a similar experience with Kik, images were supposedly shared on a group chat. Neither myself or husband had used the Kik app before. All devices came back clear. Police shook our hands said they didn't find anything but that our IP address was flagged. We have never been able to get an answer on it. It's left me shaken and very angry three years on. From what I hear they will not accept liability easily. If a phone or account was hacked they should be able to tell this. Really hoping you get answers soon.
We had a similar experience with Kik, images were supposedly shared on a group chat. Neither myself or husband had used the Kik app before. All devices came back clear. Police shook our hands said they didn't find anything but that our IP address was flagged. We have never been able to get an answer on it. It's left me shaken and very angry three years on. From what I hear they will not accept liability easily. If a phone or account was hacked they should be able to tell this. Really hoping you get answers soon.
Paris, that fills me with a little hope. However I find it insulting to just get a hand shake or letter in the post to say they are not charging! I think the police must be so de-sensitised from their work that they forget just how much it can destroy families.
I am forever hopeful we get 'hand shake' soon. Husband phoned the pice officer who questioned him on Friday, as it was 3 months since 'the knock' (we were told we would have 3 monthly updates) the call went to answerphone and we still haven't had a call back.
My parents and sister still give me a hard time everytime I see them, which is making me push back and idolate from them. My mum told me that even my in-laws believe he is guilty!! I still believe he is innocent but of course will keep you all updated on any progress.
Thanks again you strong wonderful people xx
I am forever hopeful we get 'hand shake' soon. Husband phoned the pice officer who questioned him on Friday, as it was 3 months since 'the knock' (we were told we would have 3 monthly updates) the call went to answerphone and we still haven't had a call back.
My parents and sister still give me a hard time everytime I see them, which is making me push back and idolate from them. My mum told me that even my in-laws believe he is guilty!! I still believe he is innocent but of course will keep you all updated on any progress.
Thanks again you strong wonderful people xx
Hi MW,
From everything I have seen it is very rare to get an apology. Much more likely to get a call to collect the devices. I am not sure they have any idea of the distress they cause people. But from their point of view they need to investigate so it's all in a days work. Just stay strong and hopefully you will have answers soon.
From everything I have seen it is very rare to get an apology. Much more likely to get a call to collect the devices. I am not sure they have any idea of the distress they cause people. But from their point of view they need to investigate so it's all in a days work. Just stay strong and hopefully you will have answers soon.
Hello MW,
My partner was charged from a work computer. Like your husband, he also denied any involvement. And like you I was also very confused as his nature of work should have meant his computer was heavily protected. The police also turned my house upside down and took everything.
Nothing was found on his personal devices.
The charges were eventually dropped. But our lives were destroyed. I still have many answered questions, mainly how did it get there in the first place.
My family did support my partner and that has helped with our rebuilding.
Wishing you and your husband all the best and very a positive outcome. I can say that people who did distance themselves initially have come around, so hopefully with time your family will as well.
My partner was charged from a work computer. Like your husband, he also denied any involvement. And like you I was also very confused as his nature of work should have meant his computer was heavily protected. The police also turned my house upside down and took everything.
Nothing was found on his personal devices.
The charges were eventually dropped. But our lives were destroyed. I still have many answered questions, mainly how did it get there in the first place.
My family did support my partner and that has helped with our rebuilding.
Wishing you and your husband all the best and very a positive outcome. I can say that people who did distance themselves initially have come around, so hopefully with time your family will as well.
Thanks again ladies, your strength and kind words are keeping me going.
Brianna and Paris, can I ask how long it took for the police to close the case?
Thanks in advance
Brianna and Paris, can I ask how long it took for the police to close the case?
Thanks in advance
It took a year and a half for the charges to be dropped.
We still do not really know why. However we do understand from the police report that the police believed the office computer was infected.
Getting answers has been impossible.
We still do not really know why. However we do understand from the police report that the police believed the office computer was infected.
Getting answers has been impossible.
Oh my days Brianna, a whole 18 months!!! I'm 3 months in and losing my mind with frustration.
The police have already told us his personal phone is clear, but still don't know anymore about his work phone.
In my head (and I'm not tech-savvy) I think that if they can prove the kik app was never downloaded to his phone then surely its not him!?
Thanks again for the quick reply by the way, its so very much appreciated xx
The police have already told us his personal phone is clear, but still don't know anymore about his work phone.
In my head (and I'm not tech-savvy) I think that if they can prove the kik app was never downloaded to his phone then surely its not him!?
Thanks again for the quick reply by the way, its so very much appreciated xx
Hi Mw,
it was five months for us and we heard nothing at all in that time.
it was five months for us and we heard nothing at all in that time.
Hi Paris
5 months seems more reasonable, I could just about cope with that.... But 18 months I think will have me in the loony bin!
5 months seems more reasonable, I could just about cope with that.... But 18 months I think will have me in the loony bin!
Bit of an update. Police officer phoned husband yesterday (he had promised to phone every 3 months with an update). He said that both phones have now been cleared, nothing has shown up on either device, so he has written his report to pass to his Superintendent, he then has 28 days to decide whether it should ho to CPS, they then have another 28 days to decide whether to drop the case or send to Magistrates Court.
It feels like it is a 'little win' , if that's the right phrase, as it absolutely confirms what I already believed...... That my husband has been completely truthful to me right from the start. I know we still have a long way to go and I am preying everything is dropped in the next couple of months. I will keep you all posted xx
It feels like it is a 'little win' , if that's the right phrase, as it absolutely confirms what I already believed...... That my husband has been completely truthful to me right from the start. I know we still have a long way to go and I am preying everything is dropped in the next couple of months. I will keep you all posted xx
That is wonderful news MW!! Fingers crossed this will all be over for you and your husband soon.
Hi Mw,
Yes good news that sounds v positive and hopefully there will be nfa.
Please let us know the outcome, everything crossed for you.
Yes good news that sounds v positive and hopefully there will be nfa.
Please let us know the outcome, everything crossed for you.
Thank you ladies xx I will of course keep you posted.
How is everything with you guys?
How is everything with you guys?
Heartbreaking update.... After 16 and a half weeks of denying his crime, he has confessed to messaging. He still claims that he didn't ever 'clock' the girls he was talking to were under age. I am struggling so much with this. I'm still the stupid fool that is sticking by him, 27 years of marriage must count for something, right?
It's so bloody frustrating that he is taking all these courses to help is addiction but I have nothing.
I've contacted the help line but no one other than my husband can tell me what is going on in his head. Having someone tell me it's not my fault and he is in denial is only confirming what I already know.
I just don't know what to do and where to turn. Still not told our daughters coz I fear it would destroy them.
I need advice please xx
It's so bloody frustrating that he is taking all these courses to help is addiction but I have nothing.
I've contacted the help line but no one other than my husband can tell me what is going on in his head. Having someone tell me it's not my fault and he is in denial is only confirming what I already know.
I just don't know what to do and where to turn. Still not told our daughters coz I fear it would destroy them.
I need advice please xx
Hi Mw, I really feel for you. I have been where you are. It is hard and so distressing.
The crime side of this can take all of our energy and focus, and we want to believe that our partners didn't do these things. And maybe they didn't knowingly!
I joined support groups for partners of sex addicts, and they are good for finding out about the behaviour of addicts. (Before they act out so much that it leads to arrest.)
I realised that for me the most hurtful thing was the sexual betrayal. I learned that my husbands reactions were typical. He denied everything, lied to me to get me onside. Then, during the course of his therapy he disclosed slowly, over a period of a few months. Drip drip disclosure, typical addict behaviour. It was torture for me. I would rather had it all in one hit. But in his head he was saving me from more pain, he was very ashamed and hoped I would never find out. That was how he lived for years, secrets and lies. He was terrified that I would have nothing to do with him. It is normal behaviour for an addict.
I have learned that often when they are in a cycle of 'acting out', they really can't remember what they were doing. I demanded details; dates, times, what sort of women, what their bodies were like etc....it actually was a waste of my precious energy.
We have agreed to meet and have a couples therapy session when he is released from prison, so he can give me full disclosure, and to come to some sort of peaceful closure. I need that. I'm sure he does too.
Please do not feel that you are doing the wrong thing by standing by him. There is no right or wrong. We are all different. We must all do what sits well with us as individuals, and we must honour our core values, and do what ultimately will make us happy.
Please take care, make yourself and your well being your priority xxx
The crime side of this can take all of our energy and focus, and we want to believe that our partners didn't do these things. And maybe they didn't knowingly!
I joined support groups for partners of sex addicts, and they are good for finding out about the behaviour of addicts. (Before they act out so much that it leads to arrest.)
I realised that for me the most hurtful thing was the sexual betrayal. I learned that my husbands reactions were typical. He denied everything, lied to me to get me onside. Then, during the course of his therapy he disclosed slowly, over a period of a few months. Drip drip disclosure, typical addict behaviour. It was torture for me. I would rather had it all in one hit. But in his head he was saving me from more pain, he was very ashamed and hoped I would never find out. That was how he lived for years, secrets and lies. He was terrified that I would have nothing to do with him. It is normal behaviour for an addict.
I have learned that often when they are in a cycle of 'acting out', they really can't remember what they were doing. I demanded details; dates, times, what sort of women, what their bodies were like etc....it actually was a waste of my precious energy.
We have agreed to meet and have a couples therapy session when he is released from prison, so he can give me full disclosure, and to come to some sort of peaceful closure. I need that. I'm sure he does too.
Please do not feel that you are doing the wrong thing by standing by him. There is no right or wrong. We are all different. We must all do what sits well with us as individuals, and we must honour our core values, and do what ultimately will make us happy.
Please take care, make yourself and your well being your priority xxx
Hi Mw,
So sorry to hear this I had everything crossed for you. I think you said that nothing has been found on the devices so do you know what happens now with the investigation? Take time to process this and don't make any rushed decisions x
So sorry to hear this I had everything crossed for you. I think you said that nothing has been found on the devices so do you know what happens now with the investigation? Take time to process this and don't make any rushed decisions x
Hi MW
Really feel for you ! I also found it hard as everyone has...., did I ever think I would find myself in such a situation???? I am 10 months from the knock. Last Thursday I finally gota call from the DS.I have heard nothing since that dreadful day . Hearing her voice on the voicemail was so traumatic. I had to go and lie down with a panic attack . My anxiety went through the roof . I composed myself and she informed me that Case had gone to cps and they fully expect a charge of possession of iioc soon. She told me I should know this was not a one time thing which sent a shock wave as this did not tally with the story my husband had given me. It has totally sent me in a tailspin . We've been separated but I was still trying to support him feeling sorry for his situation which he had led me to believe was a one time unwanted download stemmed from legal porn viewing. 30 years what is the truth or lies I don't know . It's such an isolating business and I have managed this on my Own. Good luck to you mw as I know it's not easy to make the stay leave decision but you know what's best for you . I do not know that person now. I tried to get my head around it believe me I loved and adored that person but it's ruined . Hold on tight it's a long haul xx he's lucky to have you x
Really feel for you ! I also found it hard as everyone has...., did I ever think I would find myself in such a situation???? I am 10 months from the knock. Last Thursday I finally gota call from the DS.I have heard nothing since that dreadful day . Hearing her voice on the voicemail was so traumatic. I had to go and lie down with a panic attack . My anxiety went through the roof . I composed myself and she informed me that Case had gone to cps and they fully expect a charge of possession of iioc soon. She told me I should know this was not a one time thing which sent a shock wave as this did not tally with the story my husband had given me. It has totally sent me in a tailspin . We've been separated but I was still trying to support him feeling sorry for his situation which he had led me to believe was a one time unwanted download stemmed from legal porn viewing. 30 years what is the truth or lies I don't know . It's such an isolating business and I have managed this on my Own. Good luck to you mw as I know it's not easy to make the stay leave decision but you know what's best for you . I do not know that person now. I tried to get my head around it believe me I loved and adored that person but it's ruined . Hold on tight it's a long haul xx he's lucky to have you x
Thank you Lee1969, Luce and Paris for you're kind words. Just to answer a couple of things, the police officer told me it was 2 seperate chats with 2 girls over a 2 month period, husband backed that story up when I picked him up from the station after he was questioned. I didn't tell him what I'd been told, I just told him to talk.
His phones have not shown anything else (or so he's telling me) the file has gone to CPS and we are now waiting to hear. He has given full disclosure to me seeing the files. I'm not sure if this is because it would be much easier on him for me to read what was in the texts rather than him telling me?? I feel physically sick at the thought of reading them, but need too in order to try and unstand where his head was at.
I can only assume he was chatting to a police decoy due to the timescale and limited number of texts, although we have not been told that yet.
I feel so ashamed to tell anyone that I've been totally hoodwinked for the past 16 weeks. No one will ever trust him again, so I feel my only option at the moment is to go along with his lies if I decide to stay with him..... That makes me so angry and sad as it goes against my character and morales. I'm just all over the place. I try so hard to be upbeat and happy as I don't want his mental health to deteriorate.
I'm just lost, alone, confused, angry, deeply sad and can't see a time when our life can ever be anywhere near close to what we once had in our marriage. I feel a total failure as a wife that I didn't see what was happening and I clearly wasn't giving him what he wanted.
His phones have not shown anything else (or so he's telling me) the file has gone to CPS and we are now waiting to hear. He has given full disclosure to me seeing the files. I'm not sure if this is because it would be much easier on him for me to read what was in the texts rather than him telling me?? I feel physically sick at the thought of reading them, but need too in order to try and unstand where his head was at.
I can only assume he was chatting to a police decoy due to the timescale and limited number of texts, although we have not been told that yet.
I feel so ashamed to tell anyone that I've been totally hoodwinked for the past 16 weeks. No one will ever trust him again, so I feel my only option at the moment is to go along with his lies if I decide to stay with him..... That makes me so angry and sad as it goes against my character and morales. I'm just all over the place. I try so hard to be upbeat and happy as I don't want his mental health to deteriorate.
I'm just lost, alone, confused, angry, deeply sad and can't see a time when our life can ever be anywhere near close to what we once had in our marriage. I feel a total failure as a wife that I didn't see what was happening and I clearly wasn't giving him what he wanted.
Mw, I do hope you read my earlier response. You are NOT a failure. He is an addict. He is unwell.
I used to think like you, but now I can clearly see that it is all about them and not us. We could have been the best wives in the world and the most attractive, and giving them everything they wanted...but we would have had to have competed with their fantasy worlds. This is what porn does. It creates unrealistic expectations. Then we have the on-line addiction. Fictional world. Damaging if the addiction is to gaming, we understand that, but also damaging to engage in on line chats and "relationships". It is very very scary!
It seems, from research, that all addictions stem back to trauma(s). I was aware of most of my husbands having lived through them with him. He seemed to handle them all ok, much better than me. But in reality he didn't. He put on a calm brave front, and hid it all and self soothed with hidden unhealthy behaviours.....a 39 year marriage destroyed!
We have to do what we believe is right for us. No one has the right to judge us or tell us what to do.
keep strong. Hugs. xxx
I used to think like you, but now I can clearly see that it is all about them and not us. We could have been the best wives in the world and the most attractive, and giving them everything they wanted...but we would have had to have competed with their fantasy worlds. This is what porn does. It creates unrealistic expectations. Then we have the on-line addiction. Fictional world. Damaging if the addiction is to gaming, we understand that, but also damaging to engage in on line chats and "relationships". It is very very scary!
It seems, from research, that all addictions stem back to trauma(s). I was aware of most of my husbands having lived through them with him. He seemed to handle them all ok, much better than me. But in reality he didn't. He put on a calm brave front, and hid it all and self soothed with hidden unhealthy behaviours.....a 39 year marriage destroyed!
We have to do what we believe is right for us. No one has the right to judge us or tell us what to do.
keep strong. Hugs. xxx
Please do not blame yourself. These men need to take full accountability. X