My son
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Hi,
This is my first post on here but ive been reading the forum for a few weeks. Im sorry if this is a long post but im in hell just now and need help with how you all cope with this.
4 weeks ago, early one morning i was woken up by the police - the dreaded knock. I have 2 sons, 18 and 14, and was home alone with my boys. Was so stunned that there were a team of detectives etc in my home and obviouly scared as to why they were there. I was shown a search warrant and told that somebody in my house had been downloading indecent images of children. Im not gonna lie; i actually relaxed when they said that as i was 100% sure they had made a mistake and that must have the wrong house. 4 hours later and having had all our devices checked, my 18 year old was arrested for downloading indecent images of children. Since then i feel that we are living in a nightmare. He was taken to police station, realeased on bail but was not allowed to return home as his brother is under 16 so he went to stay with his dad. He is still there despite that bail condition being lifted by the court.
He has since been to court for his first appearance, he pleaded guilty the day of the search of our house and again in court. I am terrfied of what happens now and the impact that this will have on his future.
He is 18, is in 6th year at school and has an uncondidtional offer to study social sciences. He is a very bright boy but does have issues. He has an eating disorder which effects his bowel control, is mildly autistic and has a really severe stutter. I think due to a combination of all of the above, it means he is a lonely, isolated boy and his confidence is terrible. He has no friends in real life. Every school lunchtime is spend at his dads and not at school, and has been that way for years. Every evening and weekend was spent with either me or his dad. He spent a LOT of time in his room on his devices, i think he felt more comfortable talking online where his stutter wouldnt be heard or his bowels wouldnt be an issue. Last year, when he was 17, we were stopped by police in a supermarket carpark as an online friend had contacted the police to raise concerns about his welfare as he was apprantly feeling suicidal. Likewise his school have voiced concerns in the past 18 months or so about how vulnreable they felt he was.
I dont think he fully grasps what hes done, i mean he fully understands and admitted it but i dont think he is looking at the bigger picture and how this will effect his entire life, let alone considered what these children are going through on the material he had in his possession.
We have a private counsellor working with him, and hes undertaking sessions with StopItNow. He was met by social work who only needed to see him once then said that they were happy with what we are doing.
Please...what else should i be doing to help him? He is my son and i will always support him. BUT, this is hard to accept and its killing my family. I am having moments where i dont think i can cope and am going to have a breakdown, i have moments of anger towards what he has done, i have moments where i want to cuddle him and never let go.
Sorry for the long post.
This is my first post on here but ive been reading the forum for a few weeks. Im sorry if this is a long post but im in hell just now and need help with how you all cope with this.
4 weeks ago, early one morning i was woken up by the police - the dreaded knock. I have 2 sons, 18 and 14, and was home alone with my boys. Was so stunned that there were a team of detectives etc in my home and obviouly scared as to why they were there. I was shown a search warrant and told that somebody in my house had been downloading indecent images of children. Im not gonna lie; i actually relaxed when they said that as i was 100% sure they had made a mistake and that must have the wrong house. 4 hours later and having had all our devices checked, my 18 year old was arrested for downloading indecent images of children. Since then i feel that we are living in a nightmare. He was taken to police station, realeased on bail but was not allowed to return home as his brother is under 16 so he went to stay with his dad. He is still there despite that bail condition being lifted by the court.
He has since been to court for his first appearance, he pleaded guilty the day of the search of our house and again in court. I am terrfied of what happens now and the impact that this will have on his future.
He is 18, is in 6th year at school and has an uncondidtional offer to study social sciences. He is a very bright boy but does have issues. He has an eating disorder which effects his bowel control, is mildly autistic and has a really severe stutter. I think due to a combination of all of the above, it means he is a lonely, isolated boy and his confidence is terrible. He has no friends in real life. Every school lunchtime is spend at his dads and not at school, and has been that way for years. Every evening and weekend was spent with either me or his dad. He spent a LOT of time in his room on his devices, i think he felt more comfortable talking online where his stutter wouldnt be heard or his bowels wouldnt be an issue. Last year, when he was 17, we were stopped by police in a supermarket carpark as an online friend had contacted the police to raise concerns about his welfare as he was apprantly feeling suicidal. Likewise his school have voiced concerns in the past 18 months or so about how vulnreable they felt he was.
I dont think he fully grasps what hes done, i mean he fully understands and admitted it but i dont think he is looking at the bigger picture and how this will effect his entire life, let alone considered what these children are going through on the material he had in his possession.
We have a private counsellor working with him, and hes undertaking sessions with StopItNow. He was met by social work who only needed to see him once then said that they were happy with what we are doing.
Please...what else should i be doing to help him? He is my son and i will always support him. BUT, this is hard to accept and its killing my family. I am having moments where i dont think i can cope and am going to have a breakdown, i have moments of anger towards what he has done, i have moments where i want to cuddle him and never let go.
Sorry for the long post.
I am so sorry you find yourself here, you must be in a different part of the country for it to happen so quick. Which in one sense is good as you havnt had to wait around like many of us on here. I am a mother to a 21 y/o son who finds herself here,unfortunately for us it took 18 months for them to search devices etc .
Take one day at a time be kind to yourself, this is a huge shock. I'm not sure how I'm still standing if I'm honest. I suppose you find strength within.
I'm pleased your son is getting help I believe you are doing everything you can as his mum so just keep doing that. My son has similar to how you describe your son :(
I'm sending a hug your way ????
Take one day at a time be kind to yourself, this is a huge shock. I'm not sure how I'm still standing if I'm honest. I suppose you find strength within.
I'm pleased your son is getting help I believe you are doing everything you can as his mum so just keep doing that. My son has similar to how you describe your son :(
I'm sending a hug your way ????
Also son was arrested Dec 2019 and magistrates isn't until July 21 :( .. you will go through all them emotions and I really feel for you. X
Thank you Becky,
It's just a parents worst nightmare isn't it! I want him to get all the help he can so he realises how wrong this is and then we can try and rebuild what's been shattered.
Sending you a hug and wish you guys all the best!
It's just a parents worst nightmare isn't it! I want him to get all the help he can so he realises how wrong this is and then we can try and rebuild what's been shattered.
Sending you a hug and wish you guys all the best!
Nurse
Absolutely, I totally understand what your saying. My son won't accept help from us :( he doesn't like to talk about it, however much I try :( I really hope your son accepts your help .
Reach out when you need to wishing you the best x
Absolutely, I totally understand what your saying. My son won't accept help from us :( he doesn't like to talk about it, however much I try :( I really hope your son accepts your help .
Reach out when you need to wishing you the best x
After reading your post I felt the need to reply to you, as we share quite a few similarities with what we are going through.
We have a member of our family who has high functioning autism and is currently being investigated for IIOC. This was very out of character for this member of our family very much like what you said about your son and so was a complete shock to the family. He is also similar in age to your son and he too is currently in sixth form and hoping to go to university.
I have tried to research into how being on the autistic spectrum can make this group of individuals more vulnerable to accessing IIOC on the internet. For example in our situation the member of our family had no friends out of school and choose to connect with the internet initially to find some friends in chatrooms and managed to go completely down the wrong path....
I do genuinely hope that sometime in the near future more research will be done between the possible links between autism and viewing IIOC's. I am currently reading a book by Tony Attwood, Isabelle Henault and Nick Dubin titled The Autism Spectrum, Sexuality and the Law to try and make sense of the situation and improve my understanding of how being on the spectrum may have contributed significantly to this behaviour. You may find this book a helpful read if your son is on the autistic spectrum.
Our investigation has been many months and has only recently been passed to CPS for a decision. The many months of waiting has been very hard on all the family, so we try to take it day by day and understand some days are better than others.
I hope my response is of some help to you and sending you lots of support
Take care and be kind to yourself.
We have a member of our family who has high functioning autism and is currently being investigated for IIOC. This was very out of character for this member of our family very much like what you said about your son and so was a complete shock to the family. He is also similar in age to your son and he too is currently in sixth form and hoping to go to university.
I have tried to research into how being on the autistic spectrum can make this group of individuals more vulnerable to accessing IIOC on the internet. For example in our situation the member of our family had no friends out of school and choose to connect with the internet initially to find some friends in chatrooms and managed to go completely down the wrong path....
I do genuinely hope that sometime in the near future more research will be done between the possible links between autism and viewing IIOC's. I am currently reading a book by Tony Attwood, Isabelle Henault and Nick Dubin titled The Autism Spectrum, Sexuality and the Law to try and make sense of the situation and improve my understanding of how being on the spectrum may have contributed significantly to this behaviour. You may find this book a helpful read if your son is on the autistic spectrum.
Our investigation has been many months and has only recently been passed to CPS for a decision. The many months of waiting has been very hard on all the family, so we try to take it day by day and understand some days are better than others.
I hope my response is of some help to you and sending you lots of support
Take care and be kind to yourself.
Hi my son was 18 wen he was arrested for images and he never wanted to talk about it either, I think its the shame of it they cannot handle
Hello NurseR1978
I am so sorry to hear about your news and empathise with you as my son was recently given a caution for having x 2 iioc which were downloaded a few years back. My son is 23 and self disclosed to me, then the police in December 2020 so we were spared and never had the "knock".
My son is extremely resmorseful, has taken responsibility, is accountable for his actions and is accepting help. He also accepts the consequences albeit this is very difficult, he is an intelligent caring young man , gained a first at uni, was 2 years into a fantastic career which is now lost. He is now thinking about how he can retrain. He often says the important thing is "I am helping more individuals by disclosing this, than I ever would in my line of work" so I am thankful that he reported it, but extremely sad that it happened not only for the victims but for him and us. He is having , 2 weekly counselling sessions and reflecting on these with his counsellor, which is very emotive and thought provoking and he finds these sessions exhausting but helpful in processing everything .
Its a terrifying time isn't it ? Not only the shock of knowing your son has committed this crime but also knowing the consequences and what that may bring and the changes you may have to face. The important thing is dealing with the here and now. I would encourage you and your son, family members to seek help from the LFF for advice, signposting for help, someone independently to talk to , for support to help you through this difficult time.
my son has spoken about it , but essentially I have left the indepth discussion and explorations of "why" to the professionals as they are experienced in helping him manage this, his risk and helping him in resolving his mental health issues . Although I have read, articles and different posts, from many of the forum users, which have been extremely helpful. I am here to support him in any way I can, he lives with us and our daughter. He's had the caution, so it didn't go to court and now its about managing risk, living with the consequences and moving forward positively as a family . Which can be difficult, because we all are grieving, not only for the child victims and nature of the crime, but also for the fact that my son has had some mental health difficulties and struggles, we all want our childfren to be happy and free from this but it is a growing concern, especially in the last 15 months, what is lost and how we can rebuild our lives etc.
with regards to your son, he clearly has/has had some difficult times and this may have had an influence on his behaviour and making the choices he made. This will all be taken into account and I am hoping that there is some leniency and that he too will receive a lesser charge such as a caution.
having been on this forum for the last few months I am becoming increasingly concerned about how many individuals find themselves caught up in this web of destruction. I want to help! Scream from the roof tops about how dangerous the web can be, the affects of pornography and what it can lead to. But I can't for obvious reasons, we have to leave this up to the professionals to promote the dangers alerting everyone to this what seems to be an increasing problem , which is worrying.
I wish your son , you and your family all the very best, keep coming on here as you will receive some valuable support
x
I am so sorry to hear about your news and empathise with you as my son was recently given a caution for having x 2 iioc which were downloaded a few years back. My son is 23 and self disclosed to me, then the police in December 2020 so we were spared and never had the "knock".
My son is extremely resmorseful, has taken responsibility, is accountable for his actions and is accepting help. He also accepts the consequences albeit this is very difficult, he is an intelligent caring young man , gained a first at uni, was 2 years into a fantastic career which is now lost. He is now thinking about how he can retrain. He often says the important thing is "I am helping more individuals by disclosing this, than I ever would in my line of work" so I am thankful that he reported it, but extremely sad that it happened not only for the victims but for him and us. He is having , 2 weekly counselling sessions and reflecting on these with his counsellor, which is very emotive and thought provoking and he finds these sessions exhausting but helpful in processing everything .
Its a terrifying time isn't it ? Not only the shock of knowing your son has committed this crime but also knowing the consequences and what that may bring and the changes you may have to face. The important thing is dealing with the here and now. I would encourage you and your son, family members to seek help from the LFF for advice, signposting for help, someone independently to talk to , for support to help you through this difficult time.
my son has spoken about it , but essentially I have left the indepth discussion and explorations of "why" to the professionals as they are experienced in helping him manage this, his risk and helping him in resolving his mental health issues . Although I have read, articles and different posts, from many of the forum users, which have been extremely helpful. I am here to support him in any way I can, he lives with us and our daughter. He's had the caution, so it didn't go to court and now its about managing risk, living with the consequences and moving forward positively as a family . Which can be difficult, because we all are grieving, not only for the child victims and nature of the crime, but also for the fact that my son has had some mental health difficulties and struggles, we all want our childfren to be happy and free from this but it is a growing concern, especially in the last 15 months, what is lost and how we can rebuild our lives etc.
with regards to your son, he clearly has/has had some difficult times and this may have had an influence on his behaviour and making the choices he made. This will all be taken into account and I am hoping that there is some leniency and that he too will receive a lesser charge such as a caution.
having been on this forum for the last few months I am becoming increasingly concerned about how many individuals find themselves caught up in this web of destruction. I want to help! Scream from the roof tops about how dangerous the web can be, the affects of pornography and what it can lead to. But I can't for obvious reasons, we have to leave this up to the professionals to promote the dangers alerting everyone to this what seems to be an increasing problem , which is worrying.
I wish your son , you and your family all the very best, keep coming on here as you will receive some valuable support
x
Hello again
Reflecting on the issue about us wanting to talk about it with our sons, we always want to ask "why", "what" "when" and go through, what ifs etc . We are so emotionally attached , so I'm not sure whether we really are the best people to talk about it in depth with them , because we have our own emotional difficulties and our responses may not always be positive ones (understandly) because we are also affected by their actions and this may create negative friction within the family. (Experience this, several times) Our sons will be trying to manage their own mental health difficulties, processing their thoughts / feelings on what they have done and managing their risk and its important that we as mums or any other family members do not project our stressors upon them. (Difficult I know) That dosen't mean to say that the issue is being trivialised, (they should know whether you are upset/dissapointed/disgusted etc ) , its not, but I think we need to constructively deal with both our sons and our mental well being and seek help. Once our sons have sourced the help they need and processed this , they hopefully will have the tools to get better and within time they may open up to us more. We also may then have a better understanding as to why this happened and be able to support them more, and we too will hopefully learn to manage our thoughts/feelings constructively to maintain our mental health to deal with this situation.
having said all that individuals have their own way of managing and coping with these situation and there is no right or wrong way and we are here to support each other.
I do apologise for rambling on, but even though you could say my son was fortunate to have just a caution, the hard work starts now and is down to him with our support to ensure this dosen't happen again. So its a life long journey now.
virtual hugs to all
x
Reflecting on the issue about us wanting to talk about it with our sons, we always want to ask "why", "what" "when" and go through, what ifs etc . We are so emotionally attached , so I'm not sure whether we really are the best people to talk about it in depth with them , because we have our own emotional difficulties and our responses may not always be positive ones (understandly) because we are also affected by their actions and this may create negative friction within the family. (Experience this, several times) Our sons will be trying to manage their own mental health difficulties, processing their thoughts / feelings on what they have done and managing their risk and its important that we as mums or any other family members do not project our stressors upon them. (Difficult I know) That dosen't mean to say that the issue is being trivialised, (they should know whether you are upset/dissapointed/disgusted etc ) , its not, but I think we need to constructively deal with both our sons and our mental well being and seek help. Once our sons have sourced the help they need and processed this , they hopefully will have the tools to get better and within time they may open up to us more. We also may then have a better understanding as to why this happened and be able to support them more, and we too will hopefully learn to manage our thoughts/feelings constructively to maintain our mental health to deal with this situation.
having said all that individuals have their own way of managing and coping with these situation and there is no right or wrong way and we are here to support each other.
I do apologise for rambling on, but even though you could say my son was fortunate to have just a caution, the hard work starts now and is down to him with our support to ensure this dosen't happen again. So its a life long journey now.
virtual hugs to all
x